4.30.2006

Ding dong the prick is dead (at least for two weeks anyways)

Ahhhh. The house to myself. At least as to myself as it can be with four kids here. lol Randy left tonight for a week in Vegas. Tell me this...what in the world was I thinking when I wanted to buy a house with my ex-husband? Actually, it was a really good plan on paper. The issue wasn't with the plan. The issue is that the ex-husband this was happening with was him. Am I right or am I right?
So he's off for his annual dart tournament, whatever-the-heck-it-is-he-does every year thing. It's the time of year that he stops paying his share of the bills (even more than usual) and sinks all of his money into this stupid trip. Speaking of money...heehee. As he was getting ready to leave I was awoken from a dead sleep to his screaming and yelling that somebody took his money. I was knocked out from a day at the racetrack and sitting in the sun. Supposedly he had an envelope of money in his room and a little over $50 was missing from the $400 he had in there and boy was he having a fit. Now let me start with this....I have FANTASIZED about taking every penny he has probably a thousand times a day for the last year and a half. He has screwed me financially every which way you can think of. But I've never been able to do it. Not a dollar. Why? Because once again I'm way to friggin nice. I just figure it will work itself out in the end.
So I keep asking him, "are you sure it's not somewhere else? Did you count it when you got it from the bank?" , etc. He screams back "It was all there this morning!!! I counted it!" I reminded him that we were all gone ALL DAY LONG so it couldn't have been us. I felt like throwing in there that if it was me (as he was implying) that he's an even bigger idiot than I already think he is if he believes I would've stopped at $50!!!! I would've snatched that $400 up so fast his head would spin! Psssshhhhh please! I believe the kids that they didn't take it...I can usually tell when they're lying and I don't think they are. I think last night he either drunkenly overspent, or else his crack-whore stole it from him. I heard him on the phone asking her how hung-over she was today. Date a crack whore...you're gonna get robbed! DUH. All I kept thinking the whole time is this:
It couldn't have happened to a nicer guy!

4.27.2006

So fresh and so clean clean

Why do I feel the need to be friends with everyone? Why do I feel the need to keep relationships going that certainly should not be. They aren't healthy or they aren't benefiting me and I really have no business being there. Well, just because that's the way I'm made, unfortunately. I'm a nurturer and I'm fiercely loyal...to an absolute fault. There's certainly no problem with "weaving and cleaving" for me that's for sure! lol If I like you enough to become your friend, then I will usually have a spot reserved for you in my heart and thoughts forever. Unless you do something really hideous that is....like abuse me or hurt my children (I threw that in there because I honestly think that the evil one is the ONLY person in my entire life that I've absolutely burned a bridge to...and rightfully so!). If I care for you I will stand there with my arms open to you even if it is hurting me to look in your direction. Stupid. Sure is.
Well, in the last few days I have done a sweeping spring cleaning of sorts. I'm the kind of person that never deletes a contact, or email address. I figure you're never too far away if you're in my address book or on my buddy list. Well lately I've been thinking about this and I've had an epiphany. Here it is:
Why should I be so loyal to people who could give a crap about me???
Sounds like rocket science huh? lol Well believe me, it is for me! So I went through my address book and my buddy list and I deleted soooo many people. All ex-boyfriends...OUT! People that were not contributing to me in a positive way...OUT! I only blocked a few people that I don't want to hear from again but I figure that it all goes back to what I was feeling a year or so ago....I'm tired of one-sided relationships! If there's going to be contact going on...let them contact me! I'm not going to pursue anymore. And even if I'm not pursuing, I'm not going to be so available. Maybe I'm being selfish, but oh well!
One person in particular lately has truly hurt my feelings ALOT. I won't mention any names... oooooooh, I almost did anyways! lol But no, I'm too nice. lol It's almost like he holds whether or not he's available to talk to me over my head. Like he can't decide if he wants to be my friend. I can always tell when he has me blocked because you can't block someone who's on your list...and he keeps requesting to re-add me...so putting 2 and 2 together there must've been a reason he keeps deleting me. Being the nice person I am I allow him to re-add me every time...but no more! You don't get to talk to me anymore! Move on! I've never done anything to you and you are totally undeserving of my friendship. You shit on me! Screw you buddy! Can you tell I'm tired and heading to bed? haha (Megan is always surprised whenever she calls at just how cranky I am when I wake up. lol Well, I can be that way when I'm heading to bed too! lol)
It feels like a load has been lifted off! It nearly killed me every time I hit "delete" and the box would pop up asking if I'm sure I want to delete this contact and I had to click "yes." But I did it and now I'm already starting to feel lighter. No more ghosts clinging to my leg like a toddler who doesn't want mommy to leave. Actually, that's not totally true. I left a couple of addresses there where there's guaranteed to be nothing but a ghost on the other end. There will never be anyone there again.
As stupid as it sounds Scott and I each had our own goofy email addresses for fun... "lolalovespepe" and "pepeloveslola" (obviously our nicknames). I tried several times to delete them and I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Just like I couldn't bring myself to delete Pastors email address. This June will be the third anniversary of his death and I just can't do it. Of the most important relationships in my life those are both on the short list. And they're both gone now. Maybe someday I'll be able to hit the delete button. For now I guess I have to settle for babysteps.

I almost found Jesus!


It was definitely saving grace that I didn't walk into that bar the other night for the birthday parties! A friend called me yesterday and said, "I can't believe I forgot to tell you this!! Jesus (hay-zus come on people! lol) was there!" I was shocked for a moment and then she said, "he looked HORRIBLE!! He's gained a ton of weight...he must weigh 300 pounds now. And his hair is long and looks bad....girl he went downhill after you!" I was surprised. I mean, Jesus was always a big guy...and I didn't mind at all....I became a believer (wink, wink haha)! But wow. I've heard these reports from several people but never wanted to listen. It's sad to me. She said that he was sitting there eating and someone kept insisting it was him. The rest of the group thought they were crazy till someone called out his name and he turned around. He came over and sat with them for a while and bought everyone a shot. My friend said, "I kept trying not to stare but I just had to keep looking into his face trying to find anything that resembled the Jesus I knew before."


Like I said, I'm glad I didn't go in. I've thought about him often and would honestly love to see him. But not like that.

4.25.2006

Blah


Lately I just haven't been feeling it. And by "it", I mean pretty much everything. I've been trying to figure it out. Get to the bottom of it. It's a feeling that's familiar to me, but I haven't been able to figure out from where. I just can't put my finger on it. It's not depression...at least not like I normally experience. I mean, I'm not sad. I'm not having horrible thoughts. As a matter of fact, I'm not really unhappy at all. I'm just.....BLAH. I could care less about anything. I sleep all the time just because I'm so bored with everything. I don't feel like talking to anyone and pretty much could care less about blogging. I don't want to go anywhere. I was thinking for a minute that I should take a vacation, but then I figured I would get to some exotic location and just sleep the whole time or sit there and stare at the water because I could care less where I was. lol I just have no enthusiasm for ANYTHING. Oh, and I've noticed that I'm taking things WAY TOO PERSONALLY. Someone can hurt my feelings at the drop of a witty one liner. Or like today someone asked what I was doing and I said "just blogging" And they said "Is that all U do??" Normally that wouldn't even catch my attention, but today it hurt my feelings. I haven't been like that for years. Like I said, I'm not sad. My life is actually going pretty good lately. So what's up with that?

