And the rest, is her-story......

The words that can sum up my life lately? Reflection and introspection. Because of this I have a lot of thoughts on myself and who I am. What does it mean to be me? Who am I? Do I like who I am, or would I like to scrap the whole thing and start over? So bear with me friends, I'm not really standing in front of a mirror all of the time thinking how fabulous I am; this is just where I am right now.

What makes a person who they are? I always wondered if I just up and ran away, would I still be me? Or would I be able to become someone else? Someone entirely different. Would I be able to create some magnificent new life where I was a brand new character? Turns out, I'm still me. Very much me, and all that brings with it.

I'm still funny, intelligent, witty, (humble), creative, passionate and dramatic...well, I wouldn't say I am dramatic. Maybe diet drama...still sometimes reminds you of drama, but without all of the yucky full-on drama effects, and which leaves you with a distinct, addictive aftertaste.

Through this latest adventure in my story, I have learned even more fully that we don't create who we are, but that we are created. I'm not the writer of this movie, not even the director. I am merely the main character in the movie of my life and I am trying to play out the part to the best of my ability. I never decided to be the person that I am, I just am this person. I am shy and what some people have interpreted as "aloof" when around new people or in new situations and then slowly warm up, eventually becoming powerful and quite stong-personalitied. The celebrity I most strongly identify with is Anais Nin, the writer. I love pink but dress in black most often because I'm way too practical for my own good and know that black goes with anything and is typically classic and will last me forever. Plus, it's very flattering on me with my dark hair. I hate to let people down, which makes me dependable to a fault (usually). I am impulsive and don't like being tied down to plans. I hate the month of September because every important relationship that has ended has been in September. I love solitude and can sit in the quiet with my thoughts for days on end. I have a mouth like a sailor and used to apologize for it, but have learned that it's just a part of me...like my desire for carbs and I'm okay with that.

My mind and my conscience are bigger than myself and if I wrote all of the things I want to write or accomplished all of the things I want to accomplish, I would have to live a thousand years. My circadian rhythms are a mystery to everyone...even myself and I am a depth of secrets, so many of which I wish I could share, but don't have the courage to because I feel I will let so many people down. I am as tough on myself as I am on anyone else.

Everything that happens in my life I associate with a song; kind of like constantly figuring out the soundtrack of my life. I think most people I meet have a personality disorder; particularly bipolar. When I meet you, I usually have you diagnosed within minutes.

I never ask for permission to fly, permission to grieve, permission to be. I don't ask for someone to tell me how to heal. I don't need someone to kick me out of the shadows and into the sun. I can do all of these things on my own. I am doing all of these things on my own. I get it done. I use my big-girl words, get myself back up again and continue giving a million pieces of myself. I will not go gently into that good night, I will kick and scream and fight all the way there.

I plan and God laughs. Every time. Then I get humble and admit that I need God's help and I beg him to have mercy and rescue me. And then he does. And it all works out fine. Every time.

Turns out, I'm still me. Very much me, and all that brings with it. Turns out... I'm not half bad.

And the rest, is her-story......


Comments

Allison said…
Great blog and great thoughts. I always wondered what it would be like to up and move and "recreate" myself too. I think you are right though...we are who we are. We just have different scene changes.

And P.S.

Love this...

"I plan and God laughs. Every time. Then I get humble and admit that I need God's help and I beg him to have mercy and rescue me. And then he does. And it all works out fine. Every time."
I love carbs too and am hopelessly tied to them I think! Thanks for your inner thoughts. I think an escape to another place and perhaps another persona would be fun, but you're right we're still always ourselves. I think Escapes are healthy though, as long as you know that a return to reality is also equally healthy.