7.25.2006

Reactions


Recently someone did something that sent me reeling. I don't really want to talk about what it was, but it was someone that I trusted implicitly and loved very much and when I had seen what this person had done...I was so hurt. And mad. I felt betrayed and was so sad. And it's still haunting me. The problem is that I don't want to stay there in that ugly place. I want to heal and move forward, but I just don't know how. I know that this wasn't a true reflection of this persons character...at least I hope not, and so I don't want to shut the door on them forever. I want to forgive and so I'm praying for the Lord to show me how. The desire is there, but God has to do the healing I suppose because it seems that my whole being has shut down in large part to this person. Trust and vulnerability were all affected and I can feel myself starting to get really depressed...which is what worries me the most. I really don't want to ever go back there again. I feel resentful and lonely. And I always say that carrying resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die...it does you no good at all. So I've gotta get rid of this pronto.

This person has apologized and I believe they are sincere. I know that this is a situation for the Lord to heal....something between he and I....not this other person and I. I need to decide to get over it and heal and set better boundaries next time, but it's oh so easy to just shut down instead. Even if I don't mean to or want to...it's subconsciously happened. I've been praying alot lately for the Lord to teach me how to react appropriately to situations. I think because of my unhealhty upbringing that I never truly learned that art. Everything was unhealhty and dysfunctional, so the way I learned to react was the same. I have always either under-reacted and things just roll off of me that others would be shocked at...or I over-react and go off when I don't really need to go that far. I do believe that I reacted appropriately in this situation...the problem now is letting go. React appropriately, process it, heal, move on.

I'm hoping that writing about it will help exorcise some of these demons and get it out. I'm willing to try anything I guess.

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