I picked the wrong channel

I made the wrong choice of shows to watch tonight on tv. I started watching some inside the prison walls type shows (which I usually like) and started to get irritated by the fools that I saw beating and hating on each other for stupid things like skin color. Then I found myself getting irritated when the inmates were talking about hurting the child molesters--not because I didn't want them to, but because I was thinking, "then WHY is that satan's spawn that hurt my daughter still using up our oxygen??? Why hasn't someone hurt HIM???"
I started to feel bad about the way that I was feeling and tried to repent of it, but then I was faced with a "crimes caught on tape" show that came on next. I got through the beginning without much of a big deal, but then two segments aired back-to-back that infuriated me and brought me to tears then made me change the channel to watch reruns of Roseanne--dysfunction that I can actually stomach.
The first segment was of a car jacker that beat the tar out of a 92-year-old man and left him laying in a parking lot while a crowd of people watched and did nothing--and then got in their car and drove away so they wouldn't have to be involved. What kind of crap is that??? The next segment was of a man in a convenient store beating the tar out of an 18-month-old little boy. He kicked him down the aisle, slammed the cooler doors open into the baby sending him reeling, then picked him up and started beating him, pinching him,etc. He then threw the boy on the ground and walked away from him leaving the baby to stagger to his feet and find his way after the man.
I am so livid there are just no words. Tonight I am face to face with the fact that I have indeed become cynical and angry. I wouldn't say I'm bitter, but that's only because of God's grace. The ROOT of bitterness is certainly there and is a daily battle to keep it in check. Today was a really bad day for a few reasons and I'm just not as capable right now of checking it.
I'm tired of not feeling safe in this world--I don't even feel safe in my own home most of the time. I don't mean physically, but in other ways. I have to be on-guard ALL of the time. I'm tired of living a life where I have to hide money, medications--ANYTHING--because any number of a certain couple of people in my life could, would and frequently does steal from me.
I can't take anything for granted and have to live my life on edge. That really takes a toll on a person over the years and it leaves you with a sort of post traumatic stress type of dilemma. I'm shell-shocked and have become paranoid and untrusting.
I have decided that I have to cut the cancer out of my life no matter what the cost. I'm afraid and I'm unsure what to do, but I have to have a fresh start. The next few weeks are going to be tough and I hate that Madelaine is coming home next week. I miss her but I really don't want the kids coming back to this house and situation right now. I'd rather wait until we're moved and away from here. Oh well. If everyone who reads this would please whisper some prayers that God would continue to give me direction and that he would give me the money to get a place to live in the next 2 weeks--and then also the place to live.
I'm losing it over here and with this latest wrench thrown into the mix it adds a whole new dynamic. Prayer my prayer warriors, prayer! Thanks.
I love you all


Allison said…
I am praying for youa ll the time, Veronica....and I love you more than words can say. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all perfect and better for you and your girls. Just cling to the fact that you know (even if it doesn't feel like it) that God is holding on to you and He won't let you go. He knows the way that you take and when you are tested, you will come forth as gold. Job 23:10