I'm tired yo!

I can't wake up! I have to work tonight and I am having the hardest time keeping my eyes open. My body is so tired. The weird thing is that I've slept forever! I went to bed around 1 or 1:30, got up at 7:45 for my job interview, went back to bed around 11 or so and just slept until 6:00! My poor kids haven't seen me all day. I'm praying I make it through tonight without too much trouble. Pray for me PLEASE!!!


My watering can needs water

I feel so melancholy lately, but especially today. I love my husband. I'm glad to be married to him. But this has been a particularly trying time with him lately. This last year of change and getting to know each other has definitely been a heavy one. I find myself struggling against thoughts of "what did I get myself into?" and also thinking about long lost loves. No, that's not true. It's the idea of other loves...not the loves themselves. Obviously, if those other people were all that great...they'd be here and not him right? Right.

I know Scott has been thinking these same things since I found some messages he was exchanging with a woman on myspace where he was barfing all over the place about how he feels he rushed into things too quickly and that he missed his old life. At least I'm saying these things here where it's somewhat anonymous. Not him. He could care less...no discretion. That's one of the things that I can't stand about him.

It's so easy to find things to hate about your "better half". After the newness of relationship goes away and the butterflies have gone dormant. When they stop being so cute and all you can see is them sitting there farting, and eating with their mouth open, and cackling like scooby-doo at the dumbest of jokes on tv. The snoring, the little white lies, the fact that they don't always wash their hands after they go to the bathroom. The gaze of adoration soon turns to a stare of contempt and you wonder what the heck you're doing here. I actually made a list the other day and I do feel better since I got it out of my mind. Now it's out there and not in here, if you know what I mean. Then as soon as I start to feel better about things, something else happens to bring these feelings right back. I feel that I can't trust him as far as I can spit...and that isn't very far. I feel that I have to question everything that he says to me. Etc., etc. It's like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. He's done some pretty crappy things so far... when is he going to do them again? When is he going to do something alot worse? Thoughts of others who have gone before...and of happier times...keep filling my mind. Surely they wouldn't hurt me like this. They would love me and treat me right. They would be attracted to me and want to make love to me. Then thoughts of karma start to swirl in my mind. Am I reaping or sowing right now? Lord knows my life hasn't been perfect. I have lots to reap I'm sure. I just hope it's swift and quick justice. I want to be happy. Peaceful.

I know it's inevitable that our spouses will do things over the years to hurt us...they're only human. Yeah, I know. I also know that the grass isn't any greener on the other side of the fence. The grass is greenest where it is watered. So I have my watering can out and am ready to do my gardening....but it needs refilled.


Lazy afternoon

Come mess up my bed with me. Kick off the covers, throw the pillows on the floor. Let's make memories that will last until morning...if not forever. Leave your taste on my tongue. Excite me. Take interest in me. Be happy to be here. Be happy to know me. The world can wait. Don't leave your heart, just leave your mark on me so I can find you when you're far away. You don't have to wonder what' on my mind...it's you.
*inspired by some songs I just heard


So many love the summer, but I have to admit that although I'm glad not to be having the snow and cold....I'm not all that crazy about summertime. Not just because it's so hot and uncomfortable....I live from air conditioned space to air conditioned space... but because to me it's a time of change. And I haaaaate change. I know change is inevitable...blah blah blah. I still hate it. I don't like surprises. I like security. I crave the familiar and I want to know what to expect. This makes me sound kind of like the Rainman doesn't it? lol "Kmart, definitely Kmart..." Although it would be Target or Walmart in my case!

This week all of my tv shows ended for the summer. Kids have less than two weeks of school left then they're out. Which means..... that in two weeks Courtney leaves for the summer. :( Then a month later Maddie and Emma leave for several weeks at my parents. Don't get me wrong though!!! While I LOVE having some grown-up time, it's really strange to sit in this house alone and wonder where my kids are and what they're doing and if they're ok, etc. It's a little bit tough to go through.

In other words, this week was the beginning of the total upheaval of my life. For me, the only thing great about the summer is being able to sleep in and THE FLIP FLOPS!!! :) I know I'll be fine...I always am...but I can't wait for fall!!! Fall brings back my stability and predictability....just the way I like it.



I never got it before, but lately I do.... I'm lovin the youtube! Some of them are truly stupid, but some of them are stupidly awesome. lol Like this one...I DARE you not to laugh out loud.


