I can't remember the last time I was struggling this hard. I feel so full of resentment, hurt and rejection that I can hardly breathe. It feels like a living, breathing, tangible creature crawling around inside of me that will reach out and grab someone if I walk too close to them. He's being very friendly to me since our last argument. However, not much has changed. I am still an afterthought to him. I am still not a priority or a desire. I never will be. I know that. We'll file that under things my intuition is telling me today that I am ignoring and pretending will all be okay. Let's see. What else can I come up with?
- That I'm living with his representative and that he really hasn't or won't be changing.
- That we don't love each other, we're just trying to make the best of it because we've come this far, why not see if it all works out.
- That he is definitely not husband material, so why am I wasting my time?
- He could care less about my needs, wants and/or desires.
- He still has himself listed as single on FB and still comments on that girl from the dating websites statuses and pictures 100% more than he ever has mine.
- He is turned off by me and thinks sex with me is disgusting.
- I see him just as much on the weekends as I do on the weekdays, which is next to zero.
- This is wrong. I shouldn't be here. I want to run away.
And I keep praying. I keep asking God to please heal these areas in me so that I quit feeling the rejection the way I do, so that I react like He would react and not how my flesh wants to react, that He would heal this garbage. And yet here I still am. I'm at a loss and I quit. I really really quit.
lurve you, xoxo v.