I don't know why I have such a hard time bringing myself to blog lately. Throughout the day there will be so many things that come to my attention that I get inspired to write about and then when it comes time to blog I just can't. I freeze up. Some out of laziness I suppose, some out of privacy.

*ATTENTION.....there is a spy among us. I have known for quite some time that there is someone pretending to be my friend while talking out of the other side of his face to my ex-husband. I haven't said anything because I'm well aware that I am writing on a public blog and that Randy could come and read this anytime he wants. The issue is that he doesn't. He doesn't have to. That's because someone who claims to be my friend constantly goes and tells him what's on my blog. That's shady. Being my friend...and especially reading my blog over the years...one would know that the quality I admire most in a person is LOYALTY. The thing that turns me on most in a relationship is....LOYALTY. So by-the-by, don't ask me why I never chat much anymore when every conversation I have with my ex-husband starts with " 'someone' told me that you said....." Not cool. But I digress.

I think I handled that pretty calmly don't you guys?? :) No big-ol' blog barf over here....I'm evolved. lol "Hallelujrrrrrr"!! ROFLMAO If you don't notice I'm on a Madea kick lately. It happens every year or so. She cracks me the hell up! She has some really good things to say and then peppers them with some of the funniest, most inappropriate things. lol Kind of reminds me of myself I suppose. :)

Good news today... I FINALLY got my computer from Best Buy!! For those not familiar with the saga... I haven't seen my computer since June 22. Yes...over TWO months. It's been a ridiculous journey with them screwing it up at every turn. They would ship it off to the repair center only for it to be sent back untouched. So they'd resend it...it would come back untouched. Repeat this process at least six or seven times and you'll appreciate my frustration. They actually tried to send it home with me one time...hoping that I wouldn't notice that nothing was different about it. I said "absolutely NOTHING has been done to this...they didn't even restore the hard drive! NOTHING!" They replied "Oh, sorry about that...I guess you're right. We'll send it back out in the morning." It got so frustrating that a few weeks ago i called corporate headquarters and started giving them earfulls. They sent me a gift card for my troubles and then nothing else happened. They said that they would "escalate and expedite" my order...but nothing happened. So I decided to start making their lives hell by calling them with a daily update. I figure...one week, bad enough. Two weeks...frustrating. A month...oh hell no. TWO MONTHS? Someone in that store's funna get shanked when they walk out into the parking lot! Yeah I'm talking to you Geek Squad! So yesterday I get a voicemail saying that they have approved my request to be given a new computer due to the extenuating circumstances. FINALLY! So because I had such a nice pc to begin with they basically let me pick what I wanted. SWEET! :) I could've gotten a laptop if I wanted...pick of the litter. So I basically got the newest, most bad-a** computer they had. Actually there was ONE better, but I didn't want to be greedy. lol I got to the counter and they all looked at the sticker like "whoa." One of them commented..."you sure did luck out with an upgrade huh?" I just smile softly and said "yep." I wanted to start singing "Don't you wish your p-c was hot like mine??? don't cha??" Let that be a lesson to them to treat their customers like crap! I really do think alot of it was because I'm female...you should've heard and seen some of the things they pulled on me! I'm tired of men thinking women are stupid! Newsflash....I'm NOT stupid and not much gets by me. Now I'm the one sitting here looking at the pretty blue light on the front of my pretty new computer. :)

Schools back in.....WOOHOO. Having the days by ourselves in the house in soooo nice. The pic up top is of Amelia and Madelaine on their first day. My beauties. They're getting so big and looking so grown. I didn't realize how long Maddie's hair is getting until I saw the picture. She cracks me up...my little woman. The night before she had all her clothes laid out just-so and had to put her curlers in her hair and wrap them just so aunt-jamima style so that she could sleep and she would have the appropriate amount of wave the next morning. So funny.

I had to have an "I & D" of my jaw done last week because of that infection I've been telling you guys about. Needless to say they unzipped my jaw all the way down to the bone, pulled another tooth, cleane everything out and stitched me back up like Frankenstein. It sucked! I would rather have four more babies naturally than do that again. SUCKED! I went today and got my stitches out. Hopefully I'll be on the mend now and my lupus will continue to settle down.

BTW...for those who aren't up to speed that's why I had to get this done anyways. See, lupus is an auto-immune disorder and anything that gets your immune system worked up also gets your lupus worked up and it starts attacking you at the same time it attacks the infection. So it's been so worked up for so long now (I've even had to start chemo) that in the search to find out WHY it has been so active it was decided that I had an infection in one of my teeth. So antibiotics didn't fix it. So they pulled the tooth. That didn't fix it. So FIVE rounds of amoxicillin and TWO rounds of clindamycin later they decided to manually go in, open my up and see for themsleves if there was any infection there. There was and it was cleaned out. And they also pulled another molar from over there that was starting to look infected in the process. Let me just repeat....THAT SUCKED.