What's going on in my life that's different from three years ago? Three years ago I was so different. I never live it down at work that my supervisor said to me "You used to be so effervescent...what's happened to you?" Everyone thinks it's the funniest thing that she called me "effervescent" because most people associate that word with stuff like alka seltzer. LOL But actually it means "to show high spirits or animation". I remember one time a few years ago someone made a comment about how people were drawn to me because I had a "glow". Now I'm not in any way saying these things to ring my own bell, only to contrast where I am today. I don't feel like I'm any of those things anymore. I feel like an empty shell. I'm absolutely not the same person I was a few years ago. I feel......like I did when I lived with the evil one. Ewww, I can't believe I even said that out loud! I'm certainly not as miserable as I was then, but the emptiness...that's the same.

The whole thing has really been bugging me lately and so I've been kind of grasping at straws to find something to help or to figure it out. I've been praying more, and a little differently. I like to listen to Joyce Meyers sermons while I'm at my computer and have been doing that more lately. I've been trying to watch my mouth more. Been trying to stay away from people that aren't so good for me. Do better with my finances, etc. It's almost like the annointing is gone from my life. Ecclesiastes tells us that God not only gives us the blessings in our lives but gives us the ability to enjoy them. If he removes that annointing from your life you're not going to enjoy ANYTHING.

So I was just going through a binder that I have for all of my notes, etc. from different sermons and conferences and I came across a paper from years ago. It's from a Joyce Meyer conference I went to and I'm guessing it's from like 2001. Can't be sure. What struck me was a list that I jotted down at the top.

God's dealing with me today:1. Finances2. Cussing3. Leaving [the evil one] 4. Quick to anger5. Laziness (too much sleep)6. Health/wt/eating/exercise (discipline)


I just stared at that list for a minute because aside from #3, I could've written that list today! Alot of those issues I haven't had to deal with for several years now, but they're all back now. I have gone full circle from all of the victory God had given me back to the exact same situation I was in before. Wow... backslidden! I'm a backslider! lol Everyone likes a title I guess. However, that one I could do without.

The short list of things that I can figure out is as follows: I've gotten out of the church habit that I've had my whole life...I hardly ever go anymore. I've started cussing more...which actually is more of a symptom than a cause but the fact that usually I don't even try to stop myself makes it a cause for further downward spiral. I participate in gossip more often. Ok, so basically so far garbage in/garbage out. Then there's the thing with Scott. I have no doubt that changed me. The other thing that definitely affected me was the episode that happened with an ex-friend's husband last fall. He is a psychotic douch-bag of a person with no boundaries whatsoever. That was a horrible night (although it was fun to see Shawnda go off on someone lol). One thing's for sure is that it changed who I am. I've been through so much that I'm not sure why that particular event changed me so much. But it did. I've gone into my shell more. The natural flirt I once was? Nope, gone. It broke my heart and it made me question the "effervescent" person I once was. I guess I was all of a sudden afraid to be her. Almost embarrassed to be her. If just being myself could be misinterpreted that badly by someone...I'd better not be her anymore. I guess it's almost like what a rape victim goes through. They start wearing heavy sweaters to cover themselves up, they avoid people, etc. Maybe it's because I've allowed the devil to get that foothold in my life making me ashamed of the beautiful creature that God had made me. Because believe me, the "effervescence" had nothing to do with me! It's alllll him! I've got to get past this somehow. I guess just being aware of it and fixing the things in my life that I have control over...that's about the only thing I can do.

4.24.2006

Carl's right, I am a freak beacon

I cannot believe the nerve of some people!!! I normally don't chat with people on here or anyone else that I don't know because...well, just because they're wierd. Or perverted. But lately I've been thinking I'm just too stuck in my ways...open up and get out there. Right? WRONG! There's a guy I've been chatting to named Ron (NO NOT THAT RON! LOL). He's from NYC and he's been sweatin me big time. I talked to him for a couple of weeks just because he seemed like a nice guy and he was awake in the middle of the night like I am sometimes. It's never been anything even remotely flirty. Just plain conversation.

My first alarm bell went off a week or so ago (and what do you think I did? That's right...I ignored it.). We were talking about how I work nights and have to sleep during the day. First he said something about me needing to change that. No big deal. But then he kept on....more and more persistent. And even though you can't really tell tone on messenger...I got the vibe from him. I lived with an abusive prick for far too long. He started saying things like, "No, Veronica listen to me. You're gonna change that." So I'd respond with some remark such as , "Oh I am? Am I? And why would that be? What do you care what time I go to bed?" He would quickly change the subject and say something funny, etc. And other comments he made really rubbed me wrong. He seemed very judgemental at times and quite rigid and controlling. But then he'd be cool again. I've just started to get an uneasy feeling from him so I've been invisible to him for a few days. So tonight I guess I forgot to go invisible or change my status message when I went to watch t.v. BIG F***ING DEAL!!! Right? I mean if you i.m. someone and they don't respond, they either don't want to talk to you or they're not there. Am I the only one that gets this?

So I come in here to do something and there is a message up from him. I'll give you some of it:

rohanvk2002: Hi
rohanvk2002: Veronica
rohanvk2002: Are you there?? rohanvk2002: Man I really wanted talk to ya
rohanvk2002: Hey u there yet?
rohanvk2002: why are you not talking to me............
rohanvk2002: I just need to know why Veronica....c'mon
rohanvk2002: stop being like that! (this is where I came back in the room...he'd been going for about 1 1/2 hours)
nursiev: wow, looks like the party started without me!
nursiev: lol
nursiev: was watching tv
rohanvk2002: Jesus christ
nursiev: excuse me?
rohanvk2002: nada
rohanvk2002: why u ppl leave ur msgnr on??
nursiev: well, first of all, i'm not "u ppl", I'm me
nursiev: and second of all if you write and i don't resond that should clue you into the fact that i'm not there
nursiev: so sorry you were inconvenienced

rohanvk2002: no I was just upset
rohanvk2002: cuz u werent responding
nursiev: well, you have no reason to be upset at me OR take it out on me
rohanvk2002: Im not taking anything out on u (he quits talking)
nursiev: well, after all that you sure aren't very talkative now!
nursiev: have a good night
rohanvk2002: heyy
rohanvk2002: c'mon
rohanvk2002: geeez u got some temper Veronica!

Is it just me? Am I wrong? Am I crazy? Too sensitive maybe? It just seems to me that for someone who doesn't know me from Adam he sure is a bossy, controlling potential asshole! And I won't tolerate that from people I LOVE let alone a complete stranger that I'm trying to be nice to! Bugger off buddy... you are soooo blocked! Na na na na, hey hey hey, goooodbyyyyye!

