Oh yeah, all right Take it easy baby.....

An American Girl
Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

The past few days have r.o.u.g.h. This month, hormones haven't just kicked my ass, they've tossed my salad...with croutons. I have been the saddest, weepiest mess that I have seen for a while. I think life is catching up with me finally and I'm glad I had a few days off to deal with it all.

Another reason it might be particularly hard right now is because a few days ago I started writing my memoirs. Memoirs. That's such a fancy word for how straight up and dirty it feels to be jotting down all of your deepest, darkest memories and secrets. Anyways, whenever I take the time to share my story with someone, I always hear the same thing... "You should write a book!" So I am. Finally. I figure that if I'm ever going to purge this stuff and get it down, that now would be a good time to do it since the kids are gone and I have all the alone time in the world where I can get weepy or angry or whatever emotion might take me captive at that particular moment.

It's coming along. It's been three days and I have like 35 pages written. Some of it is flowing easier than I thought it would and other parts I find myself dancing around and avoiding like the plague. To jot them down as thoughts on a notepad or points in an outline is one thing, but to think about getting down and nitty gritty with them is totally another. Writing about all of the trauma and drama, beatings and abuse, my husband committing adultery and my next husband...well, committing the most unthinkable crime. It's devastating and difficult. But it's also healthy and productive to get all of this garbage out. Better out than in, right?

Every evening around dusk I make my way out onto my patio and write until my battery gets low and then I come back in. Before then and it's too hot outside, after that and I'm certain I'll get mugged or knifed sitting on a porch by myself in the dark. I know, I'm too afraid of life for my own good. I always wished I could be more footloose and fancy free and do things like sleep with the window open and stuff like that. I remember even as a little girl, probably third or fourth grade, whenever I would spend the night with my friend Marie, I would NEVER sleep because her family slept with all of their windows open. I couldn't sleep a wink. I can't believe any of them ever made it to adulthood or old age. Seriously, if I tried that, I would have an intruder the very first time...that's just the kind of luck I have and it's scary.

So back to the writing... whenever things start to get too much, I find myself avoiding. One of my favorite things to do is to go for a drive...especially at night. Just me, music blaring, heading down the highway. One of my favorite songs to forget about the world to is "An American Girl" by Tom Petty (posted above). It just relaxes me. I take it easy when I hear it. And I need to take it easy sometimes. Especially now when I'm awash in the hormonal haze. Pretty soon I'll be back to handlin' shit like a rapper. For now? I need all the help I can get.