5.28.2007

My watering can needs water


I feel so melancholy lately, but especially today. I love my husband. I'm glad to be married to him. But this has been a particularly trying time with him lately. This last year of change and getting to know each other has definitely been a heavy one. I find myself struggling against thoughts of "what did I get myself into?" and also thinking about long lost loves. No, that's not true. It's the idea of other loves...not the loves themselves. Obviously, if those other people were all that great...they'd be here and not him right? Right.

I know Scott has been thinking these same things since I found some messages he was exchanging with a woman on myspace where he was barfing all over the place about how he feels he rushed into things too quickly and that he missed his old life. At least I'm saying these things here where it's somewhat anonymous. Not him. He could care less...no discretion. That's one of the things that I can't stand about him.

It's so easy to find things to hate about your "better half". After the newness of relationship goes away and the butterflies have gone dormant. When they stop being so cute and all you can see is them sitting there farting, and eating with their mouth open, and cackling like scooby-doo at the dumbest of jokes on tv. The snoring, the little white lies, the fact that they don't always wash their hands after they go to the bathroom. The gaze of adoration soon turns to a stare of contempt and you wonder what the heck you're doing here. I actually made a list the other day and I do feel better since I got it out of my mind. Now it's out there and not in here, if you know what I mean. Then as soon as I start to feel better about things, something else happens to bring these feelings right back. I feel that I can't trust him as far as I can spit...and that isn't very far. I feel that I have to question everything that he says to me. Etc., etc. It's like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. He's done some pretty crappy things so far... when is he going to do them again? When is he going to do something alot worse? Thoughts of others who have gone before...and of happier times...keep filling my mind. Surely they wouldn't hurt me like this. They would love me and treat me right. They would be attracted to me and want to make love to me. Then thoughts of karma start to swirl in my mind. Am I reaping or sowing right now? Lord knows my life hasn't been perfect. I have lots to reap I'm sure. I just hope it's swift and quick justice. I want to be happy. Peaceful.

I know it's inevitable that our spouses will do things over the years to hurt us...they're only human. Yeah, I know. I also know that the grass isn't any greener on the other side of the fence. The grass is greenest where it is watered. So I have my watering can out and am ready to do my gardening....but it needs refilled.

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