12.18.2007

Eyes upward!


It never fails to humble and amaze me when I see God move others to perform random acts of kindness and charity. On this fifth anniversary of the day that my ex-husband was arrested for hurting my child (and whole family) I was reminded in an amazing way that God still loves me and provides for me. Just as he did five years ago, he used all the people around me to help me when I needed it most. Let me share....

It's no secret that money has been tight lately. Much tighter than normal, actually. Last month when all the "stuff" was going on here in our lives I had to call off several times from work (for various reasons). At the time I just shrugged my shoulders in acceptance and muttered a simple "ok Lord, you've gotta provide" kind of prayer. Since then the belt has squeezed tighter and tighter and I've been starting to pray harder and harder.

Today I got irritated with Scott because he had taken $40.00 out of the bank to go buy a few very basic groceries...because we had NOTHING. No joke. Old mother Hubbard had nothing on me honey! lol I snapped at him that now everything was going to bounce in the checking account and he snapped at me asking what did I expect him to do then because we had NO food. I knew he was right and I wasn't really snapping at him because he did wrong, but out of stress and exasperation.

On the way to work I was praying about it, and while I never doubt God (because we have never starved before!) I still knew that it was getting to "that" point...we needed help! So I was praying and asking God to please help us and saying that I knew he would...he promised that he would...and he always has before. The thought had crossed my mind of how nice it would be to find money laying around somewhere, then I felt guilty because that meant someone else would have to lose it for me to find it. I thought GREAT!! Now I have GUILT for a hypothetical finding of money!! LOL So I kept praying and was saying something along the lines of how I didn't want anyone else to suffer by losing any money for me to find, but I knew God was capable of dropping it right there on the ground for me to find. PLEASE LORD, JUST DROP SOME IN THE PARKING LOT...I PROMISE I'LL FIND IT AND LOOK FOR IT. Ok, I recognize how crazy that sounds...but if you've ever been bordering on desperate I'm sure you get it.

So I get out of my car at the hospital and with full faith I just KNOW that there will be some money laying there for me. God KNOWS that I need it! I walk towards the building while looking between every single car and in every single snow bank for money laying around...don't you know there was none?

So I walk into the building chastising myself for being so ridiculous and stupid that I would honestly believe God woul just put money there for me to find and I go about my shift.

About half-way through my shift my phone rings. Our secretary is on the other end and in a serious tone of voice says "I need you to come back to 2 south right away." Ok, that was weird...it must be really serious. I just say "I'll be right there", and I literally run up the stairs and book it towards my floor. I arrive totally short of breath and see her just sitting there. I yell down the hall "what's going on??? is everything ok???" She just smiles at me.

As I approach the desk, she holds an envelope up for me that has my name on it. It's obvious that I'm confused so she says, "every year our unit chooses someone to sponsor for the holidays and this year we chose you." Even now my eyes are burning hot with tears and my chin is quivering thinking about it. Before she can even get the words out I burst into tears and run around the desk and throw myself on her sobbing. I start gushing about how much this was needed and appreciated...she has no idea, blah blah blah. I sit down and keep crying--it's near impossible to compose myself as I'm deep into the heavy cry by now.

Here it was....my miracle. She said, "WELL AREN'T YOU GOING TO OPEN IT???" And I just laid my hand on top of it and shook my head "no" while continuing to cry. I said, "I don't have to. I know it's whatever I need." *Cue even heavier crying* By this point she's crying with me and says, "come on...open it." So I do and there's a $100.00 gift card to Giant Eagle (our local grocery store) and a $100.00 gift card to Kohls (a local department store). This group of seven or eight women had pulled together to bless my family for no reason at all other than because I am. I didn't have to earn it, beg for it, steal it...just because God moved on their hearts to bless me.

The whole time I sat there bawling all I could think of how I was hearing Gods voice in my head telling me that I was his child.....and I don't have to look in the gutter to find his help. I tend to think so little of myself and think I'm so undeserving that all I deserve is to scrape something out of the gutter and be grateful for it. But because of Christ...and only because of Christ...I am a child of the king. I have been adopted into the family and I am entitled to provision, protection and inheritance. Then God made me laugh because I heard him say, "and you don't have to look in the snow, girl! This is 2007...we have gift cards now!" lol Our God truly is an awesome God...and he is seldom early, but he is never late.

A new friend of mine had left a comment on one of my previous blogs today and she ended her comment with "Eyes upward!". My heart immediately sang in agreement and I thought that's right. Stop search every gutter for your blessing....EYES UPWARD!

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