I just knew that writing about what I was feeling would be cathartic...and it was. I feel like I had a huge breakthrough today in the situation that I was going through. I felt twinges here and there of the resentment that I wrote about, or the guarding of myself and pulling away...but overall I have to say it went pretty good. I was actually able to let my guard down and enjoy this person like I always have and like I know that I should. Woohoo!!! I LOVE progress!



Recently someone did something that sent me reeling. I don't really want to talk about what it was, but it was someone that I trusted implicitly and loved very much and when I had seen what this person had done...I was so hurt. And mad. I felt betrayed and was so sad. And it's still haunting me. The problem is that I don't want to stay there in that ugly place. I want to heal and move forward, but I just don't know how. I know that this wasn't a true reflection of this persons character...at least I hope not, and so I don't want to shut the door on them forever. I want to forgive and so I'm praying for the Lord to show me how. The desire is there, but God has to do the healing I suppose because it seems that my whole being has shut down in large part to this person. Trust and vulnerability were all affected and I can feel myself starting to get really depressed...which is what worries me the most. I really don't want to ever go back there again. I feel resentful and lonely. And I always say that carrying resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die...it does you no good at all. So I've gotta get rid of this pronto.

This person has apologized and I believe they are sincere. I know that this is a situation for the Lord to heal....something between he and I....not this other person and I. I need to decide to get over it and heal and set better boundaries next time, but it's oh so easy to just shut down instead. Even if I don't mean to or want to...it's subconsciously happened. I've been praying alot lately for the Lord to teach me how to react appropriately to situations. I think because of my unhealhty upbringing that I never truly learned that art. Everything was unhealhty and dysfunctional, so the way I learned to react was the same. I have always either under-reacted and things just roll off of me that others would be shocked at...or I over-react and go off when I don't really need to go that far. I do believe that I reacted appropriately in this situation...the problem now is letting go. React appropriately, process it, heal, move on.

I'm hoping that writing about it will help exorcise some of these demons and get it out. I'm willing to try anything I guess.


Oops, I did it again

Well that didn't go so good! A silent prayer in the form of "Lord, oops I did it again." I confronted Courtney about her myspace page with all the proof, pulled up her page for her...with all of her pictures on it, etc. And do you know what she said?????

"It's not mine."

OH YES SHE DID!!! She says a stranger must've stolen her pictures and made it...that people do it all the time. I responded with, "with all of your personal information and stories in all of these surveys?" You know what she said then???

"You can't prove it."

That's when the first silent prayer of, "Lord please help me because I'm going to kill this child!!!" went up. The calm cool conversation that I had planned out for a week or so with God's help and guidance suddenly turned into one HUGE


Yeah, it didn't go so well. lol It ended up with her screaming a blood-curdling "I HAAAAAAATE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!" me threatening to throw her in the detention home vs. knocking her braces out if she continued to run her mouth to me, and both of us in separate rooms sobbing. Not so great. So as usual....I'm sitting here deflated and wondering what the heck happened back there? Keep praying for us please. Thanks friends.



Sunday at church the sermon was on leadership. It was based on Acts 20:28:
Take heed therefore unto yourselves, and to all the flock, over the which the Holy Ghost hath made you overseers, to feed the church of God, which he hath purchased with his own blood.

The pastor talked about how the positions of leadership that you are in, whether it's over a large corporation...or just a home and family, are given to you by the Holy Spirit. They don't belong to you...they are God's...bought and paid for with his own blood. You are simply the stewards over those gifts and that we all need to strive to be good leaders.

I started thinking about the positions in my life where I am in places of responsibility and leadership. First of all, at work I am often charge nurse. Really, it's not that big of a deal...but even there I can find places to either gain or lose respect. Most importantly, my children came to my mind. They have been the largest (and most challenging, might I add) responsibility I have ever had in my life. Naturally, they're also where I've had the most challenges.

The pastor was talking about the first part of the verse that says, "Take heed therefore unto yourselves...". He reminded us of how it's so important when in a position of leadership that you have to nurture and take care of yourself first. Such as on an airplane when the oxygen masks fall down. They always tell parents to go against their natural first instinct and place the masks on themselves vs. their children. Afterall, if you're child is well-oxygenated and you're not...how can you take care of them and protect them? You can't. It's imperative to take care of yourself and make sure that you're healthy because "if you're sick then you will lead in a sick way." This has always been something that I've known and strove hard for. Sometimes I do better than at other times. But I've always said, "My kids are only going to do as good as I do." I'm always trying to analyze, pray, grow, change, do the best thing. I hope that when it's all said and done that my kids will see the good and not just my downfalls.

