Nothing new

Not much to blog about here. Work was good but long. Now I'm going to try and sleep in to make up for all of the lack of sleep over the weekend. Nite y'all! zzzzzzzzzzzz

Not much to say lately


I wonder how this sugary donut will help me sleep?

Well, I made it through my first night shift in about a year-and-a-half. Oh how I love night shift! I mean L.O.V.E. The peace & quiet, no one in your business, no hall-monitors aka administration in your face and cramping your style. AHHHHHHHHHHH. But I have to admit that I did struggle just slightly because I'm not used to staying up so late anymore. And for the past week or so with depression as my closest companion lately, I've been going to bed really early. SOOO...I did struggle as little bit last night. But not NEARLY as bad as I thought I would. I thought that by three in the morning, I would be huddled under a blanket in a corner somewhere drooling all over myself. But nope. I survived. The biggest blessing of all is getting off at 6am. I'm used to getting off at 7:30 am. It sucks that I have to go in earlier, but getting off earlier ROCKS.

Now I'm home and I'm totally dehydrated and famished because my wonderful boss didn't think to mention that being a military hospital, they have NOTHING in the way of food or drink. Get this.... they don't even have COFFEE. I know, right?? What kind of hospital doesn't have coffee? Not even decaf. They don't have tea bags, juice, pop...nothing. Ok, they do have small cans of gingerale, but nothing else but water. So, I starved and sipped on some ice water all night. No fun. So by the end of the shift, I had already made a grocery list of crap to buy and take with me and as soon as I walked in the door, I poored a cup of diet coke (glad my mom left a little decaf diet coke behind so I can sleep!) and scarfed down a donut that was left over. Half-way through the donut I started praying that this sugar overload doesn't mess with me sleeping.

The only bad thing about coming home this morning is knowing that I have to go back in a mere ten freaking hours. *sigh* And then again the next day. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally grateful for this job and especially for the paycheck that will come with it, BUT I have never liked working three 12 1/2 hour shifts in a row. Call me a baby, I don't care. Another thing that last night taught me was that I really, really don't want to do bedside nursing forever. Seriously. I am SO over it. I have nothing left to prove. I know I'm a damn good nurse. I know I have skills. I've seen it, I've done it...and now I have nothing to prove. I want to ride quietly into the sunset with no code blues happening or crazy heart rhythms appearing on monitors and no alarms sounding. I don't like being SO accountable for every breath that I take while working. I want to do some simple paperwork and turn it in. Or I want to sell something to someone and call it a day. I don't want such HUGE and dire consequences hanging over every single action I take and every word that I chart. If I could just nurse my patients, it would be different. But nursing is SO much more than that these days and it's exhausting. I'm tired and I've had plenty of adrenaline and drama for one life. I seriously need to finish my degree so that I can move out of this area. But until then, I'm heading to bed so I can go dive into the drama head-first for at least the next few nights in a row. Wish me luck.


Fat guy in a little coat......

This will always be one of my fave clips of Chris Farley.

It's impossible without laughing & singing along.

Catch up

Just catching up. Nothing exciting happening here. My security clearance finally went through and I was able to get back to orientation at work. I have one more eight-hour dayshift then start orienting on nights for a while then I will switch to days. Not excited even a little bit about the days part, as you all know, but at least it's a paycheck. And since that's the first paycheck I've earned since November, I'm more than thrilled about it.

Other than that, I'm still in the battle of the broken heart. What's funny is that it's not even really about my husband. I know, right? The fact that I could really care less that he's gone hasn't changed at all. No, this is about other stuff...memories, loss of dreams, etc. The depression is still raging, which is another good reason that it's probably good to get back to work. Along with this depression has come a sudden desire to close ranks a bit. I'm tired of being so accessible to everyone, all the time. No one else on earth makes themselves that accessible to me, why should I be there for them? So I have closed down several of my instant messenger programs (that I never used anyways) and I closed down my myspace page (never thought that would happen).

The thing is that anyone I want to talk to isn't on there anymore. My closest friends and favorite people are either people that I talk to on the phone or are on facebook. I don't need it. The only reason it's there is for nosy people who want to be in my business or for quasi-friends who don't give a rip about me most of the time. Once in a while, one will leave a comment saying hi and we must get together, and we both know that nothing will ever come of it. So, because I have always have a great contempt for those kinds of relationships (even with my family), I took myself off the grid. I figure they will either find me here or call me in order to actively participate in my life, or they can just live their lives wondering how I am.

I've kind of hit the wall regarding being the dependable one. Every time I hear that word, a flashback enters my mind of one time when S.A.M. got a flat tire on the side of the highway and called me to come pick him up. There he was in dress pants and tie on the side of the highway waiting for me. When he opened the door, he smiled at me then kissed me before saying, "Always my Miss Dependable." At the time I loved it, but now it's left a sour taste in my mouth because it's never led anywhere good. I'm still alone and have nothing to show for it. So screw dependable. At least to people who haven't earned that part of me.

