Bittersweet


Tonight is a night of forced reflection. It's the last night that I'll ever live in this house, this city, this county, this region--you get the idea. It's a very bittersweet place in time for me because I know that I have a wonderful life coming to me--friends who really love me--but letting go has never been an easy thing for me to do. I keep reaching out for people that I love desperately--friends, lovers, loved-ones--without any responses. No responses to emails, no returned phone calls, sitting at empty dinner tables.
One of those people once told me that I "love with undeserved loyalty." I never saw it because I was happy to do it. If you fall onto my love radar, prepare to be fully loved! But tonight I'm feeling the weight of that. I'm so, so, so sad. I'm finally done making excuses for other people and why they don't love me the way I'm supposed to be loved, and it's a tough pill to swallow--the thought that after 35 years on this earth I'm leaving town without a soul caring aside from my beautiful friend Andrea and Scott's ex-wife Tami (it's sad that I'm closer with her than I am my own husband!). They were the only ones who extended themselves to do something kind for me and tell me that I am loved and appreciated and that I will be missed.
This was more than a brick in the "trust no one" wall--this was a whole story of bricks. From now on I will only love those who love me in return. I will be pursued instead of pursuing. The ones who really love me will actually find out what the inside of my new home looks like. Never again will I extend myself like I have in the past. I guess this is a whole new life in a way that I never expected. It hurts when you think people love you and realize that they don't. My mind is rolling over and over with lists of names--some friends, some family--some I've known my whole life, some for a few years--none of them even caring enough to say, "Good luck! I'll miss you!" What my flesh wants to do is send each one of them a big, "F*** You" letter, but I know that will quickly pass. That same friend from above also told me that, "anger is merely hurt unresolved." How true. This hurt is definitely unresolved and I don't know which is stronger right now, the hurt or the anger. This isn't what I expected my last night here to feel like.
Good riddance to all of you people who won't even know how I'm feeling because you don't ask, don't call and can't be bothered to read this. Good riddance.
Every new beginning comes from some other new beginning's end.

**update: Carl called me apologizing profusely and saying that he slept through it because of some medication he had to take. I believe him and I appreciated his call. I believe he's one of the select few that will actually keep in touch with me. I haven't heard from anyone else though.

Comments

Allison said…
Praying for you today. No matter how wonderful you think your new life will be, I know it must be hard to leave the life and the city that you have lived in your whole life. It's okay to be sad and to grieve what you are leaving behind. Love you, friend.
Rita now showing up as 29Palms resident said…
Thinking and praying for you. Love you V.
Kim said…
I know leaving your home was really, really hard. I left my home to move here at age 16,and even then it was really painful. It takes time to adjust to a new home, but hopefully the fact that you have such faithful friends here will make it all happen faster. Hugs to you and my prayers are with you and your family that everything goes smoothly and you soon learn to call Dayton home.