My one day off

And it was great.
I woke up and figured it was about noon. 
I peeked open one eye and looked at the alarm clock.
Nope.  It was almost six o'clock in the evening.
I Asked the kids why they didn't wake me up and they just kind of shrugged their
shoulders like "iounno".
We had plans!  We were going to put up the Christmas tree and rearrange the furniture.
I have to work all weekend and so this will be the only chance for several days to make this happen.
Oh well, guess I got to sit and chill instead.
That's not completely true.
I ended up getting in a major fight with two of my girls
(the oldest two in case you were wondering).
Nothing really new,
just the same old shit that I am so tired of dealing with and am like,
REALLY?  We are STILL doing this???
Lying, being devious, hanging around people or situations that are OBVIOUSLY bad
and then again, LYING to mom about it.  Get SO old and now Courtney is passing on the legacy
to her younger sister.  Thanks.
It got ugly.  Lots of yelling and defiance.
Phones got taken away and kids got sent to their rooms.
Even in that Courtney tried to be defiant.
She was mad that I took her phone so she continued to yell at me and
then refused to shut her bedroom door because i wanted it shut.
Just overall DRAMA.
I want peace.
I her to know that I love her and to let that be enough.
I want her to realize that the words she keeps screaming at me...
"I'm almost 18!!!" are very true and that she should cherish every little bit of this we have left
just like I do.  I want her to behave and love me.
I want her to appreciate the very vulnerable, impressionable gifts that are her little sisters,
and treat them as such.
I just want a normal, peaceful, happy, joyful, well-adjusted, well-rounded, healthy family.
Not a constant struggle that pulls down my self-esteem with every encounter.

♥ veronica

My Christmas card or a.k.a.: Why I am super excited to go home for the holidays this year

♥ veronica


You just had a baby in your pants!!!

Does anyone else watch "I didn't know I was pregnant"?

We do and the exclamation that one nurse made during
one of the episodes of "You just had a baby in your pants!"
has become quite the catch phrase around here.
It cracks me up just to hear it. lol

Anyways, I just got done watching this weeks episode
and I have to voice my frustrations.

IF you have a baby...
whether you knew you were pregnant or NOT....
DON'T leave the baby lying on the floor!!!
OR in the toilet!!!


Seriously!  I know I'm a nurse and all,
but wouldn't this be common knowledge?
Every episode this happens.

On this episode, the woman just got done riding
a ton of roller coasters and had the baby in the bathroom stall
of the amusement park...
staring at it until paramedics arrived!!!
She was worried because he was still & quiet.

Every week this irritates me,
but this week I found myself literally YELLING at the tv...

So please,
if you learn nothing else from this genius blog,
learn that if you just had a baby in your pants,
pick it up and keep it warm.
Thank you.
My work here is done.


Gobble gobble!

Hey! Who ate all the freakin’ Cool Whip???

Imma Be…

There are so many ways for me to be
and I want to cover them all at least once before I die….
if I like them, then hopefully a lot more than once.
The most obvious ones that comes to mind right now are:
BE grateful
BE humble
BE kind
BE loving
BE loyal
BE joyful
BE generous
BE courteous
BE sweet
But there are many other BE’s in this hive that make me who I am. 
And I am supremely grateful for all of them as well.
BE wild
BE funny
BE a smart-ass
BE the shit
BE the MFW
BE hot
BE sexy
BE horny
BE unpredictable
BE witty
BE thrifty
BE confident
BE courageous
BE strong
BE soft
BE vulnerable
BE seductive
BE bad-ass
BE yourself.
BE you, ALL you, ALL the time
Simply just BE.
I am grateful to BE V.
All V.  All the time.


Allergic reaction

Met a guy at work last night
that I actually thought was cute and funny.
He wasn't wearing a ring
and had a good job.

I just pipl'd him and guess what I found?
He's only TWENTY years old,
and has had multiple arrests...
one for under-age drinking,

Why am I surprised?
This is par for the course as far as my taste in men goes.

