I could fall, or I could fly
Here in your aeroplane
And I could live, I could die
Hanging on the words you say
And I’ve been known to give my all
And jumping in harder than
Ten thousand rocks on the lake
So don’t call me baby Unless you mean it Don’t tell me you need me If you don’t believe it So let me know the truth Before I dive right into you
I love Oprah. Don't you love Oprah? It's okay if you don't, but I do. One of the things Oprah always says she learned from her 25 years as a talk show host is that every person just wants to be seen and heard. To be validated and know that they matter.
This has always been stuck in my mind, but it didn't really hit me until one day last year. I had recently started my new job and I needed to ride a shuttle to the parking garage to and from work every day. I get on the shuttle, I get off the shuttle. And proper shuttle etiquette dictates that no one speaks to one another on the shuttle unless you really know the other person. Kind of like in an elevator. It's just weird if you do.
Well, at this new job, I was attending weekly meditation sessions in the chapel every Friday. There would be a short reading or music or something, we would meditate, and then we would discuss how it affected us afterward. I really loved this time with my coworkers.
One week, part of the reading had to do with coasting through life without being mindful. Being on auto-pilot and praying for the weekend to come. It hit me that I was guilty of this. And why? Why are we always wishing for the weekend to hurry up and get here. Well, I mean, duh. That's a dumb question I suppose, but my point is that these are our lives we are wishing away. Every moment of every day is what makes up our life. And we aren't really living it. We are missing our lives.
My first thought was of the work shuttle. Specifically, to the driver. I thought to myself, this man drives me twice a day and I bet if I saw him in a store I wouldn't even know who he is. I decided to start looking him in the eye and saying "Good morning" or "thank you" and also learn his name (it was Ron, by the way).
I also decided to start trying to be authentically present during my days. If someone walks up to my desk to speak with me, I determined that I would not keep working and mumble "uh-huh" or "okay". No, I would stop what I was doing and turn around and look them in the eyes and smile. I would actually see them and have an authentic interaction with them.
Wow! After doing this for a short time, I couldn't believe how it impacted my daily life and the relationships with the people around me! When people felt seen by me, you could see the joy coming into the situation. You could feel their energies start to rise.
I started to notice, "Wow, she has really pretty eyes." Or, "That's a really great tie he's wearing." Even, "I had no idea how funny he is once you actually get him talking." And I started telling them these things too. People blossomed and so did I. I've actually been told many times that they love working with me/my floor because I am the "friendliest" and "most fun." Not really saying that to brag, but to point out that what I actually think is happening is that people are feeling seen and heard and it is reflecting in their attitudes.
On the shuttle? The good mornings and thank you's started catching on and pretty soon (and still now I think, although I no longer ride the shuttle so can't confirm) it became a constant stream of "Good morning, good morning, Hello, good morning,..." when people entered the bus and "thank you, thank you, thank you, have a great day and thank you..." when they exited. Kindness is contagious! Especially when it is making people feel connected and like they matter. Because we all want that.
Recently someone told me that they could tell I was never happy with Paul because I have been letting my representative blog for several years now. I thought about that for a minute and had to concede to that fact. I have absolutely been letting my representative blog for a very long time.
Who or what is my representative you ask? Well, your representative is who is front and center when you have a wall or mask up. When you first meet someone, your representative makes you look as wonderful as possible. Like you are happy-go-lucky all the time.
In my case, my representative was posting very surface, benign posts like recipes, clipart, and crafts. When I'm happy, I am creative and deep. And my writing reflects that.
When talking to my friend last night about this, she agreed. She said, "Yeah, your writing changed when you got together with him and it's never been the same since." That's sad to me, but I know it's true.
So, what do I do about it? I'm not sure. As Elizabeth Gilbert describes in Big Magic, the Muse is an actual entity that will bring you inspiration when it knows you are serious about bringing forth works. I guess I just need to fake it till I make it so that the Muse will want to come back to me. Because what we had before? It was magic and I would like to get back to that place.
Not only is the full moon on Tuesday, but Mercury went retrograde today (until May 3rd). Be patient, be kind, and brace for impact. lol Don't make any major plans, have important conversations, or sign important paperwork for the next month...or it may go haywire.
I just finished this biography of Sheila Chisholm (also known as Lady Loughborough, Lady Milbanke, and Princess Dimitri). She was one of the original "it" girls. She was from Australia, but through marriage became one of the most popular London socialites in the 1920's and 1930's.
I've always said I should have lived during this time period because I have been fascinated with it for my whole life. This was a nice glimpse into that era of glamour and happiness.
I was telling my friend Lauren lately that I feel so creatively dry. See, normally I am an extremely creative person. I always have several projects going and if I see something that inspires me, I go home and make one for myself. But the past year or so? *cricket, cricket* Nope.
