No...you were never holding me up

This is something that I really needed to see lately.

I needed reminded in a bad way that He thinks I'm beautiful

and that he is constantly wanting to improve me

and chisel off the things that are not pleasing to him.

I give him so much trouble

and am so disobedient sometimes.

But that doesn't scare him away.

The line that got me hardest was when the guy says,

"But God I've let you down so much..."

and he says, "No, you were never holding me up."

It's so hard to remember that his love for me is boundless

and without condition.

He is so good to me.


Odd Google Searches

  • Pork Chop Concert
  • family spankings
  • holy cow pork chops
  • proms on i love you

C to the A to the Aliforniaaaaaa, yeahhhhh.....

Remember that singing problem of Madelaine's?

Well, for like the last week

since seeing this commercial for the first time,

we have all been totally teasing her about it

because this happy cow reminds us

SO MUCH of our sweet little singer.



Revisited: A love letter of memory from 4/19/06

Because you've been on my mind lately.......


"You moved like honey in my dream last night. Yeah, some old fires were burning.
You came near to me and you endeared to me. You’ll remember me like a melody
Yeah, I’ll haunt the world inside you. And my big secret - gonna win you over.
Slow like honey, heavy with mood. I’ll let you see me, I’ll covet your regard.
I’ll invade your demeanor. And you’ll yield to me like a scent in the breeze.
And you’ll wonder what it is about me. It’s my big secret - keeping you coming.
Slow like honey, heavy with mood."

I dreamed of the last time I had you. We made love so full of emotion we both cried. Your dark hair, my dark hair intertwined like our legs, arms and lips. Surrounded by candlelight you looked so beautiful and handsome. Your face...I always miss touching your face so much...and my love in the candlelight you were a vision to hold onto. I left you naked and sleeping and slipped away into the snow. I knew I'd never see you again.

I dreamed of the first time I had you. Fresh morning light. Ugly green flannel and nursing whites. The skin underneath of them knew before we did that this was bigger than the two of us. We were destined to collide....and collide we did. Tasting, kissing, loving for hours on end. It far surpassed your first fantasy of me: Full body press and passionate first kiss against the wall in the hallway leading to the gym. Little did we know the journey we were about to take.

I dreamed of the time I had you when commitment was new. A glorious night in Tremont and we were both very inebriated to say the least. You let it slip that you had slept with Kim once and it hurt my feelings so bad that I cried. Right there on the bar at Edisons. You helped me downstairs to the restroom and had such an empassioned kiss right there against the basement wall....you kissed away my tears and you vowed to me that you would never be with Kim again. That you were getting divorced and you swore it was over....and it was just you me and Hawaii baby. We went home and made love on your couch and then you sat behind me in the tub and shampooed my hair and bathed me....so romantic.

I've dreamed of you many times. Each time is just pure sweetness. I can never be with you again...but I love you. You are my friend...my lover. We made plans. We shared time. We shared our souls for a little while. Do you still have the bull behind you? :) I hope so. I hope always. No matter where you live or how old you get....always have the bull behind you babe.

I love inside stories and jokes. Secrets. I don't like that we have to be a secret now or ever. What we had was too big to be dumbed-down to fix into a little box for secrets. It was too special. Too beautiful. Too big. Let me cross your mind every now and then. Sit on the shores of love and just let it go. Think of my hands touching you. My breasts. Our lips. The smell of my Tresor...you always loved that scent. Every now and then.


The great lipgloss experiment

Tired of arguing with my girls about them touching my shit.

They say they don't,

I say they do.

To prove it,

I have placed one cheap,

unassuming tube of lipgloss

next to my sunglasses

in a bowl near the front door.

We will now see how long it lasts

before someone takes it.

Ready, set, go....


It's a love story, baby just say yes....

We did so much traveling this summer. Fly here, fly there. Drive here, drive there. Meet here, then meet there. Going to see different sites, spending time in different places for work. Because of this, we spent so much time in the car together and the soundtrack of the summer ended up being provided by Taylor Swift.

She's has always been a favorite of my girls, but this summer Maddie got her new cd and it played on a loop in our cd player all summer long, especially while we were driving. Somehow no one got sick of it until probably the last 20 miles of our last trip, which is kind of amazing considering how many times we listened to it. There were some catchy tunes, some sentimental tunes, and then there were tunes that made me learn something..... that I had an entire car full of Juliets.

