Soothes the savage beast

Some say music soothes the savage beast, but I say it's touch. I got woke up all too early today...at like 10:30!!! (I know! the nerve! lol) Normally he wouldn't dare tread on that ground because I can be downright hateful when I first wake up, but he woke me up with rubbing my back, then my head, and my legs and my feet. By the end of my massage all I could think about was how much I loved him and what could I do nice for him today. lol

Touch is such a funny thing because it can be used to cause harm and creat hate....or it can be used to tear down the biggest walls, melt hearts and creat love. I googled "effect of touch in marriage" and these are the things that I read:

*Touch is the first sensory system to develop, and it will continue to function even after sight and hearing have failed.

*Skin the largest sense organ, it covers your whole body.

*Touch cannot be 'shut off', it is in a constant state of readiness to receive messages.

*In an experiment, only 7 of the 40 verbal comforts succeeded in quieting children, but 53 of the 60 tactile-verbal comforts were successful.

Touch is awesome! It's one of the greatest gifts God created for us as humans....and I'm so grateful for it! :) I love that Scott can be generous with the touch... he needs to be with all the other crap he has going on!! lol Before I had him though, I used to pay my kids to rub on me...and they knew how to bilk the money from me! That would jack up their prices like little swindlers. I'd say "rub mommie's feet please" and they'd reply "$5.00 for three minutes"...WTH?? lol



I started my chemo again on Friday (they held it for one week) and I am SOOOOO tired! I mean more than ever before. Normally my third day after taking it (monday) is my "tired day". Now it's been all weekend. I went to bed late last night, but not late for me. It's my normal bedtime. Then i got up about 9 this morning for church, walked into the living room, saw Amelia eating breakfast at the dining room table, asked her if she was ok, told her I loved her, went pee, then went right back to bed. I didn't wake anyone else up for church I just did a u-turn and went back to bed. I then woke up at 3:30 this afternoon. And I probably could've kept on sleeping if I didn't feel so guilty! I feel bad for not going to church. I know I/we need it and when the rest of the family doesn't care too much once in a while, Maddie gets crushed when she misses church. Absolutely crushed. She loves church. She loves Jesus. And she wants to be there every single time she can be. Bless her heart. That's one of the things I love most about her and want to foster in her. I pray that God keeps that special place in her heart, because I've always felt he has big plans for her. She has a heart of gold and is so obedient. So helpful and just wants to help other people. I'd hate for her to fall into the world someday and say "My life would've turned out better if only my mom had taken me to church *sigh*, but she would always sleep till 3 in the afternoon on Sundays." LOL

Now I have to find some energy somewhere to go to the grocery store because we've got nuttin. bummer.


All V, all the time

Allison laughed last night that my blogs were like "Jekyll and Hyde" because I go from something deathly serious and depressing to something stupid like vagina cologne or overflowing toilets. I laughed with her because I know that she gets me & thought it was funny, but it got me thinking...I hope other people get me!

I hope if people take the time to read my blogs and get to know me they know that YES, I have a tendency towards depression. I also have gone through some MAJOR life crap...some public, some not. But I hope it's also apparrent that I try my hardest to not get stuck there and always try to turn things positive again and my silly/stupid side inevitably shows itself again pretty quickly.

I'm just a girl with issues trying to find the positive side. :)

I'M NOT JEKYLL AND HYDE! I'M NOT!!! lol Ok, so maybe I am...I don't care! I LOVE ME! And so does God!!

p.s....how much do I LOOOOVE my dancin girl up there??? I see her as a little me keeping it live on all my pages. She's always happy and gettin down! :)



A nasty new "Eau de Twatlette" for you excitement-challenged fellas!!! "It is an erotic fragrance made to trigger sexual attraction and desire by mimicking the tangy aroma of va-jay-jay." To excite and entice (yourself)? To make your friends think you're actually getting some action? Ewwwww. (I can only picture my little Amelia scrunching her face up, sticking her tonuge out and waving her hand in front of her face saying "oh that's naaaasssssteeeee!" lol

Word of advice fellas...don't wear it if you actually HAVE a woman. You go home smelling like this and she'll probably RIP YOU you're OWN va-jay-jay!!! LOL

Who not only thought of this, but WHO would agree to package and market this??? ROFLMBO!


