The thought of writing something reflecting on the past year and how wonderful it was, how much I learned, etc. etc. has crossed my mind several times. Unfortunately, I couldn't think of a single thing to say along those lines. *sigh* Truth is that this past year pretty much sucked. Sucked ass actually and I am plenty happy to see it go.
2007 brought alot of arguing, drama, heartache, more financial trouble and health issues. It also reaffirmed to me that I still suck at picking men. At a much-older-than-my-years-35, I am still way too naive, trusting and forgiving for my own good--no, I still haven't totally learned that life lesson yet. I love the idea of being married--of being a team--of the give and take of it all. Too bad for me that I seem to have voluntarily taken on a situation that still leaves me feeling like a team of ONE and it's all me giving and him taking. It's not lost on me how negative I've been lately...believe me, I get it and sometimes I even get on my own nerves--but it is what it is and either my marriage/life will get better with time, God's help and Scotts medication....or it will get better with time, God's help and enough medication for me so that I just don't care how rotten things are anymore! What also sucks is that I'm only partially kidding.
I find that even on the good days when things are peaceful and nice...it's still not enough. This isn't what I want. I'm totally willing to take the blame for it because he is obviously who he is, whether I saw it at first or not. I can't ask him to become someone different...that would be impossible. Oh, I can ask him to manage himself better, but that's exactly what I'm getting at...even when he's managed better, it's still not what I want. Yeah, I know the whole "you're just expecting too much...love is a decision...on and on ad nauseum", but I can't believe this is what I got myself into. I want someone who engages me, seduces me, laughs at my jokes, makes me laugh at theirs. Someone who is up on current events or knows something about culture. I want someone who is willing to *cough, cough* work for a living.
Does all of this make me a witch? Maybe. I'm willing to own that though. I'm only part-way through this thing called life and, therefore have a looooong way to go honey! I don't want to stay this way. I want to be with someone who, if God-forbid they left, would leave my life with such a gaping hole I would have trouble recovering. That's what I thought I had...but I acted to quickly.
Needless to say I have decided that (warning...corny cliche coming up!) I'm gonna be GREAT IN '08! LOL...yeah I know, I shouldn't have gone there...but I sooo did! lol It's going to be great because either it's going to get better...oh, so much better! (which honestly is my prayer...I love Scott, I don't want to see him gone) Or it's going to get worse and then better...because this is the deciding year. This is the year that will tell me what my future will look like with a new and improved, medicated husband. Please Lord let it be better.
On top of all that ugly relationship stuff, I'm going back to school in two weeks (cause I don't have enough on my plate right?). Hopefully it won't be too hard though. It's all online through Indiana Wesleyan University. It's an 18 month program and the only clinical I have is in like the last month or so when I have to shadow a manager at work. YAY ME!! When I was checking into signing up for a similar program through University of Akron, there were a ton of prerequisites (lots more chemistry and biology...blah!, foreign languages and phys ed--yeah right!), whereas this program has NO prereq's. WOOT WOOT!
I just got the official ok from the doc to come off of my chemo...which is great since I took myself off about a month ago anyways. :) The side effects were just too much and I didn't feel it was doing any good anyways. He agreed and said that he thinks the key to getting my lupus under control right now is: decreased stress and anxiety and increased quality of sleep. So since I couldn't leave Scott at the doctors office, he gave me pills to bring home. lol He gave me a stronger anti-depressant, some anxiety medication for when I need it and a different (stronger) med to help me sleep. I haven't taken the last two much because I don't want to be drooling on my keyboard from being so stoned, but it's nice to know that I have them if I need them.
This year has seen me grow closer to some of my friends (including some wonderful new ones) and grow distant from some of my old friends. My hair got a little shorter and my butt got a little bigger. I grew a little closer to the Lord and got back to meditating (which I have let slip a little, but am immediately going to fix that--I hope). I finally got that pesky ex-husband out of my house and I agreed to temporarily "see how it goes" with my son going with him...so far, not so bad, espcially on this end. Much more peaceful. I've started researching my family tree and learned some really fascinating things. I ACTUALLY STARTED WRITING A BOOK (finally!) and it's going pretty well. I've determined to get published (in some capacity...even if only some magazine articles) this coming year.
Overall, I would say that the arch of 2007 went something like this: disappointment, anger and betrayal--> drama and crisis--> coming back to my own and getting centered again. Continuing on my own journey and saying "this is the direction I'm headed...I would love for you to come with me. If not, God bless you, but I'm still going on my own."
I hope you all have a wonderful 2008 right along with me...full of growth, renewal and joy...not just happiness, but JOY.
The thought of writing something reflecting on the past year and how wonderful it was, how much I learned, etc. etc. has crossed my mind several times. Unfortunately, I couldn't think of a single thing to say along those lines. *sigh* Truth is that this past year pretty much sucked. Sucked ass actually and I am plenty happy to see it go.
All of the broken marriages, heartache, illness, money troubles....they have all led me to where I am today...a woman, who used to be a girl, who one step at a time has developed an eternal, nourishing, loving relationship with a heavenly father who plucked me from the pits of hell at the age of 15. Now, no matter what troubles come my way, I know what my future holds (in the big picture anyways).
My wish for the coming year is that I would have a bigger burden for souls.....I want to have a renewed boldness when it comes to telling people about him and how much he loves them. May I be a better wife, mother, friend, child, relative, employee, coworker...and most importantly, may I be a better child to Him.
"Take me, make me, break me...I am pierced" are lyrics to one of my favorite songs. Those lyrics remind me of another set of lyrics I heard recently that said "we all have to be cracked...that's how the light gets in." Once upon a time I prayed and wished to be unbroken, but not anymore, because to be unbroken would mean there was no crack for the light to get in. He is faithful to heal. He is the lover of my soul.
On this holiday in particular I am always reminded of how so many people in the world wish they could have a Christmas with no Christ. Christians are the one minority that it's still ok to bash and in-turn so many of us tend to keep our lips zipped when we shouldn't...and unfortunately, some of us run our mouths in inappropriate ways and end up giving all Christians a bad name. In my opinion that's RELIGION...not CHRISTIANITY. If you've ever been turned off by an experience like that...by someone who would rather smack you with their Bible than grab you and hug you, then this is for you. If only for this one moment out of all the moments in your whole life, would you please take just a second to consider what I have to say?
There is a God who loves you...not in theory, as some abstract thing out there...but as a living person loving you. He knew who you were before he even created the world and he knew every shady, crappy thing that you would ever do...and he loved you anyways. He loved you so much that the thought of you spending eternity away from him was too much for him to bear, and so he came to be the sacrifice for your sin that you could never afford. It's paid for! All you have to do is ask for it.
The thing about Jesus is...he's such a gentleman that he will never force himself into your life...he gives us free will and lets us make whatever decision we want. So he sits there waiting and hoping that someday...oh someday! Someday maybe you'll ask him in! This is about a relationship...not rules. Whoever tells you it's about a bunch of legalistic rules is off the mark. Once you have the relationship, there might be some things you want to change, but it's never about the rules. It's about the LOVE. He loves you. Period. And he wants you to love him too.
If you're unsure about it, that's ok. Talk to him and tell him that...he already knows anyways. If you're mad at him...tell him that, because he already knows that too. All praying is is talking to him. Tell him you want to know him, but are unsure...or are hurt and angry. Ask him to change it and show you the truth...because he will. Don't you want that anger to soften? Don't you want to know for sure? In your heart of hearts you know that you do...even if you never admit it out loud.
He loves you today, and so do I. God bless every single one of you this Christmas...may the reality of what this holiday is really about sink into your heart and may you never be the same after today. :)
I was planning on blogging on her tonight, but for a different reason that I'll get to in a little bit. When looking through her pictures I was looking through the critical mom eye and thinking things like "girl, you need to put those boobies away for real! Oh, you're getting grounded for that one!"--then one of them just reached up and grabbed me. I'm talking instant tears. Total visceral reaction. Oh my God...she's almost grown. She's almost grown. She's almost grown. For all intents and purposes, she is grown. This is most definitely an "extra grace needed" moment.