He also talked about how a shepard LEADS his sheep, he doesn't drive them. He walks in front and the sheep follow. He isn't behind them nagging or shoving. He sets the example and he is followed. My question has been this... so if I'm leading, why am I not being followed??? Why does at least one of my sheep always feel the need to forge her own path among the dangerous rocks and other dangers? Just like the shepard who will leave the flock to save the one wanderer, I have left to go find her so many times. I bring her back to the fold. I teach her (at least I try to). I try to be a better example to her. I try to watch more closely. But still, she insists on venturing out again.

I'm at a loss as to what to do anymore. I don't want to be like the lifeguard that sees someone drowing and in danger, but has to wait until the victim passes out in order to save them because they won't quit thrashing and doing themselves harm. I don't want to see my children harmed. Plus, they are a reflection of me. Acting a fool out in the world people will look and say "where is the mother? who taught them to act that way?" Well, she is right here! And she hasn't taught them to act that way! And she is struggling to save them from themselves right now.

Lord, I'm not sure what to do...please show me.



Tonight I'm back at work. It was such a wonderful ten days off. I'm totally jealous of Rachel who gets all summer off man!!! Let me tell you, it was G-R-E-A-T. Especially with Scott here. We've gotten so much done. First of all, the kids have been gone and so it's been peaceful and restful. lol I love them, but...ahhhhhhh. Second of all, we got the storage building cleaned out, lightbulbs changed (sounds funny, but they've needed done forever lol), and he got soooooooo much done around the yard. His nickname is Macgyver for a reason! lol He has been such a blessing to me. He has been so selfless in his giving. He has such a servants heart and it is such a blessing to me to be around someone like that. I'm usually the one giving around here and to have someone actually going above and beyond just to bless me is such an odd but wonderful feeling. He even found a ditch full of beautiful wildflowers and dug some of them up just so he could come and plant them for me in my back flower bed because he knew that they were my favorite.
As usual, the other person living in the house hasn't contributed much, but I didn't expect him to. A servants heart is definitely not one of his personality traits unfortunately. Oh well. What goes around comes around...and not just for him so I'm certainly not judging.
Today Scott rented a place here in town. After coming to visit, he decided that he didn't want to go back. He wants to be close to me and the kids so that he can get to know them better and we can be near each other. I'm so excited. I get choked up just thinking about it. All-in-all, it's been an amazing ten days and as sad as I am to be back at work, I know that my batteries (mind, body and soul) were well re-charged. God is so good...on the good AND on the bad days.



Have you ever noticed that right in the middle of the word "life" is the word "if" just staring out at you? Yep A big bunch of LIFES are just made up of a bunch of little "if"'s. I was thinking about this today as I was pondering my life and the rest of it. Lately this has been a pretty easy thing to do since I've been so peacefully happy. But today I allowed a few of the little "what if's" to pop into my mind. What if something goes wrong? What if he decides he doesn't love me anymore? What if he cheats on me? What if he withdraws emotionally and becomes depressed and never connects with me and we end up having a lonely relationship? You can see how the "what if's" can really get to you. But in order to maintain fair balance I decided to allow the other side of this debate to speak. "What if it stays just as peaceful and balanced as it is right now?" What if he really is as genuine as you've always known him to be? What if he really is as good around your children as it appears that he is? What if he really is that affectionate, funny, smart, friendly, helpful and God-seeking as he seems to be right now? Ok, here's a big one...What if you let him go out of fear...and then he turned out to be the best thing ever? I think that's the most appropriate question. Because I think he really is so wonderful. And spending this week or so together in close quarters has only made me believe it and see it so much more. And it's brought up other "if" issues too. Such as, What if he's the one? What if I'm supposed to say yes. What if this entire situation was set up by God himself so that I could appreciate the beauty of imperfection I always love in different situations. The fact that the timing was off and he was in another state and his health wasn't perfect and neither was his financial situation. I've thought about all of that and I've come to the conclusion that all of that was orchestrated with God's hands just for me. The girl who loves messy love. And loves people and situations that are beautifully and imperfectally perfect. Yes, perhaps that was it. Perhaps that's what he was thinking... "if I give it to her like this, and if he says to her like that...it will strike that chord in her heart that will resonate throughout her like never before. That's right...never before. Well, never since I was 15 and I knew it with him. I knew...I just always did. I considered him "the one that got away". And I looked for him and searched for him always asking God "what if" when I found him. And I did find him and it did open up a whole fresh box of "if's" for my life. But it seems that every question I've asked, he has answered with a sweet and beautiful answer. I question, he answers. I say "are you?", he says "yes I am."

I've always been a firm believer in "doubt-means-don't"...but what's so scary is that I haven't had any doubt. And I've been praying for doubt in a big way. I want to be discerning. I want to be responsible and aware. I want what God wants. And it even seems that when I ask God the same question, I get the same answer... Lord, is he?....Yes he is.