4.22.2006

Devil with a blue dress on


Oh let me count the ways that I am soooo happy the last two work days are O-V-E-R!!! I wouldn't even know where to start! Last night was worse than the night before, which I wasn't sure would be possible...but it was. It was my turn to float to another floor, so I got to float to ORTHO (makes me wanna puke just saying it!). I got into a "tiff" with another nurse before heading over there...which is pretty much unheard of for me, I get along with everyone, but i have trouble with her for some reason and I feel like total crap because I made her cry. Yikes...you can imagine the guilt right now. So then when I get to ortho the nurse over there who shall remain nameless (but not odorless thats for sure!) tells me that she did me a favor by only giving me three patients since she knows I had a bad night last night. What she didn't know was that I was well aware that they were the three WORST people on the floor. So of course I immediately called her on it. I said "DOING ME A FAVOR?? YOU GAVE ME THE DEVIL AND HER TWO COHORTS!"

She thought I was kidding at first because she didn't realize that I had to help hold down and restrain one of these patients the night before and got kicked, punched and scratched. She just kept screaming over and over "I'M THE DEEEEVILLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!! I'M THE DEEEEEEVILLLLLLLLLL!!!! I HAVE HORNS YOU JUST CAN'T SEE WHEN I'M IN THIS BODY!!!!!!" When someone tried to calm her down by saying nicely "do I detect an accent there? :) Where are you from?" She responded by screaming "DID I ASK YOU WHERE YOU'RE FROM???? YOU DON'T HAVE PERMISSION TO ASK ME WHERE I'M FROM!!! YOU'RE NOT THE HOLY ONE!!! YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME!!! I'M THE DEEEEEEVILLLLLLLL!!!!!" Now mind you, to look at this woman she would look like a total sweet little old lady but I thought it was totally fitting that our hospital gowns are blue because she became known as the "Devil with a blue dress on" to me.

And of course, the doctor wanted to try a night without restraints. Um, okay then. Good luck with that......not! GOSH! IDIOT! lol The devil pulled out her i.v. The devil pulled out her catheter. The devil pulled out her drains. It was a lovely time.

So now I get to go to bed and then spend time with my kids then I get to head out tonight to a big birthday night out for my girls Kathy and Marla. Nah nah nah nah gonna have a good time!!!! (And if anyone plays devil with a blue dress on tonight I'm gonna catch a case! Hope someone has bail money! lol)

Girl, interrupted


A funny thing happened last night. I clammed up. I know this sounds crazy but I did. lol I worked with someone whom I had never met before named M., and she would not shut up. It wasn't just that she wouldn't shut up, whenever I or anyone else would start talking she would talk right over us! She would cut you off, talk right over you...whatever she had to do. If you tried to ignore her and just keep talking, she would come stand in front of you, or she would wave her arms and call your name until you stopped talking and she had your attention. Then she would just totally change the subject and go on with what she wanted to say. She was so rude I was flabbergasted! Normally if someone is being that rude I don't have any trouble saying something to them. My mouth gets me in trouble way too often. lol But she was SOOOOO rude that I didn't even say anything to her! I just sat and watched her in amazement. For eight of the twelve hours I was there this went on. We had plenty of conversation through the night but most of it consisted of her asking me questions, me answering them, then her cutting me off at the quick the instant she had heard what she thought was enough.

I kept growing more and more irritated as the time went on and then I started to notice something else. My alarms bells kept going off about her and I could feel my distrust and dislike of her growing minute by minute. And the louder my alarm bells got the quieter I became, trying to let her do all of the talking. She was fishing for information! Why? What was she up to? What was her motive? I felt like I was in the movies and I wanted to grab her and say, "WHO SENT YOU???" lol Jill, a nurse I was working with, noticed it too and when the first girl walked away for a minute Jill said to me "I've never heard you this quiet! You thinking what I'm thinking? She's not to be trusted!" Yep, exactly.

The funny thing is that I really don't care who knows what about me... to a point anyways. Some things are private, but for the most part I'm like the old man who tells his stories to anyone who wants to hear them. lol I have this blog for crying out loud! And despite all the people that I've learned have read my blog....ex's. Ex's of ex's. Not so ex's of ex's. Etc. I refuse to make it private. It's just something that comes with the territory. Being exposed. Feeling wide open. I'm sure it's something that every blogger feels from time to time. But this was different. This was like conversation rape.

I'm someone who wants to be pursued. I like someone to woo me and win me over. But the thing about me is that it has to be subtle. I can't stand aggressiveness. I prefer assertiveness. lol You need to know what you want and go after it, but it can't be too obvious. Well, this woman was anything but subtle! I think she thought she was, but she was failing miserably. I felt violated and naked after talking to her....and I didn't like that at all.

I'm not sure what I learned from this yet, I'm still processing and analyzing it. I know it's all part of the life lesson I'm getting lately about trust and vulnerability. I've been at a fork in the road and have been praying for guidance with my writing, my thoughts, my spirit, my emotions....with basically everything. There is a time and place for everything and a season to everything under the sun. The time to be very "out there" was necessary for my growth because I was soooo repressed and locked up that I was afraid and hesitant to write anything. I had to learn to just let it go in order to get used to the feeling of being vulnerable and possibly judged. But that season has passed. I've conquered that issue for the most part and now it's time to rein it in a little bit. Now it's time to tame it and control it. It's the process. I've given into it and have been trying to go with the flow. I'm just not totally sure what I need to take away from this particular experience.

How do you put yourself out there openly and honestly without feeling emotionally slutty? To be a conversational flirt without conversationally sleeping with everyone. That's the balance. That's the goal.

4.19.2006

A love letter of memory

Pepe,

"You moved like honey in my dream last night. Yeah, some old fires were burning.
You came near to me and you endeared to me. You’ll remember me like a melody
Yeah, I’ll haunt the world inside you. And my big secret - gonna win you over.
Slow like honey, heavy with mood. I’ll let you see me, I’ll covet your regard.
I’ll invade your demeanor. And you’ll yield to me like a scent in the breeze.
And you’ll wonder what it is about me. It’s my big secret - keeping you coming.
Slow like honey, heavy with mood."

I dreamed of the last time I had you. We made love so full of emotion we both cried. Your dark hair, my dark hair intertwined like our legs, arms and lips. Surrounded by candlelight you looked so beautiful and handsome. Your face...I always miss touching your face so much...and my love in the candlelight you were a vision to hold onto. I left you naked and sleeping and slipped away into the snow. I knew I'd never see you again.

I dreamed of the first time I had you. Fresh morning light. Ugly green flannel and nursing whites. The skin underneath of them knew before we did that this was bigger than the two of us. We were destined to collide....and collide we did. Tasting, kissing, loving for hours on end. It far surpassed your first fantasy of me: Full body press and passionate first kiss against the wall in the hallway leading to the gym. Little did we know the journey we were about to take.

I dreamed of the time I had you when commitment was new. A glorious night in Tremont and we were both very inebriated to say the least. You let it slip that you had slept with Kim once and it hurt my feelings so bad that I cried. Right there on the bar at Edisons. You helped me downstairs to the restroom and had such an empassioned kiss right there against the basement wall....you kissed away my tears and you vowed to me that you would never be with Kim again. That you were getting divorced and you swore it was over....and it was just you me and hawaii baby. We went home and made love on your couch and then you sat behind me in the tub and shampooed my hair and bathed me....so romantic.

I've dreamed of you many times. Each time is just pure sweetness. I can never be with you again...but I love you. You are my friend...my lover. We made plans. We shared time. We shared our souls for a little while. Do you still have the bull behind you? :) I hope so. I hope always. No matter where you live or how old you get....always have the bull behind you babe.

