The skin wrapped around this soul

I'm struggling lately. Friends are worried about me. People are wondering if I'm upset with them. Others want to send out search parties to look for me. At times I think it's getting better and then there are the times, like now, that I know it's going to be a long, rough road.

I know if he ever reads this his feelings will be hurt, but I'm so glad Scott's gone. SO. GLAD. But with this whole mess comes the stabbing reality to my soul that I've been struggling with my whole life. Men come, men hurt you, men get what they want, then men leave. In the end it's going to be you, and only you, on your knees cleaning up the mess of an unraveling relationship from the floor.

I struggle daily with the temptation to bring the walls up and lock it down like Fort Knox. I never have. I've never wanted to be the bitter woman and have worked hard not to become that person, but my brain keeps telling my head that maybe it's time. It's time for a change and if being the forgiving, compassionate, loving, loyal person hasn't worked for me then fuck it. I'm going to try something else.

Sometimes I look at my face in the mirror and marvel at how I don't look all that different, but yet I have seen so much with these eyes. It's the same as when I look at an old building or piece of furniture and marvel at the stories it must have seen. This skin that is wrapped around this soul has seen too much...and it is tired. What's worse? To never have loved at all or to have loved oh so much and have been let down every single time?

I took one final stab at love & trust and here I am alone. Devastated. Sad. Picking up the pieces and trying to figure out how to do it on my own. Again. I'm tired. I'm done. Unless something moves in my heart soon or changes in my life, the game plan is to give up. No more Ms. Nice Girl. It's time to look out for number one. I can feel a part of me dying today. I don't want it to though. So Lord please...move or move me.


Friday Five

  1. The court's website says that Scott was released from jail today. It also says that he can't have any contact with me. What scares me the most is that although it says he still has some suspended jail time based on good behavior, it also says that his probation has been completed. That makes me nervous. Keep praying for me.
  2. I was out of town for the week for some work-related training stuff and had a great time. Good to be home though because I missed my kids.
  3. This week was really good for my self-esteem. :) I received a lot of innocent (but good-for-me) compliments from various people and I think we all need that sometimes don't we? I was told that I smelled good, that I have soft skin, that I'm funny and smart. Shawnda even told me tonight, "You're so cute when you eat! Some people are just a mess and you're just so dainty." lol I was all "awww!" :)
  4. I am fully enjoying my new sofa even though it looks kind of like it ate my living room. It's much bigger than it looked in the showroom! I'm glad I didn't get the love seat too! For real. I do need to figure out something else to do as far as seating though. This old recliner I have I planned to put on the curb and now am sure that I need to because it just doesn't fit in here. I also need a new coffee table and CANNOT believe how much they cost now. Even like the barebones, square, piece of wood crappy table is like almost $200. When did this happen and how do I make it stop?
  5. I am fully looking forward to vegetating this weekend and getting caught up on DVR'd shows I missed this week. I should probably go to the grocery store, but fully plan to procrastinate on this matter as long as possible and plan to do as little as possible that doesn't include planting my butt on this comfy new couch that I have to get to know. Ahhhh! Let the games begin!


Twitter inspirations...

Loved Ashton Kutcher's daily thought today...

"daily thought..
its not how much you love someone when u love them...
rather its how much you love them when you HATE them"

Good food for thought, huh?

Stuck in my head


Back in 5 minutes

I've been getting plenty of messages and emails wondering where I've disappeared to. First off, let me offer my sincere apologies for leaving so many of you abandoned at work or in the bathroom with no mindless fodder to read. Your complaints have been duly noted.

Truth is, I'm hormonal and going through a lot of crap that is finally starting to catch up with me. When that happens, I tend to withdraw and cocoon until I process all of the crap bouncing around inside the walls of my head. I share a lot in my life, but only after I've chopped it, diced it and processed it and even then sometimes I still don't know what I think of it. I understand that this is why when I tend to go away for a little while, people kind of freak out a little bit and wonder what has happened to me. Rest assured though that it will be fine, as it always is. I don't take time and space for myself very often, but when I do, it's necessary. I'll be fine, I'll bounce back. I'm not mad at anyone and there's nothing to really talk about. It just is what it is and soon I'll be back and normal as ever. Thanks for caring and thanks for asking. I love you all and will see you soon.


4th folder 4th picture

Okay, the task was to go to the

4th folder then the 4th picture in my pictures

and post whatever it was...

and here it is!

This was of Amelia about 3 years ago.