She's been babysitting lately. I've always had my excuses (I could always come up with something) as to why I wouldn't let her do this earlier, but I have to admit what the whole world already knew...I have (in ways, at least) been so over-protective of her, wanting to hold her tight in my hand and fight her tooth-and-nail for every inch of freedom and independence she gets. Truth is, these kids are my life. I never thought there was any truth to that before, but actually it's complete truth. No matter what else or who else I had going on in my life, these four little ones have been the only earthly things keeping me grounded and alive. They have kept me working when I felt like sleeping, they have kept me from committing suicide when I was that low, and it was because of them....because of her that I finally got out of the worst relationship of my life (too late unfortunately).
As much as I love silence now, what will I actually do when my house is quiet for good? As I'm writing this, my three little women are in the kitchen baking Christmas cookies...without me. They've taken what I've taught them over the years and they're applying it. They don't need me. That's something to be proud of, for sure...but oh God how it breaks my heart! I'm hiding in my office so they don't see me crying because I never want to hinder their independence or let them know that I'm anything but proud of them for moments like this...but the searing reality of it is that if feels like my heart is being wrenched from my chest with the heavy thought of in a few short years one of them leaving. Then another. Then another. Then another. What will I do then? Who will I be? I know that life goes on, I should be proud, blah blah blah...I know, I know. I've comforted many people with those same lines before...but those weren't my kids leaving. I get it now.
Have I done enough? Have I taught them well enough? Will they stay in church? Will they remain chaste, finish college, build good credit? Only time will tell I suppose, but today was a really good lesson for my Corky. I thought I was going to have to go into work late and cleared that with my boss, then found out Scott was supposed to come home tonight so I had to call off work so I could go get him. Turns out he probably won't get out until tomorrow and so at first I was regretting the whole calling off thing. I already know I'm going to get written up for it, but as it turns out I wouldn't trade it for the world--I'd do it all over again.
Like I was saying earlier, Courtney has been babysitting lately and being the generous soul she has always been she has been burning with desire to go Christmas shopping and spend her money on everyone but herself. At first I was irritated and wishing she would just let me freakin' relax for one night but soon became grateful for the huge lesson I was about to observe.
First of all, let me explain that I've always had my kids do some errand running...not necessarily out of laziness on my part (well ok, sometimes it is...but not always! lol), but more out of teaching them how to go do things and not be afraid. When I became an adult I was afraid of EVERYTHING. I usually hid it well, but I tended to stay in my house all the time, or not want to speak in public, etc. I was afraid of everything that I didn't know well because I never wanted to look stupid or have to ask a question. So I tend to give them a list in the grocery store parking lot and say "now go get it." I don't want them to live their lives in fear--I want them to grab life by the reins and ride it for all they can get out of it.
Anyways... secretly biting my nails, I dropped Courtney off at the mall with her two little sisters to buy my Christmas gift and managed to repeat "please watch them close! And hold their hands!" about twenty times before they got out of the car. I thought it was kind of amusing that the look of glee and excitement on Courtney's face had totally changed upon exiting the store! haha She's so much like me it cracks me up! She can't hide what she's thinking or feeling for the life of her...no such thing as a poker face in this family! lol So she opens the car door, brow furrowed and exclaims, "MAN! HOW THE HECK DOES MONEY GO SO STUPID FAST??? WHAT'S THE SENSE IN WORKING SO MUCH WHEN YOU'RE BROKE BY THE END OF THE DAY ANYWAYS??? IT'S SO FREAKIN' STUPID!!! UGGGHHHH!!!!"
I felt bad, but couldn't help laughing at her which ticked her off even more. lol So I say, "so what did you get me???" And she growls, "NOTHING! I was broke by the time I bought everyone else's gifts!"
"Oh, I see how you are! Buy the whole world a gift except for the one person who is driving you all over God's green earth and actually gave BIRTH to you!"
"I didn't know I was going to be broke so fast! And quit worrying, I still have SOME set back that I planned on saving." She spit out with tears in her eyes. I comforted her by reminding her that I was only kidding and that she didn't have to get me anything...I appreciated the thought and all the hard work she's been doing. Then I go on teasing her by asking her where she's taking us out to eat. :) I tell her that my gift can be her running into the hospital for me and getting our free turkey...out of wanting to teach her independence, of course! (ok, total lie...this one was complete laziness!) She comes bounding out of the hospital swinging that turkey by the rope handle ready to knock someone down and I can see that she's still disappointed and ticked off about the money. So I tease her some more and remind her that I'm hungry and want her to take me out to eat.HAHAHA Yeah, I crack myself up! *snicker, snort* :)
Then my little girl went above and beyond and although she was still battling with the pouty attitude she asked if I could stop at the grocery store for her and when she came out she had bought supplies to help the girls make Christmas cookies tonight. Yep...first sign of laughter turning into "awww!" tears. Then she says, "what did you want to eat mom?". As I remind her that I was only kidding with her, that I was going to cook dinner when we got home, she insisted that we stop at Dairy Queen so that she could get everyone some food. At first I kind of argued with her about it telling her that she did not need to spend her money on this, that I was just kidding and we didin't need anything...but she wouldn't hear it. She then asks the girls what kind of blizzard they want for dessert! I remind her that if she thinks her money went fast in the mall, her head's gonna spin after this! I tell her that I just bought ice cream at home and her response was, "yeah, well that's not dairy queen! These girls have been so good and patient...they need a reward." And she proceeded to buy everyone dinner and dessert.
I took this opportunity to talk to her at length about money and finances...and still ribbed her alot about it, throwing in things like "are you sure you don't want to go anywhere else? You wanna stop and fill up my gas tank too money bags?" lol She wasn't amused. I reminded her that she has to keep a good attitude, because if she pouts about this kind of stuff it negates all of the good intention and blessing that she's trying to put out there. Then I tell her just how proud I am of her and how happy she makes me. I then exlaim, "I'M SOOOOO BLOGGING ABOUT YOU TONIGHT!!!" :)
Her response was, "AS LONG AS I DON'T HAVE TO PAY FOR IT." heehee
As much trouble as she has had here and there, she really is such a good girl. All of my girls are, but she was my guinea pig! lol She was the test batch....and she's turning out pretty darned good. I'm so proud of her and am so happy that she is who she is. I love her so much and have reminded her countless times over the years that she is the one that God chose to make me a mom....that's a special thing and she will always have a special place in my soul.
Happy sweet....strike that, make it sassy sixteen my Courtney "Corky Corkia"..... I love you to the moon and back ( a couple of times!). May you live a long, happy, peaceful, prosperous life full of wonderful (but not too harsh) lessons and opportunities. You make me smile...even when I don't want to. You are beautiful inside and out (you better thank your lucky sauce you took after me!!! lol) and you have God's fingerprints all over you.
Be sweet, make good decisions, moisturize twice a day and don't forget to floss. Never buy a boy a gift before he buys you one and pray as often as you can...constantly actually. Don't be afraid to put color on your walls and always pay your bills on time...it keeps your credit good and gives you a good testimony. Always befriend the person who is new or being made fun of. Don't automatically fall for the "hot" guy...he'll probably be the fastest to break your heart. Don't over-do your eyeliner, don't over-pluck your eyebrows and wash your hands as often as possible. Never pass the sink without taking a drink, wipe front to back and stay away from tartar-control toothpaste (you know it splits the corners of your mouth open). Stay OUT of that freakin' tanning bed...no SERIOUSLY...stay out of it! Smile as much as you can....with your eyes and not just your mouth. Stay sweet, but stay sassy. Never be with a boy who doesn't appreciate your sense of humor and never forget where you came from. You come from some strong women honey...if you get knocked down, you get right back up! If you need help, ask for it and make sure to forgive. Don't forget, but do forgive.
I love you my sweetie girl.
I came out to ask Scott to be quiet because he was (as usual) manic and still up at 3 in the morning. To my surprise, he wasn't drilling on anything...he had been sneezing. lol So, I said "God bless you" and went back to bed. An hour later the bedroom door flies open and he comes flying in, startling me awake. I say "What are you doing?"