I love inside stories and jokes. Secrets. I don't like that we have to be a secret now or ever. What we had was to big to be dumbed-down to fix into a little box for secrets. It was too special. Too beautiful. Too big. Let me cross your mind every now and then. Sit on the shores of love and just let it go. Think of my hands touching you. My breasts. Our lips. The smell of my Tresor...you always loved that scent. Every now and then.

~Lola

4.18.2006

The Great American Songbook


Mmmmmm, I still have goosebumps all over my body after watching American Idol tonight. They had to choose songs from the great American songbook aka "standards" aka my favorite music! What is it about that music that moves me so? It is in my blood. It's in every breath that I take. When I hear those songs sometimes it moves me so much that it takes my breath away and I get teary eyed. It's the music that I hear when I dream and it's the soundtrack to my life. Most people "don't get it" and my kids roll their eyes whenever it's playing lol, but that's okay it doesn't bother me....it's just who I am. I remember as a teenager working at Cedar Point. The place that we had to collect our paychecks was above the big arcade and it just so happened to be the site of the old big band ballroom. Besides the tacky modern-looking chairs and trash cans set up in there (they do alot of training sessions up there now...the picture is up top) I think it probably looks exactly the same as it did in the 30's and 40's. I would sometimes just stand there and stare with a "glorified imagination"(as my pastor used to call it...really letting yourself experience something) going wild. I could see the stage filled with the swing orchestra and the dance floor filled with ladies in their finest dancing with men dressed to the nines. I could see the cigarette girl with the tray around her neck passing through the crowd. I can hear the sound of the band....the sweet sounds of the singing. The smell of heavy perfume and cigars in the air. The art deco style might be faded now, but I bet it was glorious back then. Man I was born in the wrong time!

I am glad that my kids have been exposed to this genre of music. Most people have never been exposed to it and so don't know much about it or aren't sure what to make of it. They don't appreciate it, that's for sure. But tonight as we watched the show more than once I heard one of my kids say something like "wow, that was a really good rendition of that song". They've heard it played so much they can recognize a good version. lol What really got their attention though was when they heard "That's All". All I heard erupting around the living room was "THIS WAS ON THE WEDDING SINGER!!! HOW COOL!!!" lol Then it was my turn to roll my eyes. They didn't care that it's one of the best songs ever sang, the fact that it was on an Adam Sandler movie is what impressed them. lol That's okay though...whatever gets it out there and makes them listen to it. :)

What amazed me is that everyone on the show seemed to do FANTASTIC!! Except for Kelly...she was really pitchy...but other than that I was soooo impressed. Those can be tough songs to sing and they all did a really, really good job. Tonight made me think way back to my favorite A.I. moment...when Kelly Clarkson sang "Stuff Like That There" (one of my faves). I have no idea who's going to be voted off tomorrow. What do you guys think?

4.17.2006

you got your yang in my yin!


Know how I know that things will get better and be different? Because it's the law. lol It's the law of nature, of the universe, of physics. For every inside there must be an outside. For ever good there must be bad. For every yin there must be a yang. If there is holiness, there must be evil. Newton's third law of motion says:
"For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction."

I don't remember much from physics class, but that has always stuck with me. That's just the way it is. If you throw a ball against a wall, it will come back to you with the same force that you threw it. It will be equal...but opposite. It's karma. It's "what you reap is what you sow."
So for every set back I've had...I know I'm going to have success. For every heartbreak I've had, I know I have that much happiness in store for me. And for all of the love I invest in people...even if I don't get it back immediately, I know that I have that much coming back to me eventually. :)

I'm 33 for a moment


I can feel it happening day by day and let me tell you, I love the process. I am in awe of the process. The process of healing is what I'm talking about. I'm in awe of what happens in this life...of what God does...if you just allow the processes to happen. And some processes don't even need our cooperation! Sometimes they happen whether we allow them to or not. Look at the human body! Hearts beating, breathing happening, cells regenerating, cycles of hormones, thoughts, memories, desires, impulses.....even sleep. If I looked at any one of you right now and said "SLEEP!"....you wouldn't be able to. You could only lay down and relax and give into the process. Same with having an orgasm if you think about it. If you're too tense, thinking about it too much, sick, etc....you won't be having one anytime soon. All you can do is try to make the circumstances right and give into the process...and if you're lucky, you'll get lucky. lol

The Bible talks about walking through the valley of the shadow of death. It doesn't talk about staying there forever. When you've been going through some tough stuff the only way you'll stay there is if you fight God step-by-step and insist on staying there. If you give into the natural process you will...eventually...move out of the valley. And that's what's happening with me. I'm moving through...and amazingly quickly might I add. I have no doubt that the difference has been blogging. Some people may tire of reading about all of my emotional ups and downs and all I can say to them is....TOUGH! lol If you don't like it you can surely find another blog to read in this blog-heavy day and age. I'm not writing for you anyways!

I was watching tv today and a woman being interviewed was talking about how we need to "go for it! Because you only have about ten seconds before you become just a whisper." Wow. So true. And I have to say that even subconciously I usually live by that creed. Whether I like it or not, whether you like it or not lol, I've always been a very passionate person. I love hard. I mean hard. When I love, I love all the way. My loyalty is fierce and I will go to any length to protect my loved ones and also to make them feel important. Unfortunately, as I talked about in my last blog...everything has an equal but opposite reaction....which means I hurt just as hard as I love. It's just like going to Cedar Point and climbing onto their newest, tallest, fastest roller coaster. In order to get the most thrill you have to have the tallest hills. But tall hills mean long drops. And don't forget about all of the twists and turns and the little tiny hills that give you lots of air time where you just seem to be floating. That's my life. I could choose to live a safe life. I could choose to deny my nature and the personality I was made to have....but what fun would that be? Why would I choose to be the old-fashioned cars that only drive around in circles under shade trees when God created me to be a roller coaster?

Personally, the highs are worth the lows to me. I know that there will never be a low that I can't handle. There will never be a valley that God doesn't walk me through. Honey, I have been through WAAAAAYYYYY too much in this lifetime..... the only thing stopping me permanently is death. And even that doesn't scare me because I know where I'm going. I don't look forward to the lows by any means, but I know that I will be okay. It takes time for the process to take place, but time heals all wounds...and I will be okay eventually. I'm like teflon for bitterness.....it tries to hit me but slides right off every time. LOL And praise God for it! :)

It made me think of the song "100 Years". It talks about the different stages of life and how you're only at that stage but for a moment. How true. Just a few moments ago I was 16. Another moment ago I was holding one of my newborn babies in my arms staring in amazement. And another moment ago I was on my knees on my living room floor in the middle of the night in sheer despair while listening to my daughter tell the detectives what her step-dad had done to her. That was over three years ago now. And we're doing great. Time marches on. The train comes down the hill it just climbed up. And eventually the ride comes to an end. When my ride comes to an end I don't want to say, "man I wished I had just let go and enjoyed that more!" No. I want to have my eyes open in wonder. I want my hands up in the air, sometimes screaming on my way down the hills...but knowing that I felt every second of the ride.

