Lightbulb in the darkness

I DO fit somewhere. I can be better than this. I AM better than this.

♥ veronica


Sorry, we're closed.

I've contemplated doing this for several days now.  The events of the last week have left me battle-weary in a way I don't think I've felt before.  That, combined with the fact that I put the question box on the side of the page over there and wow, I had no idea the amount of negative, judgmental readers I have.  That kind of stuff?  Gets deleted.  The same way any nasty, judgmental comments always have.  I've always been able to tolerate it and take all the bullshit people have to say with a grain of salt, but I have suddenly and abruptly hit my limit.

Therefore, this concludes the question and answer portion of my life.

I have never written to be controversial.  I have never written in order to get feedback.  I write to purge my own soul and to get it out there.  Better out than in.  But what has happened, is that I have a few sweet and faithful readers who read because they care what I'm up to.... the rest of you are just like vultures.  You are only here because you are nosy voyeurs who want to know what's going on, but don't want to contribute in any way whatsoever to my life...and I'm fed up with ME being the only one contributing to this relationship (as well as many other relationships that either I am choosing to change or the universe is changing for me).

I am tired of not being appreciated and tired of being treated as disposable by those who are supposed to love me.  If there are only a few people on this earth that I can count on or that will be loyal to me, then I take myself back...ALL OF ME back and save it all for them.  And for myself.  You want me?  Come find me.  You want me in your life?  Figure out a way to put me there.  I'm not extending myself for anyone who doesn't extend for me.  Not anymore.  I'm spent.

I pray that the Lord heals this.  I'm sure he will.  Today, this is where I am.  I'm done.

♥ veronica

Clipart of the day

Random #82

♥ veronica


"I try to keep breathing"


It always blows my mind the way God brings change through my life & home with such a swiftness.  He never lets me know it will be coming, it just does...within a matter of moments, minutes and sometimes hours.  Just *WHAM*  A smackdown of change.

Today, I thought would be simple enough.  I worked last night and planned to wake up and maybe take the kids to the movies and then the craft store.  Maribel had called as I was waking up, so I laid in bed and spoke to her for a while.  Talked about everything in general, as old friends do.  I was worried that Courtney would be blowing her graduation because she'll never get up and go to school.  And that I have concerns about her giving up her future because she thinks Josh will be coming home from Iraq and taking care of her causing her to not go to college.  Really, it was innocent, frustrated mom-talk to  friend who already knew all about it anyways.

Well, Courtney overheard me talking about this stuff and went off like an atomic bomb.  She claimed that I had betrayed her and that I was talking crap about her.  She alleged that I said a lot of things that I never said, but the point is that she had escalated to a point where she was frantic.  The freaking out then turned to more general matters of I'm a horrible mother for making her move out here, her life is ruined because she hates it here, then it turned into I'm just a horrible mother altogether and I want her to leave so...according to her words, "you can banish me like you did Darren!"

That statement pissed me off.  Darren is a very sore subject with me, because I feel guilty that he is living with his dad anyways, and I know that he doesn't get taken care of as well as if he were here.  But the fact is, Darren chose to leave.  That's where he wanted to be.  Either way, when she said this, she definitely pissed me off and pushed a hot-button with me.  I grabbed the remote control and through it at her feet and yelled at her to "shut up".  She then stood up and grabbed the remote to my BRAND NEW tv and smashed it as hard as she could into the ground.  Yep, it shattered and went everywhere.  At that point I was MAD and she ran in her room and tried to lock me out.  After getting the door open, I lunged at her and grabbed her shoulders.  I pushed her back on the bed and told her to "sit down!"  She went to stand up and I pushed her back down on the bed telling her to sit down again.  She started yelling at me "you shoved me!!"  and I kept saying, "You're lucky ALL I did was shove you!"  She had no idea how bad I wanted to do MUCH more than shove her!  

But anyways, she marched to the front door screaming, "I'm out of here!"  And I said, "Yes!  If you don't like the rules in my home, get the F**k out of my house!" Within minutes, she had phoned the whole family back in Ohio and told them (I'm sure) that it's all moms fault, & it's none of Courtney's fault.  Her family booked her a plane ticket for midnight tonight.  I said, "Why would you do that??" and she said, "well you through me out!  Was I supposed to live in the streets???"  Whatever...that child would NEVER have to live in any streets.  Whatever.  

Needless to say, after much snot and tears flying around, she had her bags packed and was ready to go.  Maddie & Emma were a mess, I was a mess.  At what point does loyalty come in to play?  Loyalty to family?  I guess it doesn't.