"I found their power supply..." *very slurred, almost incoherent speech* Then he starts litterally trying to pull the closet door apart....pulling and wrenching at all the wood trying to bust the door apart.
"What the hell are you doing???" *more angry now and jumping out of bed*
"I'm getting at their power supply" *he stops and shines a flashlight into the closet and moves his head trying to peer around God-only-know-what he's seeing in his mind.
"What medication have you taken?"
"What are you talking about???" *incoherent*
I go into the office and look for his pill boxes (that we just filled and set out). They're empty, having been dumped out on his desk and only a few various pills are left scattered on the desk....and several pills that I can't identify. I ask him several times what pills those are and he stumbles around pretending to look in imaginary places that only he can see. I finally give up on him and grap all of his pill bottles and the containers and head to the bedroom. I lock the door behind me just in case.
Needless to say he was way too stoned on what overdose he took to think about bothering me...he could barely handle himself and whatever imaginary world he was in. I sat on the bed and the pill containers that had been full for the week were now totally empty. I had a couple of pills that were laying on the desk (like I said...several of them that I don't recognize). I start filling back up the slots to see what we have and almost everything's gone. EVERYTHING. Even brand new scripts that we just got were 3/4 gone.
I go back out to check on him and he's leaning on the counter with his head hung...I'm wondering if he's sleeping but I can hear him still talking to himself. I then hear water running and look in the bathroom and he had left the sink running and it was overflowing. So I clean that up and go call the Nord Center's crisis line. They take all of the information and tell me to ask him if it would be ok to go get checked out medically (yeah right). So I do and he mumbles "I guess so." So I have to hang up and call 911....something I'm really freakin tired of having to do....this is ridiculous! But I digress...I tell them what happened and what the Nord Center said and after asking me basic questions they ask me things like "is he breathing?" I respond "well, for now anyways...he's pretty far gone and I don't know what he took or how much."
By this time they have me on a 3-way call between the ambulance and the police station. The officer asks me name, I tell her and she says......"ooooooh. *cricket cricket* this is Scott." *DUM-DUM-DUMMMMMMM* (Cue the scary music). Yeah, I guess they know him now. So they decide to send their officers out here too....and the fire department. It was a big party....me in my robe with bed-head, 4 firemen, their fire chief, 3 (or more) paramedics, and a few cops...all in my dining room at 4:30 am. I'm trying to "shoosh" this crowd with not much luck because I can only imagine how scared my kids would be walking out into this mess. I can only imagine what my neighbors think seeing (all with flashing lights on mind you!) a few cop cruisers, firetruck, police chiefs truck and an ambulance surrounding my house. *rolling eyes*
I'm trying to get Scott dressed like a baby because he can't even do that he's so looped. So about four of them held him up while he pretty much drug his feet out of the house trying to walk but unable to.
The hospital is supposed to call me when they know something. The one thing he was able to get out coherently was "you aren't coming with me?" I simply responded "No. I have a family to take care of Scott." And they took him away.
He looked so hurt by that, but I feel "too bad!" My life is going to QUIT stopping whenever he does something STUPID like this. He's sick, yes. But he has every capability and resource to manage it well and fankly, he should be EMBARRASSED to let people know that he's not managing himself well. I told him yesterday, "you don't want to make a name for yourself in these hospitals Scott....IT'S NOT NORMAL TO HAVE TO GO IN FOR PSYCH EVALUATION OVER AND OVER AND OVER. MANAGE YOURSELF!!! GET IT RIGHT!!! BE STABLE!!!!" He thinks I'm unsympathetic, and maybe he's right. I'm willing to stand with you and assist you as you take care of yourself, but I'm not going to coddle a co-dependent, lazy, won't-manage-himself grown-ass man! Handle your shit!!!! Unfortunately that's become one of my mantras lately.....HANDLE YOUR SHIT!!!
God might make the way, but faith is an action that requires MOTION. He heals someone and tells them to TAKE UP YOUR MAT AND WALK (action!), heals the blind and tells them to GO WASH THEIR EYES (action!). He never said to keep on laying there in the same sick position you've always been in and let other people cater to your lazy butt....no!!! HANDLE YOUR SHIT!!! (my words, not Jesus' obviously. lol)
So I sit here exhausted after the few hours of sleep that I got wondering once again what to do now. I'm praying that they keep him for a while. I really don't even care if he misses Christmas...that's really ok with me. I need the peace here and the angst gone. COME WELL OR DON'T COME AT ALL. (my other mantra).
It's no secret that money has been tight lately. Much tighter than normal, actually. Last month when all the "stuff" was going on here in our lives I had to call off several times from work (for various reasons). At the time I just shrugged my shoulders in acceptance and muttered a simple "ok Lord, you've gotta provide" kind of prayer. Since then the belt has squeezed tighter and tighter and I've been starting to pray harder and harder.
Today I got irritated with Scott because he had taken $40.00 out of the bank to go buy a few very basic groceries...because we had NOTHING. No joke. Old mother Hubbard had nothing on me honey! lol I snapped at him that now everything was going to bounce in the checking account and he snapped at me asking what did I expect him to do then because we had NO food. I knew he was right and I wasn't really snapping at him because he did wrong, but out of stress and exasperation.
On the way to work I was praying about it, and while I never doubt God (because we have never starved before!) I still knew that it was getting to "that" point...we needed help! So I was praying and asking God to please help us and saying that I knew he would...he promised that he would...and he always has before. The thought had crossed my mind of how nice it would be to find money laying around somewhere, then I felt guilty because that meant someone else would have to lose it for me to find it. I thought GREAT!! Now I have GUILT for a hypothetical finding of money!! LOL So I kept praying and was saying something along the lines of how I didn't want anyone else to suffer by losing any money for me to find, but I knew God was capable of dropping it right there on the ground for me to find. PLEASE LORD, JUST DROP SOME IN THE PARKING LOT...I PROMISE I'LL FIND IT AND LOOK FOR IT. Ok, I recognize how crazy that sounds...but if you've ever been bordering on desperate I'm sure you get it.
So I get out of my car at the hospital and with full faith I just KNOW that there will be some money laying there for me. God KNOWS that I need it! I walk towards the building while looking between every single car and in every single snow bank for money laying around...don't you know there was none?
So I walk into the building chastising myself for being so ridiculous and stupid that I would honestly believe God woul just put money there for me to find and I go about my shift.
About half-way through my shift my phone rings. Our secretary is on the other end and in a serious tone of voice says "I need you to come back to 2 south right away." Ok, that was weird...it must be really serious. I just say "I'll be right there", and I literally run up the stairs and book it towards my floor. I arrive totally short of breath and see her just sitting there. I yell down the hall "what's going on??? is everything ok???" She just smiles at me.
As I approach the desk, she holds an envelope up for me that has my name on it. It's obvious that I'm confused so she says, "every year our unit chooses someone to sponsor for the holidays and this year we chose you." Even now my eyes are burning hot with tears and my chin is quivering thinking about it. Before she can even get the words out I burst into tears and run around the desk and throw myself on her sobbing. I start gushing about how much this was needed and appreciated...she has no idea, blah blah blah. I sit down and keep crying--it's near impossible to compose myself as I'm deep into the heavy cry by now.
Here it was....my miracle. She said, "WELL AREN'T YOU GOING TO OPEN IT???" And I just laid my hand on top of it and shook my head "no" while continuing to cry. I said, "I don't have to. I know it's whatever I need." *Cue even heavier crying* By this point she's crying with me and says, "come on...open it." So I do and there's a $100.00 gift card to Giant Eagle (our local grocery store) and a $100.00 gift card to Kohls (a local department store). This group of seven or eight women had pulled together to bless my family for no reason at all other than because I am. I didn't have to earn it, beg for it, steal it...just because God moved on their hearts to bless me.
The whole time I sat there bawling all I could think of how I was hearing Gods voice in my head telling me that I was his child.....and I don't have to look in the gutter to find his help. I tend to think so little of myself and think I'm so undeserving that all I deserve is to scrape something out of the gutter and be grateful for it. But because of Christ...and only because of Christ...I am a child of the king. I have been adopted into the family and I am entitled to provision, protection and inheritance. Then God made me laugh because I heard him say, "and you don't have to look in the snow, girl! This is 2007...we have gift cards now!" lol Our God truly is an awesome God...and he is seldom early, but he is never late.
