What a difference a day, I mean hour makes

The kids being home for a visit has been going okay. Tonight, however, a really good day dissolved into a very, very bad night. My oldest had a meltdown, the likes of which I haven't seen for about three years. I don't think it's any coincidence that it just happened to occur after she's spent three weeks back in Lorain County. And as we all know, I don't deal with that sort of temper tantrum, in your face, disrespectful, defiant attitude well. It got ugly and it was painful. We need prayer. She needs encouragement. I need wise advice.

After the battle subsided at least somewhat, I took my little ones to the pool for a midnight swim. I felt bad for them that they had to watch that garbage yet again, when it was all supposed to be water under the bridge. As God is prone to do lately (maybe he is always is and I'm just starting to notice lately), he placed the perfect person in my path at the perfect time.

As the girls climbed quietly into the pool (it was late and they didn't want to disturb anyone who lives too close to the pool), I sat down in a lounger. There happened to be one other guy in the pool area and I happened to say hello to him as I walked past. No one here has ever spoken to me. They don't say hi, they don't converse. They mind their own business and frankly, I like it that way most of the time. Last week, I wondered if it makes me a big bitch that when buying a doormat I kept putting the one that said "welcome" back on the shelf because I couldn't decide if I really wanted to encourage someone to knock on my door. FYI, I ended up getting one that doesn't say anything.

So anyways, I say "hi" to this guy and he says "hello" back. Then he says, "I'm sorry, that probably wasn't for me huh?" I smiled and said, "Yes, that was for you. I said hi to you." And he jumps out of the pool and comes to sit by me, introducing himself as Tony and we proceed to have an hour long conversation. Guess what he does for a living? He's a counselor....for troubled teens. Yeah, I felt the same way. That's awesome. And he is always working at this time, but just happened to take tonight off of work because he needed a day off and just happened to decide to go for a midnight swim. Oh, and he doesn't even live here, he just happened to decide to come visit his friend for a day or two. He actually lives across town. God's awesome. And Tony is cute AND he talked me off the ledge. What could be better.

Courtney fell asleep in my bed. How ironic that I am going to end up sleeping next to her after everything that happened tonight. Hope I can trust to close my eyes and sleep next to her. I hope Tony is at the pool tomorrow when SHE is there.


It got a little worse...and then God showed up.

Last night was really emotionally trying for me. I wish I could share the details of what went on with my kids and their dad, but out of respect for them and their privacy, I'm not going to. Suffice it to say, it came down to my kids being in a very, very bad situation with tempers flared way past where they should have been.

It was bad and being so far away from them made it even worse because I'm not there to fix it. I don't think that's completely by accident either, if I'm being honest. God has been slowly chipping away at me lately and I can see that he's trying to bring me to a point of surrender. Having gone through so much in the past sixteen years or so has toughened me and made me want to protect myself and my children as well as made me want to control situations to the best of my ability. That's the problem. God wants to be my protector.

Yes, I should use discernment before getting into certain situations, but I need to not have walls (mine are more like fortresses) up in order to try to do all of the work myself. I need to trust that when the stuff hits the fan, that He will be there to protect. By letting this situation occur with my kids when they are far enough away from me that I can't just hop in the car and drive across town to save them, it was just one more opportunity for the Lord to teach me to turn it over to him. I couldn't fix it; only He could. I can't tell you how hard that was for me.

Seriously, it was nearly debilitating for me to feel so powerless. I was in a bad place last night knowing that my children were in a very bad situation and I could do NOTHING. It left me with tears and snot flowing in a near fetal position on my kitchen floor. At first I was so mad that as I was sobbing, I was wanting to punch walls and destroy things. Then it turned more into sadness and grief. Then it was just surrender because I could do nothing about it. I had to trust God to take care of it.

I eventually went to bed feeling sad and tearful, but somewhat peaceful. It is what it is, I figured. This morning, however, I woke up to some more bad news about the same situation and I had to figure out how to deal with it all over again. My response was less angry this time but the grief began to wash over me. The whole thing was just too reminiscent of things I have gone through in the past and my heart is broken for my kids knowing that they had to experience what they just did and see what they just saw. All I want is to bring all of my kids home and cover them with my wings...but I can't. And they're almost grown...I can't cover them forever. There is only one person who can and that's God. I have to surrender this fear that history will repeat itself and trust him to protect us.

