6.20.2009

It got a little worse...and then God showed up.

Last night was really emotionally trying for me. I wish I could share the details of what went on with my kids and their dad, but out of respect for them and their privacy, I'm not going to. Suffice it to say, it came down to my kids being in a very, very bad situation with tempers flared way past where they should have been.

It was bad and being so far away from them made it even worse because I'm not there to fix it. I don't think that's completely by accident either, if I'm being honest. God has been slowly chipping away at me lately and I can see that he's trying to bring me to a point of surrender. Having gone through so much in the past sixteen years or so has toughened me and made me want to protect myself and my children as well as made me want to control situations to the best of my ability. That's the problem. God wants to be my protector.

Yes, I should use discernment before getting into certain situations, but I need to not have walls (mine are more like fortresses) up in order to try to do all of the work myself. I need to trust that when the stuff hits the fan, that He will be there to protect. By letting this situation occur with my kids when they are far enough away from me that I can't just hop in the car and drive across town to save them, it was just one more opportunity for the Lord to teach me to turn it over to him. I couldn't fix it; only He could. I can't tell you how hard that was for me.

Seriously, it was nearly debilitating for me to feel so powerless. I was in a bad place last night knowing that my children were in a very bad situation and I could do NOTHING. It left me with tears and snot flowing in a near fetal position on my kitchen floor. At first I was so mad that as I was sobbing, I was wanting to punch walls and destroy things. Then it turned more into sadness and grief. Then it was just surrender because I could do nothing about it. I had to trust God to take care of it.

I eventually went to bed feeling sad and tearful, but somewhat peaceful. It is what it is, I figured. This morning, however, I woke up to some more bad news about the same situation and I had to figure out how to deal with it all over again. My response was less angry this time but the grief began to wash over me. The whole thing was just too reminiscent of things I have gone through in the past and my heart is broken for my kids knowing that they had to experience what they just did and see what they just saw. All I want is to bring all of my kids home and cover them with my wings...but I can't. And they're almost grown...I can't cover them forever. There is only one person who can and that's God. I have to surrender this fear that history will repeat itself and trust him to protect us.

Today I woke up and went to get my hair trimmed. I'm still working on growing out a bad haircut and needed my layers touched up. I'm not crazy about the haircut (as usual), but I am thrilled with what happened at the salon. I went to a salon I had never been to before and I took the first appointment they had available. The only thing I can think of to equate this visit to is:

Hebrews 13:2....
"Be not forgetful to entertain strangers,
for thereby some have entertained angels unawares."

Have you ever been around someone that you can almost tangibly feel the comforting, peaceful, lovingness of the Holy Spirit dripping off of? Well, that is how this woman was. She was a black woman in her mid 40's named Meshelle and she is amazing. I first noticed that this was going to be something different when she was washing my hair. I'm telling you, I've had hundreds of hair-washings and head-massages at salons, but there seemed to be this relaxing power that flowed out of her hands and into my head. I almost fell asleep in the chair and when I stood up, I was literally dizzy and felt stoned.

After successfully making it back to her station, I was simply trying to make small talk like you do with a hairdresser. It was polite, nothing too heavy or personal. She had just asked me about my job here and I was telling her a little about the mess that is my current facility. She quietly walks around to the front of the chair and looks me in the eye with the most powerful, intense gaze. She doesn't even ever ask if I'm a Christian because somehow she just knows. She looks deep in my eyes with an intensity I have trouble putting into type and says, "You need to claim this. God has this for you and none of these weapons that have tried to rise against you recently are going to prosper. You know exactly what I'm talking about, don't you. You need to rebuke what's there to harm you and bless what's around you, because God has this for you."

She continues to stare into my eyes as I gape at her with an open mouth. I shake my head yes, letting her know that I know what she's talking about and then try to go back to normal conversation but am honestly a little shaken and have trouble making my voice not sound shaky. The way she looked at me is like she knew everything about me and was sent just to tell me that message. But it's not over yet...

She asks a question (I can't remember what it was because I was still shaken, but it was something that alluded to my past with the evil one and writing a book about it----I KNOW! RIGHT?) I respond completely shocked and say, "I AM considering writing a book about it! I've been putting it off for a long time though because I feel like it's all healed and put away and I don't really want to dig it all up again."

She stand with her eyes closed and shaking her head no as I finish my sentence, then says, "It's not for YOU. God has spoken so strongly to my heart about this, I don't even need to know the details. This book is not for YOU. It is for HIM and for all of the people that he has planned to read it and be helped from it. You are a healer and you've been ignoring a large part of your gift because you're afraid to let Him in there and use you. It's time for you to do this."

Once again, if you could only get a glimpse of the way this actually went down. It's not like casually talking to someone, it was like I went and sought out a spiritual leader or a prophet and they were giving me a message straight from God. I felt like I needed to take of my shoes because I was on holy ground in that salon! She also said that she has a book that she has had no idea why she's had for ages, but she now knows that it is for me. She said, "I'll bring it in for you to come pick up or I'll bring it to you. Either way, it is my job to get you this book. It's on different scripture that pertain to different things that God has done and different ways that he has and will heal you. He has things for you to do in this life girl!"

I left there feeling recharged and renewed like I remembered my purpose and also a little embarassed like someone had just been able to look inside my spiritual underwear drawer or something. I definitely feel like God showed up and looked me square in the eyes though. I love when he is faithful to show up even in the most bizarre and creative of ways. Even during a holy haircut.

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