A new friend of mine had left a comment on one of my previous blogs today and she ended her comment with "Eyes upward!". My heart immediately sang in agreement and I thought that's right. Stop search every gutter for your blessing....EYES UPWARD!
Alot of self-examination over the years and especially lately has reminded me that my relationships--overall--SUCK. I have a few close friends (my babes) that are loyal, caring and awesome friends, and my kids are wonderful...other than that, fuggedabout it! The truth of the matter is that I tend to be too accepting, I give myself away way too easily and I'm too forgiving (to a fault). Loyalty is my best--and my worst--assett. Unfortunately, the other ugly fact of the matter is that all my wonderful qualities are so seldom appreciated--or even noticed by the people in my life. As Oprah said, all I want is to be noticed, heard and appreciated.
I've held out hope after hope after hope that this will happen with certain people in my life--mainly my husband--and it never does. The saddest thing is that he thinks he's the best at doing this, but he's probably on the short-list of being the worst at it that I've ever met. I was so jealous of a woman I heard on tv that was talking about her husband who had died, and she said that she missed talking to him the most out of anything. She said that they used to talk for hours every morning about life and everything else and he was so interested in what she had to say. I asked myself, being someone who has so much to say and so many ideas, thoughts, insights and opinions...how did I pick someone to be my life partner who 1) doesn't converse 2) especially doesn't converse with ME 3) doesn't see who I am 4) could care less about finding out who I am 5) doesn't appreciate the fact that he would have pretty much no life at all if it weren't for me....etc, etc, etc.
It really saddens me that I feel that I get nothing from this relationship that I couldn't pay someone to provide for me. I can pay someone to cook sometimes, I can pay someone to do some occassional maintenance, I can pay someone to keep an eye on the kids three times a week when I go to work, etc. Anything substantial that I want and/or need from a life partner I don't get even a little bit. Communication...no. Physical affection...not much. Provision...not even a little bit. Understanding...doesn't even try. Leadership....yeah, right. Everything he promised me in the beginning was a sham. Every way that he represented himself to be was a lie. He doesn't see it...I don't even think he's capable of seeing it.
Normally I would never post a blog like this publicly, but truthfully I think only an act of God will make him see it because he could care less what I have to say. He just doesn't care.... so niether do I right now. Maybe him knowing that the world knows how he really is will convince him he needs to do better...but it will probably just give him another reason to say everything is my fault.
Today I drove from Cleveland to Dayton, which is normally a 3 1/2 hour trip. It ended up being a major blizzard on the way there, took us SIX AND A HALF and we saw 22..count them! 22 accidents on the way here. It was only by God's grace that we got here ok...no joke. Scott decided at the last minute that he "didn't feel like going" and let me drive through this crap by myself with all the kids...and didn't even call to check on us until after four hours (when as far as he knew I should have already been there). When Courtney told him I couldn't talk because I was driving through a blizzard...HE NEVER CALLED BACK TO CHECK ON US. AT ALL. That was the last straw...I was hurt, abandoned and PISSED. That showed me once and for all that if he's not facing getting something out of the situation he could care less about it. There's not a sacrificial bone in his body and he could care less what happened to us. When I said all of this to him, he denied it of course...but the die was cast. I know it, I feel it and I am closing down. It's been little by little lately, but today did it--I can feel the countdown has started.
I really hope that he does something drastic and fast to cancel the countdown, because all I know is that I don't want to live like this. What I want is to be heard, appreciated...desired. Hell, I'd even settle for him USING my body once and a while! lol Dang, just do something!!! I'm tired and lonely. Watching that Oprah show tonight and being asked the question, "what would you do if you knew you only had an hour to live?" made me think. Would I want to spend it with my husband? I don't know...I don't think he'd miss me anyways. And that's sad. Really, really sad. I hope something changes...and it's been declared publicly now. Let's see what he does with it.
I felt through the whole service that it was a word JUST FOR ME....you know how that goes. But seriously, this was directly for me and it confirmed it when the pastor said something really powerful and stopped and said "And that is a special word for someone in this audience because I didn't say that to either of the other services...only here. So that it for someone where God is working in special areas in your life right now...he's speaking to you and you know who you are." Yep, I knew who I was.
The service started out after the praise music by one of the pastors coming up and talking very movingly about how he knows some of the people there have been in a battle for their lives lately and for the lives of their loved ones. AMEN TO THAT! He went on to talk about how important our job in the battle is. It's our JOB as fellow christians and family members to fight the battle and take care of the wounded. When you are in battle that strong NOTHING else matters except for saving the life of the wounded one. Time stops, money doesn't matter, food, shopping, none of it...only saving the life of the person that is under attack by the enemy. Then he said "Christians you need to stay STRONG! I can feel that someone in here has been going through this exact thing and you've literally been battling hell and demons for the life of your loved one! DON'T GET WEARY because the battle isn't over yet...but as long as God as SOMETHING to work with, he'll bring your miracle! He worked with the fish and the loaves and took care of every need...because he had SOMETHING to work with. You don't have to be perfect or even strong all the time...you just have to be able to give him something...your fait, your devotion, your willingness, your prayers...because the power isn't in the prayer--it's in the one who hears it!
By this point I was sobbing and in tears don't you know? lol All that kept crossing my mind through this whole sermon was the reserch I've been doing for one of my books lately on wwii medics. I've read story after story of the brave, strong medics being sent onto the battlefield over and over...not because they needed fixed, but because there was a fellow soldier out there who did. The leader sent them into battle to help the sick and wounded. They couldn't fix them...they could give them some medicine...then they had to help carry the wounded to the one who COULD fix them. The stretchers were called "litters" and the medics that carried them were called "litter bearers".
Hearing this and thinking about my home situation I kept being reminded the parrallels. God has placed me as a litter bearer so many times in my life! I'm tired Lord! lol But right now it's my job. I didn't pick it, it was appointed to me. My job is to see that man sick and under attack and help him get to where he can't get himself....to help and healing. I have to have faith enough for my entire family right now.
Thinking about all of this I was reminded of some pretty harsh things a friend of mine said to me the other night. I felt like I got spiritually sucker-punched by her. I respect her and love her, but know that she doesn't spend any time at all with me to know my home life or my personality very well. She ambushed me in the hallway at work and told me that she felt she was friend enough to tell me that I need to look at the fruit in my life and see that there isn't any and so obviously what I'm doing isn't working, because if I had any power in my life I wouldn't have this attack on my house and I would be able to speak in tongues. LOL yeah! I was so insulted thinking that she doesn't know anything about me, plus Allison reminded me that I DO have fruit in my life and that God sends these tests to refine us for HIS good. And that it says that he prunes those that he loves so that he can bear even more fruit.
I've been praying pretty hard about it and asking God if there was any truth to it, etc...and I've just been reminded over and over that I'm in battle right now...and I'm obediently doing what I should be doing. That's good enough for me! If God wants me to move, he'll tell me.
This blog didn't turn out to be anything like what I planned for it to be...but it's 4 in the morning and I'm tired and don't even know if any of this makes sense! lol So I'm calling it a night and going to bed. I love you all and appreciate you all too. My hearts desire is to touch, inspire and move as many people in my life towards Christ as I possibly can. As long as I'm still moving in that direction every day then I'm ok with myself. God rewards obedience...and I'm trying to do my best even when my flesh argues with me. That's about all I can do day after day.
My emotional and psychological states have been at every point of the spectrum on any given day. As soon as some sympathy and love start to penetrate my soul all it takes is a simple thought to swing me back around to anger, betrayal and eventual melancholy. No one is born knowing how to deal with this kind of stuff--all we can do is make it up as we go along and it's interesting now two weeks into this journey to look back and see the arc of my reaction.