It was one of the first days

she was allowed to pick out her own

clothes & get herself dressed.

She didn't do all too bad--

she at least got a pair of jeans and a jersey.

But she also added a winter hat and a lei

to complete her ensemble. :)

It's one of my favorite pics of her of all-time

because between the clothes & the pose,

it SCREAMS Amelia to me.


When Love Takes You In

When Love Takes You In
Steven Curtis Chapman

I just got done watching 17 kids & counting, where the Duggar family goes on a missions trip to El Salvador. I'm still drying my eyes. It's amazing to me the abundance in our lives that we take for granted. I know that personally, even on my worst days, I am so incredibly blessed. Lately, I've been going over all of the events in my life and as soon as I start to allow myself to think, man...I really have been through a lot, I see something like this that changes my heart. Because really, compared to some of these people I haven't been through anything. I've had my heart broken, but I've never watched one (let alone several) of my children die. I've felt betrayed, but I've never been starving. I may have had some crappy things happen to me when I was growing up, but I wasn't raised in a dirt-poor orphanage.

My heart spills out for these people and I want to go bring all of them home with me. Especially the kids. They went to visit one of the orphanages and they were talking about the girls who were now over 10 years old who would sit and cry because they had no hope. They were now old enough that they knew they would never be adopted and their heart mourns because they feel the are unwantable. One of the girls was a 14-year-old named Veronica (go figure). When asked if she could have anything she wanted, she answered "take me with you." I've never been in her shoes, but I do know what it means to have an orphaned heart that cries out for love and acceptance. A heart that just wants someone to want it back. Just wants someone to look at it, love it and take it home. Thank God, I have a savior who loves me enough to want me and take me home with him. It's amazing what happens when love takes you in, isn't it? My heart doesn't have to feel desolate and alone anymore...because it is wanted and loved now...and that has changed everything. Things that seem unbearable to the world suddenly become bearable. And where there was only darkness and despair, now there is hope...and hope is what makes all the difference. If I could give others in the world only one thing, it would be just that. HOPE.


My one true thing

Allison called me this evening before we went to dinner to tell me that she had a huge teaching opportunity with one of her students. She had actually used a story from our past to help this kid and we laughed hard about it, but I am so grateful for that story and the final outcome. It's funny because I had just told someone that story the other day and now she was recounting it too.

See, when I was 14 years old... 22 years ago today... Allison & I were babysitting for a couple from church while they went out for Valentine's Day. This family just happened to also live only a few blocks from the guy Allison was head over heels for...who just happened to be the guy who was head over heels for me. Well, while we were there, this guy walked over to this house to bring us gifts...Allison got a rose & a valentine card. I got a card & a can of Aqua Net...because he knew I would need it. Is that the 80's or what? ha!

Anyways, this guy ended up asking me out while he was there and convinced me to meet him in the basement to make out. Stupid me thought Allison didn't know, but I figured out that she did as soon as I heard the vacuum cleaner running with her stomping behind it, because she cleans when she's mad.

All these years later, Wayne is rotting away in jail and Allison & I are still friends. Of all the lessons I've learned in life, that was definitely the beginning of one of the most important ones.... that men come and go. They are a dime a dozen. But when you find a true girlfriend, she is to be treasured because she will be forever. My girls are the ones that I am willing to move across entire states to be near. They are the ones who sat in court with me and held my hands when a man hurt my baby. They are the ones who cooked for me and cleaned my house when I could just lay on the couch and cry for several days. They are the ones who pray for me, help me & will spend Valentine's Day with me because yet another man has turned into a real shit.

I love you Allison, Shawnda, Heather, Rachel, Maribel & Milie. My heart is so swollen with gratitude for the beautiful, inspirational, golden-hearted, solid women that you are. Thank you for being the constants in my life....now and forever.

14 Things that have made me love Valentine's Day

  1. Sweet valentine's packages received in the mail.
  2. Phone calls to let me know I am loved.
  3. Sweet cards to tell me the same thing.
  4. Valentines from little DJ that came in the mail.
  5. Timeless words and priceless pictures.
  6. Having valentine's lunch with Maribel & all of our kids.
  7. Having valentine's dinner with Allison, Shawnda, Heather & my girls.
  8. Wearing pink underwear with white hearts all over them.
  9. My new pink ipod.
  10. Looking through all of the old pictures on our "porkchop" blog with my kids and being so glad that we can look at our memories together. And also being blessed to know as you're looking through the different events how things eventually turn out.
  11. Romantic, love-filled music.
  12. Grubbing on all of the yummy chocolates that I was blessed with today.
  13. Seeing all of the sweet valentine's posts on other people's blogs.
  14. Looking at my freshly painted red toenails.