Primo even tried to persuade her to stay.  He offered to let her have the guest suite at his house until she gets life figured out.  She told him no because it was too soon before her plane left. (more excuses).

The whole ride to the airport was a ton of tears and crying, text messages, and begging not to go.  For me that had all stopped.  I was sobbing, but completely shut down to her.  She mad her very immature, selfish, dramatic decision to betray our family and now I was done.  Quiet, withdrawn.  When we arrived at the departures lane, I wouldn't even get out of the car to hug her goodbye.  I kept thinking I need to or I'll regret it, but listening to her try to calm the girls down by saying, "Oh don't worry...you'll see me and talk to me all the time!" ticked me off a little more and made me not want to hug her even more.  I mean, she had rejected us.  She had insulted me.  She was so excited to betray our family's loyalty by leaving, that I could not bring myself to get out of the car and hug her.  Instead, I sat stubbornly in the front seat praying for her.  

She eventually came around and leaned in my door and gave me a hug and told me she loves me, but I didn't really want to hear it.  Not right now.  You're leaving your family high and dry.  That's all I can see or hear.   The girls cried all over her before she grabbed her bags and disappeared inside of the terminal.  I texted Primo, "She's gone."   Simple, to the point.  He replied with, ":("  Then with, "What now?"  My response was "I try to keep breathing."

We all cried all the way home and all the way in the house...and all the way until everyone was in bed...and even some after that.  It was a very emotional and sad night where my family of little women had been emotionally battered...and now they were down to two.

This morning bright and early she texted me to say she already missed us & was homesick.  I couldn't even respond.

♥ veronica


More proof that I don't hide it very well....

"Dear Friend"
Stacie Orrico

Shawnda had actually sent this to me in an email last night,
letting me know I was on her heart.
She said the song made her think of me.

And that was BEFORE I wrote this last blog on depression.

More proof that I guess I don't hide it very well...
and that I have amazing friends.

I love you Shawnda Pew!
♥ veronica

No wonder

I could feel myself coming down with a little depression today.  Kind of like it's a cold or something.  You know how right before you get the actual cold, you can feel the sick coming?  Yeah, well that's kind of what it's like.

Why?  I don't know.  Really, there's too much to dish out in a quick and tidy little blog, but it could have something to do with the constant amount of stress I feel that I'm under.  Don't get me wrong, it's not BIG stress, like I've had through most of my adult life.  No, this is all the little stresses that being a single mother of four kids, two of which are hormonal teenagers, one of which needs EXTRA (understatement) help with her homework.  Plus, working full-time at a job (that I'm grateful for) that requires me to check my email about a hundred times every day (and never knowing what I'm gonna get...will it be nothing?  Will it be huge drama and trouble?) and causes me to lose sleep...literally...because of day-time meetings out the ass. 

Top that with the fact that I'm still on this yo-yo emotional healing roller coaster while starting to dip my toes in the dating pool again (with a guy that thoroughly delights, yet confuses me) add to that me going on birth control for the first time in Y-E-A-R-S (PRAISE God for vasectomies!), which has made me bleed like I just gave birth for TWO solid weeks (yeah, I'm thinking fuck this!  I like my natural body better...and it's obviously rebelling against these pills...wait, no, never mind. This baby-making factory is CLOSED for business!  Bring on the pills!). 

Travel plans up in the air, bills, CONSTANTLY sick kids....Courtney was in the emergency room the other night, which caused me to miss two hours of work, $125 copay, a bill coming for the ER visit, CT scan, etc. (kidney stone...now passed).  Have to lose sleep tomorrow to attend her credit appeal to see if they are going to allow her to have her credits and graduate (because of too many sick days). 

I MISS MY FRIENDS!!!  I mean, seriously miss my girls. :(  The worst part about distance?  That would be distance.  I can't be there to witness their lives and they aren't there to witness mine.  So often I feel they think I've forgotten about them and I feel they've forgotten about me....but none of it is true.  There is no replacing them and I haven't even tried...hence the fact that I have no life here.  Not really.

I'm stressed about getting this divorced over with.  I have Emma asking me literally every single day, "When are we going to the eye doctor?  When are we going to the dentist?  When can I get a haircut?  When can we go to the library?  Can we go horseback riding?  Can we get a pedicure?  Can I play softball?  How about cheerleading?"  etc etc  Poor kid... she just wants a life.  And she doesn't have one. Because I'm always working...or resting for work.  Or broke.

I'm exhausted.  Every kind of exhausted you can stick a name on.  I really didn't start this blog to barf all over your computer screen like this.  I was gonna say how I was feeling a little depressed but wasn't sure why.  Yeah, forget that...now I remember why.  Needless to say, so far my zen in 10 isn't working out so well.