My little women

As life sputters back to a slow but somewhat peaceful start again I've become grateful for the little pleasures. I used to take those for granted...I didn't realize I was taking them for granted at the time, but I guess I was. It first hit me that I might not have been paying full attention to the little things when Madelaine came into my room yesterday to tell me that she was ready for her school concert and it hit me how grown up she was getting. She was beautiful. I saw her with whole new eyes. Usually she's my little tom-boy dressed in her shin-guards and cleats, hair in a ponytail, etc. But tonight she had a solo in her concert and Courtney had done her hair because she wanted to be the pretty one.....and boy was she. I snapped this quick picture with my phone (which takes crap pictures) and it in no way does her justice, but I just wanted to share with you all one of the little things in my world right now...... one of my little girls is becoming one of my little women. I guess that's not so small after all, is it?


I've been tagged

I was tagged for one of those "seven random things about you" memes. And since my aim is and has always been to honestly reflect who I am and not who I would like to be or even who I should be, here goes....

1. I just counted 17 bottles of misc. shampoos and body washes in my shower! I used to throw the almost-gone ones away when i got new ones and would find them pulled out of the trash and back in the shower (!!!??? I know, right??) So then I would put the new ones in the closet until the almost-gone ones were totoally gone and people wouldn't have that either. They'd put the new ones in there and start using those and leave the old ones there too. I got tired of fighting with people and just started letting it happen and now it's totally out of control.

2. I'm already eye-balling a sweet set of dentures and I'm only 34! After my most recent bout with the dentist I'm so fed up. I could've given myself and all four of my children ivy-league educations with the amount already invested in my mouth combined with what I still have to have done!

3. I inherited a really dumb "thing" about red drinks from Joleen (she's the one who put the obsession in my head all those years ago!) As I'm drinking anything red I'm dreading what that dye what must be doing to my insides....I know...dumb. lol

4. I have only one TRUE phobia.... WHALES (and the deep, dark water that goes with them). I know I've mentioned this before, but it's weird enough that it's worth mentioning again! lol They FREAK ME OUT!!! Today I had a dream (for the first time since I was little!) of being submerged in this deep dark water and panicking. Not cool.

5. Although it's not a phobia, I have a sincere and deep dislike of all paper, paper products and the very wood they came from! Insane...I own it and I know. lol Although if it's shiny paper or wood that's been shelacked it's all good. lol (welcome to my world! lol)

6. I can be such a sarcastic smart-a**...how did I marry someone who takes things so personally????

7. I just "sleepy-shopped" a Time-life "the best of soft rock" cd collection at 4:00 in the morning! I guess I'll remember this moment in about 2 weeks when it shows up! lol



Extrordinary machine

Today I can finally say for the first time in a little while that I'm doing pretty good. *exhale!* The last week or so has been B-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-D!!!! In every area I was taking fire....which actually is nothing new since I seem to be a universal flystrip (lol)...and all you "the secret" lovers just save it please! I'm working on the positivity thing, really I am, but whether I attracted this crap or not, it is what it is, and it's still aimed my way most days unfortunately.

ANYWAYS, I honestly didn't think I'd still be married this week believe it or not. YES, IT WAS THAT BAD. I'm not sharing details, lets just suffice it to say that it was UGLY. So ugly that I had all of his clothes in a pile in the middle of the floor and he had made a call for one of his friends to come get him. I didn't even care about a divorce and all that meant at that point in time! Actually, I was thinking annullment...claiming fraud on his butt! As in "when we got married you promised not to act like a jerk-off" type of fraud! lol (I can laugh about this now...)

It's taken several days for things to calm down and start moving forward. Heck, it's taken several days for me to stop saying it's 100% HIS fault! Well, no...I'm still not there. IT IS 100% his fault...at least the start of it. I'll probably never change that. IT IS IS IS IS IS his fault! But my reaction was 100% my fault. What I did learn this week was that I don't react to certain stimuli any different than I did 10 years ago. So if I don't do things any differently, then how have I grown??? I have grown haven't I? Of course I have...I'm the QUEEN of self-analysis and wanting to grow and change and learn and evolve. So is it all just in my head? No...actually I don't think it is. I know I have grown...in certain areas. But God sure did show me that in some areas I haven't. Not AT ALL.

One thing that I learned is that when I am provoked, feel attacked or feel insulted I get M-E-A-N. Oooooooh girrrrl. I'm not even playing. MEAN. Scott wants me to share in the "fault" of this weeks fiasco because he says "you can HANG! you're as hard as any man I've ever met...you have a mouth and you know how to use it...especially when you feel something has wounded your ego." ouch. But yeah, he's right. He may have started it. He may have been 100% in the wrong and I had done nothing wrong, but it didn't stay that way for long. I bit back hard if not harder and made him one sorry man for ever messing with me! Not cool. I never would've thought I still had that in me....but I guess I do.