Why is that? I'm not totally sure. It just feels like the creative anointing has lifted off of me. But, I know that isn't true. I know that the Muse is still there, just waiting for me to tap back into that creative flow.
So I followed Elizabeth Gilbert's advice and did a creative CT scan on my life. Be still and think of all things creative and see if anything gives you a little tingle when you think about it. Even if it's just a little tingle, sometimes if you grab onto a thread and pull you will get a whole ball of yarn. As I scanned over all of the areas of my life...writing, painting, cooking, cross-stitch, knitting, making candles, etc....nah. Not much was happening.
Currently, the only things that I find intrigue me are cake decorating and photography. I would LOVE to learn cake decorating, but for what? I don't plan to open a bakery. And having cake and frosting around the house all the time? Oh Lort. That would be so bad. So, photography it is.
Lauren suggested that we go to different places and just spend a few hours taking pictures and see if it sparks my creativity at all. So, that's what we did today. For our first day out, we went to the West Side Market. I mean, come on...who couldn't be inspired in this gorgeous old building? I had a great time and had a delicious gyro all while taking some gorgeous pictures. It was a great day.
And then some from home because it was such a GORGEOUS day!
I had dinner with a friend. The conversation wound here and there as
conversations do, and I ended up telling her about Collin. See, Collin
is the love of my life. He is the best friend I have ever had and
loving him changed me in all of these incredible amazing and beautiful
we had no choice but to part (because even though I am not proud to
admit it, he is married and we needed to do the right thing), it nearly
destroyed me. I know it was the same for him, but he has a way of
hiding his pain better than I do and so he soldiered on. The thing is
that normally so do I...but not this time. This time, the pain, loss,
grief...all of it...was so much to bear that...well, it was a dark, dark
time. Lets just say that.
don't talk about him much anymore and it was kind of strange talking
about him to my friend (you can read some past posts about him here and here).
As strange as it was, it was also wonderful. As I wove my way through
the tale of our love story, it's like I could feel him there with me.
It felt good to have his name rolling off of my tongue once again and to
speak of him openly with love and fondness. The truth is that as hard
as I have ever tried to move on, I never really get very far. I mean, I
pretend I do. I pretend it is ancient history and that it is something
long behind me...but it isn't.
tell God all the time that when it is time for me to find my forever
partner, He (God) has his work cut out for him because the bar has been
set very, very high. Nothing I have experienced before or since could
even register on the scale of that love quake. His love changed me,
left me branded as his, and even all of these years later...I am only
one mention of his name away from being right back there.
has been heavy on my mind since that conversation with my friend last
night, just as if he is sitting down-sofa from me now. I feel him and
his energy all around me. So much so that I went and opened up the
vault of all of our old love letters today. I haven't done that since
probably 2010. I tell you, this thing that we experienced was so
immediately special that I felt the need to capture everything that was
said, every picture exchanged. I mean, in the old days, people wrote
love letters to each other...and then they kept them, along with all of
the mementos of their relationship, tied with a bow. In this digital
age we just don't have the ink and paper types of love notes; but that's
exactly what I felt that these texts and chats were for us...so I have
all of them tied up with little digital bow.
used to chat all day long...on the phone, over text, email, pictures,
BB messenger. From the moment we woke up all through the end of the
day. And at the end of the day, I would copy and paste all of it into
an email to save it because it and he were so very special to me.
Opening that vault after all of these years was powerful.
I opened up one day after another and read our conversations from
morning through night, it was just like being back there again. It's
still there...the love, the connection. Reading sentiments like, "We're
connected forever Veronica...what we have is bigger than physical...you
will forever be in my heart and mind" pierced through me. None of it
was trite. None of it was a game. It was the most honest and real
thing either of us have ever experienced and I miss him. I will probably
never see him again, but when I allow myself to go there, to really
think about him and read the things we said and the things we
experienced, it's like not one minute has passed since I saw him last.
The love remains...to the moon and back...round trip...and I embrace it
I know that this wave will rise and then it will fall again. It's just
a wave, it's just a wave. And I know that when it comes, I just hold
on...I just hold on.
I just finished reading The Alchemist by Paula Coelho. I loved this book so much and think that every person who has an open heart or who has ever sought answers should read at least once in their lives.
This is the story of a boy who is in search of his personal legend and the lessons he learns along the way. Through his travels and experiences, he learns that if he is in search of something, the universe will conspire to make it happen. Also, that God is always talking to us and sending us signs if we only look. We are all one and we all have a purpose. We can choose to settle and stay in one place (figuratively and literally), or we can journey on.
There are so many quotes and lessons that I could discuss here, but I think it is better if everyone read it for him or herself. If you do read it, please let me know and we can compare notes. It is an easy read but a profound message.