4.16.2006

Quiz O'Rama

I love holidays. I HATE leaving my house on holidays though. I love to stay in and cacoon all day long doing absolutely nothing productive and watching old stupid movies all day long. White Men Can't Jump....oh yeah baby! ("Oh Beeeeleeeee"...in my best Rosie Perez imitation) And Wayne's World? I'm watching you next my friend! I'm still in my pajamas, I'm stuffed with jelly beans and honey glazed ham and I'm blog surfing while watching trash tv.....WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE BETTER THAN THIS????? That's the one thing I DO NOT miss about being married....having to go to his parents house every single sunday and every single holiday. Whatever! Nope...holidays are mine. If someone wants to come visit ME...then okay. But I don't want to go anywhere.

So as I'm surfing I'm coming across all the stupid, mindless quizzes and memes. I love making fun of myself so I decided...what's better than that? It goes perfectly with the theme of this day! So enjoy...or not...it's up to you. Know why? Because it's a holiday! And it's your time to do what you want!

YOU

Relationship Status: Divorced

Shoe size : 8.5

Parents still together? Nope

Siblings: One little brother and 3 step brothers, 1 step sister

Pets: Other than my 4 kids? None.



FAVORITES

Color: Depends on what we're talking about. Overall I'd have to say black, greens, deep reds, pink

Number: 7

Animal: none. If I had to pick one though it would be kitty-cats

Book: Do You Think I'm Beautiful? by Angela Thomas

Flower: Tulips. Or wildflowers.



DO YOU...

Twirl your hair? Sometimes. Not often.

Have tattoos? No way. On a girl? Yuck.

Cheat on tests? No. Well, maybe. If it's a sit-down classroom test I wouldn't, but if it's a have to fill out this paper and turn it into education at work or you'll get written up at work type of test...yeah I'll copy or share answers with anyone.

Like roller coasters? Used to. Not as much as I'm getting older....I'm too achey.



OPINIONS...

Wish you could live somewhere else? Hate my living situation. Would love to live somewhere else in that respect, but I love northern Ohio.

Write in cursive or print? Cursive...my printing SUCKS.

Own a cell phone? Yes.

Current clothing: Today? Yikes. lol Pajamas.

Current hair: Dark brown/black. (and yes people!!! It's my NATURAL color for the thousandth time! Although some gray is covered up...it's covered with the color God intended. lol) Medium length. Layers and texture. Side-parted.

Current thing I ought to be doing: Laundry.

Current CD in stereo: Steven Curtis Chapman. All About Love (I think that's what it's called).

Last movie you saw: Wayne's World

Last thing you ate: Easter Dinner...ham, etc.

Life on other planets? No. And if there is...who cares? Care about your own planet first people.

Do you hate yourself? Nope.

Collect anything? Angels. I used to collect tea pots and tea cups too, but I just don't have room for them.



ARE YOU...

A daydreamer: Yes.

Sarcastic: When am I not?

Shy: Yes, very much so although most people wouldn't know it.

Talkative: Only if I'm comfortable with you.



WOULD YOU RATHER...

Get your nose or lip pierced? Ew! Neither!. But I'd say nose if I had to pick one.



ARE YOU...

Simple or complicated? I'm the worst kind. lol I'm probably complicated but like to think I'm simple. No, really I am simple...unless you make things complicated. LOL



ABOUT YOU

What time is it: 4:45 pm

Nickname(s): V, Budge, Lola, Ro (usually V)



WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Where do you want to live: Near the water.

How many kids do you want: Well I have four so I guess I'd better stick with that answer. ;)

What kind of job do you want: I love being a nurse, but I'd also like to be make money as a writer.

Do you want to get married: Someday, absolutely.





UNIQUE

Nervous Habits: Many. I have OCD, but hide it well..most people would never know.

Are you double jointed? No.

Can you roll your tongue? Yes. I'm very talented. LOL

Can you raise one eyebrow? Not very well.

Can you cross your eyes? Yes.

Do you make your bed daily? God, no.



CLOTHES, ETC.

Which shoe goes on first: Whichever one I pick up first.

Ever thrown one at someone:Yes. lol

How much money do you carry in your wallet: Money? What's that?



IN THE LAST MONTH HAVE YOU...

Bought something: Yes. Stupid Easter Baskets.

Gotten sick: Yes. Which way are you talking though? Mine's more chronic illness vs. the flu.

Sang: Yes. I sing all the time, even though I'm not particularly good at it.

Felt stupid: Yes.

Missed someone: Yes.

Gotten your hair cut: Yes. I know the necessity for trims, but I hate coming out not looking much different.

Watched cartoons: No.

Lied: Tried to, didn't work very well though. (See "I'm not desperate" blog)



LAST PERSON WHO...

Slept in your bed: Amelia.

Saw you cry: Kids.

Made you cry: Jesus (see yesterdays blog).

Saw a movie with you: Kids.



HAVE YOU EVER...

Been to California: No thank you.

Been to Canada: Yes.

Wished you were the opposite sex: No.

Snuck out of the house: Nope. (I was such a well-behaved kid. HA!)



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Seven Things I Plan to Do Before I Die:

1. Go to Europe

2. Be financially stable

3. Have something I wrote published

4. Have a beautifully landscaped lawn

5 - 7. I can't think of anything else!



Seven Things I Can Do

1. Save a life! (Nurses ROCK!)

2. Cook a great lasagna

3. Crochet

4. Cross stitch

5. Make FANTASTIC candles

6. Design graphics

7. I have many other talents that are not appropriate for a blog. LOL



Seven Things I Cannot Do

1. Whistle.

2. Roll my R's...at least not very well.

3. Speak a foreign language. Several years of French didn't stick at all.

4. Come to a stop without the aid of a wall while roller skating

5. Sing

6. Do anything that takes much imagination. I need instructions.

7. Drugs



Seven Things that Attract Me to the Opposite Sex

1. Intelligence

2. Sense of humor/witty

3. Has hobbies, but isn't obsessed with them. Been there, done that.

4. The way you use your hands

5. Quiet/humble confidence

6. The way you look at me. The gaze will get me every time.

7. Not afraid to romance me and win me over. Sweep me off my feet!



Seven Things I Say Most Often

1. "F***," or one of its variations

2. "Cut it out!"

3. "I love you."

4. "Shhhhhh."

5. "Where's the remote?"

6. "Awesome"

7. "Your mama"



Seven Celebrity Crushes

1. George Clooney

2. Jude Law (and I usually don't like blondes)

3. Penelope Cruz (yeah I know she's a girl! But I'm fascinated with her...I think it's the voice)

4. Ricky Martin

5. Chris Noth

6. Adam Sandler

7. Phil Whyman (host of Most Haunted)



Seven People I Want to Do This

Don't care if anyone does it. :)

4.15.2006

It takes a village


Conversation #1:

D: You didn't break up because you're friends with me did you?

V: No Don, of course not.

D: Good. (sigh of relief) His loss! Why don't you try that e-harmony they're always playing on the radio?

V: I have Don, remember...he did get scared away because I was friends with you.

D: Oh yeah. His loss. So why don't you try it again?

V: Why would I do that??? I'm fine, thank you. (Like I would say to a hostess passing around a tray of picked-over appetizers)

Conversation #2:

K: So where are you looking to meet guys?