Girrrrrlllll ROFLMBO

Oh honey! Oh no you didn't Girrrlllll!! If your friends can't tell you, who can??? You need to sit down and stay pretty!!! You look like you're doing the "Elaine dance" from Seinfeld!!! m-m-m-m-m! For real! And she gets paid millions to do WHAT??? I hope she acts better than she moves.


Return of the megacode

Well needless to say I feel sooo much better this afternoon than I did last night! Phew! I've been so stressed with all the "marriage stuff", bills and kids, etc. The last few days my stress sky-rocketed with studying to renew my ACLS certification on top of everything else. If you've never been certified for it let me fill you in...it's nerve-wracking! lol ACLS and irritable bowel syndrom should be synonymous! lol

ACLS stands for "advanced cardiac life support" and it means being able to do all the "code blue" stuff. You have to know meds, cardiac rhythms, and how to run the code and tell everyone what to do. The other times I recertified it was plenty nerve-wracking, but it wasn't that bad. You would take a big written test and have to interpret different EKG strips (which still is the same) and then they had different stations that you went to. Each station was a different theme and you went and sat at that station for a half-hour or so with a group of people and you were questioned (as a group mostly) on that particular subject or rhythm. It was never as horrible as you thought it was going to be and you left thinking "that wasn't so bad!". The "old-timers" would sit around and talk of the horrible, dreaded days of the "megacode" where they had to run a code blue from start to finish and if you got anything wrong you failed. YIKES!

So I studied a little bit last night and took my pretest. I got a 97% and so I was worried, but not too worried. I figured I've done this plenty of times before so it would be ok.... and I SKIPPED right over the part in the book about the megacode because we never have to do that right? I mean they haven't done that for like 20 years!

What do you think the first thing everyone is whispering about when we first get there? "Where are all the stations? What's going on?" Yep. *DUM-DUM-DUM!* (queue dreadful music) THE RETURN OF THE DREADED MEGACODE. We all must've looked like deer caught in the headlights! We just sat there bug-eyed and shaking in our seats when we were told that there were no more stations because they felt that some people might be slipping through without totally knowing everything so now each person has to be 100% on their own and graded accordingly. *GULP* We were all sweating bullets! I laughed inside when the first girl called reacted the way I would've wanted to but would've been too afriad to. She nervously yelled and almost started crying "NO! DON'T PICK ME FIRST! PLEASE, PLEASE! DON'T MAKE ME DO THIS FIRST!" lol So they let her off the hook. :) And then they made ME go first. (*cynical stare into the camera*)

They divided us into teams of 5. It was my job to direct these other 4 people in running this code. My case study was a 56 year-old woman who just had a hip replacement and I now walk into the room to find her unconscious and unresponsive..."GO!"

I have to say that I actually did A-W-E-S-O-M-E! *doin the cabbage patch* woot woot! Thinking I'm totally off the hook and that "I don't know what everyone's so scared about!"....until she says "see how smoothly she ran that? Too bad this is only PRACTICE and the real test will be a DIFFERENT case study this afternoon." Jigga-what??? Scuse me??? Awwww mannnn!!!!! They tricked us!! That was so mean. lol I'm sure I was looking totally deflated and suddenly I started to feel something coming on....FEAR. Satan had all kinds of demons whispering in my ears telling me that it could never go that smoothly again...I just got lucky! lol I was so nervous. I went to the bathroom like 10 times and I was having palpitations. lol We took our written test and I only missed 1!! Sweet! Not bad! I was beating myself up over the fact that it was a STUPID question that I missed but overall a little encouraged.

It's time for our megacodes again. We're standing around our makeshift hospital bed (a table), our manequin, crash cart and defibrillator. Someone's called...it's not me. They did ok. They stumbled a little bit, but not bad. They next lady goes and really bombs. Bless her heart she really did. We're all getting more nervous thinking we could be in her shoes in a minute. It's one thing to know what you're doing on paper, but to be in the pressure of the moment knowing someone is dying and the race is on and you're in charge...you tend to panic a little sometimes. After each person gets done someone takes her aside and critiques her. We can't hear anything they're saying...bummer.