Today I woke up and went to get my hair trimmed. I'm still working on growing out a bad haircut and needed my layers touched up. I'm not crazy about the haircut (as usual), but I am thrilled with what happened at the salon. I went to a salon I had never been to before and I took the first appointment they had available. The only thing I can think of to equate this visit to is:

Hebrews 13:2....
"Be not forgetful to entertain strangers,
for thereby some have entertained angels unawares."

Have you ever been around someone that you can almost tangibly feel the comforting, peaceful, lovingness of the Holy Spirit dripping off of? Well, that is how this woman was. She was a black woman in her mid 40's named Meshelle and she is amazing. I first noticed that this was going to be something different when she was washing my hair. I'm telling you, I've had hundreds of hair-washings and head-massages at salons, but there seemed to be this relaxing power that flowed out of her hands and into my head. I almost fell asleep in the chair and when I stood up, I was literally dizzy and felt stoned.

After successfully making it back to her station, I was simply trying to make small talk like you do with a hairdresser. It was polite, nothing too heavy or personal. She had just asked me about my job here and I was telling her a little about the mess that is my current facility. She quietly walks around to the front of the chair and looks me in the eye with the most powerful, intense gaze. She doesn't even ever ask if I'm a Christian because somehow she just knows. She looks deep in my eyes with an intensity I have trouble putting into type and says, "You need to claim this. God has this for you and none of these weapons that have tried to rise against you recently are going to prosper. You know exactly what I'm talking about, don't you. You need to rebuke what's there to harm you and bless what's around you, because God has this for you."

She continues to stare into my eyes as I gape at her with an open mouth. I shake my head yes, letting her know that I know what she's talking about and then try to go back to normal conversation but am honestly a little shaken and have trouble making my voice not sound shaky. The way she looked at me is like she knew everything about me and was sent just to tell me that message. But it's not over yet...

She asks a question (I can't remember what it was because I was still shaken, but it was something that alluded to my past with the evil one and writing a book about it----I KNOW! RIGHT?) I respond completely shocked and say, "I AM considering writing a book about it! I've been putting it off for a long time though because I feel like it's all healed and put away and I don't really want to dig it all up again."

She stand with her eyes closed and shaking her head no as I finish my sentence, then says, "It's not for YOU. God has spoken so strongly to my heart about this, I don't even need to know the details. This book is not for YOU. It is for HIM and for all of the people that he has planned to read it and be helped from it. You are a healer and you've been ignoring a large part of your gift because you're afraid to let Him in there and use you. It's time for you to do this."

Once again, if you could only get a glimpse of the way this actually went down. It's not like casually talking to someone, it was like I went and sought out a spiritual leader or a prophet and they were giving me a message straight from God. I felt like I needed to take of my shoes because I was on holy ground in that salon! She also said that she has a book that she has had no idea why she's had for ages, but she now knows that it is for me. She said, "I'll bring it in for you to come pick up or I'll bring it to you. Either way, it is my job to get you this book. It's on different scripture that pertain to different things that God has done and different ways that he has and will heal you. He has things for you to do in this life girl!"

I left there feeling recharged and renewed like I remembered my purpose and also a little embarassed like someone had just been able to look inside my spiritual underwear drawer or something. I definitely feel like God showed up and looked me square in the eyes though. I love when he is faithful to show up even in the most bizarre and creative of ways. Even during a holy haircut.

I just may take my flip flop off and slap you with it....

I know that this may not be any huge epiphany, but I really have a temper. Actually, let me clarify that. It usually takes me a LOOOONG time to show my temper. I'm not very quick to anger. But once I get to that point? IT. IS. ON. And I don't just get angry in a little white girl from the burbs type of angry, I get ghe-to-the-tto.