I was asked a very beautiful, heart-felt, personal, important question by Scott recently...and I said yes. It's a very quiet yes for now....but still a yes. I need to continue seeing the consistency in my life for a little while longer still before it becomes a big, loud yes. Please pray for me as you would want me to pray for you.

p.s. He bought me flowers today. The most beautiful little silver bucket of lavender, white and periwinkle buds you could ever find. Perfection...absolute perfection. What if he changes? What if he doesn't? What if he stays the same thoughtful, genuine, loving guy that you've always known him to be? Then I guess I'll be a pretty lucky girl.


Revisited, vol iv

There are onlya few weeks left until the one year anniversary of this blog. :) I'm almost a toddler! lol So I figured that at least once a week for the next several weeks I'm going to repost a blog from the past year that was significant to me...starting with the oldest and working my way to today. It's amazing to me to look back and read these and seeing just how far God has brought me in the last year. A year ago I was still in a horrible depression among many other things. It's nice to see the progress of walking through the valley...and coming out on the other side. :)


Originally posted January 31, 2006 Selfishness vs. Calling....

It's amazing to me how self-absorbed we as humans can get when we find ourselves in the midst of misery. I've been so miserable it's hard to explain. It's hard to breathe. My chest hurts. I'm short of breath. My head hurts. My muscles all ache. My throat is feeling slightly better thank God (for all my complaining..... thank you prednisone!).

As is typical with me I tend to always live in denial and try to push through the pain. Living with a chronic illness (lupus) and NEVER feeling "good", I've gotten used to a new kind of "normal". I know what a normal day feels like to me, but I always wonder what it would be like if someone else were transplanted into my body for just a day and walked in my shoes. Would it be "normal" to them? Or would they say "wow, this is really miserable!". I always have suffered from the "oh, I'll be okay...." syndrome. I hate to be the center of focused attention, you know... "oh you poor baby" type of thing. I always feel like a stupid big baby. After all the sickness I see all of the time I know that there is always someone else so much worse than me. Almost like I don't have a right to be sick. So unfortunately like I said... I tend to push through the pain (emotional or physical). Well that isn't a good thing because what happens is usually a nasty downward spiral and I end up sicker because I don't give myself a timeout to heal. I have to be everything for everyone and never take time for myself. I have to go to work, be there for my kids, make sure I return that phone call or email, make sure I go to lunch if i said i would go to lunch, etc. So I think I mentioned this morning about how my friend Don reminded me that people who are most susceptible to mono tend to be the "run down" people who don't get enough rest and have run themselves ragged (which is true). And he raised one eyebrow and gave me "the look". lol I call Don "Big Daddy" because that's what he is to me. He is a protector and giver of wisdom. I love him so dearly. And as much as I hate to admit it (especially to him)...he's right. So do you think that my stupid, sick, stubborn butt learned anything? pssshhhhh, yeah right! lol At first I did. I came home, cancelled my hair appointment I had scheduled for the afternoon and decided to "cacoon" for the day. So by the evening time I'm totally beating myself up because I'd been laying here all day long. I even let myself get a whole THREE hours of sleep for crying out loud after working all night. lol So what do the really sick who need rest do when they're miserable? What else but take their four kids, Joleen, her husband and their five kids to the roller rink for skate night for two hours!!!!!!!! I'M SUCH A FREAKING GLUTTON FOR PUNISHMENT!!!! I am my own worst enemy I swear! I just kept thinking "you can't be THAT bad. You'll feel better if you get out moving around.", etc. Well, NO. I DON'T FEEL BETTER NOW! In fact I feel worse. DUH! *rolling eyes*

So now I'm home. Feet up in the recliner contemplating going to the emergency room because I feel so bad. (you know it's bad if i'm willing to go to the e.r., let alone leave my house!) It's beyond feeling like crap... I am struggling! I decided to watch the Oprah that I dvr'd from today and Anderson Cooper from CNN was on there. There was a story of little one's that were dying in another country from the drought last year. My heart broke and I started to weep. Once again I got caught by the Holy Spirit wallowing in my self and my own story. You know what? Honestly, even if I got worse and worse (I know I'm over dramatizing here) and ended up dying, yes it would be sad. I by no means want that to happen. I have babies that need me. BUT if it did. I've lived a good life. I've been comfortable. AND I'm saved. I know Jesus. If I died tonight no one would have to wonder about where I am. And I've probably even made a difference in some lives here in America. But what about the children over there? And there's still so many people who need help here too! Oh my God (literally my heart is crying out to my God)... the suffering that these little ones are going through. And they are dying right in the middle of the newscast. I'm so sad. As a mother and as a human, my heart is sick.

