"I try to keep breathing"


It always blows my mind the way God brings change through my life & home with such a swiftness.  He never lets me know it will be coming, it just does...within a matter of moments, minutes and sometimes hours.  Just *WHAM*  A smackdown of change.

Today, I thought would be simple enough.  I worked last night and planned to wake up and maybe take the kids to the movies and then the craft store.  Maribel had called as I was waking up, so I laid in bed and spoke to her for a while.  Talked about everything in general, as old friends do.  I was worried that Courtney would be blowing her graduation because she'll never get up and go to school.  And that I have concerns about her giving up her future because she thinks Josh will be coming home from Iraq and taking care of her causing her to not go to college.  Really, it was innocent, frustrated mom-talk to  friend who already knew all about it anyways.

Well, Courtney overheard me talking about this stuff and went off like an atomic bomb.  She claimed that I had betrayed her and that I was talking crap about her.  She alleged that I said a lot of things that I never said, but the point is that she had escalated to a point where she was frantic.  The freaking out then turned to more general matters of I'm a horrible mother for making her move out here, her life is ruined because she hates it here, then it turned into I'm just a horrible mother altogether and I want her to leave so...according to her words, "you can banish me like you did Darren!"

That statement pissed me off.  Darren is a very sore subject with me, because I feel guilty that he is living with his dad anyways, and I know that he doesn't get taken care of as well as if he were here.  But the fact is, Darren chose to leave.  That's where he wanted to be.  Either way, when she said this, she definitely pissed me off and pushed a hot-button with me.  I grabbed the remote control and through it at her feet and yelled at her to "shut up".  She then stood up and grabbed the remote to my BRAND NEW tv and smashed it as hard as she could into the ground.  Yep, it shattered and went everywhere.  At that point I was MAD and she ran in her room and tried to lock me out.  After getting the door open, I lunged at her and grabbed her shoulders.  I pushed her back on the bed and told her to "sit down!"  She went to stand up and I pushed her back down on the bed telling her to sit down again.  She started yelling at me "you shoved me!!"  and I kept saying, "You're lucky ALL I did was shove you!"  She had no idea how bad I wanted to do MUCH more than shove her!  

But anyways, she marched to the front door screaming, "I'm out of here!"  And I said, "Yes!  If you don't like the rules in my home, get the F**k out of my house!" Within minutes, she had phoned the whole family back in Ohio and told them (I'm sure) that it's all moms fault, & it's none of Courtney's fault.  Her family booked her a plane ticket for midnight tonight.  I said, "Why would you do that??" and she said, "well you through me out!  Was I supposed to live in the streets???"  Whatever...that child would NEVER have to live in any streets.  Whatever.  

Needless to say, after much snot and tears flying around, she had her bags packed and was ready to go.  Maddie & Emma were a mess, I was a mess.  At what point does loyalty come in to play?  Loyalty to family?  I guess it doesn't.

Primo even tried to persuade her to stay.  He offered to let her have the guest suite at his house until she gets life figured out.  She told him no because it was too soon before her plane left. (more excuses).

The whole ride to the airport was a ton of tears and crying, text messages, and begging not to go.  For me that had all stopped.  I was sobbing, but completely shut down to her.  She mad her very immature, selfish, dramatic decision to betray our family and now I was done.  Quiet, withdrawn.  When we arrived at the departures lane, I wouldn't even get out of the car to hug her goodbye.  I kept thinking I need to or I'll regret it, but listening to her try to calm the girls down by saying, "Oh don't worry...you'll see me and talk to me all the time!" ticked me off a little more and made me not want to hug her even more.  I mean, she had rejected us.  She had insulted me.  She was so excited to betray our family's loyalty by leaving, that I could not bring myself to get out of the car and hug her.  Instead, I sat stubbornly in the front seat praying for her.  

She eventually came around and leaned in my door and gave me a hug and told me she loves me, but I didn't really want to hear it.  Not right now.  You're leaving your family high and dry.  That's all I can see or hear.   The girls cried all over her before she grabbed her bags and disappeared inside of the terminal.  I texted Primo, "She's gone."   Simple, to the point.  He replied with, ":("  Then with, "What now?"  My response was "I try to keep breathing."

We all cried all the way home and all the way in the house...and all the way until everyone was in bed...and even some after that.  It was a very emotional and sad night where my family of little women had been emotionally battered...and now they were down to two.

This morning bright and early she texted me to say she already missed us & was homesick.  I couldn't even respond.

♥ veronica


Anonymous said…
Wow! I feel for you and the girls. Courtney needs to be taught a big lesson by this. I think I would be tempted to let her stay in Ohio for awhile and let her see just how good she has it with you. I don't know the circumstances but I'm sure that nobody will treat her as well as you do.This brings tears to my eyes to say but I will never forget my mother telling me"you made your bed, you must now lay in it" OUCH How often I thought of those words! But I'm sure you know that we never listen to MOM and then as we mature we wish we had of. She will regret all this; and HOPEFULLY learn from it. My heart goes out to you. Just pray. God never puts more on our shoulders than we can bear. I love you Veronica! D
Anonymous said…
I disagree. I know she hurt you, but she's still your baby. She has to graduate and you know that may not happen where she is right now. I hope you bring her back to you soon. Remember being 18? She is NOT grown up yet even though she thinks she is and she needs you. Bring her home and worry about the rest later. She has a lifetime of adulthood to learn the hard stuff. Love, Chell