Everything else is pretty calm. All my tv shows are over for the summer so I'm kind of bored.

Hope you're all having a good week!



What's up yo? How is everyone doing lately? Everything here is ok...for now anyways. lol Does anything ever really stay ok permanently? Um, no. So I'm satisfied with today being ok. :) Just thought I'd update those who care on what's going on in my life.

I'm LOVING my new job. Love isn't even a strong enough word! lol I am so blessed to have my job. It's awesome and of course I see all of my old friends just about as much now as I ever did before. They're all total haters because I get to sit there doing some paperwork while they're still running their butts off and answering doctor's calls. Poor them. ;)

The kids are all home now...and Maddie talks just as much as she did when she left. LOL I kind of miss Darren, but things are so peaceful here with just the three girls. Maybe I'll decide to let him stay there and see how it works out. I haven't made up my mind yet, but this peace thing is pretty nice!

My computer is STILL AT BEST BUY!!!! *grrrrr* I'm so mad about that I don't even know what to say about it. It's been there since June 27th or something like that. It gets shipped here then there. It sits for days on end with no updates. I've been on the phone with corporate headquarters all week complaining and putting my foot down. They supposedly "expedited" my order....yeah whatever, that was a big fat joke! It sat for FIVE days waiting for shipping because they "didn't have a shipping container." Then it took NINE days to fed-ex it to Kentucky. It got there on the 7th of this month and they're still looking at it. AGAIN. STILL. So I reminded them that they aren't doing me any favors and that this is an extended warranty that I paid for...and that I'm certainly not getting my money's worth. He responded with "Ma'am, I just don't know what to tell you other than we're sorry." I said "you're going to tell me that you're sending me at least a gift card!!" I mean come on! Hook a sister up for putting up with this crap! So I got a $100 dollar gift card in the mail today! woohoo! The first bit of justice since this mess started! lol We went shopping tonight to blow off my frustrated steam over my computer and to shoot the geek squad some dirty looks while I was there. I bought Scott a new coffee pot since he broke the pot of our old one a few weeks ago. Did you know that a replacement pot is like $20?? That's craziness. It's just as well to buy a new one! On top of that I bought a few cd's that I've been wanting to get. I always download some of the songs and then if I like them enough I buy the actual album. I got Corinne Bailey Rae, James Morrison, Justin Timberlake and Big Daddy Weave. I put back the new Maroon Five so that we could get the coffee pot....I'm such a nice wife! When we got home he made perogies (I'm too cool for spell check so I have no idea if that's how to spell that! lol). By the way, just so you all know.... I happen to be married to the BEST perogie cooker!!! No kidding. He doesn't actually MAKE them...I could care less about that. Let Mrs. T's do the work and make the mess! But the way he cooks them and seasons them??? Oh my gosh. MMMM.

Allison and I have decided to make candles again this year. So FYI....candle sale coming your way next month!! We're going to be doing a fall and Christmas sale with three scents for each. We're doing a few of our most popular and requested scents like Harvest, Cider, Cranberry and Gingerbread and then we're also adding a few new ones. More details to come! :) I can't wait though! My house is going to smell soooo good!!!

The chemo is going ok. Side effects aren't as bad as I was afraid of so that's good. I am nauseous alot and the fatigue can be overwhelming. I thought I was tired before! Certain days out of the week I can be EXTREMELY tired. I can be up for about a half-hour max before I have to lay back down for 15 or 20 minutes. I'm not noticing any benefit from it yet at all unfortunately. I actually feel alot worse as far as the lupus goes. I haven't taken any steroids since I started the chemo five weeks ago and I am having alot more pain in my joints and inflammation. So really I don't know if the fatigue is from the chemo or just from the bad lupus flare. Unfortunately I also have a bad infection that I'm HEAVY antibiotics for. It's the tooth abcess that I've had since Easter. I even had the tooth pulled to see if that would help and it didn't. I've gone through FIVE rounds of amoxicillin and this is my second round of high-dose clindamycin. I was referred to an infectious disease doctor and she gave me the meds and then referred me to an oral surgeon because she said I'll have to have oral surgery to clean it out and make sure I don't have osteomylitis (infection of the bone). If it doesn't stop after that then I have to start having IV antibiotics. This sucks so bad! It's a big sucky viscious circle because the infection and the meds have my immune system in an uproar (hence lupus flare-up)... so I'm on the chemo to lessen my immune system so the lupus won't be so bad, but then I don't have as much of an immune system to kick this infections butt very quickly. So please pray for my health. STILL.