As I was watching the story the mother and the nurse inside of me were commiserating. Oh Lord I just want to hold those babies. Scoop them up and comfort them. Their poor mothers. I can do something to help them. I know how to do everything those nurses and doctors are doing. I know what all of those tubes are. I know how to put them in. I HAVE THE KNOWLEDGE. AND THE HEART. And that's when I heard God say "EXACTLY! BINGO!" And suddenly all of the debate I've had going on in my head lately (and on my blog) came flooding back to me..... "DO I REALLY STILL WANT TO BE A NURSE? WHAT ABOUT THE EFFECTS IT WILL HAVE ON ME???? WHAT ABOUT IF IT MAKES ME SICK???" Wow. Lord, I am so sorry. Please forgive me for being so selfish. And I hope that every person that comes across these blogs would forgive me. More people will look at me than I will ever know. I never know who I am affecting and planting seeds with. We are all examples even when we don't know that we are. We ARE being watched and studied by people who might be searching for a way to be. No, I don't feel good. But my eyes, feelings and heart need to go past my own misery. I'm always praying. For myself, for others, for the president, my pastor, etc. But that is only part of the battle. TO WHOM IS GIVEN, MUCH IS REQUIRED. And that is a mantra that I plan on repeating frequently from now on. If I ever had a desire to get a tattoo (okay let me just say.... ewww! tattoos on girls are gross! lol) I think that's what it would say. So I need to find a good balance. I've always been on the quest for "balance". I've talked about it for as long as I can remember and I'm still working on it. Being too far on either end of the spectrum (in ANY situation in your life) is not good. And so I need to find the perfect balance to take care of myself AND take care of my mission. I can't do one without the other.

Seeing those little ones on t.v. renewed my mission. It "shook my jug" as I like to say. Do I feel the need to fly to Africa? No. Not really. But it did make me see ALL of my patients in a renewed way. Suffering in general. That has always been my calling... to help those that are suffering. To bring the love of Jesus and the healing of the Holy Spirit through MY HANDS to those that are suffering. Let me tell you, it's VERY easy to become jaded and calloused in the nursing profession. Seeing sickness and pain, death and dying every single day. It didn't take cleaning many dead bodies and putting them in body bags for me to stop weeping and grieving over every single one. It's just not possible to stay that vulnerable and be able to function. But again it's about BALANCE. I've found a space to exist where I'm compassionate and love every single patient but also not SO vulnerable. Lately I've gotten a little out of balance though. My lens became unfocused, especially with being sick frequently over the last several months. So it's time to change my lens. I need to sharpen up the focus. I've been reminded that not everyone can do this job.... I am a blessed, blessed person. I'm a nurse. I've been given the PRIVILEGE of taking care of people when they are at the absolute most open and vulnerable times in theire lives! Everyone always says to me "how could you be a nurse???? Yuck! How can you handle doing the things you have to do????" But it's a matter of focus. What's the focus of that picture? Blood, puke, dirty sheets, etc. What's the focus of MY picture? "Wash their feet." And also, think about it... if tonight something happened to you.... you were in an accident and broke both of your arms and suddenly you couldn't even wipe yourself.... how humiliated would you be everytime you had to ask for help? You would be embarrassed and humbled..... and someone would have to have the heart to see past what the physical task at hand is to your heart and be willing to say "yes I will help you." That's why you don't go to college to become a nurse...... God creates a nurse in you. It's a calling. And in order to take care of my calling in a more responsible way than I do now I need to take care of myself too. So if I seem missing in action sometimes please forgive me. I know that some of you are waiting for return messages from me, cards in the mail, etc. And I have to say.... please forgive me and be patient with me. I'm not well right now and I need to get back to "good" as quickly as possible so I'm going to rest. At least I'm going to try to. After all, He's still workin on me!


All warm and fuzzy

I've gotta tell you...I just can't get over how good life is lately! Of course with all the normal I-could-use-more-money-sleep-and-time stuff aside. Everything else is G-R-E-A-T. My kids have been SOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOD! lol I've been feeling pretty good. Aside from the mini-meltdown the other night, everything with Scott is FABULOUS. Randy and I are getting along. Last night (the first of three-in-a-row) work was AMAZING. Not even ONE call light of mine went off all night long!!! That's unheard of. I had only three patients and all of them were independent and could take care of themselves and slept like babies all night long. I actually had to crack their door open and stare at the blankets to make sure they were breathing a couple of times. lol Is this the calm before the storm? I sure hope not. I hope it lasts for a little while. But boy is it nice! I'm just happy. Plain and simple. And it's been so long since I could say that. :) It feels good.
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