Rational conversation isn't even a real possibility at that point in time. My bark is a lot worse than my bite, I mean I won't actually like HIT you or anything, but my mouth will do ALLLL the damage. Curse words will be flying everywhere like shrapnel and I will definitely be telling you about yourself. The part I hate most is that I will probably start crying too. I really, really hate that my tear ducts seem to be hard-wired to my emotions. But they are. It's my cross to bear.

So what got me thinking about this? Tonight I had some minor (major) family drama involving two of my children and my ex-husband. I was minding my own business. Standing in my kitchen arranging some tulips I had bought at Trader Joe's in a vase because tulips are my favorite and I've been so sad the past few days I was trying desperately to get to my happy place.

So anyways, I'm arranging my two shades of pink tulips when my phone rings. It's Courtney. I answer the phone expecting to hear my normally happy-go-lucky daughter say something funny or greet me lightheartedly, but instead I hear her sobbing HYSTERICALLY. She goes on to tell me several things that Randy had allegedly done, things he had said, oh and he's really drunk, etc etc etc.

By the end of the conversation, I'm am L-I-V-I-D. I mean seriously seeing red and ready to cut him. What made it worse was that just as Darren was hanging up the phone, I hear Randy's drunken butt in the background screaming, "OH, AND YOU CAN TELL YOUR MOTHER...." *click* Oh hellll no! You better believe I called straight back, except I called the house phone so that niether of the kids would be involved. My ex-mother-in-law Betty answered the phone and I feel bad that I ambushed her the way I did, but what can I say?


"What?" *sounding very shocked and obviously wondering what I know and don't know and knows that she probably shouldn't put him on the phone but doesn't know how to tell me*

"I SAID PUT RANDY ON THE PHONE. THE LAST THING I HEARD WAS 'AND YOU CAN TELL YOUR MOTHER...blah blah blah. If he has something to say to me, put his bitch ass on the phone so he can say it! And if you don't want put in the middle of this Betty, I'd suggest you get out of the way because he has already crossed FAR over the line tonight and now he's about to deal with ME."

She wouldn't put him on the phone, so she got the earful that was meant for him. I'm sure she can relay the message. I mean I went off like it was defcon 1 (maybe 2, but still pretty bad). About an hour later, Randy called me himself and asked (so freaking calmly and Eddie Haskelish it was sickening) if he could talk to me for a minute. He went on to apologize and claim that none of the stuff the kids had said was true, BLAH BLAH BLAH ad nauseum.

What I thought was funny (kind of) was when he said that he was glad I was so far away, "because I told my mom 'Veronica would WOOP MY ASS!' But I also know you well enough to know that you would hop on a plane, fly here and woop my ass, then fly back. So I knew I needed to get this straightened out." So he has met me.

I don't know that this is a legacy I'm necessarily proud of. I wish I could be more diplomatic and keep a poker face on at certain times. But it is what it is. I think I'd be happy if I could just be able to control at least some of the potty mouth that is at it's worst during these times. If I could just keep use of the word motherf****er to say..oh, I don't know, less than 10% of the word count, I think even that would be improvement. Baby steps I guess.


Oh yeah, all right Take it easy baby.....

An American Girl
Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

The past few days have r.o.u.g.h. This month, hormones haven't just kicked my ass, they've tossed my salad...with croutons. I have been the saddest, weepiest mess that I have seen for a while. I think life is catching up with me finally and I'm glad I had a few days off to deal with it all.

Another reason it might be particularly hard right now is because a few days ago I started writing my memoirs. Memoirs. That's such a fancy word for how straight up and dirty it feels to be jotting down all of your deepest, darkest memories and secrets. Anyways, whenever I take the time to share my story with someone, I always hear the same thing... "You should write a book!" So I am. Finally. I figure that if I'm ever going to purge this stuff and get it down, that now would be a good time to do it since the kids are gone and I have all the alone time in the world where I can get weepy or angry or whatever emotion might take me captive at that particular moment.

It's coming along. It's been three days and I have like 35 pages written. Some of it is flowing easier than I thought it would and other parts I find myself dancing around and avoiding like the plague. To jot them down as thoughts on a notepad or points in an outline is one thing, but to think about getting down and nitty gritty with them is totally another. Writing about all of the trauma and drama, beatings and abuse, my husband committing adultery and my next husband...well, committing the most unthinkable crime. It's devastating and difficult. But it's also healthy and productive to get all of this garbage out. Better out than in, right?

