No wonder

I could feel myself coming down with a little depression today.  Kind of like it's a cold or something.  You know how right before you get the actual cold, you can feel the sick coming?  Yeah, well that's kind of what it's like.

Why?  I don't know.  Really, there's too much to dish out in a quick and tidy little blog, but it could have something to do with the constant amount of stress I feel that I'm under.  Don't get me wrong, it's not BIG stress, like I've had through most of my adult life.  No, this is all the little stresses that being a single mother of four kids, two of which are hormonal teenagers, one of which needs EXTRA (understatement) help with her homework.  Plus, working full-time at a job (that I'm grateful for) that requires me to check my email about a hundred times every day (and never knowing what I'm gonna get...will it be nothing?  Will it be huge drama and trouble?) and causes me to lose sleep...literally...because of day-time meetings out the ass. 

Top that with the fact that I'm still on this yo-yo emotional healing roller coaster while starting to dip my toes in the dating pool again (with a guy that thoroughly delights, yet confuses me) add to that me going on birth control for the first time in Y-E-A-R-S (PRAISE God for vasectomies!), which has made me bleed like I just gave birth for TWO solid weeks (yeah, I'm thinking fuck this!  I like my natural body better...and it's obviously rebelling against these pills...wait, no, never mind. This baby-making factory is CLOSED for business!  Bring on the pills!). 

Travel plans up in the air, bills, CONSTANTLY sick kids....Courtney was in the emergency room the other night, which caused me to miss two hours of work, $125 copay, a bill coming for the ER visit, CT scan, etc. (kidney passed).  Have to lose sleep tomorrow to attend her credit appeal to see if they are going to allow her to have her credits and graduate (because of too many sick days). 

I MISS MY FRIENDS!!!  I mean, seriously miss my girls. :(  The worst part about distance?  That would be distance.  I can't be there to witness their lives and they aren't there to witness mine.  So often I feel they think I've forgotten about them and I feel they've forgotten about me....but none of it is true.  There is no replacing them and I haven't even tried...hence the fact that I have no life here.  Not really.

I'm stressed about getting this divorced over with.  I have Emma asking me literally every single day, "When are we going to the eye doctor?  When are we going to the dentist?  When can I get a haircut?  When can we go to the library?  Can we go horseback riding?  Can we get a pedicure?  Can I play softball?  How about cheerleading?"  etc etc  Poor kid... she just wants a life.  And she doesn't have one. Because I'm always working...or resting for work.  Or broke.

I'm exhausted.  Every kind of exhausted you can stick a name on.  I really didn't start this blog to barf all over your computer screen like this.  I was gonna say how I was feeling a little depressed but wasn't sure why.  Yeah, forget I remember why.  Needless to say, so far my zen in 10 isn't working out so well.

♥ veronica


Allison said…
I miss you too. :(

P.S. Whispering a prayer for you now. Peace...