8.16.2017

Holding Space...

 

Sometimes I wonder if you will ever come. I have been looking for you for more of my life than I haven't been. I've thought perhaps I found you a few times, but quickly realized I was wrong. 

A few have come close. One was pretty spot-on. He was everything. Everything but mine that is. 

So I keep on. I'm no longer looking though. I'm not searching. I just am. I am content. Alone, quiet, evolving, awakening. 

Sometimes I am more content than others. Sometimes I am lonely and wonder what I am doing waiting around for some hypothetical dream of a man. It would be so easy to settle. I left another  perfectly beautiful man so I can wait alone. 

He was beautiful but not beautifully made for me. He could be mine though. He was mine for many years.  Just this week he told me, "I don't believe we are better apart," making it clear that he is still mine if I only ask. 

It would be safe and comfortable.  Yet, I know there is more.  There are men that flirt and I know I could also settle for one of those. Scratch this lonely itch. Yet I know there is more. 

I can feel you out there. I know you are there. And I think...if a man that wasn't meant for me was so wonderful and felt like such a perfect match, just imagine what the man God did intend for me will be like. 

So I wait. I wait and I do the work on myself so that I will be a good partner to you. I wait and enjoy this life and live in the moment. I wait and I hold the space for you. I hold the space that could so easily be filled with the wrong...wrong man, wrong situation, wrong timing. I hold the space and wonder where you are and what you're doing. I wonder what you've been through. I wonder if you're doing the work too or if you're one of those beautiful, rare people who haven't been through much and are amazingly intact. 

I wonder if I'll know you right away or if you will have to grow on me. I wonder if you'll know me right away or if I'll have to grow on you. I wonder where I will meet you. I'm assuming at work because I've told God I'm not looking for you and that he will have to set you right here in front of me. 

Regardless of who you are or what you've been though, I will continue to hold the space for you. I cannot wait to meet you. 



 

8.10.2017

Fragile...


For the last week or so I have been way more fragile than I normally am. I find that I'm seriously emotional and cry easily.  Sometimes without any warning a wave just grabs me. 

It interesting to observe the way I've reacted to grief.  To my conscious mind I'm not really grieving. I'm peaceful with my Grandma's passing, even though I'm sad about it. 

Yet here I am. I'm reacting the way I'm reacting and all I can do is observe it happening. I'm sort of just along for the ride. 

In the first days after she died, I was very visibly looking to numb and medicate. I ate everything comforting I could find and went shopping when I shouldn't have and spent more than I should have. I wanted cozy clothes and soft, warm blankets. It was all about comfort, comfort, comfort. 

The following week, I was experiencing the grief in my body in a horrible way. I almost felt like I had the flu. I hurt, and I just wanted to lay down and be left alone. 

This week, I'm doing okay most of the time. I don't even consciously think about it most of the time. However, there are the tears. I can be doing something totally benign and not even thinking about anything sad, and tears will start falling from my eyes. Also, I feel so lonely and sad. I never feel that way. I love alone time and I love being single. But this week, I'm am super lonely (but not lonely enough to spend time with people though lol). 

I don't know, it's weird. People grieve in their own ways. It's interesting to watch my soul go through this grieving process when I don't even really feel like I am grieving. 

Just though I'd share. 
 

8.03.2017

She did it!




She did it ☺️ My Grandma figured out how to visit me in my dreams. 💜

I was working at a nursing home (I think). I was bent forward taking care of a patient sitting down. I looked over to my right and realized my Grandma was sitting right next to me looking at me. I stood up and was happy and excited. I said, "Hi Grandma!" She just looked back at me and smiled and said hi. It was that simple. ☺️

There was one other scene but I can't remember the dialogue from it. All I remember from the other scene is that she appeared to have an old, faded tattoo on her forehead. It was so faded that it almost looked drawn on with water colors. It was like a crown of flowers. There was a large yellow rose in the middle of her forehead and then leaves/vine going off to the sides. It was really rather pretty.  
💛 

meaning of seeing a rose in a dream: 


Very fitting, don't you think?

 In another note, after I had woken up and realized that I had dreamed about her, I was so happy and was trying to go back to sleep. I was just falling asleep and had this quick little dream of a dragonfly flying/floating in front of me.

xoxo v.
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