I always liked that best

"Where do I start?"....so goes the song that I love so much..."I always liked that best." I listen to it over and over again at times and it always gives me the same romantic, feeling full of wonder. I get a soft gazing look on my face and a smile in my eyes. It makes me think of all the sweet, sweet moments I've had in my life and the many loves I've had. At least a part of them. A hand, a kiss, a sigh, a grope. Laying there with only the light from the tv while watching movies. Footrubs, watching him cook and drink wine, while I lay there carelessly and patiently then listen to him thumb on a guitar that he was never confident enough to play except for now...around me. And it's so lovely. 2 people so in love and so relaxed. Nothing in the whole world but us tonight. slip in the bathtub behind me and wash my hair for me while singing softly in my ears. laying by the pool relaxing under a towel. hearing talks of margarita's and hawaii...maybe some viva la mexico fun. He's standing in the middle of the street to meet me. He's tall. I'm so nervous. spring breeze blowing through a curtain made from a sheet over our naked bodies. He's more shy...i'm enjoying the breeze against my naked flesh. Seeing him open my car door for me, standing together in the snow in the middle of an empty field. Making eye contact in drug mart, sitting on stools in the Lava Lounge drunk out of our minds but talking about philosophy and Jesus, how I looked like Marissa Tomei and how handsome he was in his suit and coat. Slow dancing in the kitchen to van morrison, laying on the couch watching shows on metaphysics, aim'ing till the sun came up sending songs back and forth..."oh that was great, but that was even better". Sweet, unexpected texts through the day...and the night. Love you Lola....Love you too Pepe... drinking wine on the back deck while he so impeccibly sorts the strands of my hair out onto the foils to give me the perfect highlights. Gentle faces and easy laughs. knocking water off the nightstand and as it splashes me in the face hearing him laugh so easily about it. Things were easy. They were sweet. Sweet first kisses while listening to soft rock at 3a.m. unassuming back rubs while sitting a little too close...should i lift the shirt or shouldn't i? walking through the zoo in the quiet snow. making love quietly and slowly for three hours on an air mattress on the floor. not even enough time for a hello before he swooped me into his arms and planted one on my lips that had been waiting for that very moment for over 20 years. kisses, bodies pressed, groping, lustful whispers into each others ears, lips on necks...falling onto each other on the bed and then climbing off again because we shouldn't. Souls colliding into each other. These are all parts of my visual when I hear this song... memories as sweet as tupelo honey. They aren't separate now, but one. One large love bundle of a memory inside of me to hold onto forever and recall whenever the muse speaks and moves. It's all me. We all have our own bundle.....this one's mine....what does yours look like?


My new BFF

Let me introduce you to my new BFF. Her name is Chantix. That's right...Chantix. She has possibly saved my husband's life. She has made my home (and my man) smell sooooo much better. And the money she's saved me!!!

For those of you not familiar with this new drug....this is the new miracle-causing, wonder-drug in the quit-smoking arena. It supposedly has an AMAZINGLY high success rate...like three times higher than other things they offer. The problem is that it's normally very expensive (around $350.00 for the 12-week course) so we weren't holding our breath of ever trying it....but then our hospital decided to get on the smoking ban wagon and has banned any and all tobacco use on their property and/or on paid company time. People were furious, so to help out they started offering the 12-week course to any employee and their family members...so Scott jumped on it. He has smoked since he was about 15 years old...that's 20 years. That's a long time and so I was afraid of the fight that was coming....but alas, there has been nary a fight. It has been wonderful. Within a week he was down to about two cigs a day. Then after a few weeks it was one cigarette ever COUPLE of days. He'd take a hit and put it out claiming that it tasted nasty and he just couldn't do it. We're about ten weeks into it now and the other day I was afraid we had a set-back.

It was Sunday and we had a major fight. Pretty ugly. Details don't matter, but the jist of the story is this.... the kids and I left afterwards to drive to Columbus to pick Courtney up from Maribel. We, of course after the argument, left Scott at home...our official cooling off-so that we'll call each other saying "miss you babe", "no I miss you babe..." time. In the back of my mind I K-N-E-W that he would be thinking I was hours away and he was heading straight to the store to buy smokes. Well, after seven hours of driving I stumbled in at midnight...did the kiss & hug making up thing and as soon as he left the room I headed straight to all his normal hiding spots to check for contraband....and OF COURSE!!! There was a brand-new pack of Newports in his jacket pocket...he didn't even try to hide them which makes me believe in my heart of hearts that he wanted to be found out! :) So I immediately took the whole-kit-and-caboodle and hid them from him! Of course I expected within an hour or so to have another argument when he discovered that I had gaffled his stash....but guess what? It never came. That was Sunday night...it's now officially Wednesday and he's never even mentioned them! He's alot like me and sees pretty-much everything, so I know that he's undoubtedly noticed...but he hasn't said anything. That's so awesome. I think he's going to totally kick this habit in the butt. I'm so happy.....

I may have pouted because he's not a gift-buyer...there wasn't much for Christmas, birthday, valentines day, etc..... but if he keeps on this path it will be the biggest and best gift he could ever offer me....me, our kids....and especially himself. Thank you chantix...and thank you Scott for being my hero. You've been willing to stare the devil in the face and do one of the hardest things you'll ever do in your life. I am SO PROUD OF YOU and it's made me respect and love you more than ever. You rock. xoxoxoxo



"Mommy, I just lost ANOTHER tooth!" I heard Amelia shout from the back of the van.

