3.21.2009

Catch up

Just catching up. Nothing exciting happening here. My security clearance finally went through and I was able to get back to orientation at work. I have one more eight-hour dayshift then start orienting on nights for a while then I will switch to days. Not excited even a little bit about the days part, as you all know, but at least it's a paycheck. And since that's the first paycheck I've earned since November, I'm more than thrilled about it.

Other than that, I'm still in the battle of the broken heart. What's funny is that it's not even really about my husband. I know, right? The fact that I could really care less that he's gone hasn't changed at all. No, this is about other stuff...memories, loss of dreams, etc. The depression is still raging, which is another good reason that it's probably good to get back to work. Along with this depression has come a sudden desire to close ranks a bit. I'm tired of being so accessible to everyone, all the time. No one else on earth makes themselves that accessible to me, why should I be there for them? So I have closed down several of my instant messenger programs (that I never used anyways) and I closed down my myspace page (never thought that would happen).

The thing is that anyone I want to talk to isn't on there anymore. My closest friends and favorite people are either people that I talk to on the phone or are on facebook. I don't need it. The only reason it's there is for nosy people who want to be in my business or for quasi-friends who don't give a rip about me most of the time. Once in a while, one will leave a comment saying hi and we must get together, and we both know that nothing will ever come of it. So, because I have always have a great contempt for those kinds of relationships (even with my family), I took myself off the grid. I figure they will either find me here or call me in order to actively participate in my life, or they can just live their lives wondering how I am.

I've kind of hit the wall regarding being the dependable one. Every time I hear that word, a flashback enters my mind of one time when S.A.M. got a flat tire on the side of the highway and called me to come pick him up. There he was in dress pants and tie on the side of the highway waiting for me. When he opened the door, he smiled at me then kissed me before saying, "Always my Miss Dependable." At the time I loved it, but now it's left a sour taste in my mouth because it's never led anywhere good. I'm still alone and have nothing to show for it. So screw dependable. At least to people who haven't earned that part of me.

I have one week until the kids are on spring break. The little ones are going to my parents house for the week & Courtney is going to Maribels. I am tempted to find the cheapest tickets I can to somewhere warm where I can sink my toes in the sand and vegetate. I think it's warrented. We'll see.


3 comments:

Patricia said...

Hey girl. Just checking in with you. Even if you don't get to get some tickets to somewhere, do take some time to do something for yourself while the kiddos are gone. You deserve it. Later!

Allison said...

I'm so excited for you to be able to finally get into a "normal" routine. Crossing my fingers that you end up loving this job and meet some great coworkers as well. =]

I get this "closing ranks" bit. Been there, done that, still doing it. I get it. It amazes me the people who get "offended" when they don't get a facebook or myspace reply fast enough. I'm thinking....if ya'll want to be a part of my life, pick up the phone. I like facebook and all, but I don't live there. Yeah, I get it.

Here's hoping that your spring break is just as relaxing (minus the work part) as you need it to be. May it be a time to renew your soul, rejuvenate your body and free yourself of stress. I know I sure can use a bit of that myself!!

Adwen, the Green Fairy said...

Girl, I'm so glad that this job is setting in and things are starting to fall into place. I continue to pray for it's sucess and I think you should get a vacation, whatever that might look like! Love you!

I couldn't agree with you about the myspace and messanger stuff. These are not supposed to replace normal human interaction. They're supposed to be an addition.

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