Wouldn't you know that those dirty dogs saved me for LAST this time??? I don't want to be first, but I don't want to be last either!!! lol It's finally my turn and I hear, "You're in the e.r. and triage brings you back a 68 year-old gentleman who is pale, cold and sweaty. He says 'I feel like I'm going to pass out.' GO!" So I assign my team..."You please put oxygen on him, you start an i.v., you get a monitor on him and you take notes." I see that his heart rate is really slow and so I tell one of them to feel for a pulse. "NO PULSE, he's unconscious now". I point to two of them and ask them to begin CPR, point at another one and tell her to draw up a milligram of epinepherine and one of atropine.

"Push epi"

"Epi in"

"push atropine"

"atropine in"

"hang normal saline bolus. stop cpr and check rhythm"

The rhythm is now vtach....you don't want to see that. CRAP!

"shock with 200 joules. draw up another milligram of epi."


"epi in"

"resume CPR. 2minutes of cpr complete. stop cpr, change positions (to give them a rest). still in v-tach shock again at 200 joules. draw up another mg of epi and 300 of amiodarone."


"resume cpr"

"epi in. amiodarone in."

The rhythm changes to look like a normal sinus rhythm. (finally! I think. they've ALWAYS changed it to sinus rhythm when we are done)

"stop cpr. we have a regular rhythm, please feel for a pulse."


(what? what the frick??... see there's a heart rhythm where the person is dead and they have no pulse but there's still electricity flying around that shows up on a monitor like a heartbeat...so you have to actually check for a pulse...and my guy didn't have one. dang!)

"resume cpr, switch places if you need to. give 1 mg of epi and 1 mg of atropine"

"epi in. atropine in."

This goes on and on and on for what seems like FOREVER. Same routine. They would NOT get a pulse back. What did this instructor want from me???? BLOOD??? lol Then it comes to me.

"Have we gotten labs back yet? What's this guys blood sugar?"

"Blood sugar's low at 38."

"Push glucose."

"Glucose in"

My patient suddenly returns to sinus rhythm with a rate of 70.

"Stop CPR. Check for a pulse"


"(*sigh*) continue oxygenation and transfer patient to intensive care unit."

HOLY CRAP!!! lol My instructor then pulled me aside to critique me. She showed me my checklist and it was perfect...no notes scribbled or anything. She just smiled. I said "why did mine take like FIVE times longer than anyone else's???" She said "because you went first and did great so I wanted to throw you some curve balls and see if you crumbled or got anything wrong." I didn't ask for no curveballs!! lol She about had ME on the gurney in chest pains!!

All-in-all I'm very grateful that they think I did so well and I'm so thankful to the Lord that I got through that with no problems. But I'm so glad it's over. SO GLAD...for another two years anyways. lol


I slept through my comeback performance y'all!

My soft spot for Britney Spears has hardened. OMG! Could she have been any worse at the VMA's tonight??? If you missed it, let me tell you....she was HORRIBLE. She was glaze-eyed and stumbling through the whole thing. She looked half-asleep and hardly moved. She kept having to readjust her footing and a few times she even appeared to forget the words she was lip-synching!

I mean how many times do you have to be given another chance before it's time for some tough-love? She can't be enabled and handled with velvet gloves anymore. She was given a H-U-G-E chance for a career comeback...to be given a new single and let to open the video music awards.....and she spit all over it. I would be kissing the ground and shaping my act up in a huge way! Just so sad.

AND THE HAIR??? Come on Britney!!! WEAVE IT ALONE GIRL!!! It's short, it's long, it's blonde, it's brunette. You're gonna fry the new hair you're growing since your drunk butt shaved it off!!!

Enough is enough. If it's not getting any better than we need to just stop watching...it's like gawking at a fatal car accident.


And bob's your uncle!