I started out needing to talk. Talk alot. I needed to vent, rehash, process it all in and outside of my brain. That's not normally what I do, but this time that's what I needed. I got it all out and then some. I was angry--and I allowed myself to feel it. I was bitter, pissed off, depressed--you name it I was feeling it. Then i hit rock bottom and just felt that I couldn't walk another step. I broke down and cried out to God letting him know that I just couldn't take one more thing. NOT ONE MORE.
Even through all the messes in my life I don't think I've been to that point before. I've always felt too strong to be at that point...even when I thought I was weak I still had the mindset of "we're gonna figure this out and get through it...it will all be ok!". This time I just didn't know. Not only did I not know, but I didn't want to know and didn't care about knowing. I didn't care if the whole world fell away.
As much as I needed to talk in the beginning that quickly went away. I had one of the strongest needs of my whole life to be in solitude. I've turned off the ringers on my phones several days, I've had the tv off most of the time, and I've made several trips to goodwill after decluttering. It was an almost primal need to simplify my life and my space making it as calm, quiet and peaceful as I could get it.
One of the nice things that I've seen God using that for is to remind me who I am. What do I want? Not as part of a couple, not what do we want, but what do I want? I want to have my calm home back. I want the stupid effin' tv shut off most of the time. I want to read and write with mellow music playing. I want to buy something at the store and know that it will still be there the next day because no one has used it or taken it behind my back. I started meditating again. Basically I've stepped out of the whirl-wind and reclaimed my boundaries. I won't tell anyone else that they have to do things my way, but I know the way that I need to be and I know what I need in my life for it to be what I need and what is right.
Through this process I've become much calmer and more peaceful and I've moved through alot of the anger and found the capacity to be sympathetic again. That's who I was created to be...a nurturer...I need to help when I'm needed. That doesn't mean that I need to suffer and have dysfunction in my life. I can help without becoming incapacitated myself. One of the things they teach you in cpr class is that if someone is choking or drowning, sometimes you simply have to let them pass out before you can help them. That's because they are a crazy mess of struggle, panic and fury until they pass out--then they're lay there willing to let you help them.
That's kind of the situation I've been in. I almost needed to let someone self-destruct to a point that help could be forced on them and in the process I'm getting some of myself back too--instead of being pulled down by a panicked drowning person.
I don't know what will happen in the near future, that plot is still developing day by day. I know that dis-ease can't be back in my home. Stable, healthy, surrendered easiness can be though. Who knows what the outcome will be besides God? I guess that's why I just need to trust in him to take care of it and thank him for using this nasty experience to reintroduce me to myself...I missed me.
I'm reading (however slowly) Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. In one particular part of the book she's talking about Italy and trying to figure out why Italians have such beautiful art, music, cars, etc. when they have had such a war-torn history and make a mess of everything on a large scale...like wars and army's. She then recounts something that she had read in another book written by an italian on just this thing. Basically it said:
"Because the world is so corrupted, misspoken, unstable, exaggerated and unfair, one should trust only what one can experience with one's own senses, and this makes the senses stronger in Italy than anywhere in Europe." She also says, "In a world of disorder and disaster and fraud, sometimes only beauty can be trusted....Pleasure cannot be bargained down. And sometimes the meal is the only currency that is real. To devote yourself to the creation of beauty, then, can be a serious business--not always necessarily a means of escaping reality, but sometimes a means of holding on to the real when everything else is flaking away...My life had gone to bits....but I felt a glimmer of happiness when I started studying Italian, and when you sense a faint potentiality for happiness after such dark times you must grab onto the ankles of that happiness and not let go until it drags you face-first out of the dirt--this is not selfishness, but obligation. You were given life; it is your duty (and also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight."
That explains it. Looking back on my life I can see how when things seem to be crumbling or flaking away I instinctually am drawn to things that make me happy. I sit for hours searching for graphics and clipart that make me smile. I find songs that inspire me...and I decorate for Christmas.
For me, Christmas is a magical time. My heart responds to twinkle lights, smells and music. The covering up of the ordinary, everyday life with magic and wonderful garlands sparkly bits. It's the potential for a stolen kiss under the mistletoe. Laying on the carpet with your head under the tree and staring up at the lights through the branches. Seeing pretty wrapped packages with your name on them and knowing that someone thought just about you while they were picking it out. Everyone is usually on their best, most well-mannered behavior. Good tidings, happy thoughts. The kids are (for once) content to have the tv off and smile...actually SMILE while staring at the christmas tree. And most of the world comes together to celebrate my savior.
It's an awesome (and I say "awesome" in a way that means way more than the 80's slang for "cool!"...I mean leaves me in awe of) way that a red background with white snoflakes and a playlist of holiday music can spark such peace in my soul. Rachel's comment to me earlier says it all... "Your page makes me smile! :)"
That comment made me smile too. :) Because I know that her heart is hearing mine.
Right now with so much of my life crumbling around me I find my soul steering me towards my comfort places... and Christmas is a big one. Having said all of that, I don't think that it was any coincidence that the biggest disasters of my life have happened right around Christmas. I found out about the evil one hurting Courtney on December 18th. God knew I would need the comfort I guess. My father always takes care of me....and he knew last week that I would need a little Christmas, right this very minute!
I got a full tank of gas with the top rolled down
Theres a chill in my bones
I dont want to be left alone
So baby you can sleep while I drive
Ill pack my bag and load up my guitar
In my pocket Ill carry my harp
I got some money I saved
Enough to get underway
And baby you can sleep while I drive
Well go thorough tucson up to santa fe
And barbara in nashville says were welcome to stay
Ill buy you glasses in texas a hat from new orleans
And in the morning you can tell me your dreams
You know Ive seen it before
This mist that covers your eyes
Youve been looking for something
Thats not in your life
My intentions are true
Wont you take me with you
And baby you can sleep while I drive
Oh is it other arms you want to
Hold you the stranger
The lover youre free
Cant you get that with me
Come on baby lets get out of this town
I got a full tank of gas with the top rolled down
If you wont take me with you
Ill go before night is through
And baby you can sleep while I drive
My tears are burning my face. Oh how I wish things could be different. The girls are finally sleeping so now it's ok to be sad. And oh God how I'm so sad.
It's my anniversary. Officially my anniversary. This scene is so damn familiar to me... alone. Man gone. Belongings still sitting here as if the rapture came and stole him away. My intentions were so true. All I ever wanted was an ordinary life. Just an ordinary, even-keeled, faithful, loyal, God-serving life. I don't even need everything on my wish-list...just some of it. A friend lovingly pointed out my pattern with men today. I know it was meant in love, but it sucks to know that the one place I've struggled and tried so hard is the place I've been so unsuccessful at.
I know the pressure of the whole effin' world is on my shoulders to push him away, but for tonight. For just this moment in time I'm allowing myself to love him. To mourn the loss of what I thought would be and what I want so bad.
I wish we could just escape and get out of this town. My "dream man" and me....because I know that my "dream husband" and my real husband are two different things. He's in such a bad place. Even if he never is in my bed again I still want to see him better. I don't think he's ever, in his whole life, been "better". From the looks and sounds of it he's always been troubled. I want to see him better. He's not even close to the person I came to know and grew to love...he's gone into the blue. That blue place of depression. I've been there myself but I don't remember seeing anyone else there. I wish "blue" was like a country...a place that you could go to and find someone. Because if blue was a place, I would go there and find you. I would wrap myself around you and whisper how loved you are in your ears. And then I would bring you home again.
Happy Anniversary my love.... I wish you could be here.
I felt like crap tonight so I let Courtney take the girls trick-or-treating. She loved it...freedom without mom! (she's been grounded forever! lol) But I layed here feeling guilty for an hour-and-a-half. It's the first time I haven't gone since Courtney was born. But that's ok...it was much harder on me than on them. They could've cared less! lol They got their candy, that's all that mattered to them. they all looked cute though...I'll put a pic below this. Courtney's excited because she finally gets her braces off November 26th...after three long years! lol Hope you all had a good day!