I told my mom tonight that I don't date anymore
because I've developed an allergy to it...
I tend to break out in relationships.


Yeah, you're welcome....

This advertisement was in House Beautiful.

Nicely played.  Nicely played.

Cuz I'll be buyin' what they be sellin'.


Friday five

Friday five
  1. First and foremost… HAVE YOU SEEN IT?????  Of course I’m talking about New Moon!!!!  It was FANTASTIC!  I love me some Twilight, but I really didn’t think the movie was well done.  THIS, however, was done very, very well.  The only problem I had with it was that it resonates too much with my own life right now and so I was depressed  at the end.  But lucky Bella…she gets her happy ending. :)  I’m so excited that I got to go…we’ve been waiting a LONG time for this day!
  2. Looks like I’m gonna have to DRIVE home for Christmas (BLECH!)  I just don’t have the money for airfare early enough to get decent prices on tickets.  We’ll see what happens.  As long as I’m there in time for Chelli & Dewey’s New Year’s Eve party I’ll be good.  Why???  Because Mama needs a cocktail!
  3. I sent a fax to the prison this week to let them know that they have the evil one’s name spelled wrong in their system.  It’s been that way for years and I didn’t think much about it until I decided to search for him in some national databases for sexual offenders…he shows up, but ONLY if you spell his name WRONG like they have it in their system!!!  If you spell his name right, he doesn’t show up at all!  That’s not cool, so hopefully they will pay attention to my letter and fix it.
  4. I can tell I’m a little more stressed this week (it’s shark week and we’re all BITCHY!) because the freaking itching is back!  GAHHHH!  It’s called neurogenic itching or “scratch dermatitis”, which means it’s of a neurologic origin and not from a rash or anything like that.  It’s mainly stress, depression or anxiety related.  No one knows why, it just is.  And there’s nothing really that can be done about it except for relieving the source of it…the stress.  HA!  If anyone knows how to do that, let me know!  Because I itch!  And when I say itch, I mean I-T-C-H!!!  And the bad part is that it makes itself worse…meaning if you scratch one time, the itch gets worse…the more you scratch, the more you will itch.  One scratch is too much and 10,000 are not enough!
  5. Since I couldn’t buy plane tickets, I did get to buy a dining room table & a new Christmas tree.  You can see the table and the story behind it here.  Amelia is SO cute…she has already washed it and polished it a few times.  She is so happy and proud to have it.  Bless her baby heart…while the older two are busy flooding my inbox with Christmas lists and pictures of things they want with full links and everything, Amelia just wanted a table so that we could eat as a family for Thanksgiving and is now so grateful to have it.  She’s such a good girl.


    You know you wanna try it

    I have to tell you about something that has REVOLUTIONIZED my life!!!
    Some people are gonna judge me,
    some people are gonna laugh at me,
    but the rest of you...
    you'll get it.
    And you'll be able to appreciate this.

    People, I have two words for you...

    (Okay, I swear the angels just sang when I said that!)

    Ever since I was little I have H-A-T-E-D going to the grocery store.
    I would physically get ill and have to sit down while there...just ask my mom!
    As an adult, my cupboards are bare way too
    often simply because I procrastinate about going to the store.
    Everyone always wants to know why...

    I don't know why!

    I just can't stand it.
    Especially after having worked all night long and being exhausted,
    the thought of crawling out of bed, rushing to the store and coming back
    to get dinner ready before running to work again...
    And I've already shared how I can't trust Courtney
    because she spends all my money.

    the other night at work,
    someone said, "You know safeway delivers, right?"
    No.  I didn't know!
    I immediately went to their website to check it out.
    Sure enough!

    last night at work, as soon as my paycheck hit my account,
    I took my lunch break and went online to order my groceries.
    I picked out everything I needed, paid for it,
    and by 11:00 this morning all the bags were
    delivered to my front door and that was that!