As different as they all are, it turns out that these little beauties are all way too much like their mother in this way. They are all in love with the idea of being in love. Their hearts are already searching for their Romeos, even if they aren't fully aware of it yet.

As the words of this song poured out of the speakers, whatever they had been doing would come to a complete stop and they would all sing with all the passion in the world to "Love Story" and for just that moment there was a very obvious and vulnerable window into their hearts...and it was beautiful and scary at the same time. It makes me happy for the possibilities of their futures but also terrified for the almost definite heartache that will be headed their ways because of it.


Four years

I was just sitting at work talking and realized that yesterday was the anniversary of the day that my dad died. Not much to say about that except that I'm glad I can say he's in Heaven. Amen.


Emma quote of the day


several kids in the pool playing "Marco/Polo"

Emma *excited*: "LETS PLAY MARCO/POLO TWO!"

Another kid: "What's Marco/Polo two?"

Emma *looking offended*: "None of your business!!"

All other kids *standing still and looking confused*: *cricket, cricket*

One more box empty

I managed to get yet another box unpacked today. And it was one of the BIG ones! I know...go white girl, go white girl, go!

I need to begin working on the girls rooms and the hallway/office area. I have been pouring over my ikea catalog and marking every page that is wanting me to spend money. And although I admit that this is totally being filtered through an ambien haze, I still think that the kids must have plenty of things that we could repurpose to use for their room. Whether we have to beef it up to make it look cool again or put a new coat of paint on it, etc. I'm sure there's a bookshelf or something that can help us. So tomorrow we'll check into all of that.

I want us all to feel completely unpacked and settled so that we can feel peaceful in our home. I'll put some pictures over on Pork Chops sometime soon so that you can see the progress we've been making so far.

Check it out!


It's all up to me

That familiar weight pulling me down

like an anvil around my soul.

I see other people living their lives around me

completely oblivious to the war

that is going on within my heart this week.

"How are you?" they ask innocently.

"I'm fine, how are you?" I respond just as casually.

They have no clue that as soon as they look away,

the fake smile I had worn like a mask falls away.

The sparkle leaves my eyes and is replaced by a trace of tears.

This week is always hard for me.

Sometimes (most of the time) I think the people that know me best

either forget or could care less (because they think it's no big deal)

how much I struggle this particular week.

So as always, I pick myself up, take some deep breaths

and put my game face on.

It's my problem, why burden anyone else with it.

That's the story of my entire life.

Handle it yourself,

because when it really comes down to it,

no matter what people say to the contrary,

no one else really cares.

It's all up to me.

And I will handle it myself.

I hope.

Veronica's Crafts, etc.

My logo

Courtney at Maddie's 3rd bday party

Darren & Maddie at Maddie's 3rd bday party

Amelia coming into the world (Yes, I had a water birth). Look how tiny her little head is!
That's Courtney's head behind me watching her little sister take her first breath.

Here's baby girl and her fuzzy head a few days later.


My very first webpage was called

"Veronica's Crafts, etc."

I started it in the late 90's in an attempt to

help people find different cross-stitching/needlework pages.

I know, right? lol

Anyways, I had some pics of my family, etc. on there too.

I guess it was my early, subconscious attempt at a blog.

Well, I had forgotten all about it until recently and when

I went back, it was like a time capsule!

I haven't been there or signed in since January of 2001.

Amelia's birth announcement is still up

and there are still pictures of our family

that include the evil one. (blah)

It was actually awesome to see some of them and I smiled as I looked through it.

My babies were so little!

Then I started looking through the guestbook and found

some sweet comments people had made

years ago that I had never seen yet! Such as this:

"Hi Veronica-
I've been trying to contact you-but have failed. I wanted to know if you were still selling candles. I bought one from you on ebay and it was the best candle I've ever used. Please let me know!!!!!!!!!! Thanks!
-Jennifer :)

Aww! :)

I love hidden, surprise blessings.

Happiness is noisy!

Being worried about my kids' happiness has been a very real concern lately. I don't want to uproot them. That was never the goal. But you go where the work is. You go where the prying eyes (or harmful hands) of "the evil one" won't be able to get to them all-too-soon when he is out and roaming around seeking who he can hurt next. And you go where everyone will be happy, not just one or two people in the family.

Thing is, I knew they would be happy. Deep down I did, anyways. I knew before they knew, but the more they protested, the more I started to worry that I was wrong and that I'd made a horrible decision.

