5.16.2007

Extrordinary machine


Today I can finally say for the first time in a little while that I'm doing pretty good. *exhale!* The last week or so has been B-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-D!!!! In every area I was taking fire....which actually is nothing new since I seem to be a universal flystrip (lol)...and all you "the secret" lovers just save it please! I'm working on the positivity thing, really I am, but whether I attracted this crap or not, it is what it is, and it's still aimed my way most days unfortunately.

ANYWAYS, I honestly didn't think I'd still be married this week believe it or not. YES, IT WAS THAT BAD. I'm not sharing details, lets just suffice it to say that it was UGLY. So ugly that I had all of his clothes in a pile in the middle of the floor and he had made a call for one of his friends to come get him. I didn't even care about a divorce and all that meant at that point in time! Actually, I was thinking annullment...claiming fraud on his butt! As in "when we got married you promised not to act like a jerk-off" type of fraud! lol (I can laugh about this now...)

It's taken several days for things to calm down and start moving forward. Heck, it's taken several days for me to stop saying it's 100% HIS fault! Well, no...I'm still not there. IT IS 100% his fault...at least the start of it. I'll probably never change that. IT IS IS IS IS IS his fault! But my reaction was 100% my fault. What I did learn this week was that I don't react to certain stimuli any different than I did 10 years ago. So if I don't do things any differently, then how have I grown??? I have grown haven't I? Of course I have...I'm the QUEEN of self-analysis and wanting to grow and change and learn and evolve. So is it all just in my head? No...actually I don't think it is. I know I have grown...in certain areas. But God sure did show me that in some areas I haven't. Not AT ALL.

One thing that I learned is that when I am provoked, feel attacked or feel insulted I get M-E-A-N. Oooooooh girrrrl. I'm not even playing. MEAN. Scott wants me to share in the "fault" of this weeks fiasco because he says "you can HANG! you're as hard as any man I've ever met...you have a mouth and you know how to use it...especially when you feel something has wounded your ego." ouch. But yeah, he's right. He may have started it. He may have been 100% in the wrong and I had done nothing wrong, but it didn't stay that way for long. I bit back hard if not harder and made him one sorry man for ever messing with me! Not cool. I never would've thought I still had that in me....but I guess I do.

So now what? It's time now for healing. Time heals all things...if you do the right things during that time...if not then it heals NOTHING. So it's back to prayer time, self-reflection, apologizing (man that's a big pill to swallow...especially when you feel like the "right" one!!!), and loving kindness. Just retiring to our corners and resting. Licking our wounds. Man, he said some wicked-mean things this week! The sting is still there and the words keep playing on a loop in my mind. But honestly, the things I said to him were probably worse. And there were alot more of them. Once I went into attack mode, I probably spit out five negatives to every one of his. I made sure he was going to regret messing with me. Yay. I succeeded. What did I win? Not a damn thing. More battle wounds and less intimacy in my marriage? Yay for me. What an unfortunate mess.

Like I said, things are getting a little better...actually alot better now. So even if I can't say the words out loud quite yet, I'll say them on here (ok, so I'll admit it's partially because I know that he hardly EVER reads my blogs...so he probably won't see it anyways! my bad!) .....

i'm sorry.
There, I said it. Although I'm not feeling it enough yet to even capitilize the "i".....at least I said it. It's a start. I know that this will all be used to make me a better person. After all, I am an extrordinary machine! ;)


"Extraordinary Machine"

I certainly haven't been shopping for any new shoes
-And-
I certainly haven't been spreading myself around
I still only travel by foot and by foot, it's a slow climb,
But I'm good at being uncomfortable, so
I can't stop changing all the time

I notice that my opponent is always on the go
-And-
Won't go slow, so's not to focus, and I notice
He'll hitch a ride with any guide, as long as
They go fast from whence he came
- But he's no good at being uncomfortable, so
He can't stop staying exactly the same

If there was a better way to go then it would find me
I can't help it, the road just rolls out behind me
Be kind to me, or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine

I seem to you to seek a new disaster every day
You deem me due to clean my view and be at peace and lay
I mean to prove I mean to move in my own way, and say,
I've been getting along for long before you came into the play

I am the baby of the family, it happens, so
- Everybody cares and wears the sheeps' clothes
While they chaperone
Curious, you looking down your nose at me, while you appease
- Courteous, to try and help - but let me set your
Mind at ease

(Chorus)

-Do I so worry you, you need to hurry to my side?
-It's very kind
But it's to no avail; I don't want the bail
I promise you, everything will be just fine

If there was a better way to go then it would find me
I can't help it, the road just rolls out behind me
Be kind to me, or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine

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