"ANOTHER tooth??? You mean TWO???" I responded since just a few hours before on the same road trip she had already lost one.

"Yes!!! TWO!!! The tooth fairy has to come TWICE tonight!!!"

"You're gonna be rolling in the money lucky!" Maddie half-pouted. "I STILL haven't gotten money for my MOLAR that fell out yesterday!"

"It's only two teeth Maddie, it's not like I'm gonna be rich or anything! That's only like a DOLLAR."

"Yeah Maddie...how much do you think the tooth fairy actually pays these days???" I said.

"Yeah but she lost TWO of them in like FOUR HOURS!!!"

"What? Do you think she get a TIME BONUS or something???"

"Well, YEAH...and I should get more money too because it was MY FIRST MOLAR that fell out...I should get way more than normally since it was a molar and it was my first one!"

"Geez you little scheisters! I can't believe you're trying to bargain with the tooth fairy!!!"


This is it turning out right

Overall it's been a good week. True, I haven't felt very good and I've been battling (hard) with forming/not forming alot of resentment for what I feel is Scott stealing my vacation from me. This was supposed to be our makeshift honeymoon and the vacation that I've been waiting for since 1997....and NOTHING turned out the way I wanted or planned. I was so disappointed and sad but have been trying to deal with it without too much of a chip on my shoulder.

So now I'm sitting here knowing that this is my last "free" night before the kids start coming home and I'm dreading going back to "reality". I know that in less than 24 hours there will be kids fighting and arguing, laundry accruing, not enough sleep before work, on and on and on. But unlike the discontent that would've been brewing inside of me long ago, there's something else now. Something unfamiliar but sweet. This isn't loneliness. It's not wondering what's going to happen in my future and wondering where my life's going. No, now even when there are temporary set-backs or let-downs it's simply a tile coming off of the roof...not the whole roof coming in. Now it's not "everything's wrong"....this is it turning out right.


The Girl Who

There is a blog that I have been reading for a long, long time now...it's called "The Girl Who". Actually, the name changes occasionally...but to me that's what it will always be.

It's about a woman that grew up Mormon out west, got married and moved to Brooklyn. Her husband is a member of the band "Marah" and frequently has to leave to go on tour (and p.s... I LOVE the way her husband indulges her, like always helping to take her pictures, etc...most husbands would've given up on that and gotten bored long ago!). Alot of people hate this blog for the very reasons that I love it so much... she is so raw and candid. She can be raunchy, racy...even crude. She has an innapropriate flair about her most of the time and.... reminds me so much of myself. The me that is actually in my head that is. As "out there" as I've been in my blogs (even though I've reigned it in considerably...) I still always find myself so filtered. Always considering what others will think of me... always afraid to color outside the lines too much. But not her...well, maybe she does I don't know... but I do know that what she actually puts out there is pretty raw... and it reminds me that I'm not unusual...it inspires me to be more authentic... or as she once said (and I can't find the exact quote, so I'm paraphrasing here) "hanging out my dirty laundry, bloody crotch stains and all..." I know that alot of people I know would be totally turned off by her writing... but I get it.


Vacation!...kind of

This weekend I FINALLY get something resembling a vacation!!! We still aren't able to go on our official, wonderful, tropical honeymoon...but we ARE going somewhere. Courtney's in Indiana with Maribel, Darren is staying here with his dad and we're taking the girls to my mom's house on Saturday. We're coloring eggs that night, the next morning the Easter Bunny will come, we'll have Easter dinner early and then......... WE'RE OUT OF THERE BABY!!! WOOT WOOT!!! lol

I reserved a couple of nights in Amish country at some cabins they had for rent. Each one has a big stone fireplace, a jacuzzi and kitchenette. Peace. Quiet. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh. After that we're just playing it by ear and going where we want. And it really doesn't matter to me where...as long as I am responsiblity-free (or at least able to pretend I am) for the week. I want to pretend I have no bills, no arguments, no cleaning, no job........ you get the picture. And honestly, I think I'll be able to do this JUST FIIIIIIINE! My concern in with my husband. He SAYS he wants peace and quiet. He ACTS like he wants peace and quiet. The problem is how will he respond once he actually HAS peace and quiet? He's so hyperactive and A.D.D.-ish most of the time that he drives me crazy! God knows I love him! But sometimes I wish he could just chill out! So I really hope that this will be his opportunity...that it will be good for both of us. I just hope that after we've gotten settled, looked through all the cabinets, flipped all the switches to see what they do and how they work, used the jacuzzi, done-the-do and taken a nap that he's not sitting there going stir crazy for the next 36 hours because he's bored to death and itching for something to do. I know that will be the trigger for a downward spiral...because then I'll snap at him because he's driving me crazy and he'll snap back and then I'll spend my first "vacation" since 1997 arguing! *SIGH* I've been praying about it...and I'm having faith that it will turn out GREAT!!! :) This is going to be just the shot in the butt that we need. I can't wait, can't wait, can't wait! :)
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