My newest girl-crush

I love Duffy.

I love her style, I think she is SO pretty & I adore her smoky voice.

She is definitely my newest girl-crush.

Stuck in my head

Miranda Lambert

wth happened to him?

WTH happened to Joaquin???? He has always been one of my favorite actors and he had a soft place in my heart because he reminded me SO MUCH of my Scott when we were in high school. Before I found Scott again and learned better, I used to watch Joaquin's movies all the time because it made me feel like I was seeing Scott. NOW, holy crap! If you watch some of the video at the bottom, you'll see what I mean. I guess they've been gone down the toilet in my eyes.


Through timeless words and priceless pictures....

You’ve got the best of both worlds
You’re the kind of girl who can take down a man then lift him back up again
You are strong but you’re needed, humble but you’re greeted
And based on your body language and shotty cursive I’ve been reading
You’re style is quite selective though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests that this is just what happiness is

And what a beautiful mess this is
It’s like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don’t mind my nerve you can call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they’re quick and probably have to do with your insecurities
There’s no shame in being crazy, depending on how you take these words
I’m paraphrasing this relationship we’re staging

But it’s a beautiful mess, yes it is
It’s like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blames
And the kind and courteous is a life I’ve heard
But it’s nice to say that we played in the dirt
Cause here, here we are
Here we are

We're still here

And it’s a beautiful mess, yes it is
It’s like taking a guess when the only answer is yes

And through timeless words and priceless pictures
We’ll fly like birds not of this earth
And tides they turn and hearts disfigure
But that’s no concern when we’re wounded together
And we tore our dresses and stained our shirts
But its nice today, oh the wait was so worth it

Here we are


Douchebag bastard

I'm sure most of you have heard by now that Chris Brown has gone to jail for "allegedly" (yeah, right) beating the living hell out of his girlfriend Rihanna. The police state that the pictures he took are overwhelming proof of abuse and that her injuries were "horrific". She said the damage was all done with his fists. Her face was mangled, nose broken, lip split open & they said she looked "like she was growing devil horns" because she had to huge swelling contusions on her forehead. She also had bite marks on her arms and fingers.

I am SO PISSED!!! What the hell is it going to take in this world for these pathetic f***ing men to keep their damn hands off of their women??? I'm glad that his endorsements are all being yanked out from under him and even though he sings one of my favorite songs ("No Air"), there will never come a day when I will support his music ever again. Poor Rihanna, I hope you feel better quickly and I hope that you have the support you need to convince you that you do not need this. Because you don't. Believe in who you are...a beautiful, talented and kind person. I wish you well.

Friends....how many of us have them....

Since I don't have an official valentine, I have decided to celebrate Valentine's day by paying tribute to all of the favorite relationships I have in my life. That's what it's really all about isn't it?









Until I get a new picture for this frame,
I think Gavin Rossdale will make a good replacement
on my wedding picture so I don't have to look at Scott.


Crazy Carl

Since I don't have an official valentine, I have decided to celebrate Valentine's day by paying tribute to all of the favorite relationships I have in my life. That's what it's really all about isn't it? So, here I decided to reprint a post that I wrote a few years ago about one of my most favorite and dear friends Carl. He is a true character and I love him to bits.

*warning...not for the faint at heart! ;) *

Carl is my most totally CRAZY, totally unlikely, totally platonic friend. He is loud and rude and somewhat obnoxious with a mind as dirty as mine. LOL The short little well-behaved girl and the big, loud-mouthed guy..... what a pair! haha Most people can't stand him just because he can be such an abrasive, tell-it-like-it-is kind of guy....but we were INSTANT friends when I started working here at this hospital believe it or not. Whenever we work together we cause way too much trouble because we can spend hours just laughing and laughing..... I have a BLAST with him. We have a shared sense of humor that not many other people get. It's pretty crude the things that we laugh about....but they make me fall off my chair rolling! lol References to "well girl you'd be able to pay your bills if you'd quit giving discounts!" and then I respond with "like you're one to talk...you're so pathetic your only dates recently have been hookers that give punch cards so you can earn a freebie on your 10th visit!". etc, etc.

