11.22.2007

I missed me


The reality of the verse that says God uses all things for the good of those who love him has really hit home this week. As most of you know there have been so many tragedies involved in this one fiasco! For those of you who don't know, I'm really sorry but it's just too much to rehash right now. To sum it all up there has been depression, agression, more than one suicide attempt (not by me), stress, tears, worry, desperation and exhaustion. Aside from the trauma of hurricane evil one at the end of 2002, this has been probably the worst two weeks of my whole life. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) I have some experience in these situations and the stench of this foulness isn't new to my nose.

My emotional and psychological states have been at every point of the spectrum on any given day. As soon as some sympathy and love start to penetrate my soul all it takes is a simple thought to swing me back around to anger, betrayal and eventual melancholy. No one is born knowing how to deal with this kind of stuff--all we can do is make it up as we go along and it's interesting now two weeks into this journey to look back and see the arc of my reaction.

I started out needing to talk. Talk alot. I needed to vent, rehash, process it all in and outside of my brain. That's not normally what I do, but this time that's what I needed. I got it all out and then some. I was angry--and I allowed myself to feel it. I was bitter, pissed off, depressed--you name it I was feeling it. Then i hit rock bottom and just felt that I couldn't walk another step. I broke down and cried out to God letting him know that I just couldn't take one more thing. NOT ONE MORE.

Even through all the messes in my life I don't think I've been to that point before. I've always felt too strong to be at that point...even when I thought I was weak I still had the mindset of "we're gonna figure this out and get through it...it will all be ok!". This time I just didn't know. Not only did I not know, but I didn't want to know and didn't care about knowing. I didn't care if the whole world fell away.

As much as I needed to talk in the beginning that quickly went away. I had one of the strongest needs of my whole life to be in solitude. I've turned off the ringers on my phones several days, I've had the tv off most of the time, and I've made several trips to goodwill after decluttering. It was an almost primal need to simplify my life and my space making it as calm, quiet and peaceful as I could get it.

One of the nice things that I've seen God using that for is to remind me who I am. What do I want? Not as part of a couple, not what do we want, but what do I want? I want to have my calm home back. I want the stupid effin' tv shut off most of the time. I want to read and write with mellow music playing. I want to buy something at the store and know that it will still be there the next day because no one has used it or taken it behind my back. I started meditating again. Basically I've stepped out of the whirl-wind and reclaimed my boundaries. I won't tell anyone else that they have to do things my way, but I know the way that I need to be and I know what I need in my life for it to be what I need and what is right.

Through this process I've become much calmer and more peaceful and I've moved through alot of the anger and found the capacity to be sympathetic again. That's who I was created to be...a nurturer...I need to help when I'm needed. That doesn't mean that I need to suffer and have dysfunction in my life. I can help without becoming incapacitated myself. One of the things they teach you in cpr class is that if someone is choking or drowning, sometimes you simply have to let them pass out before you can help them. That's because they are a crazy mess of struggle, panic and fury until they pass out--then they're lay there willing to let you help them.

That's kind of the situation I've been in. I almost needed to let someone self-destruct to a point that help could be forced on them and in the process I'm getting some of myself back too--instead of being pulled down by a panicked drowning person.

I don't know what will happen in the near future, that plot is still developing day by day. I know that dis-ease can't be back in my home. Stable, healthy, surrendered easiness can be though. Who knows what the outcome will be besides God? I guess that's why I just need to trust in him to take care of it and thank him for using this nasty experience to reintroduce me to myself...I missed me.

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