The reason why...
Scott Baum just sent me a text message that simply said, "I love you." Normally, what wife wouldn't want to get a text like that? However, for me it opens up an entire pandora's box of emotions and questions. He's done really good...I haven't heard from him since the 4 phone calls 2 weeks ago and for him that is monumental.
When I had grabbed my cell phone off the nightstand and took a peek at my messages, seeing his name made me instantly sit down on the edge of the bed as if the floor might give out from under me. Time doesn't make us forget, but it does soften all the jagged, hard edges that might shred us to ribbons at first. Six weeks of him being gone and experiencing "normal" life has not only left me grateful, but it has numbed some of the pain, making me miss him a little bit. DON'T GET ME WRONG...(Tami, you don't need to call...I haven't changed my mind! lol) all it took was ten seconds of sitting on the bed & reminding myself why he is gone to bring me back into focus, but for those first ten seconds I missed him. I miss the medicated, sane him. I miss the him that I only got the slightest glimpses of over those years. I guess I just miss the idea of him...because the real him is the reason he is gone.
This (among other things) has gotten me thinking about the reasons why things happen. That's something I've been praying about lately and I really am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, but sometimes the reason is so much bigger than us. People come & go through our lives...sometimes they're there for a very long time, but aren't meant to be there forever. Sometimes they flash in and out quickly. Sometimes the reason is obvious and sometimes its not for us to know why. Sometimes we find ourselves stuck in a place that we aren't supposed to be forever simply because we're afraid to move on. Sometimes its directly about us and sometimes the reason has absolutely nothing to do with us and isn't a reflection of us whatsoever...we are just part of something bigger that is in play and happen to find ourselves as players in a scene that we are not the main character in. Whatever the reason, if we sit tight and stop fighting for what it is that WE want and think is right, then things will work out the way that they are supposed to...because what we want is not always what is supposed to be.
And Scott.... I love you too. But that doesn't always mean that something is meant to be.