I have one week until the kids are on spring break. The little ones are going to my parents house for the week & Courtney is going to Maribels. I am tempted to find the cheapest tickets I can to somewhere warm where I can sink my toes in the sand and vegetate. I think it's warrented. We'll see.


Love it

"My rule is to live life
as if I'm 90 years old
in a hospital bed
having a beautiful flashback.

~John Mayer


Clipart of the day

Emma quote of the day

"How do I know if something's a potty word or not?"

Well, I think you probably already know if something's a bad word or not...

and if you say something you shouldn't,

I'll definitely let you know.

"I think you should make me a chart or something."


A picture is worth a thousand words....

I was looking through old pictures today

and the difference between the "old"/"normal" Scott

and the "new"/"unhealthy" Scott

almost took my breath away.

I figured if I shared some of them,

I wouldn't even have to explain...you can see for yourself.

Behold the "before" pictures...from when we dated and got married

and compare them to the

"afters" when he went off of his meds, gained a ton of weight

and was abusing alcohol & pills.

THIS is a pictorial diary of why I'm getting divorced.




especially notice the difference in his eyes... they became crazed.
(and what's scary is that he took these all himself!
Did he think he looked GOOD???)



Scott has now called me three times within the past 24 hours. I never answered and he finally left a voicemail saying all the expected things.... he loves me, misses me, etc etc. At first I could feel myself getting really mad about it. It's so hard after all of this to not be resentful towards him and honestly, I can't say that I've totally won that battle yet. But knowing what I know about life and having been through so much, I know that in order to eventually be healthy, I need to really strive to never let that root of bitterness take hold.

When I think about all the things in my past that I could have given into and become bitter over...or the people I could have let myself hate, so much comes to mind. For example:

As a young wife & mother, finding out that someone who claimed to be my friend was having an affair with my husband and had lured him away from us. He abandoned me with a 3-month-old and a one-year-old. I used to weep uncontrollably after I put the babies to bed and ask the Lord WHY did this happen? What was wrong with me that he chose to do this? And I wanted to kill the bitch that took him away. She lived just down the street from me and I could look out of my window and see our family car parked outside of her house any time of the day or night while my husband was there with her instead of home where he should be. What made it worse was that she began harrassing me with nasty phone calls and would come over and pound on my windows at all hours of the night screaming obscenities about how this was HER man now and that I needed to keep my kids away from him. She'd scream that if I was any kind of a woman then my man would have never wanted to look elswhere.

That was a miserable time in my life and I REALLY struggled with the whole forgiveness/bitterness bit after that. I had no idea how to deal with it in the beginning. The wound was so raw & festering I was a bit lost and the only thing I knew to do was pray. I read a lot of books and I sought a lot of council and learned that until it came natural, I just had to make a decision to refuse to act like a bitter person. Basically, fake it till I make it. I made a conscious decision that I was not going to be THAT person. She could act however she wanted, but I would not stoop to her level.

Eventually, over time, I didn't have to fake it anymore. Not only did God eventually begin to heal and soften my heart, but I have also found myself in some situations where I could definitely now sympathize. I can say that I've been on both sides of the equation. The difference is that I never sought out like she did to steal a husband, I just sort of found myself in the situation I was in. But either way and no matter what the circumstances, I know that it is going to be the same kind of pain for someone involved and that kills me to this day. I never, ever want to hurt someone the way that I was hurt and it makes my heart so heavy to know that I probably have. What I hope is that by never treating them in the vile, hostile way I was treated, that they might heal just a little bit easier someday.

Bitterness is such a nasty thing and it steals everything from you. It's like committing a murder/suicide because it makes you say hurtful things and act in hateful ways at the same time that it eats you from the inside out. I understand the temptation... BELIEVE ME... but, the people around you are only going to do as well as you do and you have to make the decision to refuse to go down that path. As humans we are all going to sin. We are going to be hurt by sin and we are going to hurt others by sin. It's easy to sit back and think that our sin doesn't stink as badly as someone else's, but the fact is that the Bible says that a sin is a sin is a sin in God's eyes and the fact also is that bitterness and rudeness are sins. Frankly, I've got enough on my plate. I find myself in enough trouble without adding extras to the mix... I don't need to be bitter on top of everything else.

Even when I do something wrong it doesn't make me a bad person....it means I sinned. And when someone else does something wrong that directly affects me, how I treat them afterwards is a reflection of my character. The quote of Ashton Kutcher's that I had put on here recently comes to mind...
"It's not how much you love someone when you love them,
It's how much you love them when you hate them."

Just because I'm hurt, angry or disappointed doesn't give me the right to treat someone badly and it will have everything to do with keeping me crippled, paralyzed & bitter. I was told by someone angry at me, "May God have mercy on your soul." All I can say is that...he will. Thankfully. What I hope for this person, though, is that they allow God's mercy to penetrate their soul as well, because as I said before, the people around them are only going to do as good as they will...and bitterness is self-defeating. Two wrongs don't make a right.