In my other life romance is real. Times can be hard and trouble well-felt, but the music can take it all away. In my other life I am a princess in my own fairy tale. At least that's what I feel whenever I listen to "my music". The sounds, the smells, the colors....it's as real to me as if I had been standing there yesterday. Knowing I couldn't have been I talk to God about this all the time. I ask him how I have memories that I don't have? How do I have a nostalgia for someplace I've never been? The best that I can come up with is that when I was still up in Heaven, my Father knew how much I would love that era...so like a mother who lets her little girls play dress-up and make believe with her pearls and high-heels my Heavenly Father let me lay dreamily on my belly with my knees bent and hand under my chin while he pulled the clouds back for me and let me take it all in. Like a child who sneaks out of bed and secretly peeks out at the party his parents are having and dreams of being one of the growns ups...that's how I experienced the 20's, 30's and 40's. I must've lived it like a fairy tale from a distance....living it but not living it. Dreaming away my days in heaven...imagining the moment that my dad would finally let me go to the party.
In my other life I'm living my dream. In my real life I'm sitting here in my nightgown and underwear drinking some coffee from the coffee beanery and listening to my husband's off-key voice singing 80's music. *cynical stare*
So we decided on a basic plan of attack. Everyone's soooo excited because I normally don't do the whole "halloween" thing...FALL, yes...but not halloween. So we agreed on the basic ground rules... Spooky & creepy is ok...like spiders, bats & creepy crawlies. Death is NOT...no tombstones, arms sticking up out of the ground, etc. No gore or blood & guts. No evil...like pentagrams and the other nasty junk they have at the halloween store. Maybe a lighthearted skeleton here or there, but nothing bad. I explained to them that they needed to find a way to participate in these kinds of things and have fun without crossing the line and being dishonoring to God. That's my story and I'm sticking to it! lol Scott gave me a little bit of attitude along the way because he's a halloween freak and likes all the nasty gore and creepiness, but I stood my ground. He finally admitted that he saw my point and agreed.
So we decided to have some of it in the house...like the food and gifts, etc. And to have the rest in the backyard. We're going to set up a "haunted maze" which will just be a section of the yard cut off with a sheet running down the middle on a clothes line. The kids walk down one side of it and then up the other side. Along the way Courtney and some of her friends will be here and there making it like a mild haunted house (these are little kids...nothing too scary....just fun). We'll have another area for bobbing for apples and another for other games. We plan to have lots of cornstalks, pumpkins and bales of hay.
So off we went to the store. We didn't get everything we needed before we ran out of money, but we got alot. We bought a fog machine for the haunted house and some creepy sounds cd's they had at marc's for $1.00 each (saved me the trouble of downloading and burning!). Courtney plans to be a spooky looking old woman standing there stirring her "soup" in a big pot. When the kids get closer she'll ask if they want to look in her pot and they'll see all kinds of nastiness in there. lol We got some spiders and rubber rats and centipedes and gummy eyeballs...yeah, all the yuckiness that kids love! haha We plan to have someone dress up like a scarecrow and be standing there then move and surprise the kids....stuff like that. So we got some paper lanterns with lights in them and different misc. stuff.
By the time we got home I thought I was getting a little more excited about everything and was more motivated. We came in and I pulled out the rubbermaid container with all of our fall decorations in it. Opened it. Walked away thinking "yeah, that's enough for today." lol I just can't get it in gear! Poor kids. They have so much fun with that stuff and I used to be so good at decorating for all the holidays and stuff...but not anymore. I'm getting to be a lazy old woman who doesn't want to be bothered with it all.
It's gonna be awesome though. :) And I'm excited that Maribel and kids are coming up for the party...and maybe Soapie too! What an awesome weekend! Any of you who think they can make it to Cleveland the week of the 20th are welcome to come party and hang out for girls weekend! :)
Ok, I'm tired. I've been out of my pajamas for too long....
Touch is such a funny thing because it can be used to cause harm and creat hate....or it can be used to tear down the biggest walls, melt hearts and creat love. I googled "effect of touch in marriage" and these are the things that I read:
*Touch is the first sensory system to develop, and it will continue to function even after sight and hearing have failed.
*Skin the largest sense organ, it covers your whole body.
*Touch cannot be 'shut off', it is in a constant state of readiness to receive messages.
*In an experiment, only 7 of the 40 verbal comforts succeeded in quieting children, but 53 of the 60 tactile-verbal comforts were successful.
Touch is awesome! It's one of the greatest gifts God created for us as humans....and I'm so grateful for it! :) I love that Scott can be generous with the touch... he needs to be with all the other crap he has going on!! lol Before I had him though, I used to pay my kids to rub on me...and they knew how to bilk the money from me! That would jack up their prices like little swindlers. I'd say "rub mommie's feet please" and they'd reply "$5.00 for three minutes"...WTH?? lol
Now I have to find some energy somewhere to go to the grocery store because we've got nuttin. bummer.
I hope if people take the time to read my blogs and get to know me they know that YES, I have a tendency towards depression. I also have gone through some MAJOR life crap...some public, some not. But I hope it's also apparrent that I try my hardest to not get stuck there and always try to turn things positive again and my silly/stupid side inevitably shows itself again pretty quickly.
I'm just a girl with issues trying to find the positive side. :)
I'M NOT JEKYLL AND HYDE! I'M NOT!!! lol Ok, so maybe I am...I don't care! I LOVE ME! And so does God!!
p.s....how much do I LOOOOVE my dancin girl up there??? I see her as a little me keeping it live on all my pages. She's always happy and gettin down! :)
Word of advice fellas...don't wear it if you actually HAVE a woman. You go home smelling like this and she'll probably RIP YOU you're OWN va-jay-jay!!! LOL
Who not only thought of this, but WHO would agree to package and market this??? ROFLMBO!
Oh honey! Oh no you didn't Girrrlllll!! If your friends can't tell you, who can??? You need to sit down and stay pretty!!! You look like you're doing the "Elaine dance" from Seinfeld!!! m-m-m-m-m! For real! And she gets paid millions to do WHAT??? I hope she acts better than she moves.
ACLS stands for "advanced cardiac life support" and it means being able to do all the "code blue" stuff. You have to know meds, cardiac rhythms, and how to run the code and tell everyone what to do. The other times I recertified it was plenty nerve-wracking, but it wasn't that bad. You would take a big written test and have to interpret different EKG strips (which still is the same) and then they had different stations that you went to. Each station was a different theme and you went and sat at that station for a half-hour or so with a group of people and you were questioned (as a group mostly) on that particular subject or rhythm. It was never as horrible as you thought it was going to be and you left thinking "that wasn't so bad!". The "old-timers" would sit around and talk of the horrible, dreaded days of the "megacode" where they had to run a code blue from start to finish and if you got anything wrong you failed. YIKES!
So I studied a little bit last night and took my pretest. I got a 97% and so I was worried, but not too worried. I figured I've done this plenty of times before so it would be ok.... and I SKIPPED right over the part in the book about the megacode because we never have to do that right? I mean they haven't done that for like 20 years!
What do you think the first thing everyone is whispering about when we first get there? "Where are all the stations? What's going on?" Yep. *DUM-DUM-DUM!* (queue dreadful music) THE RETURN OF THE DREADED MEGACODE. We all must've looked like deer caught in the headlights! We just sat there bug-eyed and shaking in our seats when we were told that there were no more stations because they felt that some people might be slipping through without totally knowing everything so now each person has to be 100% on their own and graded accordingly. *GULP* We were all sweating bullets! I laughed inside when the first girl called reacted the way I would've wanted to but would've been too afriad to. She nervously yelled and almost started crying "NO! DON'T PICK ME FIRST! PLEASE, PLEASE! DON'T MAKE ME DO THIS FIRST!" lol So they let her off the hook. :) And then they made ME go first. (*cynical stare into the camera*)
They divided us into teams of 5. It was my job to direct these other 4 people in running this code. My case study was a 56 year-old woman who just had a hip replacement and I now walk into the room to find her unconscious and unresponsive..."GO!"