So now what? It's time now for healing. Time heals all things...if you do the right things during that time...if not then it heals NOTHING. So it's back to prayer time, self-reflection, apologizing (man that's a big pill to swallow...especially when you feel like the "right" one!!!), and loving kindness. Just retiring to our corners and resting. Licking our wounds. Man, he said some wicked-mean things this week! The sting is still there and the words keep playing on a loop in my mind. But honestly, the things I said to him were probably worse. And there were alot more of them. Once I went into attack mode, I probably spit out five negatives to every one of his. I made sure he was going to regret messing with me. Yay. I succeeded. What did I win? Not a damn thing. More battle wounds and less intimacy in my marriage? Yay for me. What an unfortunate mess.

Like I said, things are getting a little better...actually alot better now. So even if I can't say the words out loud quite yet, I'll say them on here (ok, so I'll admit it's partially because I know that he hardly EVER reads my blogs...so he probably won't see it anyways! my bad!) .....

i'm sorry.
There, I said it. Although I'm not feeling it enough yet to even capitilize the "i".....at least I said it. It's a start. I know that this will all be used to make me a better person. After all, I am an extrordinary machine! ;)

"Extraordinary Machine"

I certainly haven't been shopping for any new shoes
I certainly haven't been spreading myself around
I still only travel by foot and by foot, it's a slow climb,
But I'm good at being uncomfortable, so
I can't stop changing all the time

I notice that my opponent is always on the go
Won't go slow, so's not to focus, and I notice
He'll hitch a ride with any guide, as long as
They go fast from whence he came
- But he's no good at being uncomfortable, so
He can't stop staying exactly the same

If there was a better way to go then it would find me
I can't help it, the road just rolls out behind me
Be kind to me, or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine

I seem to you to seek a new disaster every day
You deem me due to clean my view and be at peace and lay
I mean to prove I mean to move in my own way, and say,
I've been getting along for long before you came into the play

I am the baby of the family, it happens, so
- Everybody cares and wears the sheeps' clothes
While they chaperone
Curious, you looking down your nose at me, while you appease
- Courteous, to try and help - but let me set your
Mind at ease


-Do I so worry you, you need to hurry to my side?
-It's very kind
But it's to no avail; I don't want the bail
I promise you, everything will be just fine

If there was a better way to go then it would find me
I can't help it, the road just rolls out behind me
Be kind to me, or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine


Split loyalties

I wrote a blog a little while ago talking about what a nice, peaceful, lazy day we were having and wishing Scott a happy birthday. I just deleted it. This is what happened.

I was laying in bed watching a movie and had just started to doze off when I was startled awake by the sound of my son doing something BLATANTLY disrespectful to my husband. The next thing I know Scott is screaming like a crazy man at Darren and GOING OFF. So I bound out of bed and head towards the living room, just then the-idiot-who's-back-from-Vegas exit's his room heading the same direction. The whole time I'm walking Scott continues to scream and yell and Darren is screaming just as loudly back at him. Then the set of computer speakers that Scott was holding the whole time went flying across the room and the other one was smashed into the floor. Randy starts screaming at him. He starts screaming even louder (if that's possible) back at Randy about how sick he is of him and his lack of responsibility, how he doesn't pay his bills and is just a leach, etc. Meanwhile Darren is STILL screaming and making fun of Scott and being disrespectful. Randy replies to Scott "you don't need to be mentioning this stuff in front of the kids...I wasn't going to talk about this in front of the kids!" So then I jumped in and said "EXCUSE ME??? YOU dont' talk about this stuff in front of the kids??? Since when???" Randy then calmed down and changed the subject back to Darren and told him to "calm down baby" to which Darren replied "Dad I just can't take them anymore *sniff*" to which I replied "THEN WHY DO YOU INSTIGATE THIS BULLSH** EVERY CHANCE YOU GET???" , meanwhile Scott is still screaming every time he puts two words in. It gets even better....all of my other kids were sitting there watching this...PLUS a little neighbor girl.