I eventually started praying for Luciana (the woman my husband had the affair with). I prayed for years that God would speak to her heart and draw her to him. A few years ago, I began working with her aunt who I became good friends with and found out that indeed, Luciana had gotten saved and was now a Christian. I saw her working the register one day at a gas station when I went in to pay for my gas. At first, it caught me off guard when she called me by name, smiled and said hello. But it wasn't difficult at all for me to return the gesture and truth be told, if there wasn't a long line, I would have gone around and given her a hug as well. She was a part of one of the most pivotal moments and valuable lessons of my life. She was working out her own garbage and I was working out mine and our universes just happened to collide in the process. There was so much pain and misery, but I'm glad I went through it...and I'm glad that neither one of us stayed stuck in the bitterness that could have set both of our lives on completely different courses. God is good even when we as humans aren't.


The reason why...

Scott Baum just sent me a text message that simply said, "I love you." Normally, what wife wouldn't want to get a text like that? However, for me it opens up an entire pandora's box of emotions and questions. He's done really good...I haven't heard from him since the 4 phone calls 2 weeks ago and for him that is monumental.

When I had grabbed my cell phone off the nightstand and took a peek at my messages, seeing his name made me instantly sit down on the edge of the bed as if the floor might give out from under me. Time doesn't make us forget, but it does soften all the jagged, hard edges that might shred us to ribbons at first. Six weeks of him being gone and experiencing "normal" life has not only left me grateful, but it has numbed some of the pain, making me miss him a little bit. DON'T GET ME WRONG...(Tami, you don't need to call...I haven't changed my mind! lol) all it took was ten seconds of sitting on the bed & reminding myself why he is gone to bring me back into focus, but for those first ten seconds I missed him. I miss the medicated, sane him. I miss the him that I only got the slightest glimpses of over those years. I guess I just miss the idea of him...because the real him is the reason he is gone.

This (among other things) has gotten me thinking about the reasons why things happen. That's something I've been praying about lately and I really am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, but sometimes the reason is so much bigger than us. People come & go through our lives...sometimes they're there for a very long time, but aren't meant to be there forever. Sometimes they flash in and out quickly. Sometimes the reason is obvious and sometimes its not for us to know why. Sometimes we find ourselves stuck in a place that we aren't supposed to be forever simply because we're afraid to move on. Sometimes its directly about us and sometimes the reason has absolutely nothing to do with us and isn't a reflection of us whatsoever...we are just part of something bigger that is in play and happen to find ourselves as players in a scene that we are not the main character in. Whatever the reason, if we sit tight and stop fighting for what it is that WE want and think is right, then things will work out the way that they are supposed to...because what we want is not always what is supposed to be.

And Scott.... I love you too. But that doesn't always mean that something is meant to be.


Bren, you's a dick!

Today was my first day of orientation at my new job. I was SO nervous for various reasons, but fought my nerves and chugged right along. I have to say, my day would have went wonderfully if the agency that I'm contracted through wouldn't have continued to screw up over and over and over as they have been doing. I'm not even going to launch into all of the ways...because there are oh so many. I don't know how they can run a business the way they do!

What I do know is that I discovered a few not-so-nice things about myself today...the first of which is that I'm not the nicest person (at least inside my thoughts) when faced with continual stupidity. After mentally rolling my eyes and wanting to shake a few people for irritating dumbness today, all that I kept thinking about was the ultrasound scene from Juno where Bren tells off the ultrasound tech for making a rude/stupid comment and then Juno says, "Bren, you's a dick!!! I LOVE IT!"

I don't know that I love it, but I do know that hopefully tomorrow will be better. It seems that I like the facility ok and I like my boss a lot. The people that I met on the floor seem to be decent. I am definitely worried about working in a military environment because, well, they are more strict than I'm used to in a lot of ways and plus they're much more straight-laced...and I'm, well, NOT. Hopefully I can pull it off and make them fall in love with me. I do tend to be the queen of first impressions and I think after today they like me a lot, so lets hope that continues.

I've been sent on the mission by my friends to bring them some men in uniform, so it looks like the soldiers have their missions and I have mine. I had commented to my friends the other day that I wasn't interested in the least because I have no desire for a military man. And that's still true...been there, done that. I hated the constant worry about deployment and having to move and not having a say in where we're going, etc etc. I don't want that ever again. BUT I do have to admit that after I'd been there all of a whopping, oh I don't know...10 minutes, my mind started changing...at least a little bit. By hour two, I was all over it! I only have three words for you... hot. as. balls. Man, let me tell you! To have a handsome, tanned, buff, clean-cut guy oozing testosterone standing in front of you...multiplied by EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK....you can imagine what that does to a girl. *wink* Made me feel like a girl of 35 again. *swoon*

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