12.15.2007

An hour to live

Sitting here watching a recorded Oprah show with Allison & Shawnda it struck me when her guests were all talking about all that anyone really wants in this life is to feel heard and appreciated. At the end of our lives it's not the money, houses or anything else that matter--it's the people stuff. Last week in church my pastor said, "simply put, your life is the sum-total of your relationships." How true that is.

Alot of self-examination over the years and especially lately has reminded me that my relationships--overall--SUCK. I have a few close friends (my babes) that are loyal, caring and awesome friends, and my kids are wonderful...other than that, fuggedabout it! The truth of the matter is that I tend to be too accepting, I give myself away way too easily and I'm too forgiving (to a fault). Loyalty is my best--and my worst--assett. Unfortunately, the other ugly fact of the matter is that all my wonderful qualities are so seldom appreciated--or even noticed by the people in my life. As Oprah said, all I want is to be noticed, heard and appreciated.

I've held out hope after hope after hope that this will happen with certain people in my life--mainly my husband--and it never does. The saddest thing is that he thinks he's the best at doing this, but he's probably on the short-list of being the worst at it that I've ever met. I was so jealous of a woman I heard on tv that was talking about her husband who had died, and she said that she missed talking to him the most out of anything. She said that they used to talk for hours every morning about life and everything else and he was so interested in what she had to say. I asked myself, being someone who has so much to say and so many ideas, thoughts, insights and opinions...how did I pick someone to be my life partner who 1) doesn't converse 2) especially doesn't converse with ME 3) doesn't see who I am 4) could care less about finding out who I am 5) doesn't appreciate the fact that he would have pretty much no life at all if it weren't for me....etc, etc, etc.

It really saddens me that I feel that I get nothing from this relationship that I couldn't pay someone to provide for me. I can pay someone to cook sometimes, I can pay someone to do some occassional maintenance, I can pay someone to keep an eye on the kids three times a week when I go to work, etc. Anything substantial that I want and/or need from a life partner I don't get even a little bit. Communication...no. Physical affection...not much. Provision...not even a little bit. Understanding...doesn't even try. Leadership....yeah, right. Everything he promised me in the beginning was a sham. Every way that he represented himself to be was a lie. He doesn't see it...I don't even think he's capable of seeing it.

Normally I would never post a blog like this publicly, but truthfully I think only an act of God will make him see it because he could care less what I have to say. He just doesn't care.... so niether do I right now. Maybe him knowing that the world knows how he really is will convince him he needs to do better...but it will probably just give him another reason to say everything is my fault.

Today I drove from Cleveland to Dayton, which is normally a 3 1/2 hour trip. It ended up being a major blizzard on the way there, took us SIX AND A HALF and we saw 22..count them! 22 accidents on the way here. It was only by God's grace that we got here ok...no joke. Scott decided at the last minute that he "didn't feel like going" and let me drive through this crap by myself with all the kids...and didn't even call to check on us until after four hours (when as far as he knew I should have already been there). When Courtney told him I couldn't talk because I was driving through a blizzard...HE NEVER CALLED BACK TO CHECK ON US. AT ALL. That was the last straw...I was hurt, abandoned and PISSED. That showed me once and for all that if he's not facing getting something out of the situation he could care less about it. There's not a sacrificial bone in his body and he could care less what happened to us. When I said all of this to him, he denied it of course...but the die was cast. I know it, I feel it and I am closing down. It's been little by little lately, but today did it--I can feel the countdown has started.

I really hope that he does something drastic and fast to cancel the countdown, because all I know is that I don't want to live like this. What I want is to be heard, appreciated...desired. Hell, I'd even settle for him USING my body once and a while! lol Dang, just do something!!! I'm tired and lonely. Watching that Oprah show tonight and being asked the question, "what would you do if you knew you only had an hour to live?" made me think. Would I want to spend it with my husband? I don't know...I don't think he'd miss me anyways. And that's sad. Really, really sad. I hope something changes...and it's been declared publicly now. Let's see what he does with it.

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