He's finicky though. Very high-maintenance. lol For example, because I was sick recently I hadn't called him in a week or so. BACK OFF CLETUS I DIDN'T FEEL GOOD! SO SUE ME! I can hear him in my mind responding to me right now saying "oh shut the f*** up! You had the flu not an amputated dialing finger!"...he's such a primadonna. LOL I think he's the only person on the face of the earth who could get away with talking to me like that. I think it's because I know him so well and know that he doesn't mean a word of it, he's just being funny in his own way. He actually has the best heart.

So he calls me last week and leaves a voicemail...but I didn't know it because my phone never said anything about voicemail OR missed call. So I'm laying there sick one night and Carl calls from my floor at work and says "I'm just calling to tell you that I'm breaking up with you. You never return my calls and I never get to spend any time with you." I just start cracking up and said "Sweetie don't you have to be a boyfriend before you can break up with someone? And if you were my boyfriend shouldn't I be getting more 'benefits' from this relationship?" and he yells "oh shut the heck up dam***! I'm breaking up with you...don't try to get out of this now!" I just laughed at him and hung up.

So tonight at work I'm walking down the hall and I can hear his mouth from around the corner and I'm thinking "oh boy...here we go" as I start laughing. I call him "sexual chocolate" as a joke all the time .... this is our conversation:

"Sexual Chocolate!!! I've missed you!!!!" (and I go to give him a hug.... he has a thing about being touched....he hates it LOL... so I was doing it just to pick at him)


"Oh come on Carl.....give me a hug!"

"No, you get away from me! I told you I broke up with you! Our friendship is over! There is no more Carl & Veronica friends forever!"

"I don't want to fight anymore."

"I don't care, you should've thought about that when you weren't returning peoples phone calls."

"I was sick. You forgive me....you know you do. Lets kiss and make up!"

"Ewww! I'm not kissing you!"

"Come on Carl.... what about make up sex?"

"Okay you win."

And then we just start cracking up and things are back to "normal".... me telling him about a cute guy I'm crushing on and him rolling his eyes at me. Him telling me about how he just told someone off and he's probably going to get "talked to" by his boss in the morning and me rolling my eyes at him. lol

LOL....anyone on the outside would never get half the jokes that we make with each other, but we have the best time together. Maybe someday I'll see him with someone and he will be happy. That would be great....because he's the coolest. We're like Carrie Bradshaw & Stanford Blatch. LOL


My Soap

I'm sitting here listening to two of my favorite girls... one of my best friends since 1986 and my little girl in the kitchen making dinner. Amelia had turned on the puppy dog eyes and said, "Aunt Allison, will you make me your spaghetti? Pleeeeaaaasssse?" After a little debate, Alli couldn't resist and agreed as long as Emma helped her do it.

Now, as I sit here listening in on their conversation, I can't help but giggle because they are so funny together. I have never met anyone as good with kids as Allison. The was she banters with them and the way she laughs so easily at their jokes and the things she says. I am so blessed to be her friend.

When we were teenagers, there is a kind of stupid story about how she kept dropping the soap in my shower when she would spend the night and my parents would get so irritated getting woken up by the loud noise that it made. When she would get out of the shower I would say, "SOAP!" Then she would say it back to me. Pretty soon, we just started calling each other "Soap" and the rest is history. We are still "Soaps" to this day. Silly but charming, kind of like us.

This week there was a situation at the school she teaches at involving a bomb threat. I'm grateful that it turned out to be a false alarm, but it made me realize how much I love her and what a huge piece of my heart would die if something were to happen to her. I left her a message on her facebook wall that day that said, "Love you my Soapie Soap Soap. I'm glad you're my friend and that you are safe. 23 years just isn't long enough to have you in my life. :)" And I meant it. I'm glad that my kids know her and that I now get to live not even 10 minutes away from her. She is a blessing to my life, my heart and to my family and she constantly inspires me to be a better person. I love you Soap! And thanks for the spaghetti! :)


Top make out songs

I recently read a blog that talked about her favorite make out songs. I was so inspired, I decided to come up with a list of my own. It's funny how everyone's taste is different and what gets their motors running. :) These are in no particular order, by the way.