    I have a full kitchen full of groceries and I barely had to lift a finger!
    And it barely took any of my time...
    something you can never get back once it's gone.
    They aren't making any more time you know.

    What was even better?
    Free delivery for the first 60 days!

    They should totally pay me to be their spokeswoman.


    Captivate me

    He always knows what's best for me.
    I don't always agree with him,
    and way too often I fight him,
    kicking, screaming, begging and bargaining.

    He holds me tight in a spiritual bear hug
    with my pleading, tear-stained face begging him
    not to force certain changes on me.
    Please don't make me do that,
    or please don't take that person away from me,
    or please give me such and such...just this one time.

    All too often, he tells me no.

    And all too often he has to hold that bear hug for a long, long time.

    Until I finally tire myself out from the struggle
    of trying to make it happen and will it into existence,
    when I finally stop fighting and slump into a heap in his arms.
    Where my head and throat ache from the crying (literal or imagined),
    and there are no words left because the exhaustion
    makes talking too much of an effort.

    A victim of spiritual ADD my whole life long,
    being still and knowing that He is God is a thing of great difficulty for me.
    Not the knowing part, but the being still and cooperating bit.
    Or the being still and behaving myself.
    Or the being still and quiet long enough
    to allow him to captivate me.

    Because he wants to.

    Captivate me, that is.
    He wants to woo me.
    Love me.
    Consume me.

    He loves me.

    HE is the lover of my soul.

    Not another man who will walk away from me.
    Or a friend that will betray my loyalty.
    With HIM, there is no other shoe to drop.

    The problem is that it's easy for His voice to be drowned out
    by any other loud, distracting noise going on in life.
    Just as I'm starting to hear his voice again,
    my head spins around as I exclaim,


    I wish it were as easy to fix as taking a pill.

    I know that it's always for my good.
    And I'm ALWAYS a better person at the other end.
    But I don't think I will ever learn to love the process.
    Loss is painful.
    Change is hard.
    And sometimes sad.

    It's a good thing he said to come just as I am.
    Because sometimes I look good,
    but other times I'm a big hot mess.

    I can feel that I pretty much have quit struggling
    during this latest bear hug.
    The quiet and surrender have descended on me.
    Acceptance has begun.
    Which means a whole new kind of pain has too.
    But at least I have been through this process
    enough times to be able to recognize the progress.
    I know that the hardest part is over.

    Now healing.

    I don't know how to do that.
    I thank HIM that I don't have to know
    because it's His job to know.
    I just have to surrender.

    I feel bad that it takes so much energy on his part
    to get me to the point of surrender.
    I'm like a wild horse who needs broken.
    I stay broken for that part of the journey only
    and then it has to be done all over again.
    Like I turn into a pumpkin at midnight or something.

    Oh well.
    I guess He knew what he was getting himself into when he
    a) created me
    b) decided to love me forever

    For today,
    I am still.


    Who would you pick?

    If you had to pick another woman to look like,
    who would you pick?

    I, without a doubt, would pick
    Penelope Cruz.
    I think she is one of the sexiest, most beautiful women EVER.
    Go girl!
    I can't wait to see her in "NINE"
    which comes out next month!


    AWW!  I'm doing something right!

    We were just watching tv,
    and there was a story about a family
    who was down on their luck
    & were being blessed with a gift of

    I jokingly said,
    "they can send some of that over this way!
    We're poor too!"

    Courtney looked at me like I was crazy and said,
    "We are NOT poor.
    We are the furthest thing FROM poor.
    We are very blessed."

    I thought my heart would pop out of my chest!!!
    Although I fully agree with her,
    it surprised me that SHE would feel that way!
    That SHE would have actually learned that lesson over the years!

    With the bank account buried on E,
    and no food in the fridge,
    to still have the knowledge that we are rich in other ways
    and are blessed over-all...
    Maybe my work here is done.
    I've been so worried about her turning 18 next month *gulp*
    actually I am still worried,
    but maybe now I'm slightly less so.
    Maybe the big stuff HAS sunk in here and there.

    my cup runneth over.