♥ veronica


Clipart of the day

 Random #74

♥ veronica


Green for St. Patrick's Day!

♥ veronica


Why do you have such amazing kidss?
Because they have an amazing mother. ;)

Friday five

  1. I'm loving my new phone.  For the most part anyways.  Don't get me wrong, this phone rocks in the same way that I like my men.... straight up & dirty.  But, I can't help but denying that the older I get, the less impressed I am with gadgets.  I just don't get technology crushes like I used to.  It's an HTC Touch Pro 2 and it's pretty freaking amazing.  The screen is amazing and the touch is really responsive and behaves well.  It doesn't drop a million calls like my Blackberry did.  The only complaint I have about it is actually the thing that most other people rave about...the keyboard is larger than a normal slide phone.  This makes it easier to type (in theory).  The problem is that I have tiny hands and it's hard for me to hold it and reach all the keys.  I make do and it's not enough to make me wish I hadn't bought it, but it's noticeable for me.
  2. I'm worried about Courtney, please pray for her.  This girl just WILL NOT stop missing school.  She's grown now and I have to let her make her own mistakes.  There is just no talking sense to her.  She has already been through one credit appeal due to excessive abcenses and they told her that if she showed up in this position again, they probably would not grant it again.  WELL, guess what happened?  She's on no-credit status and has to go for a credit appeal next week.  AGAIN.  She thinks it's all better this time because she has doctor's excuses this time, which may or may not be the case, but still...why would you risk it???  And now?  She may have kidney stones.  *sigh*  She already called me once tonight almost crying about the pain.  Because it's Sunday night and there's school tomorrow or because it's legitimate?  I'on't know *shrugging shoulders*
  3. I have bad news. :(  My tulips were murdered. *sniff*  I put them out on the patio to soak up some rays...and a sudden storm happened upon us.  Before I could get out there to rescue them, the winds had already snapped most of their little necks.  I was crushed.
  4. Mom is coming for a visit next week!  It will be nice to see her and will be good to get her out of that bullcrap east-coast weather for a while.  I miss the rest of the family too and wish I could afford a trip home for all of us to see everyone.  There will be plenty of that this summer though.  I need to start saving every penny now!  Between graduation parties (I HOPE!), weddings, taking kids there for vacation, etc, there will be a lot of frequent flyer miles being accumulated (and money being spent!).
  5. Last but not least, the question that's most frequently asked... what is going on with Primo?  Well, I wish I could answer that.  The only thing is I still don't know.  He's like the ocean tides...it depends on what time of day you catch him.  I think it also depends on where in the moons phase the day falls too.  Seriously, he confuses me!  On one hand things are good.  We hang out, we take the kids out to dinner, we occassionally spend time snuggling up and watching a movie or something.  Some of the main problems is that we are pretty much on opposite work schedules and also, he has been in the process of moving for the past few weeks.  So, it's hard to find time available at the same time and needless to say, he's been a little distracted.  Other than that though, he's just a tough one to read.  He clams up tight and I'm not used to that.  After a few long conversations, he seemed to drop his guard and I really thought we were making some progress.  He was all smiley and affectionate and cuddly and had the walls down....till the next day when it was daylight again.  I think he's some kind of emotional vampire.  But, once again...it's sort of a good thing because I do. not. need. anything to be complicated by emotions or anything.  The problem is that I do want to enjoy who I'm with.  I don't want you to  want to marry me...but I want you to be open, fun and friendly while I'm with you.  Did I tell you about the two kid-fiascos we already survived? LOL  Okay well, my kid went first...and I thought I would DIE.  We were walking out of the restaurant and to the car when his daughter (who is 8 and Emma's new BFF) went running towards him smiling and yelling "DADDY!"  Before you know it, there's Emma following suit!!!  She goes running towards him and throws her arms around him in a big hug and screams "DADDY!!"  He thought it was the funniest shit he'd ever heard....THANK GOD!  Then, the other night I watched his daughter as he & Courtney finished moving all of his stuff .  When they were done, I took the kids to Dairy Queen and then over to the new house.  After we had been sitting there for a while, his daughter came downstairs and exclaimed, "I don't see why you guys can't just move in with us?? It would make things so much easier and be so much more fun!!  Dad, can they move in??"  I almost choked on my ice cream! lol  But once again, he thought it was hillarious.  That's one thing I like about him...how laid back he is about most things.  He just doesn't get easily offended.  That's nice most of the time.  Now if only we could shut these kids up!

♥ veronica
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