Just Finished....

"Fifty Shades of Grey"
EL James

Ummm.....  *cricket, cricket*.  This book left me a little speechless, and that is not an easy thing to do.  Well, almost.

Hellooooerrrrrrr (Madea voice), somebodies geTTing nasTy in heRe!  mmmmhhmmmm *side eye* *fanning self*

Have you read it?  Holy cow!  Let me just say, Miss Ana Steele is getting L-to- the-AID, and well too.  Oh those were the days, weren't they?  However, I just could not wrap my brain around the whole rest of this book.  Maybe it's the fact that I come from an abusive background, maybe I'm just too headstrong, I don't know, but every time he would try to boss her around or would snap at her, I swear my inner Madea would pop up and I'd be reaching for my purse to grab my gun. I'd be like, who da hell he think he talkin' to, where my purse? girl, let me get this gun....  Then I'd keep reading and I'd calm down then he'd do it again.  I was a mess reading this thing!  I'm laughing at myself now, but I must have been a sight to behold while reading this thing.  Last night, Paul was joking with me (and very GENTLY joking with me because he knew to tread lightly!) and trying to keep with the spirit of the book he kissed my neck and said that if I didn't do something he was going to swat my behind and put me in the corner.  AW NAH BRAH! I jumped back from him and he had a playful grin on his face and I was all business.  With my eyebrows raised I responded, only if you want to ruin your anniversary and get punched in the mouth!  Yeah, I don't think I would make a very good submissive.  Go kneel by the door with your hands on your legs and just wait for me to come into the room and have my way with you, don't look at me and only address me as sir.   


However, I am rooting for the sexy Mr. Grey to get himself sorted out and get his shit fixed.   Maybe I should send him the card for my wonderful therapist?  I love her and she's wonderful and she dealt with the likes of me and I'm almost "normal" now (that's my story and I'm sticking to it.  What?  Don't look at me like that.).  I just started the second book and so far so good. Hopefully the second will be better than the first.


There's NO WAY I agree to imagine this sexpot man as a COPPER HAIRED man!  NO WAY! (eww!)  He has dark hair. 


How can they POSSIBLY be thinking about turning this into a movie???  It would have to be XXX rated! That or lose half the movie!  There's no way.

lurve you, xoxo v.


Happy Anniversary Baby, got you on my miiiiiiiind......

I awoke to the sound of someone gently singing into my ear this morning, "Happy anniversary baby, got you on my miii-iiind.....".  A smile broke out across my face. Happy second anniversary to the man that I love waking up to every morning and dreaming next to every night.  No one infuriates me, inspires me, encourages me or loves me the way you do.  I can't believe it's only been two years and yet I can't believe it's already been two years.  It just keeps getting better and better and I'm glad that I have a man who knows that if he keeps his eyes on the Lord, there's no way this can go wrong.  In even the past few weeks I feel closer to you than ever before.  I appreciate you and I love you and I look forward to many more years with you and only you.   Happy anniversary Anderson.

lurve you, xoxo v.

"As Long As You Love Me"
Justin Bieber


Please donate to Courtney!

As most of you know,
my daughter Courtney has been sick and in the hospital for the past week.

All of last week she was complaining of a backache and we had no idea what it could be,
and she eventually ended up in the emergency room one night because the pain was pretty bad.
A CT scan showed a 5cm mass on one of her lungs and they admitted her
because they had no idea what it was.

We were all pretty scared,
and as her mama I was pretty upset because I had no way to be there with her.

At first, it wasn't responding to antibiotics and it looked like my girl was going septic.
They had trouble keeping her blood pressure up and her temperature down.
She sent me the above picture the other night when her fever was raging and her 
blood pressure was something like 98/45. 

They've ruled out TB and have pretty much settled on Valley Fever,
which it looks like she picked up while living here in Arizona.
Yesterday they did a very painful biopsy and are waiting for the results of that to come back.
At that point they'll decide if they need to send her home with a picc line for long-term antibiotics
or if a different course of action will be necessary.

One of the problems is that my girl is young and trying her best to make it on her own.
She's not only bored in this hospital room,
but she's terrified of losing her job.
It may seem like a "small" job to the rest of us,
but to her, it's her whole world and her only means of support.
She's frustrated and constantly battling the urge to sign out against medical advice
simply because she knows there's not going to be a paycheck coming.

SO PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE.... do me a favor!
PLEASE help me show her that there is good in this world
and that although none of us have a lot,
we all have a little,
and together,
we can each take a little and patch it together and make a quilt of compassion
for this girl who is struggling with a choice to get healthy or to work.

The little bit that we can give her can help her get groceries or pay her car payment.
Will you please donate to Courtney while she is sick?
It will encourage her so much?
A little will go a long way.

Thank you so much!

(This is through my private paypal account
and every penny of it will be forwarded to her)

lurve you, xoxo v.


Brief update....

Not a whole lot to say at the moment, but thought I'd let everyone know
that I am indeed still breathing.  I suppose that's a good thing, right?
Every time fear starts to grip me a little bit, I repeat "I trust you" in my head to the Lord.
I'm not sure what's going to happen, but for today everything's okay.

On an aside note though, something that did NOT help my fear....
the other day I went and bought this little rubber duckie thermometer for the pool.
It was adorable... yellow with black sunglasses on and a thermometer sticking out of the bottom.

Well, yesterday morning when I woke up?