Then it happened.

They are all HAPPY!!!

Amelia even got in the car yesterday when I picked her up and shouted, "I LOVE school!!! I've never even liked school before and now I LOVE it!!!" My heart smiled. I have gotten reports like that back from all three of my little beauties and I knew that I had my a wise decision. I did good. More than that, God is good. He is taking care of us and the entire healing process. It is happening and we are all h.a.p.p.y.

This happiness comes with a small price though.... singing. Maddie has always been a loud little chatterbox, but she has taken it to a new level in the past few days. She is literally singing at the top of her lungs ALL. DAY. LONG. At first it was entertaining, now it's exhausting! First, yesterday I told her she needed to pipe down, so she decided to take it into the bathroom and sing during her shower. Well, the bathroom windows were open that lead to the stairs and sidewalk below and she said she could hear kids outside stop playing and say "what the heck is that??" during her serenade. lol

Then today, she went to the grocery store with Courtney and supposedly was dancing and singing through the aisles when Courtney said some guy stopped her and said, "I wish I had whatever SHE'S on!" Later in the evening? You guessed it...singing, singing, singing. She's partial to the new Miley Cyrus song about "there's a party in the USA..." well, the "yeah-yeah-yeah-eah" part that's in that song is one thing Maddie likes to repeat over. and over. and over. ad nauseum. So much so that I sent her a text message earlier saying, "Shut up already! Geez!" I could hear her singing stop and her response of "Wah! Mommy just told me to shut up!" She came out laughing and said, "why did you tell me to shut up? I've never heard a complaint from anyone else!"

So I sent Darren a text message that said, "Send Maddie a text and tell her to shut up because you can hear her singing all the way in northern Ohio." So he did. It got a similar response of, "Wah! He told me to shut up too!" She insists I put him up to it, I say I don't know what she's talking about. But it didn't work anyways, she's still just as giddy and loud as she's been.

I guess it's a tradeoff that I'm more than happy to take. I'll just have to find and unpack my earplugs.


My DVR right now

TV seasons have ended and new ones have begun.

This is what's on my DVR right now...

Gordon Ramsay's F Word

Making His Band

Miami Social

Flipping Out

How Clean Is Your House?

Cash In The Attic

The Hotel Inspector

Kitchen Nightmares

Dog The Bounty Hunter

Project Runway


Miami Social

**as you can tell, when there's not much on I always revert back to a BBC America obsession.**


Praying for Jessica....



Jessica has been a part of my life since before she was born.

Her mom & I struggled through the days of being in a strange place

far from home while our husbands were in the military.

We were both young & newly married

and we hit it off from the very first minute &

haven't stopped being friends since.

Jessica was sick as a baby...

I'll spare you all of the intimate details.

It all boils down to the fact that she had to have a shunt placed

to help drain the fluid from her brain.

And now, the shunt is malfunctioning and she is in a lot of pain.

She has to have surgery to replace it tomorrow.

Please pray for her.

She's Courtney's best friend

& just like another daughter to me.

We love you Jecca & are praying for you!!!

Get well quickly!!!


Jessica came through surgery

with flying colors.

They had to replace two parts of the shunt due to

malfunction, but everything is working

beautifully now.



Stressed but good...

This week has been all about trying to get settled,

TRYING being the operative word.

I've been in new employee orientation all week

The little ones love their new school.

Courtney enrolls in her new school tomorrow.

There are boxes everywhere,

my mattresses are still on the floor

and I haven't watched tv in over a week (I know, right?).

But life is good, God has taken care of us & we're all happy.

How can I ask for more than that?



Quick update...

YES! They got my background check back

and everything was good to go.

I started orientation yesterday,

so am now successfully bored out of my mind this week

as I hear about flex-accounts and 401k's and

how to use fire extinguishers.

Oh well, it's WONDERFUL problem to have! :)

Beyond that, I'm just tired. Still trying to get caught up on sleep,

trying to get some boxes unpacked little by little while still

paying attention to the kids.

Basically, I'm tired but good. :)

Thank you for all of your prayers and good wishes...