    I challenge you!

    This is one of the best ideas that have made it
    through my ambien haze in quite a while!

    I get all philosophical and insightful when I have ambien on board
    and tonight I was trying to think of ways that I can
    make the lives of me & my girls beautiful, magical and full of wonder
    as we will be entering into this holiday filled season.

    Spirits have been drained and stress has taken its toll,
    and this is the season of falling on our knees in thanksgiving and joy...
    followed up with a season of pure joy and happiness over the miracle that happened
    when God chose to send his only begotten son to Earth to be born in a manger....
    well, you know the story! :)

    So, as with any great meal, any college degree, any vacation...there is prep work to be done.
    You have to prepare yourself for the event.
    There are things that will make it better if you do it ahead of time.

    So I've decided that the first step is to focus on getting our family
    back on it's spiritual track the way that it should be.
    To do that, we will be getting into church, we will be spending some family time together...maybe in the word every day.  Or even reading from a chicken soup for the soul book....you can be encouraged many places.

    Then there's this challenge:
    I want my family to listen to NOTHING but
    Christian music or Christmas music (which IS Christian music)
    for one whole month.  Yes!

    I firmly believe that if we stick to this,
    that not only will our spirits be renewed and our cups filled,
    but it will in-turn make our holidays more beautiful and heart-filled.
    We will enjoy each other more,
    enjoy our lives more,
    enjoy the process of blessing others with gifts more,
    and it will make the time we share with our family & friends
    feel that much more blessed.

    I have a feeling my kids will give me grief at first...
    till they see I'm not playing.
    Then it will get better.

    If you decide to do it too,
    let me know how it goes!
    We'll compare notes!!!

    This cracks me up...

    Actual tag.


    Happy Monday y'all!

    So wuzzup everybody?? :)

    I'm feeling bright eyed and bushy tailed....
    and now it's midnight and can't do anything with it!

    I worked over 50 hours in the past five days and was
    Now I've literally slept ALL day and am lucky enough
    to get ONE more whole day off.
    But I'm grateful for it.

    I like my new job, it's going really well.
    I'm not nearly as tired as I would be if I were still working the floor though.

    I've been working so much
    (no more than normal, it just feels like it),
    that last week was my anniversary
    and I didn't even know it! lol
    It's not like I would have celebrated it or anything, but still.

    Speaking of the wasband...
    I heard he's been badmouthing me and
    saying that....get this....wait for it, wait for it..........

    That I'VE stuck him with all the bills and
    ruined his credit!
    I know, right?
    That is so far removed from reality I can only laugh at it. lol

    Kids are sick again.
    First it was Maddie, then it was Courtney.
    Madelaine is actually starting to feel better now and
    will probably be able to go to school tomorrow.
    I'm just praying Amelia & I don't get it.
    That's the LAST thing we need!

    NEW MOON comes out in a few days!!!
    Can I get a WOOT WOOT???
    I can't wait!

    One last thing...
    I got flirted with today.
    Oh yes I did!
    And he is SINGLE. And VERY educated. And well-traveled.
    Okay, he's young enough to, well, not be my kid,
    but at least make me look like a COUGAR.
    AND he asked if I was "taken, single or batting for the other team."
    I guess you have to ask these days,
    and it didn't offend me,
    I had just never been asked that before
    and it made me laugh!


    Four leaf clover

    This is my last night of work before a whole two days off.
    It's going good.
    But I'm tired.
    More than anything my kids have been stressing me out lately.
    I mean SUPER, MAJOR stressing out.
    For example,
    I tried to get groceries (because my fridge is EMPTY)
    and couldn't.  Know why?
    Turns out my lovely daughter has spent $310 at the GROCERY STORE
    in the past week on NOTHING in particular.
    Just a lot of nothing.
    And then on top of work and everything,
    her new boyfriend arrives on a bus from the Air Force Base.
    Yeah, good times.
    He is actually a very nice young man,
    but I made sure his happy butt was good
    & parked in a motel before heading to work.
    (I know, I know.  Please don't say it.  You'll only add to my mountain of stress.)