Every evening around dusk I make my way out onto my patio and write until my battery gets low and then I come back in. Before then and it's too hot outside, after that and I'm certain I'll get mugged or knifed sitting on a porch by myself in the dark. I know, I'm too afraid of life for my own good. I always wished I could be more footloose and fancy free and do things like sleep with the window open and stuff like that. I remember even as a little girl, probably third or fourth grade, whenever I would spend the night with my friend Marie, I would NEVER sleep because her family slept with all of their windows open. I couldn't sleep a wink. I can't believe any of them ever made it to adulthood or old age. Seriously, if I tried that, I would have an intruder the very first time...that's just the kind of luck I have and it's scary.

So back to the writing... whenever things start to get too much, I find myself avoiding. One of my favorite things to do is to go for a drive...especially at night. Just me, music blaring, heading down the highway. One of my favorite songs to forget about the world to is "An American Girl" by Tom Petty (posted above). It just relaxes me. I take it easy when I hear it. And I need to take it easy sometimes. Especially now when I'm awash in the hormonal haze. Pretty soon I'll be back to handlin' shit like a rapper. For now? I need all the help I can get.


Pimp down!!!

Yesterday there was a tragic accident in the hot tub of my apartment complex.


I know, right???

Ponder for a second the scene:

me taking a picture,

a huge bee trying to land on me,

me trying to splash the bee away....

with my hand that had the phone in it.

Yeah, I know.

Then, of course, I FREAKED OUT.

It eventually started working again (somewhat).

I could use the phone, but couldn't type.

So t-mobile sent me a new one today.

I was surprised it only took one day.

Now all is well...THANK YOU LORD!

The whole time it was happening,

all I kept hearing in my head

was Money Mike from

Friday After Next





Walking on sunshine

This is from one of the most tragic episodes of Intervention ever. Have you seen it? The video made me giggle though...in a tragic, sad sort of way. She just has no clue how awful she looks.
She's huffing spray air, like you clean your computer keyboard with.
Huffing like it's for cash money hundred dollar bills.
So sad.

We just got a letter, we just got a letter, we just got a letter, wonder who it's from?

I opened my mailbox today, expecting that it would be empty.

It's always empty.

But today there was something in it!

A letter to me!

I was beginning to think something was wrong

because I hadn't received any mail since living here,

not even a bill (not that I'm complaining about that part).

So I had asked my mom to mail me something...


Well, today there was an envelope inside waiting for me!

As I pulled it out of the box,

the Blue's Clues "mail" song kept playing in my head.

My kids used to love that show

and we would sing that song

every day as we checked the mail.

When I got back to my apartment

and opened the envelope,

I found two awesome letters from

Madelaine & Amelia.

Only five days until I get to see them!

They will be coming home for a week

and then going back to friends and families houses.

I think it will be a nice vacation for all of us.

Isn't it funny that we're considering being TOGETHER a vacation? :)


My extensive on-the-job training....

ME: "How do I know which one of these ventilator alarms means something serious?" (since every facility has different machines that make different sounds)

Charge Nurse: *looks at me blankly for a moment* "Well, pretty much they don't mean anything important, but if you see a muthafucka runnin', then you better run too."

Although it made me laugh,
I wonder if it would hold up in court
that this pretty much made up my entire orientation?


Dear bitchy staff nurses, suck it. xoxo Veronica

I picked up an agency contract at a new facility this week and I was ready to quit the first night. I made it through though. The second night, however, I was ready to shank one of those alpha-bitch attituded heifers in the parking garage.

Although I won't say the name of the place publicly (much more to keep the wasband in the dark vs. protecting this place's reputation), I will say that this place is nothing but a freaking HOLE. It is nasty and gross and NONE of the people are nice. They are so far on the other side of the "nice" scale that they are falling off the other side into plain old STANK.