Today Team Baum went for haircuts! I woke up this morning and decided "it's time for a change!" I looked at Scott and said "I think I'm going to get my hair cut...what do you think?" He asked "HOW SHORT??" I replied "chin length? maybe?" So I showed him a few pics and he got on board and off we went. Amelia ended up wanting "what mommy's getting." So she got a little bob too. I liked my longer hair and will miss it...but it will grow back. And this was a nice change. I just wish I had makeup on in these pictures so I'd be excited to show them off! lol



Some will be shocked, some will be happy (Stephanie, I know that you always sneak onto myspace and read my blog faithfully so I will be placing you in that category lol). Tonight we went back to a fundamental Baptist church. I never thought I'd hear myself saying that... but I backtracked to my roots. Remembered where I came from. I have no issue with the Baptist part. I'm a Baptist from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. I have no problem with the fundamental part either...I believe that if the Bible says it...it's true. What I have a problem with is that those two words put together usually mean way too "religious", old-fashioned and tending towards legalism for my taste. And the music usually stinks. But for a few reasons that I won't go into we needed to go and after talking to the pastor today he told me that Awanas (it's kind of like a christian boys and girlscouts) had their first meetings of the new school year tonight so the kids wouldn't miss anything. So..... we went.

I have to admit that I wasn't very excited. I was nervous. And I wore PANTS. lol Some people might be thinking I'm crazy by saying that, but people that grew up with me or in churches like Idid will know exactly what I'm talking about. I went in with a smile in my face but with doubt in my heart. Then the strangest things happened.

I got the kids to their classes and we entered the auditorium and sat down. There weren't a whole lot of people there at the beginning so we were sitting there in the quiet just taking it all in. Even though it was a totally different church than I grew up in with a totally different look there were still so many similarities. First of all, most sanctuaries have the same smell. It's a musty kind of smell. I looked at the worn hymnals. There were NO hymnals at the charismatic church we had been attending. I looked up front at the platform...or altar should I say. There was NO altar at the other church. On one side of the platform there was an organ and on the other side there was a piano. On the platform towards the back on one side was the American flag, on the other side was the Baptist flag. There were NO flags at the other church. Then someone walked past and smiled and stuck his hand out saying "HI!! I'm B.J. It's so nice to meet you!" No one had ever greeted us at the other church unless they were told to "turn around and shake hands with three people near you." or something like that.

It felt like going back home. I felt so comfortable. It was so familiar. I started to secretly hope that the rest of the fam would love it too. I was sure they wouldn't because it was so uncool in so many ways. They didn't have the flashing lights and huge projection screens and full praise band onstage. They just had simple, normal people there to support each other and serve God. Oh! And just as the service was starting, The Davis family that I grew up at Tower with (Soapie remembers them!!) came in and sat right in front of us! She looked at me and smiled and said "I recognized you even from behind but never thought it could really be YOU!!" :) It was really nice to see sweet faces that are so dear to me.

The preacher had a short mid-week message and then we broke off into prayer groups of women here and men out there. I thought that would be it because scott usually doesn't like to do new things alone and he kind of gave me a look when they first stated we were splitting up like "we're doing WHAT?" lol But he went and I stayed. We had some really good prayer time and I got to know a small group of women there. I kept thinking that I hoped Scott would like it because I think it would do alot of good for him to be in the company of christian men. He needs to make friends and have some good role models. After prayer when we were leaving one of the ladies I met gave me a hug and slipped something in my hand. She whispered "I know you've been having some health problems and it's tough to be the main breadwinner. This isn't much but it's enough to buy some milk and other things." She smiled and walked away. I looked in my hand and it was a $10.00 bill! That brought tears to my eyes. Here we were leaving a church that seemed so selfish and wouldn't even counsel us and here was an older woman blessing us just because she could. In that moment it's like I felt God giving me a hug and saying "welcome home babe."

Afterwards when we all met up again outside, before I could even get out the words "so how did everyone like it?" I was hearing how much they LOVED it. LOVED. EVEN COURTNEY LIKED IT. Oh yes she did girl! lol And for the grand finale Scott was exclaiming how much he really liked it and felt so immediately comfortable there. He loved that several people actually went out of their ways to shake his hand, introduce themselves and welcome him. He loved it and can't wait to go back.

What a surprise blessing. I begrudgingly went to a church that I thought I would hate every minute of and ended up with a new church home! It's so awesome the way that God works! Now if only he would surprise me just as quickly and out of the blue with enough money to pay all of my bills!!! lol :)


Sex on a stick

This is not normally the kind of blog I would ever write. But since my husband has no concept of loyalty and can't understand how bad it hurts my feelings and damages our relationship to look at other women, I decided that if that's the kind of relationship he wants then fine. I will oblige him just this once and voice the thoughts that are really going on in my head...at least to a point.