I have to say that I actually did A-W-E-S-O-M-E! *doin the cabbage patch* woot woot! Thinking I'm totally off the hook and that "I don't know what everyone's so scared about!"....until she says "see how smoothly she ran that? Too bad this is only PRACTICE and the real test will be a DIFFERENT case study this afternoon." Jigga-what??? Scuse me??? Awwww mannnn!!!!! They tricked us!! That was so mean. lol I'm sure I was looking totally deflated and suddenly I started to feel something coming on....FEAR. Satan had all kinds of demons whispering in my ears telling me that it could never go that smoothly again...I just got lucky! lol I was so nervous. I went to the bathroom like 10 times and I was having palpitations. lol We took our written test and I only missed 1!! Sweet! Not bad! I was beating myself up over the fact that it was a STUPID question that I missed but overall a little encouraged.
It's time for our megacodes again. We're standing around our makeshift hospital bed (a table), our manequin, crash cart and defibrillator. Someone's called...it's not me. They did ok. They stumbled a little bit, but not bad. They next lady goes and really bombs. Bless her heart she really did. We're all getting more nervous thinking we could be in her shoes in a minute. It's one thing to know what you're doing on paper, but to be in the pressure of the moment knowing someone is dying and the race is on and you're in charge...you tend to panic a little sometimes. After each person gets done someone takes her aside and critiques her. We can't hear anything they're saying...bummer.
Wouldn't you know that those dirty dogs saved me for LAST this time??? I don't want to be first, but I don't want to be last either!!! lol It's finally my turn and I hear, "You're in the e.r. and triage brings you back a 68 year-old gentleman who is pale, cold and sweaty. He says 'I feel like I'm going to pass out.' GO!" So I assign my team..."You please put oxygen on him, you start an i.v., you get a monitor on him and you take notes." I see that his heart rate is really slow and so I tell one of them to feel for a pulse. "NO PULSE, he's unconscious now". I point to two of them and ask them to begin CPR, point at another one and tell her to draw up a milligram of epinepherine and one of atropine.
"hang normal saline bolus. stop cpr and check rhythm"
The rhythm is now vtach....you don't want to see that. CRAP!
"shock with 200 joules. draw up another milligram of epi."
"resume CPR. 2minutes of cpr complete. stop cpr, change positions (to give them a rest). still in v-tach shock again at 200 joules. draw up another mg of epi and 300 of amiodarone."
"epi in. amiodarone in."
The rhythm changes to look like a normal sinus rhythm. (finally! I think. they've ALWAYS changed it to sinus rhythm when we are done)
"stop cpr. we have a regular rhythm, please feel for a pulse."
(what? what the frick??... see there's a heart rhythm where the person is dead and they have no pulse but there's still electricity flying around that shows up on a monitor like a heartbeat...so you have to actually check for a pulse...and my guy didn't have one. dang!)
"resume cpr, switch places if you need to. give 1 mg of epi and 1 mg of atropine"
"epi in. atropine in."
This goes on and on and on for what seems like FOREVER. Same routine. They would NOT get a pulse back. What did this instructor want from me???? BLOOD??? lol Then it comes to me.
"Have we gotten labs back yet? What's this guys blood sugar?"
"Blood sugar's low at 38."
My patient suddenly returns to sinus rhythm with a rate of 70.
"Stop CPR. Check for a pulse"
"YES, THERE'S A PULSE"
"(*sigh*) continue oxygenation and transfer patient to intensive care unit."
HOLY CRAP!!! lol My instructor then pulled me aside to critique me. She showed me my checklist and it was perfect...no notes scribbled or anything. She just smiled. I said "why did mine take like FIVE times longer than anyone else's???" She said "because you went first and did great so I wanted to throw you some curve balls and see if you crumbled or got anything wrong." I didn't ask for no curveballs!! lol She about had ME on the gurney in chest pains!!
All-in-all I'm very grateful that they think I did so well and I'm so thankful to the Lord that I got through that with no problems. But I'm so glad it's over. SO GLAD...for another two years anyways. lol
I mean how many times do you have to be given another chance before it's time for some tough-love? She can't be enabled and handled with velvet gloves anymore. She was given a H-U-G-E chance for a career comeback...to be given a new single and let to open the video music awards.....and she spit all over it. I would be kissing the ground and shaping my act up in a huge way! Just so sad.
AND THE HAIR??? Come on Britney!!! WEAVE IT ALONE GIRL!!! It's short, it's long, it's blonde, it's brunette. You're gonna fry the new hair you're growing since your drunk butt shaved it off!!!
Enough is enough. If it's not getting any better than we need to just stop watching...it's like gawking at a fatal car accident.
I have to admit that I wasn't very excited. I was nervous. And I wore PANTS. lol Some people might be thinking I'm crazy by saying that, but people that grew up with me or in churches like Idid will know exactly what I'm talking about. I went in with a smile in my face but with doubt in my heart. Then the strangest things happened.
I got the kids to their classes and we entered the auditorium and sat down. There weren't a whole lot of people there at the beginning so we were sitting there in the quiet just taking it all in. Even though it was a totally different church than I grew up in with a totally different look there were still so many similarities. First of all, most sanctuaries have the same smell. It's a musty kind of smell. I looked at the worn hymnals. There were NO hymnals at the charismatic church we had been attending. I looked up front at the platform...or altar should I say. There was NO altar at the other church. On one side of the platform there was an organ and on the other side there was a piano. On the platform towards the back on one side was the American flag, on the other side was the Baptist flag. There were NO flags at the other church. Then someone walked past and smiled and stuck his hand out saying "HI!! I'm B.J. It's so nice to meet you!" No one had ever greeted us at the other church unless they were told to "turn around and shake hands with three people near you." or something like that.
It felt like going back home. I felt so comfortable. It was so familiar. I started to secretly hope that the rest of the fam would love it too. I was sure they wouldn't because it was so uncool in so many ways. They didn't have the flashing lights and huge projection screens and full praise band onstage. They just had simple, normal people there to support each other and serve God. Oh! And just as the service was starting, The Davis family that I grew up at Tower with (Soapie remembers them!!) came in and sat right in front of us! She looked at me and smiled and said "I recognized you even from behind but never thought it could really be YOU!!" :) It was really nice to see sweet faces that are so dear to me.
The preacher had a short mid-week message and then we broke off into prayer groups of women here and men out there. I thought that would be it because scott usually doesn't like to do new things alone and he kind of gave me a look when they first stated we were splitting up like "we're doing WHAT?" lol But he went and I stayed. We had some really good prayer time and I got to know a small group of women there. I kept thinking that I hoped Scott would like it because I think it would do alot of good for him to be in the company of christian men. He needs to make friends and have some good role models. After prayer when we were leaving one of the ladies I met gave me a hug and slipped something in my hand. She whispered "I know you've been having some health problems and it's tough to be the main breadwinner. This isn't much but it's enough to buy some milk and other things." She smiled and walked away. I looked in my hand and it was a $10.00 bill! That brought tears to my eyes. Here we were leaving a church that seemed so selfish and wouldn't even counsel us and here was an older woman blessing us just because she could. In that moment it's like I felt God giving me a hug and saying "welcome home babe."
Afterwards when we all met up again outside, before I could even get out the words "so how did everyone like it?" I was hearing how much they LOVED it. LOVED. EVEN COURTNEY LIKED IT. Oh yes she did girl! lol And for the grand finale Scott was exclaiming how much he really liked it and felt so immediately comfortable there. He loved that several people actually went out of their ways to shake his hand, introduce themselves and welcome him. He loved it and can't wait to go back.
What a surprise blessing. I begrudgingly went to a church that I thought I would hate every minute of and ended up with a new church home! It's so awesome the way that God works! Now if only he would surprise me just as quickly and out of the blue with enough money to pay all of my bills!!! lol :)
I am watching the Justin Timberlake concert on HBO right now and I'm telling you...he is one of the sexiest mother-frickers I've ever seen. He is like sex on a stick to me. He is so seductive...it comes out of his pores! YOU KNOW that any woman he's with is never wanting for any good lovin'. I think one of the things that turns me on most about him is the fact that he's talked so publicly about how hurt he was when Britney cheated on him and therefore is so monogamous it's ridiculous. Sounds very familiar to me. Loyalty is so so damn sexy to me. Too bad my own man could care less about that one very thing that really turns me on.
*I LOVE finding favorite old cd's that I forgot even existed. I found my Julie Roberts cd tonight from a few years ago when I was going through a country kick. I put it in forgetting just what was on there and instantly melted back in time just as if in a time capsule. Which brings me to my next thing....