On a final note.... For the first time in five years I sent the evil one a letter. Yep, you heard me. Actually it wasn't a mere letter...it was quite the nastygram. I like to check every now and then to make sure that he is still tucked away in Marion prison so the world can sleep in peace for a few more years. Last night I checked on him and he was still there....good. So I went to the local court's site and checked on the case just to make sure there weren't any updates..... and there were. HE'S TRYING TO GET OUT EARLY!!!!! He filed for a "judicial release" or something like that...which is basically requesting early release for good behavior. OH HELL NO!!! They turned him down....PRAISE GOD....but what makes me so mad is that they didn't even notify me!!! I filled out one of those victim notification forms when he first went in and I guess it didn't do any good! I'm supposed to be notified and be able to speak on Courtney's behalf after any request that he makes. They'll be hearing from me too...have no doubt about that! I was LIVID. I really tried not to worry about it all night but I did anyways. I spent the night praying about handing it over to the Lord and for him to please help me not to think about it and worry about it. I know that God has promised to take care of us and protect us...and I have not even a drop of doubt that he will...but for some reason the video player in my head wouldn't quit playing scenarios of him getting out. I WOULDN'T HAVE EVEN KNOWN HE WAS OUT if they had approved his request!!! He could've just shown up at my door. He could walk right in. He could kidnap my girls right out of my yard! I need to quit talking about it because I can feel the panic coming over me like a wave and the tears are already here again. I have to just let God have it. NO WEAPON FORMED AGAINST ME SHALL PROSPER. But before I handed it back to God I wrote the evil one a letter. ;) I went off on him and basically said HOW DARE YOU! How dare you try to get out early! You have been a bully and a coward since the day I met you and have done nothing but wreak terror on me and my children. The only thing that's brought me even a little bit closer to forgiving you is that you had admitted what you had done and were serving your time like the "man" you're supposed to be! Don't you even THINK about taking that small amount of justice away from us! MAKE NO MISTAKE ABOUT IT...I have had five years to detox from you and I am even MORE protective of my family than I was then! If you even THINK about applying to get out early again, my face and my name will HAUNT you. I will be there to speak every single time. If it takes my dying breath I will make sure that you sit there until December 2011 like you're supposed to! I would get more if I could! I was being GENEROUS by not seeking life in prison like the prosecutors wanted me to. etc., etc.

All Scott said after he read it was "wow." I never thought I would ever write or speak to him again. I have this righteous indignation that was reignited in me last night that I havn't felt in several years now. I told him that he needs to get his life right with God, because if he had already done that he wouldn't be trying to get a "get out of jail free card." Pheww. God's the only thing that can truly protect us.... or change him.


With hope

My friend is hurting. She has lost someone very dear to her and now she is grieving. I can pray for her. I can encourage her. I can listen when she needs to be heard.......................... But I can't fix her. I can't take away the pain. I can't make her better.

When Maribel and I were talking recently she was telling me how she wished she could tell her friend Carla "I'll take it for you. I'll be sick for you today and your husband will stand in your shoes tomorrow. We'll all take our turns. And then I'll be sick again next week when it's my turn again. That way you never have to be sick again." She wanted so bad to comfort someone that she loved...and she was powerless...and I know exactly how she feels (at least to a point).

I pray so hard for Maribel. I feel so protective over her and have for quite a while now. When her little brother was killed a few years ago and she slipped into a deep depression is pretty much when my spiritual battle for her began. I had seen her sad and/or frustrated at times over the years, but I had never seen her so vulnerable to the darkness like she was then. I prayed for her...fervently. I phoned, I supported. I was at a loss as to what to do really...because what can you really do when someone is going through something like that? But I did what I could...most of it behind the scenes (just like I am now). I remember when I made my will a few years ago I even specifically addressed her in it. Actually it was to others in regards to her. I was stating how I know that she would have a hard time dealing with this and that others should be very aware that she was taken care of and looked after (especially during the funeral, etc.). I just wanted to see her feel better and never feel that way again.

But she does. She's hurting again. And I can't fix her. The positive side of things is that I see her very clearly doing things differently this time around so that she doesn't slip down so far. She's reaching out. She's maintaing contact. She's aware of herself and her feelings and what could happen if she lets go. For that I'm so grateful.

Maribel, I know you said today "I know it happens to everybody, but don't he know I am not that strong?"....but honey you are that strong. You really are. God loves you and he promised that he wouldn't give you more than you can handle. He's taking care of you even when you feel so alone. Sometimes we are strong when we are standing face to face with the enemy.... and sometimes we are strong when we are in a crumpled heap totally vulnerable at the Father's feet.

I know I'm not telling you anything that you don't already know....I'm just helping to to remember. You have a big support system. You are SO loved. You are admired and looked up to. You have wisdom. You give great advice. You are loving and caring. You are hillarious! And YOU ARE strong. You're going to be ok....and I'm going to walk beside you however long it takes for you to feel ok again. I love you friend. I really, really love you.
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