Split loyalties

I wrote a blog a little while ago talking about what a nice, peaceful, lazy day we were having and wishing Scott a happy birthday. I just deleted it. This is what happened.

I was laying in bed watching a movie and had just started to doze off when I was startled awake by the sound of my son doing something BLATANTLY disrespectful to my husband. The next thing I know Scott is screaming like a crazy man at Darren and GOING OFF. So I bound out of bed and head towards the living room, just then the-idiot-who's-back-from-Vegas exit's his room heading the same direction. The whole time I'm walking Scott continues to scream and yell and Darren is screaming just as loudly back at him. Then the set of computer speakers that Scott was holding the whole time went flying across the room and the other one was smashed into the floor. Randy starts screaming at him. He starts screaming even louder (if that's possible) back at Randy about how sick he is of him and his lack of responsibility, how he doesn't pay his bills and is just a leach, etc. Meanwhile Darren is STILL screaming and making fun of Scott and being disrespectful. Randy replies to Scott "you don't need to be mentioning this stuff in front of the kids...I wasn't going to talk about this in front of the kids!" So then I jumped in and said "EXCUSE ME??? YOU dont' talk about this stuff in front of the kids??? Since when???" Randy then calmed down and changed the subject back to Darren and told him to "calm down baby" to which Darren replied "Dad I just can't take them anymore *sniff*" to which I replied "THEN WHY DO YOU INSTIGATE THIS BULLSH** EVERY CHANCE YOU GET???" , meanwhile Scott is still screaming every time he puts two words in. It gets even better....all of my other kids were sitting there watching this...PLUS a little neighbor girl.

I'm so mad at Darren for starting this crap AGAIN. I'm even madder at Scott for giving in and acting like a damn idiot. He's the adult and should know better. I start to think that I certainly have no place to be judgemental considering all of the times I've lost my temper with that kid, but then I think that's just too bad! I'M THE MOTHER!! It's kind of like black people can say the "n-word", but a white person better not touch it with a ten-foot pole, or a woman can use "bitch", but a man better not. That's MY kid and I've had 14 years of struggles with him...I know him. There's at least a LITTLE BIT of a trust factor there. You've been here for a year and you're their mother's husband....YOU DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO DO THAT. EVER. I'm disappointed with Randy for the five million reasons I've listed on this blog in the past and because even today he just stood there letting Darren do what he wanted and didn't discipline him whatsoever. And still hasn't. Sorry excuse for a dad. I can't believe Scott acted that way. And while he was screaming at Darren one of the things he screamed was "AND YOU'RE ONE OF THE REASONS THAT I REALLY REGRET BEING HERE!!" He actually mentioned regretting being here THREE times. And I know that as much as it's bothering me I'm not going to be able to let it go. I also know that he's then going to push me about "what's wrong?" until I tell him and then I also know that in typical Scott fashion he's going to totally deny ever saying it (even though he was just screaming at Darren about taking responsibility for what you do and say).

As Scott was yelling at Darren part of me was dying inside seeing my son being attacked that way. The look on his face at times was pure hurt. He couldn't believe someone was coming at him that way. I wanted to jump to his defense just like any of my other kids and protect him....but the other part of me KNEW THAT HE BROUGHT IT ALL ON HIMSELF. He instigates and pushes and pushes and pushes. He made fun of Scott and actually grabbed and shook his crotch at Scott! If I acted EVEN ONE TIME towards my parents the way that Darren acts ALL THE TIME I would be in a shallow grave somewhere!

I've been trying to work on my positive thinking, etc. lately and have been doing pretty good...but today needless to say I'm having a bit of a set-back. I've looked this demon in the eyes too many times. I hate this dramatic, irrational, unhealthy bullcrap. I don't want it in my home OR in my relationships.

Rewind six hours.......

After an amazing church service where God was definitely moving my cup was totally filled. Scott and I sat there after the service was over and prayed together. Prayed over everything in our lives...including when and where to confront Randy and that God would help us to handle it appropriately. We were feeling and doing great. We went out to lunch for his birthday. I bought him a birthday cake and Amelia picked out two "number candles" to make "36". We planned on eating cake after dinner.

It's still sitting there untouched.