I'm so mad at Darren for starting this crap AGAIN. I'm even madder at Scott for giving in and acting like a damn idiot. He's the adult and should know better. I start to think that I certainly have no place to be judgemental considering all of the times I've lost my temper with that kid, but then I think that's just too bad! I'M THE MOTHER!! It's kind of like black people can say the "n-word", but a white person better not touch it with a ten-foot pole, or a woman can use "bitch", but a man better not. That's MY kid and I've had 14 years of struggles with him...I know him. There's at least a LITTLE BIT of a trust factor there. You've been here for a year and you're their mother's husband....YOU DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO DO THAT. EVER. I'm disappointed with Randy for the five million reasons I've listed on this blog in the past and because even today he just stood there letting Darren do what he wanted and didn't discipline him whatsoever. And still hasn't. Sorry excuse for a dad. I can't believe Scott acted that way. And while he was screaming at Darren one of the things he screamed was "AND YOU'RE ONE OF THE REASONS THAT I REALLY REGRET BEING HERE!!" He actually mentioned regretting being here THREE times. And I know that as much as it's bothering me I'm not going to be able to let it go. I also know that he's then going to push me about "what's wrong?" until I tell him and then I also know that in typical Scott fashion he's going to totally deny ever saying it (even though he was just screaming at Darren about taking responsibility for what you do and say).

As Scott was yelling at Darren part of me was dying inside seeing my son being attacked that way. The look on his face at times was pure hurt. He couldn't believe someone was coming at him that way. I wanted to jump to his defense just like any of my other kids and protect him....but the other part of me KNEW THAT HE BROUGHT IT ALL ON HIMSELF. He instigates and pushes and pushes and pushes. He made fun of Scott and actually grabbed and shook his crotch at Scott! If I acted EVEN ONE TIME towards my parents the way that Darren acts ALL THE TIME I would be in a shallow grave somewhere!

I've been trying to work on my positive thinking, etc. lately and have been doing pretty good...but today needless to say I'm having a bit of a set-back. I've looked this demon in the eyes too many times. I hate this dramatic, irrational, unhealthy bullcrap. I don't want it in my home OR in my relationships.

Rewind six hours.......

After an amazing church service where God was definitely moving my cup was totally filled. Scott and I sat there after the service was over and prayed together. Prayed over everything in our lives...including when and where to confront Randy and that God would help us to handle it appropriately. We were feeling and doing great. We went out to lunch for his birthday. I bought him a birthday cake and Amelia picked out two "number candles" to make "36". We planned on eating cake after dinner.

It's still sitting there untouched.


When will she ever learn?

Everyone knows the trouble that we had with Courtney a few months ago and I was hoping we were over the "hump". She's actually been very, very good lately and has earned back most, if not all of her priveleges. She went to Indianapolis for spring break, got her cell phone back, goes to friends houses, got her myspace page back, etc. I EVEN LET HER HAVE A BOYFRIEND (that she doesn't really see, but does talk to). I THINK I'M DOING PRETTY DARNED GOOD HERE.

WELLLLLL....... the trouble started when I looked at our cell bill online the other day and noted that Courtney has already used THE ENTIRE FAMILIES MINUTES in ONE WEEK. So now the whole family has to be limited on their daytime use of our phones if we don't want to pay a fortune. So I got on her case about that and started taking her phone from her as soon as she got home from school and wouldn't give it back to her until 9pm when free minutes kicked in. She wasn't happy about it, but she went along with it. So today I decided to do a sneak attack on her and snuck up on her room, knocked, opened the door and snatched the phone without any warning so that she couldn't delete anything before giving it to me like she normally does (she thinks I'm stupid).

The first thing I did was look in her pictures and noticed two pictures...one of her friend, one of herself...in front of the cannon in our park downtown. I was thinking "when in the heck was she in the park??? She does not go near that park to get to where i pick her up." So I look at the properties.....and it says: May 1 t 10:11 a.m. EXCUSE ME???? Isn't that on a TUESDAY during SCHOOL HOURS???? HMMMMM.... So I confront her about it and OF COURSE what does she say? "That's not true! I don't skip school! It must be WRONG!!! It doesn't record the correct times for pictures!!!"

So as she's talking I turn on the camera and snap a picture of the wall beside her and turn to the properties... "Wow Courtney, that's funny...it's accurate with the picture that I TOOK!" So as usual she's denying up a storm and then I find ANOTHER picture...this one saying today's date at around 11:30 a.m. But she didn't take THAT one either she says....Trisha had her phone! (Trisha who has HER OWN phone) Right. And it keeps getting better...stick with me here. She interrupts my rant to say "you're gonna come across some bathing suit pictures on there...I'm just warning you because you're probably going to be mad."