*Sometimes I really am grateful when I don't get my way. For example, this evening I was opening up a facebook account just to see what it's like over there. I was browsing through pages and pages and pages of people in this area and didn't find even one person that I knew. In the back of my mind I always have a small list of people that I know I would like to find. Most of them I really don't need to find. Curiosity doesn't need to kill this cat again. At least one of the songs I listened to tonight on my long-lost cd was a reminder of that. It was a sort of theme song for someone I knew a few years ago and even though it's always been bitter-sweet (as most relationship endings are), I'm so glad I'm not there anymore. Thank God for some unanswered prayers.
*I would rather be married and dealing with uncertainty and crap than dating and dealing with uncertainty and crap. At least now I feel that someone is working with me to be better and become more intimate.... vs. those committment-phobe players.
*A good church with all of the music, doctrine and community that I want is just as hard as a good spouse to find.
*I love days off.
*I need to take advantage of the loss of appetite that comes every week the few days after taking my chemo. lol
*I like myspace so much better than facebook. And I'm letting go of 360. The season of 360 is passed. I really feel it. Everyone I need is on myspace and no one is ever even on 360 anymore. It's time to move on I think.
*I LOVE my profile song no matter what anyone else thinks. lol I sometimes go to change it and just can't bring myself to do it. I love that song. I love Katie Melua. I love her Jazzy, bluesy, quirky voice. Love it.
*I really to LOVE my background too. My daughter absolutely HATES it. lol She says it's the "ugliest, most old-lady background" she's ever seen! I was instantly drawn to it. I couldn't figure out why for a while, but the more i think about it I think it's because it's reminiscent to me of the 30's and 40's. The color, the deco style. Yep, I think that's it. It's very romantic to me....and some people think I'm crazy but I don't care. :)
*Money goes way too fast...especially when you really need it for something else.
I LOVE fall weather. I really, really do. And I assume that I will re-write that sentence again every year for the rest of my life.
*I'm private and don't really like to be bothered much. I've seen some preaching on that lately and know it was aimed (at least a little) towards me. They wore a "DO NOT DISTURB" sign around their neck during the whole sermon and talked about how bad it is to be inaccessible to others and that our main goal should be to love and give and help. Today when Courtney talked about the fact that her boyfriend and his family are planning a whole vacation around northern Ohio (I know right? lol) so that they can come see Courtney, go to Cedar Point and meet her parents all I could think was "I hope they don't bother me too much. I don't feel like meeting them! ugggh". lol Ungracious, I know. But that's me. When I want to be social, I go be social. I don't like socialness forced on me. And I don't like bothered in my private spaces like home. I'm working on it. Or should I say God is working on me.
*Last but not least...I still cuss way too much. I do and I know it. I think it's such a filthy habit. I hate Scott's smoking but I can understand about the bad habit part because cussing is one of my drugs of choice. The way "quit touching my shit" or "shut the f**k up!" rolls off my tongue sometimes feels so pleasing. Or "that's so bad-ass!" Or "you're such a bitch" when talking to Carl. lol It's another thing I'm working on. And actually I've been doing pretty darn good.... but I kind of fell off the wagon today. Darren and Courtney were bickering ALL DAY LONG and drove me crazy and I ended up going off a few times. I'm human. I'm learning. It's hard letting go of an old lover. *sigh*
*ATTENTION.....there is a spy among us. I have known for quite some time that there is someone pretending to be my friend while talking out of the other side of his face to my ex-husband. I haven't said anything because I'm well aware that I am writing on a public blog and that Randy could come and read this anytime he wants. The issue is that he doesn't. He doesn't have to. That's because someone who claims to be my friend constantly goes and tells him what's on my blog. That's shady. Being my friend...and especially reading my blog over the years...one would know that the quality I admire most in a person is LOYALTY. The thing that turns me on most in a relationship is....LOYALTY. So by-the-by, don't ask me why I never chat much anymore when every conversation I have with my ex-husband starts with " 'someone' told me that you said....." Not cool. But I digress.
I think I handled that pretty calmly don't you guys?? :) No big-ol' blog barf over here....I'm evolved. lol "Hallelujrrrrrr"!! ROFLMAO If you don't notice I'm on a Madea kick lately. It happens every year or so. She cracks me the hell up! She has some really good things to say and then peppers them with some of the funniest, most inappropriate things. lol Kind of reminds me of myself I suppose. :)
Good news today... I FINALLY got my computer from Best Buy!! For those not familiar with the saga... I haven't seen my computer since June 22. Yes...over TWO months. It's been a ridiculous journey with them screwing it up at every turn. They would ship it off to the repair center only for it to be sent back untouched. So they'd resend it...it would come back untouched. Repeat this process at least six or seven times and you'll appreciate my frustration. They actually tried to send it home with me one time...hoping that I wouldn't notice that nothing was different about it. I said "absolutely NOTHING has been done to this...they didn't even restore the hard drive! NOTHING!" They replied "Oh, sorry about that...I guess you're right. We'll send it back out in the morning." It got so frustrating that a few weeks ago i called corporate headquarters and started giving them earfulls. They sent me a gift card for my troubles and then nothing else happened. They said that they would "escalate and expedite" my order...but nothing happened. So I decided to start making their lives hell by calling them with a daily update. I figure...one week, bad enough. Two weeks...frustrating. A month...oh hell no. TWO MONTHS? Someone in that store's funna get shanked when they walk out into the parking lot! Yeah I'm talking to you Geek Squad! So yesterday I get a voicemail saying that they have approved my request to be given a new computer due to the extenuating circumstances. FINALLY! So because I had such a nice pc to begin with they basically let me pick what I wanted. SWEET! :) I could've gotten a laptop if I wanted...pick of the litter. So I basically got the newest, most bad-a** computer they had. Actually there was ONE better, but I didn't want to be greedy. lol I got to the counter and they all looked at the sticker like "whoa." One of them commented..."you sure did luck out with an upgrade huh?" I just smile softly and said "yep." I wanted to start singing "Don't you wish your p-c was hot like mine??? don't cha??" Let that be a lesson to them to treat their customers like crap! I really do think alot of it was because I'm female...you should've heard and seen some of the things they pulled on me! I'm tired of men thinking women are stupid! Newsflash....I'm NOT stupid and not much gets by me. Now I'm the one sitting here looking at the pretty blue light on the front of my pretty new computer. :)
Schools back in.....WOOHOO. Having the days by ourselves in the house in soooo nice. The pic up top is of Amelia and Madelaine on their first day. My beauties. They're getting so big and looking so grown. I didn't realize how long Maddie's hair is getting until I saw the picture. She cracks me up...my little woman. The night before she had all her clothes laid out just-so and had to put her curlers in her hair and wrap them just so aunt-jamima style so that she could sleep and she would have the appropriate amount of wave the next morning. So funny.
I had to have an "I & D" of my jaw done last week because of that infection I've been telling you guys about. Needless to say they unzipped my jaw all the way down to the bone, pulled another tooth, cleane everything out and stitched me back up like Frankenstein. It sucked! I would rather have four more babies naturally than do that again. SUCKED! I went today and got my stitches out. Hopefully I'll be on the mend now and my lupus will continue to settle down.
BTW...for those who aren't up to speed that's why I had to get this done anyways. See, lupus is an auto-immune disorder and anything that gets your immune system worked up also gets your lupus worked up and it starts attacking you at the same time it attacks the infection. So it's been so worked up for so long now (I've even had to start chemo) that in the search to find out WHY it has been so active it was decided that I had an infection in one of my teeth. So antibiotics didn't fix it. So they pulled the tooth. That didn't fix it. So FIVE rounds of amoxicillin and TWO rounds of clindamycin later they decided to manually go in, open my up and see for themsleves if there was any infection there. There was and it was cleaned out. And they also pulled another molar from over there that was starting to look infected in the process. Let me just repeat....THAT SUCKED.
Everything else is pretty calm. All my tv shows are over for the summer so I'm kind of bored.
Hope you're all having a good week!