I am watching the Justin Timberlake concert on HBO right now and I'm telling you...he is one of the sexiest mother-frickers I've ever seen. He is like sex on a stick to me. He is so seductive...it comes out of his pores! YOU KNOW that any woman he's with is never wanting for any good lovin'. I think one of the things that turns me on most about him is the fact that he's talked so publicly about how hurt he was when Britney cheated on him and therefore is so monogamous it's ridiculous. Sounds very familiar to me. Loyalty is so so damn sexy to me. Too bad my own man could care less about that one very thing that really turns me on.


Ten (or more) things that I learned today.

*I LOVE finding favorite old cd's that I forgot even existed. I found my Julie Roberts cd tonight from a few years ago when I was going through a country kick. I put it in forgetting just what was on there and instantly melted back in time just as if in a time capsule. Which brings me to my next thing....

*Sometimes I really am grateful when I don't get my way. For example, this evening I was opening up a facebook account just to see what it's like over there. I was browsing through pages and pages and pages of people in this area and didn't find even one person that I knew. In the back of my mind I always have a small list of people that I know I would like to find. Most of them I really don't need to find. Curiosity doesn't need to kill this cat again. At least one of the songs I listened to tonight on my long-lost cd was a reminder of that. It was a sort of theme song for someone I knew a few years ago and even though it's always been bitter-sweet (as most relationship endings are), I'm so glad I'm not there anymore. Thank God for some unanswered prayers.

*I would rather be married and dealing with uncertainty and crap than dating and dealing with uncertainty and crap. At least now I feel that someone is working with me to be better and become more intimate.... vs. those committment-phobe players.

*A good church with all of the music, doctrine and community that I want is just as hard as a good spouse to find.

*I love days off.

*I need to take advantage of the loss of appetite that comes every week the few days after taking my chemo. lol

*I like myspace so much better than facebook. And I'm letting go of 360. The season of 360 is passed. I really feel it. Everyone I need is on myspace and no one is ever even on 360 anymore. It's time to move on I think.

*I LOVE my profile song no matter what anyone else thinks. lol I sometimes go to change it and just can't bring myself to do it. I love that song. I love Katie Melua. I love her Jazzy, bluesy, quirky voice. Love it.

*I really to LOVE my background too. My daughter absolutely HATES it. lol She says it's the "ugliest, most old-lady background" she's ever seen! I was instantly drawn to it. I couldn't figure out why for a while, but the more i think about it I think it's because it's reminiscent to me of the 30's and 40's. The color, the deco style. Yep, I think that's it. It's very romantic to me....and some people think I'm crazy but I don't care. :)

*Money goes way too fast...especially when you really need it for something else.
I LOVE fall weather. I really, really do. And I assume that I will re-write that sentence again every year for the rest of my life.

*I'm private and don't really like to be bothered much. I've seen some preaching on that lately and know it was aimed (at least a little) towards me. They wore a "DO NOT DISTURB" sign around their neck during the whole sermon and talked about how bad it is to be inaccessible to others and that our main goal should be to love and give and help. Today when Courtney talked about the fact that her boyfriend and his family are planning a whole vacation around northern Ohio (I know right? lol) so that they can come see Courtney, go to Cedar Point and meet her parents all I could think was "I hope they don't bother me too much. I don't feel like meeting them! ugggh". lol Ungracious, I know. But that's me. When I want to be social, I go be social. I don't like socialness forced on me. And I don't like bothered in my private spaces like home. I'm working on it. Or should I say God is working on me.

*Last but not least...I still cuss way too much. I do and I know it. I think it's such a filthy habit. I hate Scott's smoking but I can understand about the bad habit part because cussing is one of my drugs of choice. The way "quit touching my shit" or "shut the f**k up!" rolls off my tongue sometimes feels so pleasing. Or "that's so bad-ass!" Or "you're such a bitch" when talking to Carl. lol It's another thing I'm working on. And actually I've been doing pretty darn good.... but I kind of fell off the wagon today. Darren and Courtney were bickering ALL DAY LONG and drove me crazy and I ended up going off a few times. I'm human. I'm learning. It's hard letting go of an old lover. *sigh*
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