The skin wrapped around this soul

I'm struggling lately. Friends are worried about me. People are wondering if I'm upset with them. Others want to send out search parties to look for me. At times I think it's getting better and then there are the times, like now, that I know it's going to be a long, rough road.

I know if he ever reads this his feelings will be hurt, but I'm so glad Scott's gone. SO. GLAD. But with this whole mess comes the stabbing reality to my soul that I've been struggling with my whole life. Men come, men hurt you, men get what they want, then men leave. In the end it's going to be you, and only you, on your knees cleaning up the mess of an unraveling relationship from the floor.

I struggle daily with the temptation to bring the walls up and lock it down like Fort Knox. I never have. I've never wanted to be the bitter woman and have worked hard not to become that person, but my brain keeps telling my head that maybe it's time. It's time for a change and if being the forgiving, compassionate, loving, loyal person hasn't worked for me then fuck it. I'm going to try something else.

Sometimes I look at my face in the mirror and marvel at how I don't look all that different, but yet I have seen so much with these eyes. It's the same as when I look at an old building or piece of furniture and marvel at the stories it must have seen. This skin that is wrapped around this soul has seen too much...and it is tired. What's worse? To never have loved at all or to have loved oh so much and have been let down every single time?

I took one final stab at love & trust and here I am alone. Devastated. Sad. Picking up the pieces and trying to figure out how to do it on my own. Again. I'm tired. I'm done. Unless something moves in my heart soon or changes in my life, the game plan is to give up. No more Ms. Nice Girl. It's time to look out for number one. I can feel a part of me dying today. I don't want it to though. So Lord please...move or move me.


Mary Moore said…

I wish there was something more I could do.

Be good to yourself. There are lots of people who care, and yes, you have to take care of yourself first. Just do it.
I love you and you take your time taking care of yourself. You are lovable and you are a wonderful person. Give yourself some credit, you need this time to heal. This isn't something to bounce back from with a sparkly smile, this is a time to heal and love yourself a little bit. We're here for you, and the one's who care will always no matter what!
Allison said…
Been there, done that far too many times to count. I have had many times when I wish I could just pull the covers up over my head and shut life out....simply so I could sort through the million and one things already going on in my world without having to add yet one more thing to it...not to mention having to "be there" for everyone else. There are times that we just need to process and close out the world so that we can re-group and get recharged. I get it. I really really get it.
Allison said…
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Allison said…
P.S. Yes, we love you and are worried about you. Even though we understand that you need "V time" to process and figure life out....we just want to know that you are okay and we want you to know that we are here to help you figure things out in any way that we can. Know that you are NEVER alone no matter how you feel. We are here. We care.