  1. I Belong To You -- Lenny Kravitz
  2. Baby -- Ashanti
  3. Dear Ben -- JLo
  4. Speechless -- Beyonce
  5. When Your Body Gets Weak -- Babyface
  6. Nasty Naughty Boy -- Christina Aguilera
  7. Feelin' Love -- Paula Cole
  8. Butterflies -- Alicia Keys
  9. Lets Stay Together -- Al Green
  10. Moments In Love -- Art of Noise
  11. Feel Like Making Love -- Bad Co.
  12. Crash Into Me -- Dave Matthews Band
  13. Giving Him Something He Can Feel -- En Vogue
  14. Breathe -- Faith Hill


Life goes on

Now that most of the drama and excitement has died down, life has taken on the quiet rhythm of normalcy and while it can be boring, it's so nice. My friend Milie reminded me that, "You have been living on adrenaline for so long, one emergency to another, you have to adjust without it in your life." How true that is. I'm certainly no adrenaline junkie, but now when things are quiet, I can see how different it feels than any "normal" day on the crazy scale.

Scott called me the other day...twice. I was so irritated, especially since he's not supposed to have any contact with me but honestly, I'm surprised that it took him a week to call me and that he only tried twice. The first time I didn't accept and the second time I did so I could tell him to stop. He had an attitude with me, but he stopped and for that I am grateful. Surprised but grateful.

Other than that, things are good here. Daily life is all about taking the kids to school and picking them up. What's for dinner and getting ready for school the next day. I'm still working on the paperwork for my new job. Hopefully in the next day or so that will be completed. I still have to go get fingerprinted and get my physical. I think I'll do that tomorrow. I called my doctor to schedule a physical and was told it would be $120! (!!!!!) I told them never mind and looked for someplace cheaper. Thank goodness my friend Shawnda told me that one of the local Kroger's has a nurse practitioners office in it now. Who would have ever thought that there would someday be a doctors office in a grocery store by the frozen food section? So I call them and it's walk-in only and it will be only $33! woot woot!! :)

The only other thing going on in my life is that I need to get serious about losing weight. I've been saying it for a long time but REALLY need to. I used Allison's scale yesterday and it said I've lost like 9 pounds. If that's true, I'm thrilled but still need to take a ton off. I don't need to be skinny...I like my curves. I just want to be healthy and look good in my jeans again. Most people would still consider me a big girl at that size, but I like me and that's all I care about....and that's about another 40 pounds from here. SOOOO.... I need to find a treadmill! I've been looking on craigs list and believe it or not, there aren't any good ones! Oh sure, if I want to pay as much as I would in a store, but none that don't look like they are from the Flintsones era. So if anyone out there lives close enough to me that they would like to sell me their decent treadmill, please let me know!

And I did it anyway

At certain times in my life I've been next to some not so nice people.
I've even been married to a few.
Sometimes they've said some pretty cruel and abusive things.
I've been told that I would never amount to anything.
I've been told that no one would ever want me.
I've been told that I wasn't good enough
or smart enough
or pretty enough
I was told that I was used goods.
I was told I might as well give up
because nothing I tried would ever amount to anything.

And I did it anyway.


The biggest loser

Do you watch it?
Who are you rooting for?
I'm rooting for the blue team...
more specifically I'm rooting for Sione
because he's cute
(and because he looks SO MUCH like
my ex-boyfriend Jesus...
who taught me that I am beautiful.)

I've been thinking a little about this whole weight thing
and I know that part of the reason that I keep the
weight on is because
I use it as a tool.
A tool that keeps men
who might want to use me
away from me.

Maybe I could just learn how to make wiser decisions?

I'm Yours

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks, now I'm trying to get back

Before the cool done run out, I'll be giving it my bestest
And nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love

Listen to the music of the moment people, dance and sing
We're just one big family
And it's our God-forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm sure
There's no need to complicate, our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

D-d-do do you, but do you, d-d-do
But do you want to come on
Scooch on over closer dear
And I will nibble your ear

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and I laughed

I guess what I be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanities and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do, our name is our virtue

But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Come on and open up your mind and see like me
(I won't hesitate)
Open up your plans and damn you're free
(No more, no more)
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours
(It cannot wait, I'm sure)

So please don't, there's no need
(There's no need to complicate)
There's no need to complicate
(Our time is short)
'Cause our time is short
(This is our fate)
This is, this is, this is our fate
I'm yours

Oh, I'm yours
Oh, I'm yours
Oh, whoa, baby you believe I'm yours
You best believe, best believe I'm yours


Yeah, you're welcome

The other day I was telling someone that normally
I don't like tattoos, but that they could be sexy
in the right situation....

this is one of those situations.

I liked him back when he was squeaky clean,
but I am a sucker for that scruffy 5-o'clock shadow
and the little bit of edge that he has to him now.
Damn, he's fine.

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