8.04.2006

The bull is behind me

I wonder what's new with them. Maybe I don't. Do I really want to know? Do I really want to go there? No. Not really. For the first time ever I realize that I don't even really care. I'm not even really curious. I have indifference. That's how you know you've moved on...not by anger, hurt or even sadness...indifference is the one you're looking for. For the first time ever..."the bull is behind me".

Nobody in the world has ever known what that little inside joke has meant. It was just between us. But it had to do with a little plastic bull (I still say it's a goat...but he was always too stubborn to give in) and it hung on a towel rack behind his toilet. And as crude as it sounds...in this day and age of technology where cell-phones and laptops can go anywhere ...sometimes I'd ask him what he's doing, or what he's up to and he would reply... "the bull is behind me". It cracked me up...but it stuck and became code. Now it has a different meaning to me though...as in I've really put the bull (and all that came with it) behind me.

I'm always nervous driving on that side of town because I don't even want to see his car. Will I see him in the doctors office? In the store? Man I hope not. I'll be civil. I'll be polite. But I'm just so uninterested in anything that has to do with him now. What a change from a year ago huh? I think it's so ironic that one of the things God has used in my life to bring healing was also named "Scott"... I love that...when God heals he does it completely...he even healed the sound of that name in my ears...now it's just beautiful. Except that no one ever knows who in the world I'm talking about sometimes when I say "Scott this or that...", they always say, "wait a minute...which Scott?" lol

I hope that they are doing fine. I'm sure they are...he's not done with her yet. Oh, did I say that out loud??? Ooops! And if he still reads this from time to time I'm sure that comment will sting a little bit...but I stand by it. Oh well...moving on...which is exactly what I want to do. New life. New hopes. New dreams. Someone who is genuinely interested in me. And he may not be perfect...but neither am I. But he has integrity. And he's honest. And he's genuine...not contriving, self-righteous, or an opportunity seeker. He loves me. And he's loyal to me....and those things combined can truly cover a multitude of sins. I love you Scott....MY Scott...the only one that matters to me.

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