The most wonderful tiime of the year

I woke up this morning...at 11:00...and it was so quiet. I opened my eyes and I listened closer...nope...still quiet. I walked into the living room and no one was fighting with each other. No one had to get yelled at. I poored a bowl of cereal and sat down to eat it in peace while watching tv. Then a smile formed across my face as I realize this is how it's going to be on most days now..............



Back on track

Last night was a long night. We were up hashing and rehashing everything. Negotiating and renegotiating. There has been so much stress and emotion lately as well as some major misunderstandings this week that we weren't taking the time we normally would to talk, reason, empathize and communicate...and all that led up to one huge, catastrophic B'GAWK. lol And that scared me so bad that I was willing to take a step back and rethink everything if need be because I'm so unwilling to take even one step forward if it's an unhealthy step...I'd rather stay right where I am...even if it means staying where I am alone.

Thank God that things got worked out. When it came down to it, Scott showed me that he really is a good man. Believe me, he has issues...just like I do. We are so much alike that everything that drives me crazy about him is what I want to change about myself...and vice-versa. Luckily at the end of the day, I have a man who loves me and is willing to keep God in the middle of it and work things out. I've never had that before and I've prayed so hard for it...and while it's so nice to have, it's all new to me and so I can be just as much to blame as he is. I've been praying for a long time for the Holy Spirit to show me everything that's wrong with me and then fix it. Well trust me...God answers prayers! lol Because he has been faithfully showing me every area that needs fixed....and that's painful! And I'd much rather go through all of this before the wedding vs. after. I want to be SURE. And last night showed me that I am.

On a side note, today is the one-year anniversary of my dad's death...which is another thing that's been on my mind. I've been kind of sad thinking about it and don't even have the time to get to visit his gravesite. Oh well, at least I can be assured that he's not there....he's in heaven (woohoo!). :) I'll just drop a prayer and ask God to give him a hug for me. :)



I hate to write a post like this, God knows I do, but I need to. Nobody spend any money on anything for the wedding or make too many plans. There have been one too many temper tantrums thrown in the last week or so and it has me thinking and slowing down. I'm not willing to settle and so there is some heavy thinking to do. No I don't want to talk about it right now, thank you anyways, so please don't be offended when I don't answer my phone. Why is the universe so hell-bent on making a fool of me?


A louder yes

Well it's happened...my quiet "yes" has gotten louder. When Scott first asked me to marry him I said "yes", but quietly...if that makes any sense. I was still kind of in shock and was still thinking and praying about it. I didn't tell anyone right away...not even my parents or kids. I was keeping it to myself...at least for the time-being. I really don't know why, that's just the way that I work. I'm open about everything in my life...but only after I've processed it and digested it...and the other night at work out of the blue and with a bang it hit me. I sent Scott a text message and said "So when do you want to get married? xoxoxo"

So now it's on! The stress that is. I've forgotten what a pain in the butt wedding planning is! YIKES. I'm not complaining...I'm grateful for the opportunity...BUUUUUTTTTT........... lol
See, I had been convinced that if I ever got married again that I wanted to elope and not even have a wedding per se. But Scott has never had a wedding...only justice of the peace...and so he has his heart set on having a wedding. *sigh* I'm more than happy to have one, but now to plan an intimate, charming, elegant, SMALL, inexpensive wedding......BY NOVEMBER...is gonna be tough!

So please pray for me! Today looking on the internet trying to figure out where to have this thing at has already sapped some of the romanticism and optimism from me...I NEED INSPIRATION!!! I wish more of you guys were from around here so that I could have help figuring things out and could get some good ideas!!! I'm all alone here....and I'm feeling it! This is when a girl needs her friends most...I'm really missing you all right now!


Blessed hands

I just got done watching part of the Oprah show from today and I feel so humbled, touched and inspired. There was a segment on a little boy who was stabbed six times and left for dead by his own father after watching his mother be murdered first.

There are sooooo many parts of this story that got to me I don't even know where to begin! First of all, this little boy was amazing! When Oprah asked him how he survived when his dad came back he said "the angels told me to play dead". And asked how he got to the phone to call 911, he said "the angels lifted me up to the phone." What a reminder that we are surrounded at all times with love and protection. How many times have we been saved from injury and weren't even aware of it? I can only imagine. Yesterday morning on the way home from work I was stopped and waiting to make a turn and glanced up at my rear-view mirror just in time to see a big red van swirving around the back of me at about 50 mph, just barely missing my car....he hadn't seen me stopped there. At that moment I was immediately reminded of God's presence and a prayer went up thanking him for his protection and for my guardian angels. God is so good...even on our worst days!

Another part of this story that got to me was when they brought the paramedics on that saved the little boys life. One of the acknowleged just how bad off the little boy was and he said that at that moment he said a prayer to make sure that there were a second "pair of hands" helping to save this child. He said "I know they're always there, but I really needed guidance at this moment."

This was actually my favorite part (naturally, being a nurse and all!). I'll never forget my very first job after graduating from nursing school...it was at St. John West Shore hospital. During the first week (orientation) on the last day you had to go to the chapel for a "blessing ceremony". Several prayers were said blessing you as a caregiver, blessing the patients, and then one blessing your hands...because they were the vessel that care was delivered through. After that they anointed your hands with oil on the front and the back in the shape of a cross. Then you also had to attend one of the ceremonies and get re-annointed at least once a year as long as you worked there. That moved me so much that (of course) I was the only crying in the room. It was just sooooo moving to me. It reminded me just what a sacred and blessed mission I have as a nurse and I also decided right then and there that unless I had no other choice, I would only work at faith-based institutions. Secular hospitals would never consider praying over my hands and anointing them!