I am supposed to be there through Labor Day but as I was making copies of my time sheets, I stopped at five copies because I thought 13 of them was being too optimistic. We'll see. Hopefully I'll be able to be left alone and do my job and I can stick it out, but I sincerely hope that if you see me on the 11 o'clock news having cut one of them in the clean utility room that someone will show up with some bail money for me! I promise the crime will have been justified! PRAY FOR ME Y'ALL!!!

Clipart of the day

Nothing says romantic evening in

like colt 45 and shag carpeting


Mommies always come back

It's not that I don't have anything to say lately, I just have trouble getting it from my brain to the blog. Truth be told, there really isn't anything going on besides me being bored and lonely most of the time.

The kids are all still on vacation and so I spend 99% of my time alone. At first it was rough, but I'm getting used to it and kind of like it. At least most of the time. Tonight Maddie called me and put Amelia on the phone crying and then I didn't like it so much. She misses me and is having trouble sleeping and can't quit crying. Maddie said she has been especially clingy and is having trouble getting her to even let her sleep alone in her bed without her. I tried my best to comfort her and told her that I know how it feels. I remember crying myself to sleep many times when I was little and my mom had to leave me so she could work.

I know a lot of it is somehow stemming from her being afraid that I will go away and not come back. After all, she has seen her dad do that (even if it is for the better of all involved). I remember when Courtney and Darren were little and I had to put them in daycare so that I could go to classes, they faced the same fears. I had bought them a book called "My Mommy Comes Back". It came with a cassette tape with a song by the same name. It talked about no matter how afraid you are when Mom leaves, you can always rest peacefully knowing that Mommy will always come back no matter what. For years we sang that song...

"My mommy comes back,

she always comes back,

she always comes back to get meeeee...

yes, my mommy comes back,

she always comes back,

she never would forget meeeeee."

It always helped comfort them and helped them to trust me and my faithfulness to them. I know in the world that there are times when some moms don't come back, but I like to think that is not the norm. Men may come and go, but moms are usually forever. And this mom certainly is. I want my kids to not be afraid to spread their wings and fly, knowing that they can always land in the nest again with a mom that loves them.

I still have that little book packed away and probably will for the rest of my life. No matter what bad things have happened in our lives, that has been the second biggest thing that I have tried to instill in my kids. First, that God loves them and will never leave. And second, that your mom does too.


Have you seen them?

There's tons of new pictures over on Pork Chops!

Have you been there?

I only have eyes for you....

I Only Have Eyes For You
Jamie Cullum

This is one of my favorite songs.

It is such a sexy version of it

and definitely makes me want to move

(among other things).

Ever since I saw them use it on

So You Think You Can Dance

last night, it's been stuck in my head.


Stop this train...

Where my emotions are today...

"Stop This Train"
John Mayer

No, I'm not colorblind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind
But I just can't sleep on this tonight

Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?

Don't know how else to say it
Don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?

So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game
To find a way to say that life has just begun

Had a talk with my old man
Said "help me understand"
He said "turn sixty-eight
You renegotiate"

"Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
And don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train"

Once in awhile, when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
Till you cry when you're driving away in the dark

Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train


Miscellaneous midnight ramblings

They don't have to make sense to you...

because they make sense to ME.

And unlike usual,

I won't be explaining during these sessions.

They are simply for me to purge

what is on my mind and in my soul.

And I will be doing it often.

Some things are my thoughts,

others are things that have inspired me.

Maybe observations,

perhaps even stirrings in my own heart.

Whichever way,

they are mine...

my insides.

*It's not about how nice your phone is, but who texts you.

*I wish he would have asked me out before I left. I know he wanted to.

*I keep looking for the answers...Where is my damn answer?

If anything matters then everything matters. Because you are important everything you do is important. Every time you forgive the universe changes. .every time you reach out and touch a heart or life the world changes.

*He is so beautiful. When he looks at me, I am left speechless and a little off-balance. He has the smoothest, most comforting voice I have ever heard, with the best laugh to go with it. I can think of nothing negative about him. It amazes me that someone like him exists.

*Just as birds instinctively gravitate to their south, I also gravitate to MY south. HE is my south and he pulls me in without even being aware.

If you really love someone you will never let them go…especially to possibly go meet someone else. You will hold onto them and fight for them…you don’t drive them to the airport and wish them well. Or tell them to go ahead and have dinner with someone else because it's "just dinner" afterall.