*cricket, cricket*

Then the silence ends with "what???? ARE YOU F****ING KIDDING ME?????" B'GAWK!!! Yeah, I freaked out on her. She's already gotten in so much trouble in the past for taking inappropriate pics of herself and now she's doing it again??? Why??? You think you're gonna send them to your new boyfriend??? Oh hell no!!! Of course her comeback was "no one has seen them! I only took them to see how I really looked in my new bathing suit...an extra pair of eyes...." Whatever player! (yes, back to the she thinks I'm stupid thing). So I start scrolling through the pics and before I even get to the bathing suit business I come across ones of her with her shorts rolled WAY down and dressed all stank. I said "what? you needed to see how your shorts fit too? with them unzipped and rolled way down like a hooch?" So she starts running her mouth to me and I remind her that if she is picking this specific moment in time to start challenging me and running her mouth to me it would be one of the dumbest moments she's had in a LONG time." She turns and storms out of my room running her mouth about how unfair it is and how she's done nothing wrong and then tells me that she "might as well skip because she's getting blamed for it anyways!" Whatever, you'd better get ON Felicia! So her phone is GONE...it's mine now. She's also grounded. She's lost her digital camera. Who knows what else will happen but for tonight that's where it stands.

I mean come on! I know that as far as kids go she's a pretty good kid, but that's just not good enough! She still has the potential to ruin her life and I'm not going to sit by and watch her do it with my hands folded in my lap singing "happy happy joy joy". Keep praying for her please...AND FOR ME!!! ugggh


Happy dating anniversary to my wonderful husband

Tonight is the one-year anniversary of the night that I found Scott. I wanted to celebrate the wonderfulness that is him by dedicating a blog to that night and then that journey.....

Apr 30, 2006 11:51 PM :

Hi, Did you ever go to Elyria High School? Because you look like a Scott that I went out with for a little bit...long ago. :) If you're him drop me a line... I'd love to get caught up and say hello. ~Veronica ~


scott: hey ,,,,its me ,,,i missed u up in the hospital when my dad was there they told me that they talked to u wow it has been a long time ,,how are u ,,,what have u been up to ,,,im in a little rush here right now just checking my mail ,,,but if u would like to chat some time ,,,my yahoo is( thinking_bad_things@yahoo.com)im invisable half of the time so just try to im me ,,,,


V: Wow, it's so great to hear from you!!! :) I've thought about you so often over the years and tried a couple of times to look for you on here but never had any success. I knew the instant I saw your picture the other day. :) Yeah, I remember taking care of your dad several years ago. I asked him about his last name and you and he said "Yep, that's my son!" I almost fell over! :) My yahoo name is nursiev . I work nights 3 times a week and sleep most days but other than that I'm almost always signed in. I can't wait to talk to you. :)


Scott: i hope u have a good night at work ,,,really miss chatting with u ,,want to get back to it bad lol


Scott: im so sorry about not being around the past few days ,,i have been trying hard to get things for my new place ,,and get everything together ,,,all i have been thinking of while im doing all of this is i cant wait to see u and have things set up and readdy for when u come here,,,i miss u very very much


Scott's blog: June 4, 2006: u know its so funny over the years thinking of others that u have spent time with and how u really feel about them ,,,,but u really dont know till they are gone ,,,in my case now it isnt a break up but the feeling i have for this woman when i know the seconds are ticking down, i hurt ,,,i use to have the same feelings when i was 16 and i use to get in so much trouble just to spend time with her ,,,now we are older and i keep on thinking about who i hurt because i never opened myself up to anyone or trusted them ,,,that wall we all have when we meet someone ,,in this case though the wall isnt there and god love hurts so bad ,,she left to go home on a 200 mile trip an hour ago and i feel so out of place ,,,my new home feels so empty ,,life feels gone ,,,all i can think about is being in her grace again,,,to know the words we speak to each other are the truth and that i know who she is ,,,makes this so hard to be away from her ,,,i love u veronica


Scott's blog: it has been a few hours now i started to fall a sleep and woke up to not finding her ,,,how odd is that,,my god we spend a few moments with each other and i feel like she belongs with me so much im ready to cry when i cant touch her,,,how am i going to last a month without her


Scott's comment on v's myspace: June 25th:

It's amazing how I feel when I'm around you, How my heart pounds when you come into a room. I look at you and think: My God! How lovely! And everything I am bursts into bloom. I feel as though you must, you must be mine, Not as a possession but a goal, Something almost unimaginable: The free devotion of another soul. As though I were about to enter heaven Or just within the hour condemned to die, My mind with one fierce thought keeps running over, With you, and only you, the reason why.


8/25/2006 2:25 AM:

The curve of your hips Is stuck in my mind The taste of your lips So sweet that I find Myself lost in the thought Of our next embrace I see now I'm caught Without even a chase I love your dark eyes, And your curly hair, I love your smile, And the way that you care. I love your deep kisses, I love your soft touch, I love you, I love you, I love you so much. scott


Oct 30, 2006 9:00 AM: cant wait to be wearing my ring and calling u wife


And the rest is history......... xoxoxoxoxo
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