A few weeks ago at work they had some kind of a poster contest between floors. You had to make a display of what you viewed as something important to medicine, or a value of your floor, etc. Most of them were nice but really boring to me. They were on everything from learning another language to better communicate, food pantries, etc. Yeah, yeah...very nice...I get it. But then the very last one I went to got me. I stopped dead in my tracks and my eyes watered up as soon as I saw it because without even reading it, I knew what they were after. It was a huge tri-fold display and all around it were pictures of sets of hands...palms uplifted...of every person that worked in their department. Each picture then had the name of the person underneath and also a list of his or her positive qualities and what the offer to the people around them. WOW!

Whenever I'm asked what part of a person I look at first, I almost always say their hands...and that's because I truly believe you can tell a persons character by the way they use their hands. The way the handle things...the way they touch. It says alot about what's really going on inside of them.

Thank you Lord for my hands. The hands that touch the ones I love, the hands that I lift in worship to you, the hands that help to heal the sick you send me. Amen.


Am I a thermostat or a thermometer?

I think being misunderstood is one of the worst feelings in the whole world...if not the worst. To do something or say something and have someone totally take it wrong or attack you and all you want to do is scream "but you don't know what you're talking about", or "wait! you misunderstood me." At least to me, down at the very root of it, it's a real shame-based situation. Some people could care less if they're misunderstood...they just think, "I could care less what people think." But I do...I care. When I am misunderstood it usually catches me off-guard and I'm left thinking, "why did they get it wrong? what impression have I been giving them?" And it bothers me big time. It's really important to me for those around me to know who I am...and for me to affect others...not be effected by them.

Tonight I ran into a situation...albeit a very mild and no-big-deal situation...but still it was something that made me take notice and check myself. I need to get back into balance. I was sitting there watching tv...one of the few shows that I record through the week. I usually only watch maybe one or two shows a day max. Actually, I usually save those one or two shows and just sit down for a good while once or twice a week. I never watch tv. Well, I never did until Scott came to good old "E-town" that is. I've been watching alot more just so I can be around him while he's watching it, etc. So tonight I'm watching tv (and it happens to be a show he doesn't care for) and he says "I can't wait to get another tv over here so I can watch something I like...you and your reality shows!" I looked at him and said "one of the few shows I watch...I only watch maybe a show or two a day and you're giving me grief about it?" He rolls his eyes and laughs while he says "WHATEVER!" That little comment bothered me soooo bad! Not because I'm overly sensitive but because I was thinking that I haven't been showing him the real me. Oh he knows the real me well-enough...but even that one factor about me being wrong bothered me. I have been watching more tv....because of him. And if someone asked him today if I am a tv watcher or not...he'd say yes...because that's what he's seen.

So after my show was done I got up and I started doing what I normally do. I cleaned up, I read a little bit... I'M BLOGGING (which I haven't done lately because TV DOESN'T INSPIRE ME! lol). As I walked through the living room he looked at me and said "are you ok? You're just all over the place cleaning and stuff." I responded..."I'm just doing what I normally do." And it was the truth. Not meaning it in any kind of a negative or snotty way...just realizing that I need to stay true to myself no matter what the situation or who I'm around.

I need to be a thermostat...not a thermometer.

You see, thermometers simply read what environment they're in. If it's cold...they get colder. If it's hot...they get hotter. The adjust to their climate. A thermostat however, says "this is what I am and if the temperature's not right in here, I'm going to affect change." It doesn't change for the environment...it stays true to itself. And it's a calming influence too. It can cool down a heated environment and it can bring heat where things are cooling down. Let me tell you, I can see a thousand thermometers telling me how hot it is this season...I'm not thanking God for them! What I am thanking God for however, is the thermostat that can tell how hot it is and kicks on the a.c.!!!


The bull is behind me

I wonder what's new with them. Maybe I don't. Do I really want to know? Do I really want to go there? No. Not really. For the first time ever I realize that I don't even really care. I'm not even really curious. I have indifference. That's how you know you've moved on...not by anger, hurt or even sadness...indifference is the one you're looking for. For the first time ever..."the bull is behind me".

Nobody in the world has ever known what that little inside joke has meant. It was just between us. But it had to do with a little plastic bull (I still say it's a goat...but he was always too stubborn to give in) and it hung on a towel rack behind his toilet. And as crude as it sounds...in this day and age of technology where cell-phones and laptops can go anywhere ...sometimes I'd ask him what he's doing, or what he's up to and he would reply... "the bull is behind me". It cracked me up...but it stuck and became code. Now it has a different meaning to me though...as in I've really put the bull (and all that came with it) behind me.

I'm always nervous driving on that side of town because I don't even want to see his car. Will I see him in the doctors office? In the store? Man I hope not. I'll be civil. I'll be polite. But I'm just so uninterested in anything that has to do with him now. What a change from a year ago huh? I think it's so ironic that one of the things God has used in my life to bring healing was also named "Scott"... I love that...when God heals he does it completely...he even healed the sound of that name in my ears...now it's just beautiful. Except that no one ever knows who in the world I'm talking about sometimes when I say "Scott this or that...", they always say, "wait a minute...which Scott?" lol

I hope that they are doing fine. I'm sure they are...he's not done with her yet. Oh, did I say that out loud??? Ooops! And if he still reads this from time to time I'm sure that comment will sting a little bit...but I stand by it. Oh well...moving on...which is exactly what I want to do. New life. New hopes. New dreams. Someone who is genuinely interested in me. And he may not be perfect...but neither am I. But he has integrity. And he's honest. And he's genuine...not contriving, self-righteous, or an opportunity seeker. He loves me. And he's loyal to me....and those things combined can truly cover a multitude of sins. I love you Scott....MY Scott...the only one that matters to me.
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