    He left to go back today.
    Now I can go to work in peace.
    And start to believe that things are going to start calming down.

    I feel like I've been living constantly on that constant adrenaline that
    I was so used to a few years ago
    and I DON'T like it.
    Between personal trauma, swine flu, finances, work,K-I-D-S, etc,
    I feel like my head is about to explode.
    Something HAS to give soon.
    It has to.
    God won't give me more than I can handle,
    so something HAS to give soon.
    So I trust that it will.
    I'm holding onto my four leaf clover
    and smiling because I know that tomorrow will be better
    and then better and better and better.


    Madelaine just texted me at work
    to tell me that she has started throwing up again.
    *blank stare*


    She's out of surgery!

    (Jessica on the left, Courtney on the right)

    Jessica had her surgery today and is doing great!
    She's still on a morphine drip that is making her comfortable,
    but she is doing really good so far.

    Mike & Maribel are still super-stressed though,
    so keep them in your thoughts and prayers please.
    The worst is hopefully over however,
    and things should keep getting better and better
    from this point forward.

    (Jessica on the left, Courtney on the right)

    Stuck in my head....

    Does anyone else find themselves singing or humming
    the song from the Target commercials?
    It gets stuck in all of our heads in this house!

    "More to luv"
    The Minnutes


    Like a flower through the sidewalk

    My friend Heather said something the other day that has stuck with me.  It has been rolling around inside of my soul and hasn't let go.

    “Hope is beautiful because it happens in the midst of pain. 
    In the absence of pain, hope has little meaning.” 
     Her saying this and me hearing this it was a God-thing if I've ever seen one.  They are words that my spirit inherently knows, but lately I've been struggling to remember.  It's at these times that I need to remember them the most and they are so true...it's only during the tough times that hope has the most meaning.
    Just like it's only during the tough times that someone really sees what their true character is.  It's easy to be good when life is good...but how do you treat people when the going gets rough?  And it's easy to be hopeful when life is rocking...but how much hope do you have when every day life seems to suck more and more.  Do you give up?  Do you lie down and die?  Or do you persevere?  When it's time to open your eyes and your natural instinct is to scrunch your face up and shut the world out, do you say to yourself, "No.  It's bound to get better.  God promised he would take care of me.  Lets do this."
    I'm grateful for my friends.  And family.  For my kids and my job.  I'm grateful for the experiences I've had and for the loves that have found me in my life....and even the loves that have left me.  I'm grateful for the wisdom that I've earned and for the small amounts of innocence that I still have.  I'm grateful that I can still smile, still appreciate the beauty in a flower, still lay my soul open in a page full of words.  I'm grateful that I can live life not caring at all what people think of me and yet care way too much.  Life is good.  Even when it's not.  Because it is still life and I still know that tomorrow will find me slightly more healed than yesterday did.  I live to love and forgive and evolve and do better.  Some people won't make that whole journey with me, and some people will still be here at the end no matter what horrible things I do or how many holes I crawl into and hide along the way.
    Like a flower that grows through a crack in the sidewalk, I always manage to find hope springing up.  And I'm grateful for that too.


    Something is not right

    I started taking prednisone this afternoon.
    These hives and my lupus have been driving me crazy
    for weeks now.
    So the doctor called me in a medrol dose pack.
    The dosage of a medrol dose pack is NOTHING
    compared to the doses I would normally take.
    For example,
    I would normally start with like 180 a day,
    and in this pack they start with 24 mg a day
    and taper down from there.

