He always knows what's best for me.
I don't always agree with him,
and way too often I fight him,
kicking, screaming, begging and bargaining.
He holds me tight in a spiritual bear hug
with my pleading, tear-stained face begging him
not to force certain changes on me.
Please don't make me do that,
or please don't take that person away from me,
or please give me such and such...just this one time.
All too often, he tells me no.
And all too often he has to hold that bear hug for a long, long time.
Until I finally tire myself out from the struggle
of trying to make it happen and will it into existence,
when I finally stop fighting and slump into a heap in his arms.
Where my head and throat ache from the crying (literal or imagined),
and there are no words left because the exhaustion
makes talking too much of an effort.
A victim of spiritual ADD my whole life long,
being still and knowing that He is God is a thing of great difficulty for me.
Not the knowing part, but the being still and cooperating bit.
Or the being still and behaving myself.
Or the being still and quiet long enough
to allow him to captivate me.
Because he wants to.
Captivate me, that is.
He wants to woo me.
He loves me.
HE is the lover of my soul.
Not another man who will walk away from me.
Or a friend that will betray my loyalty.
With HIM, there is no other shoe to drop.
The problem is that it's easy for His voice to be drowned out
by any other loud, distracting noise going on in life.
Just as I'm starting to hear his voice again,
my head spins around as I exclaim,
"OOOH! SOMETHING SHINY!!!"
I wish it were as easy to fix as taking a pill.
I know that it's always for my good.
And I'm ALWAYS a better person at the other end.
But I don't think I will ever learn to love the process.
Loss is painful.
Change is hard.
And sometimes sad.
It's a good thing he said to come just as I am.
Because sometimes I look good,
but other times I'm a big hot mess.
I can feel that I pretty much have quit struggling
during this latest bear hug.
The quiet and surrender have descended on me.
Acceptance has begun.
Which means a whole new kind of pain has too.
But at least I have been through this process
enough times to be able to recognize the progress.
I know that the hardest part is over.
I don't know how to do that.
I thank HIM that I don't have to know
because it's His job to know.
I just have to surrender.
I feel bad that it takes so much energy on his part
to get me to the point of surrender.
I mean EVERY SINGLE TIME
I'm like a wild horse who needs broken.
I stay broken for that part of the journey only
and then it has to be done all over again.
Like I turn into a pumpkin at midnight or something.
I guess He knew what he was getting himself into when he
a) created me
b) decided to love me forever
I am still.