V: Nowhere!!! Why would I do that???

K: Because someone as great as you just shouldn't be alone! It's a crime! I just want to grab all of those beaus and ask them if they are crazy or something! Don't worry honey, we're gonna find you someone!

N: Don't you listen to them girl! Having a man ain't all it's cracked up to be!!! You'd be better off sticking with your vibrator!!!

V: NOW THAT SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN!!!

What is it about me that makes people around me want to fix me up? Do I scream desperate? Do I scream lonely girl incapable of finding a man? People please! Say it with me!

single does not equal desperate!
It seems that no matter where I go people are talking about me as if I'm not even there. Picking out men, making plans for my future. Hell, I'm sure they even have my china pattern picked out I just don't know about it! I just interrupt and say "Thank you, but I'm fine....I have nooooooo interest in dating right now." And they stop for a brief second, look at me as if I'm insane and then continue as if I had never been there. lol I'm surprised they haven't hired a yenta to fix me up. Wait. Stop. I don't want to give them any ideas!

What is it about a single girl that overwhelms people with the desire to make her un-single? Why are most people so uncomfortable with single femaleness? Granted, I would love comanionship. I DO NOT want to go runnin off and getting married by any means! But my gosh I just want a boyfriend! What is wrong with that? Nothing. Companionship is lovely and I crave it like oxygen. I decided I'm ready and now I can't shut it off. The problem is that to have companionship I have to get close to someone and let them get close to me....and nope. No thank you...I'll pass at least for the time being. I'm just so tired of the whole process...what a frickin waste of time! You call me, I'll call you. You make a joke and I'll laugh. You tell me how funny you think I am. I'll tell you my stories and you tell me yours. I'll ask about your parents and you ask what kind of food I like. We'll build a rapport and I'll think we're really starting to get somewhere.........then *poof*.......okay, time to start all over again with someone else. Give me a break. I want to skip all of that crap and go straight to the comfortable Sunday afternoon cuddling on the couch in sweatpants phase.

Which, saying this out loud to my "people", I was trying to dissuade them....but it backfired BIG TIME. This just led them on a whooooooooole new tangent: The archeology dig of ex-boyfriends that I would already be comfortable with. (YIKES!)

Conversation #3:

D: What about Jesus? He was a really great guy...maybe he's not getting high anymore!

V: Maybe you're high right now?

N: What about "George Clooney"? He was soooooo damn cute! Eye candy for sure! (nods of agreement go around the room and they all look at me with excited eyes waiting for my response)

V: NOOOOOOO!!! He was a drunk and couldn't hold a conversation! God you guys....I DON'T WANT TO DATE ANYONE RIGHT NOW!!!

*collective "yes you do! whatever!"* (prepare yourselves...you'll never guess what gets said next)

K: What about Scott that used to work downstairs???? You guys used to be the best of friends! Just like peas and carrots! I know he has a new wife but maybe he has a friend???

*collective laughs and giggles talking about how funny Scott was and how much they missed him...he must have great friends!**

V: (staring like a deer caught in the headlights....act natural, act natural. Act like you don't even know who Scott is....come on, you can do it. You can convincingly lie just this one time in your life!) Huh, that's intersting. (okay that sucked! What the f*** is wrong with you that you can't lie??? That was so stupid!)

K: Seriously what's he up to now?

V: Um......not sure. Don't really talk to him anymore.

K: Oh bull....you two were as close as can be! I have his new phone number....do you want it? You guys need to get caught up! As a matter of fact I'm gonna call him right now so you can talk to him!

V: NO!!!! (all eyes turn to me because I was just a little too passionate in that response) I mean....it's late and everything. Really, please don't do that. Thank you.

J: What about some of these gorgeous new cops?

V & D together: NO WAY!!!

V: Listen people...an ex is an ex for a reason! And as far as cops go....been there, done that...a couple of times. And I don't care if they're an old flame or someone new you dig up....I'm NOT interested!

Maybe someday soon I'll be ready again. I'm just weary of the whole game. Stick a fork in me I'm done! But when it happens I have a feeling that things will just fall into place and I won't need to depend on the entire village of people around me to hook me up. Thanks you guys for caring....but save your energy! :) Right now I'm single by choice...and that's NOT a bad thing.

How Great Thou Art

I just got done watching The Passion of the Christ. On this holiest of all weekends I sat my kids down and we watched it as a family. If you are a christian and you've never seen this movie, I strongly urge you to. Some people say that they wouldn't be able to watch the frank violence of it. I can't look at it like that. I look at it as honesty. Truth. Sad and heartbreaking...but truth. That was his story. That is my story. If not for that moment in time I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't have the purpose I have and I wouldn't have the blessed assurance that I have. It's like reading over an old blog of a painful time. I cry and sometimes I hate to read it and relive it...but it's the truth. Anyone who can watch it without crying....without silence....without it changing who they are no one that I want in my life. It's so important for me to watch that movie because it reminds me.

As I sat there with my hand over my mouth, the only sounds in the room were quiet, gentle sobs. I was so ashamed. Ashamed at how flippantly I treat my salvation. Ashamed of how I take Jesus for granted. I watched his beaten and bloodied face and my heart was torn in two. Every once in a while they show a flashback to an earlier time in his life or ministry. The contrast between the two faces was staggering.....and I know that no movie could do the real thing justice. At one point when they had flashed back Amelia said in her sweet little baby voice "Jesus is so pretty." "Yes baby, he was beautiful wasn't he?" I replied to her. And then they switched back to the crucifixion. In my heart I was crying "Oh Lord! Thank you so much for your gift of salvation! I'm so sorry for not serving you the best I can... even though I know that's not what it's about anyways. I know it is about that gift....the one I'm watching replayed right now. But I love you Lord...I love you with my entire being and I want to serve you and make you proud. Lord, right then.....when you were dying. When you were aching and in shock and bleeding and tired and weary. Right then.....did you know my name? Was it just a vague picture of 'all of mankind' could be saved...or did you know my name? Did you see my face? Did you keep going because when you thought about stopping you thought about me? Did you also see all of the times I would let you down? Thank you so much Jesus. I love you." Every step that he took under the weight of that heavy cross. Every time he was hit with the cat of nine tails. Every time the crown of thorns was beaten into his scalp. Every time they spit on his face. Every hit of the hammer he felt as they were driving in the nails....it all paid for every single careless, wreckless, selfish, sinful decision I've ever made.


Isaiah 53:5 But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.