Completely gone from the pool.
I checked the strainer basket, tore apart the pool, checked under every floatie, 
checked the whole backyard (because, you know, 
rubber ducks can just up and climb out of the pool and stuff).
It's no where to be found.
Paul was skeptical because I'm kind of notorious for insisting something is missing
when it's really right in front of my face,
so when he got home he searched for himself.
Nope, it's really gone.
Someone was really in my backyard and creeping around and stole my duck!

And it makes me want to run right back to my just-in-case hammer!
I mean WTH!

It's not a good thing, but Courtney has already seen the bad guy driving past her work
in his truck, so at least I know it wasn't him.


There's no duckie stealing thief in our midst!!!
It just seemed too weird,
so when we got in the pool today,
I stuck my arm in the skimmer,
and even though we couldn't see anything,
I could feel the thermometer and I pulled it out!
It had floated in and gotten stuck half way between
the pool and the basket up where we couldn't see it.


I feel so much better knowing that there wasn't someone prowling around
in our backyard while we were sleeping.
And I know it sounds weird that someone would steal a rubber duck anyways,
but it was just GONE.
And stranger things have happened, right?
Anyways, mystery solved!

lurve you, xoxo v.


Just finished....

"Jeneration X"
Jen Lancaster

I loved this, just like I have all of her other books.  She knows how to write a great memoir and every time I read one of her books, I walk away thinking that I could write one exactly like it.  Except for the fact that her life has been way happier than mine and so I could never be that happy through seven books, but whatever.  She and I could totally be friends because we think a lot alike.

lurve you, xoxo v.


Story unfolding....

"Do you trust me?"  is what I keep hearing in my heart.  With eyes full of tears I stare out the window.  My whole life is on an airplane how many miles over the Earth and completely out of my reach now.  "If this email had arrived just a few hours ago I wouldn't have known what to do.  I don't know if I would have let them go."  I had said to Paul.  I guess it's a good thing it didn't.  It makes me think of an old blog that I wrote where someone told me that I don't try to ride the earthquake, I try to control it. This is one of those times.  It's quaking.  I'm not riding.  I'm trying to control. There is absolutely nothing for me to control. Absolutely.  Nothing.  And God knows it.  Which, I believe, is why He is doing it this way.  This is the test and I'm kind of failing. I'm like the drowning person who is floundering and grabbing onto the lifeguard.  "Do you trust me?" He is saying.

Just a few days ago I sang, "You have made all things new, and I am free" while I cried because I meant it.  I felt God speak to my heart in a powerful way and show me that He has healed me when I wasn't even looking.  A year ago, I would have NEVER allowed these girls to travel to a location close to where that devil is out of prison and roaming around and now it wasn't even given a second thought.  Mostly because even though he was close, he was still at a somewhat comfortable distance.  I trusted God to take care of my children.  Or do I?  A mere two hours after their plane took off, I received an email with a sex-offender update stating his address had changed and it is now RIGHT THERE.  Literally RIGHT.  THERE.  A mere minutes from where my girl will be staying half of the summer.  A mere minutes from where my other girl works.  A mere minutes from where my son lives.  I begin to sweat, I want to throw up.  I start rocking back and forth, I'm dizzy.  Am I hyperventilating?  Is there a way to call an airplane?  What would I say if I could?  Would I tell it to turn around?  Oh my gosh.  What do I do?  Oh my gosh.  I begin an afternoon of flailing and floundering in the water.  I'm not exactly passing the test.

I see on the sheriff's website that he got his old trucking job back.  I block my number and call the place to confirm, then I commence to pull on their heartstrings and pour on the guilt trip.  How can they hire a man to represent their company that they know rapes little girls?  Do they not care that he is a baby raper?  I am the mother of that raped little girl and now they're going to give him a paycheck to live his happy little lifestyle so that he can go rape more little girls?  He's not just a rapist.... he's a rapist who rapes LITTLE GIRLS and now he is representing their company.  I hope they're happy with their decision and will sleep well at night.  They were silent.

I updated my facebook status to let everyone know and to let them know what kind of car he is driving now and his license plate number so that they can beware of him (white 2005 GMC Sierra).  I talked with Courtney for a while about it and we tried to talk each other off the ledge, but I'm not sure that did a whole lot of good.  I called Paul and he exclaimed, "There's NO WAY Maddie's going up there now!  No way!" and I agreed, which sent me right back into the fetal position and rocking back and forth.  Every once in a while, I would send some prayers up.  Mostly what I recognized was that old demon FEAR creeping back up that used to hang around so much.  He's been mostly gone for so long now and I like it that way.  But I took the afternoon off of work and planned to enjoy my first afternoon of quiet with everyone out of the house.  It's a beautiful afternoon.  Know what I did?  Sat inside with all the doors locked, scared to death.  I've heard every creek in this house and wondered if someone is walking around upstairs and if I should sit here with a knife or if I should go get my "just in case" hammer so I can whack someone if they come near me.  I haven't gone swimming because I'm afraid to have the door unlocked or be outside by myself.  I guess everything isn't made new and I'm not free.  I guess I'm not passing the test.  And the worst part of it all is that now my kids are 2000 miles away and I can't even control whether or not they're safe.  At least I know that my dad will pull a shotgun on him if he comes near them there.  Bastard.  Back to the old drawing board.

So I'm in the water like that drowning person, but now I recognize what's going on and where I'm at.  So now I'm reaching for your hands that wondrously reached for me, you wondrously reached for me.  Just one touch is all that I need.  Maybe next time I'll pass the test, because I sure am a whole lot more healed than I used to be.  Just one touch can heal this life and change it for forever.  Just one touch.  Just one touch can calm this soul and tell it to be still.

lurve you, xoxo v.

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