    Well, I DO NOT feel right since taking these pills.
    Something is NOT right.
    I even looked at the box again to make
    sure they gave me the right medicine.
    It's not bad enough to go to the hospital or anything,
    but if something should happen to me...
    tell them I didn't feel right after taking these pills!
    (I'm only partially joking)

    Update on Jessica

    I wanted to thank everyone for their prayers for Jessica (she's the one on the right)!
    She's been in the hospital for quite some time now
    and is bored to death, BUT is feeling fantastic now!
    She has been completely bedridden because they had to
    externalize her shunt in order to monitor it's drainage and
    has had every tube and wire known to man hooked up to her,
    so she couldn't be up and walking around.

    her infection is now GONE!
    And she feels much better.
    So now she is set for surgery on Thursday or Friday
    in order to replace the entire shunt system...
    all the way from her brain to her belly.
    Because of this, don't quit praying just yet!


    It's a good thing I like the job....

    Guess what the first thing I saw hanging on my new office wall???

    A HUGE picture of a freakin' WHALE!!!!

    For those not in the know...
    I hate whales.
    I must've been Jonah in another lifetime.
    They freak me out, scare me to death and were
    the main character in my repeating nightly nightmares as a child.

    It's a good thing I like the job.

    The picture just may come up missing some night though.
    That would work for me.


    Friday five

    1. Everyone is pretty much recovered from our H1N1 outbreak.  HALLELUJAH!  That was n-a-s-t-y and I don't want a repeat of that anytime soon!

    2. I started orienting for my new position as RN Clinical Manager this week.  It's a nice change of pace and love the role that it plays.  It's a nice mix of floor work & management.  I like to mix it up a little bit and not be stuck entirely in each role.

    3. Courtney politely reminded me that I now only have THREE paychecks until Christmas.  HOLY CRAP!  I'm still trying to get my bills caught up, how is it Christmas time already???

    4. Am starting to think about a trip home for the holidays (if I can get my bills caught up before then).  It will be nice to see everyone.  I miss their faces!  Hopefully there will be a good deal on tickets before then.  That's all Courtney wants for her EIGHTEENTH (*gasp*) birthday, which is the day after Christmas.  Hopefully I'll be able to make it happen for her.

    5. I rejoined both myspace & facebook this past week.  I never thought I missed it and frankly, was glad to be rid of them.  BUT once I was back and experienced the overwhelming welcoming back & much love that came from everyone including friends, family, church members & high school friends.  I can't believe all the people that were actually happy to see me!  That felt good because we all know that I have trouble remembering my worth sometimes.  And it was all people who have known me for years and years.  People who I sometimes fall into the trap of thinking care about me least, like I'm day old bread, you know?  I guess it's God's way of humbling me and reminding who really matters in this world.  Who says you can't go home again? 


    Time to close ranks! Prayer chain needed!

    We need major prayer for Jessica again!
    As you all know, Jessica has been Courtney's best friend since birth (literally).
    She had some recent problems with the shunt that she has had in since birth and had to have it revised.
    Well, the night before last, she began seizing and then went unconscious.
    She scared the pants off of her parents (Mike & Maribel)
    and they had to call the squad to take her to the hospital. 
    They've since tapped some fluid out of the shunt and discovered that
    she has a major infection in the fluid from her brain.
    They are pumping her full of antibiotics,
    but she is still severely sick and has been up vomiting and has an excruciating headache.
    They may have to entirely replace her shunt altogether.
    Please pray for our Jess and also for her family.
    They are stressed about all of this and worried at the outcome.
    Plus, this is Jessica's senior year and she's missing so much of it because of this!
    So if you're a prayer...please pray.
    Thanks so much!

    She's still in the hospital.  She's getting major antibiotics and they are still contemplating redoing her entire shunt system.  She's still in a lot of pain.  However, the nurses helped take good care of her last night so that Maribel could FINALLY get some sleep (she hasn't slept in days).  Please keep praying!  She's not out of the woods yet.  But God is good and I know she will be soon!

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