4.13.2006

Ready Freddie


As one of the biggest Queen fans ever I was thrilled to hear that American Idol was doing Queen this week! Almost as thrilled as I was to hear last night that next week they're doing standards...woohoo! My nerdy music is finally in the forefront! LOL How ya like me now?! (boy I hope they don't butcher it!) Overall I have to admit that I think most of them did a crap job this week. I was actually surprised by how good Kelly did though....and ya'll know how I feel about Taylor! He always looks like he's having a seizure and he totally missed the microphone stand when he tried to kick it lol...but I still love him! Katharine always does a good job and I was relieved to see that Elliott did "SOMEBODY TO LOVE"...... my favorite Queen song of all time!!!!!!!! I actually thought it would've been the perfect song for Ace because he has that higher falsetto. And as much as it kills me to say (because no one can ever compare to Freddie Mercury) Elliott actually did a great job....even if he changed the ending. I love the ending! I totally rock out to that song in my car all the time and I'm sure I could totally scare away animals and small children....I sing it from my soul man!!! hahaha Freddie and I ROCK IT OUT!!! Queen is simply, in my opinion, the best rock group EVER. I love how they are so passionate they are and there is an almost theatrical quality about their music. Every song is a journey. But truthfully...and no offense to the other fabulous guys in the band...but to me Queen died with Freddie. You just can't put another lead singer up there and go on tour and call yourselves Queen and get the same response from me. FREDDIE WAS QUEEN.

I know there are all the old favorite stadium anthems like We Are the Champions and Another One Bites the Dust....and I do love them....but my favorites would have to be You're My Best Friend, Crazy Little Thing Called Love and of course...Somebody to love. Even though I really don't like Radio Ga Ga...the live version of it performed at Live Aid.... I LOVE....it's about the energy of the crowd and his charisma as a performer. So what are your favorite Queen songs?



Freddie Mercury

September 5, 1946 - November 24, 1991

4.12.2006

Finally a reason to celebrate!

As you are all well aware, I've been going through some C-R-A-P lately.... and you don't even know the half of it! Believe it or not there ARE some things that I don't talk about! lol It's been pretty bad the last couple of days especially and I just kept thinking "it's GOTTA start getting better!" I know it will...it's just a matter of when? Because even though I'm feeling better, new stuff just keeps on coming at me! Well...finally a reason to celebrate!!! :)
As you have all heard, my dear,dear, dear friend Don has not only bad skin cancer but also T-cell lymphoma. He has a kind that is so rare they don't know anyone else who has it...which is also why they've had no idea how to treat it. Everything they've tried (chemo, radiation, etc.) has been unsuccessful and he has not been looking good. Anyone who talks to me regularly knows just how worried I've been about him....terribly worried. What has scared me the most is that even Don himself has voiced some serious concern. This is the man who should be a poster child for denial! He would never admit to not feeling good or that anything might be wrong. But lately he's been really worried about himself. He saw what I was seeing...and he was admitting how horrible he was feeling. So I've been just beside myself praying for him and concerned for him (which can't help my lupus any I'm sure!). To be honest... and it chokes me up just admitting this out loud... I've been really afraid I was going to have to watch my friend be buried this year. A month or so ago they did a repeat full body scan on Don because they suspected his cancer had progressed in a big way and they needed to see just how badly. Also they found a specialist who has been doing groundbreaking research in chemotherapy and she agreed to try and find a chemo for him. She took a biopsy of his cancer and isolated the specific antibody that was causing the cancer and set out to try and discover an antigen for that specific cancer....hope wasn't very high because it's never been seen before. He had to go yesterday to find out the results of the scan.

I thought I had to work with him last night and was dreading going into work and facing him. What was worse was driving past his house on the way to work and seeing his truck still parked there and thinking "oh my gosh...the news was so bad he's not coming in." I was so choked up that I couldn't talk...even on my way into the hospital. If I were to speak I would start crying. I've turned into cry-girl lately and cry over everything....hormones I guess..... but I've been a big smarmy, emotional wreck! A regular Smarmy McSmarmerson! lol After I got off the elevator before I could even make it onto the floor people were hollering over to me "Have you heard anything about Don????"...and all I could do was shake my head "no" and fight back the tears. Someone suggested that I call him to see and I just walked away. I just could not bring myself to do that...what if the news was bad? Nope. I couldn't do it.

So I'm standing in a patients room....luckily they were unconscious (lol)... when my phone rings. It's another nurse on the floor who is just as sweet as pie and she's a huge prayer warrior for all of us.

Are you in a patients room?

Yes, why?

Are you able to hear some news about your pal?

I don't know. Do I need to sit down? (And the waterworks start)

He's very emotional right now.

Oh God.... (and I start crying harder)

He's very emotional because EVERYTHING IS GREAT! His cancer hasn't progressed AT ALL! The swelling in his leg is because of a new tumor pressing on his lymph glands but they're going to start him on interferon AND THEN...... in May he's starting a 12 week course of chemo BECAUSE THEY FOUND THE ANTIGEN FOR HIS CANCER!!! And they have full hope that everything is going to turn out great! It's a miracle!!!! He's just a big "giggle-box" over there and they're all celebrating!

At this point I'm just speechless and sobbing like a baby. In bad times and in good there are points when you just have no words to pray...and that's when the Holy Spirit makes intercession for you. I had such a grateful, worshipping heart right then. I was absolutely speechless with relief and thanksgiving. My friend is going to be okay. Hope renewed. Sometimes I get subtle little reminders that everything's going to be okay.....and sometimes God sits up there waiting to surprise me with a huge smile on his face and a cymbal crash!!! That was one of those moments. It's not often that I'm speechless! haha I'm sure there are some people who wish I were more often! lol

But today God left me speechless. Everything's going to be okay.... it really is. With Don. With me. With everything. Wow.

I love you Lord...thank you for your grace and your mercy..... and your forgiveness.




...But as mercy opens my eyes
My words are stolen away
With this breathtaking view of your grace

And I am speechless I’m astonished and amazed
I am silenced by your wondrous grace
You have saved me
You have raised me from the grave
And I am speechless in your presence now
I’m astounded as I consider how
You have shown us
A love that leaves us speechless

4.07.2006

You remind me of a girl

You never know what you're going to find when you walk into a patients room. Sometimes they're nice, sometimes they're not. Sometimes they're butt naked, sometimes there's a ton of people in there...and sometimes they move you. One of my favorite things about nursing is that I get to share in the lives of so many people... I become part of their story. Part of their "dash"... you know, the dash between the years of their birth and death. In every cemetery there are countless stories in those dashes.

Sometimes God takes opportunities to remind me of all of this in order to pull me back to myself... or back to him rather. Last night he did just that. I can get so stressed and caught up in my own stuff that I lose perspective.

I was running really behind last night. 7-11 p.m. is the busiest time of my shift and I had nine patients. I had one more person to assess and was trying to just get it over with so I could get onto other things I had to do. I purposely saved him for last because he was going to have surgery to have a pacemaker put in today and I knew I would have the most work to do with him. As I entered his room I was all about business. Get 'er done! lol So I walk in and introduce myself and as I'm checking things off of my to-do list I notice that he is white as his sheet and he's just staring at me with his mouth open. Finally I take my stethoscope out of my ears and ask him if he's okay. He stammers for a second and then he says, "It's just that you remind me of a girl....." At first honestly I was thinking "that's nice pumpkin but I've got work to do, I don't have time for this." But then I noticed there were tears in his eyes and he was still staring at me. So I decided to take a moment and talk to him. I looked at him and smiled and said

oh yeah? How so?

And as I smiled he gasped and said....Oh my God! Your smile!

are you okay?

Yes, it's just that......your smile, your beautiful teeth and your beautiful dark hair....and your eyes....and your fair skin.....

Wow...if you're looking to win me over it's working sweetie! You get extra snacks tonight. (and I winked at him)

No, really....I can't believe how much you look like her. Would you be offended if I touched your hair?

