7.13.2006

Life


Have you ever noticed that right in the middle of the word "life" is the word "if" just staring out at you? Yep A big bunch of LIFES are just made up of a bunch of little "if"'s. I was thinking about this today as I was pondering my life and the rest of it. Lately this has been a pretty easy thing to do since I've been so peacefully happy. But today I allowed a few of the little "what if's" to pop into my mind. What if something goes wrong? What if he decides he doesn't love me anymore? What if he cheats on me? What if he withdraws emotionally and becomes depressed and never connects with me and we end up having a lonely relationship? You can see how the "what if's" can really get to you. But in order to maintain fair balance I decided to allow the other side of this debate to speak. "What if it stays just as peaceful and balanced as it is right now?" What if he really is as genuine as you've always known him to be? What if he really is as good around your children as it appears that he is? What if he really is that affectionate, funny, smart, friendly, helpful and God-seeking as he seems to be right now? Ok, here's a big one...What if you let him go out of fear...and then he turned out to be the best thing ever? I think that's the most appropriate question. Because I think he really is so wonderful. And spending this week or so together in close quarters has only made me believe it and see it so much more. And it's brought up other "if" issues too. Such as, What if he's the one? What if I'm supposed to say yes. What if this entire situation was set up by God himself so that I could appreciate the beauty of imperfection I always love in different situations. The fact that the timing was off and he was in another state and his health wasn't perfect and neither was his financial situation. I've thought about all of that and I've come to the conclusion that all of that was orchestrated with God's hands just for me. The girl who loves messy love. And loves people and situations that are beautifully and imperfectally perfect. Yes, perhaps that was it. Perhaps that's what he was thinking... "if I give it to her like this, and if he says to her like that...it will strike that chord in her heart that will resonate throughout her like never before. That's right...never before. Well, never since I was 15 and I knew it with him. I knew...I just always did. I considered him "the one that got away". And I looked for him and searched for him always asking God "what if" when I found him. And I did find him and it did open up a whole fresh box of "if's" for my life. But it seems that every question I've asked, he has answered with a sweet and beautiful answer. I question, he answers. I say "are you?", he says "yes I am."

I've always been a firm believer in "doubt-means-don't"...but what's so scary is that I haven't had any doubt. And I've been praying for doubt in a big way. I want to be discerning. I want to be responsible and aware. I want what God wants. And it even seems that when I ask God the same question, I get the same answer... Lord, is he?....Yes he is.

I was asked a very beautiful, heart-felt, personal, important question by Scott recently...and I said yes. It's a very quiet yes for now....but still a yes. I need to continue seeing the consistency in my life for a little while longer still before it becomes a big, loud yes. Please pray for me as you would want me to pray for you.

p.s. He bought me flowers today. The most beautiful little silver bucket of lavender, white and periwinkle buds you could ever find. Perfection...absolute perfection. What if he changes? What if he doesn't? What if he stays the same thoughtful, genuine, loving guy that you've always known him to be? Then I guess I'll be a pretty lucky girl.

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