Fragile...

For the last week or so I have been way more fragile than I normally am. I find that I'm seriously emotional and cry easily.  Sometimes without any warning a wave just grabs me. 

It interesting to observe the way I've reacted to grief.  To my conscious mind I'm not really grieving. I'm peaceful with my Grandma's passing, even though I'm sad about it. 

Yet here I am. I'm reacting the way I'm reacting and all I can do is observe it happening. I'm sort of just along for the ride. 

In the first days after she died, I was very visibly looking to numb and medicate. I ate everything comforting I could find and went shopping when I shouldn't have and spent more than I should have. I wanted cozy clothes and soft, warm blankets. It was all about comfort, comfort, comfort. 

The following week, I was experiencing the grief in my body in a horrible way. I almost felt like I had the flu. I hurt, and I just wanted to lay down and be left alone. 

This week, I'm doing okay most of the time. I don't even consciously think about it most of the time. However, there are the tears. I can be doing something totally benign and not even thinking about anything sad, and tears will start falling from my eyes. Also, I feel so lonely and sad. I never feel that way. I love alone time and I love being single. But this week, I'm am super lonely (but not lonely enough to spend time with people though lol). 

I don't know, it's weird. People grieve in their own ways. It's interesting to watch my soul go through this grieving process when I don't even really feel like I am grieving. 

Just though I'd share.