Friday Five

  1. Reunited and it feels so good. All of my little ducks are back in the nest now. Feels good. I missed them. And I've only had to b'gawk once about bad attitudes. THAT'S progress.
  2. Moving sucks as much now as it did a few months ago. Maybe I should have foregone the company housing and went straight to permanent so that I wouldn't have to do this again 2 months later. Can't wait till everything is unpacked and settled.
  3. Spent the evening with Allison & Heather last night while they got caught up on this seasons SYTYCD. I'm proud of Allison for trying to get caught up so early in the season! I mean, the finale is only tonight! That's progress for her! :)
  4. Amelia couldn't wait for her birthday tomorrow to open her gift. I missed her so much that I let her open it a day early. She's stoked with her new Nintendo DS...pictures to come on Pork Chops (maybe tomorrow?)
  5. Pray for my new job. They said if they don't get my background check by tomorrow afternoon that I won't be able to start until the next orientation...TWO WEEKS from now! GAH!! Not good for the bank account!


So. Tired.

Contract is done. Time to move.

Now that summer is over, it's time to move to a more permanent dwelling.

The apartment is technically much bigger, but the main living space seems smaller.

Oh well, we'll make the best of it.

I have no idea where I'm going to put all of my furniture,

but we'll live.

Tonight I had to move everything out of the company housing

all the way across town and lug it in BY MYSELF.

I know, right?

From the time I left the old apartment,

it took me three hours of lugging and hauling...


What I looked forward to most?

My new bathtub....


No rest for the weary, though.

Tomorrow morning, I have to rendezvous

with the whole fam.

My parents are driving the uhaul and I am driving the van with the girls.

Pray for our safety please!



And the rest, is her-story......

The words that can sum up my life lately? Reflection and introspection. Because of this I have a lot of thoughts on myself and who I am. What does it mean to be me? Who am I? Do I like who I am, or would I like to scrap the whole thing and start over? So bear with me friends, I'm not really standing in front of a mirror all of the time thinking how fabulous I am; this is just where I am right now.

What makes a person who they are? I always wondered if I just up and ran away, would I still be me? Or would I be able to become someone else? Someone entirely different. Would I be able to create some magnificent new life where I was a brand new character? Turns out, I'm still me. Very much me, and all that brings with it.

I'm still funny, intelligent, witty, (humble), creative, passionate and dramatic...well, I wouldn't say I am dramatic. Maybe diet drama...still sometimes reminds you of drama, but without all of the yucky full-on drama effects, and which leaves you with a distinct, addictive aftertaste.

Through this latest adventure in my story, I have learned even more fully that we don't create who we are, but that we are created. I'm not the writer of this movie, not even the director. I am merely the main character in the movie of my life and I am trying to play out the part to the best of my ability. I never decided to be the person that I am, I just am this person. I am shy and what some people have interpreted as "aloof" when around new people or in new situations and then slowly warm up, eventually becoming powerful and quite stong-personalitied. The celebrity I most strongly identify with is Anais Nin, the writer. I love pink but dress in black most often because I'm way too practical for my own good and know that black goes with anything and is typically classic and will last me forever. Plus, it's very flattering on me with my dark hair. I hate to let people down, which makes me dependable to a fault (usually). I am impulsive and don't like being tied down to plans. I hate the month of September because every important relationship that has ended has been in September. I love solitude and can sit in the quiet with my thoughts for days on end. I have a mouth like a sailor and used to apologize for it, but have learned that it's just a part of me...like my desire for carbs and I'm okay with that.

My mind and my conscience are bigger than myself and if I wrote all of the things I want to write or accomplished all of the things I want to accomplish, I would have to live a thousand years. My circadian rhythms are a mystery to everyone...even myself and I am a depth of secrets, so many of which I wish I could share, but don't have the courage to because I feel I will let so many people down. I am as tough on myself as I am on anyone else.

Everything that happens in my life I associate with a song; kind of like constantly figuring out the soundtrack of my life. I think most people I meet have a personality disorder; particularly bipolar. When I meet you, I usually have you diagnosed within minutes.

I never ask for permission to fly, permission to grieve, permission to be. I don't ask for someone to tell me how to heal. I don't need someone to kick me out of the shadows and into the sun. I can do all of these things on my own. I am doing all of these things on my own. I get it done. I use my big-girl words, get myself back up again and continue giving a million pieces of myself. I will not go gently into that good night, I will kick and scream and fight all the way there.

I plan and God laughs. Every time. Then I get humble and admit that I need God's help and I beg him to have mercy and rescue me. And then he does. And it all works out fine. Every time.

Turns out, I'm still me. Very much me, and all that brings with it. Turns out... I'm not half bad.

And the rest, is her-story......

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