*I don't care. I care too much.

Don't be afraid to be the jerk taking pictures. The same people who give you a hard time about it will ask you for copies of them.—John Mayer

It’s hard for me to take a stand when I would take him any way I can… (John Mayer: Neon)

My new boyfriend

Aside from the one vacation I took to the Bahamas in 1997, I haven't been in the sun for at least 19 years. I can remember in the summer of 1990, my cousin Michelle and I laying on floaties in her mom's pool trying our best to bake our way into a golden summer tan while squirting lemon juice on our heads to get sun-soaked highlights.

I learned? A) that you can't do that with black hair, because instead of golden highlights, you end up with an orange, brassy disaster on your head and B) that I don't tan. I burn. Instead of basking in the glory that is a beautiful brown tan, I stayed awake all night smearing noxema on my skin and squirting a mixture of vinegar and water on myself in order to squelch some of the burn.

Only a few years after that, I learned that I had lupus and that sealed my sunbathing days forever. See, when you have lupus, you shouldn't spend much time in the sun because your immune system kicks in to try and protect your skin and then you get sicker. SO... needless to say, I have spent the last almost 20 years staying covered up, bathing in sunscreen and spending most of my time indoors. The problem is that I didn't realize how much I missed the sun until this past few weeks!! I was always ok with staying out of the sunlight just like a vampire and joked that at least I'd have the nicest skin in the nursing home.

This week I moved to a place that has a pool. Top that with the fact that it has been GORGEOUS outside and all of a sudden, I have discovered that I can't get enough of it! Yesterday, I even went for a dip and then lounged by the pool with a book. It's like reuniting with an old lover that you had no idea how much you missed and enjoyed until they come back. My skin is soaking it up and I can practically feel myself making vitamin D every moment that I'm out there. I know, I know...be careful, don't overdo it...I know. I'm not. At least I'll try not to. But I have a new boyfriend now...his name is Sun and I plan to spend some quality time with him. I always have had a problem with picking the wrong men. I guess I'm still working on that.


The Hangover

I was bored and lonely today so I decided to go see The Hangover. I've been waiting for it to come out for what seems like an eternity. When I saw the first preview of it, I knew it looked like my kind of movie and I was right. It was freaking hillarious! Now I have to put a warning label on here for anyone wanting to rush right out and see it because of my recommendation... it is F-I-L-T-H-Y. So if you don't like that sort of thing, steer clear. I, on the other hand, LOVE that kind of stuff when it's done well...and this is. I laughed myself into at least one asthma attack and would love to go back to see it again. If any of you see it, let me know what you think! And if you're too chicken-butt to admit publicly that you've seen it, email me privately and tell me what you thought. This was definitely the funniest thing I've seen in quite a while. The sad thing is that the big guy with the beard totally reminds me of Scott (in his crazy times). Maybe it made me feel better to know that the rest of the world is laughing with me at the insanity that is a person like him. Go see it if you can handle it!



Really? Seriously?

One of the gems found on this site.

Electric stoves?


The combination of electric stove with non-teflon pan

made me feel like I've never cooked before.

I had to put the first three

grilled cheese sandwiches I made

down the garbage disposal,

and the fourth didn't turn out much better.

The fifth was ok.


Heaven must include gas stoves and teflon pans.


Juno count

How grateful am I to be done moving? Let me count the ways! The stress and the craziness of the past several weeks has been bo-na-nas. I'm so tired but so glad to be in a place where a certain someone *cough, cough* the was-band *cough, cough* doesn't know where I am. I like my new place. I'm having trouble getting used to the automatic ice maker though. It never fails to scare the crap out of me whenever the ice dumps.

The only other problem I have now is that I don't have cable in my new digs yet. This means? That this evening I am on Juno viewing number two. I bet I'll be in double digits (maybe even triple) by the time the cable guy arrives. Yes, I still think it's one of the best movies ever made. It's responsible for a large amount of the dialog and banter in our household and I NEVER get sick of watching it. LOVES IT! :) I guess I could have worse problems than having to watch it over and over for a few days.


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