No... I suppose not. (as he reaches up and touches my hair his lips start to quiver)

It's uncanny. (and he takes my hand and kisses it) I'm sorry, it's just that....I loved her and I never saw her again. It was World War II and I was in Germany. Oh how I loved her...she should've been my wife. I knew instantly that she was the one but i fought it. I was a young man in the military after all. I had plans.

So you were trouble then? lol

Yeah, you could say that...but I didn't think so at the time. The sad part is that just as I decided to stop playing games I was injured. My men were under fire and I protected them all by getting them out of the way and I had to stand in icy water and fire on the enemy to save them. No one got hurt but me....I got frostbite so bad I still have constant wounds from it (as he showed me his bandaged legs). They shipped me home wounded and I never saw her again. She never had any idea that I had decided to ask her to marry me. I left her with her heart broken and was never able to find her again..... and you look just like her.

Wow. He brought a tear to my eyes.....and a renewed softness to my heart. I was reminded of what I was really there for. Nursing has become so much about the tasks and the paperwork because of lawsuits and bureaucracy. But really nursing is about the soul and heart of the person. Doctoring is about the science, nursing is about the spirit.

My cup was filled. He was a gift to me. A simple little conversation that changed me... brought my spirit back to where it should be. We were now part of each others stories. I smiled softly at him and then kissed his hand.

As I look back on my short 33 years of life I already see so many faces and so many stories. Like the ocean waves my love has fallen differently on every shore... but it has all been love none-the-less. Thank you all for being part of my dash.

4.06.2006

These are a few of my favorite things

When I walked Amelia to her bus stop this morning I looked over into a neighbors yard and saw all these little purple flowers starting to bloom and it made me so happy. There was a beautiful blue sky, the trees are starting to bud,birds were chirping...and now there were purple flowers. My entire soul seemed to smile.

So when I came home I went to crawl into bed and I smiled again and I started thinking about all of the little things that make me happy. I don't even know how many I'll be able to list because things like that we tend to take for granted and not even notice. But they are so important! God is in the details...and those are the things that make my soul smile...so I'd better start paying closer attention! :)

1. Clean sheets. This has to be my favorite thing in the whole world. When sheets are fresh and still crisp and tight. Nice and cool. I can't sleep on sheets that have been on for more than a couple of days... I toss and turn all night (dumb I know). And I can't stand flannel sheets...or that t-shirt material stuff. blah! Nice, clean, crisp, cool linen. :)

2. The sound of the wind chimes on my back deck when it's nice enough to have the doors and windows open.

3. The view from my bedroom in the summer when the back flower bed is in full bloom. It's been here since we moved in and has a bird house in it that my step-dad built to match the house when it was blue and black. It's still the same and it reminds me of being a teenager.

4. A stocked refrigerator. There were so many years that we didn't have much money for food and the fridge was always bare. So now when my refridgerator is stocked it makes my soul take a sigh of relief and I actually sleep better at night.

5.The collection of angels in my room. I've been collecting angels since I was just a wee-little-one and over the years the collection has gotten weaned down. Some have broken....some I just didn't like. Friends and family still give me little ones for special occassions and so the ones that I have now all mean something to me and they are all precious to me.

6. A man that smells really good. Nothing like it. Mmmmmmmm.

7. Being touched. I love to be touched! If I were rich I'd pay someone to rub on me all day long. LOL But it's the hands of people who love me...my kids, my friends, my lover....that I love the most. The way someone uses their hands to touch speaks volumes about how they feel about you and their character.

8. The fall. Oh I loooooooooooove the fall! Everything about it! The romantic crispness of the air, the colors, the smells........wow that's a good one!

9. My mulled cider candles. I don't know what it is about this scent but it does something to me! I love, love, love this scent. It's my favorite and I know it sounds dumb, but I swear sometimes when I open the jar just to smell it I almost cry! No joke. It moves me.

10. Watching my kids sleep. This is like the reset button for myself as a parent. They aren't fighting, arguing, sassing, disobeying, or being nasty in any sense. They just are. They are at peace and are being still. And they are so beautiful it makes me fall in love with them all over again. You know the Bible says that God watches us while we sleep too. I wonder if it's for the same reasons. I bet it is.

What little things make you happy? Surround yourself with them! Count the blessings in every day and just breathe and...................SMILE.

4.05.2006

Alone in a crowd


I'm finally home. I went out tonight and really should've had a great time but from the minute I walked into the place this wave of sadness flooded me. The only thought that kept going through my mind is, "how soon can I go home?" I had my game face on of course...never let 'em see you sweat right? More for privacy than anything else...it's no one's business what I'm going through and I don't feel like answering questions. Alot of people think I'm an open book, and in all fairness for the most part that's true...but only after I decide what I'm putting out there. If I'm still feeling vulnerable or hurting too bad...nope. It's mine and I usually don't want bothered. (And even on a normal day, believe it or not, I draw the line at some things I will and won't discuss...especially on here.) So I did good, I stayed for about four hours. Tried to be sociable. But the whole scene just felt pathetic to me. Losers hell-bent on "expiration dating"...you know, dating someone when they have no intention on it lasting or turning into anything more than a hook-up or something temporary. I felt totally alone in a huge crowd. I just kept looking around thinking "can anyone here tell that my heart is broken?" I just wanted to go home, crawl in my bed and go to sleep. I kept looking around at people's faces wondering if I was feeling this way, how many other people were? How many people were out here trying to cheer themselves up and were totally faking it?

You know what's funny though? Normally I get irritated that people think Carl & I are a couple but tonight I found myself standing extra close to him so that people would think it so that they would leave me alone. How ironic. And while we're on this topic, we should really have a few words about pick-up lines....BOYS, THEY ARE A HUGE DON'T!!!

"Do you believe in love at first site or should I walk by again?"

"Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got fine written all over you." .....okay, are you freakin kidding me??? Has that ever worked my friend???

and the smoothest one of all (NOT)... "You wanna get with this?" ....um, no. (Yeah, he's got game! lol)

A couple of them were really cute but I just couldn't even look them in the eyes after the fiascos coming out of their mouths! Where are the sincere, genuine guys? I know, I know...not in a bar, that's for sure. A guy with quiet confidence who would never even consider stooping to the level of the pick-up line? Someone willing to dance....and lead. Someone who is witty and charming, who can hold a conversation with me. Let me tell you, "George Clooney" was very handsome, but he couldn't hold a conversation to save his life! It was the kiss of death for him! Scott said it's because I got so spoiled by him (self-righteous brat!) What's the worst is he's probably right to some extent. But needless to say, I don't want to be on the phone with someone and hear crickets chirping because they have nothing interesting to say.

By the time we left it was full-on blizzarding outside (thank God I didn't wear my new strappy heels!)....which you can imagine only made me feel better. Carl rode with me to the hospital so I could have the secretary print out some of the labs I got drawn the other night. And that was my third strike....now I really wanted to go home! They haven't changed. My "ANA" is still 1:1280 .... which is very high and the same as it was. I'm afraid to see what the doctor is going to say now. Please continue to pray for me. Last Friday was my last day of prednisone. So we'll see what happens. Can you believe in four days I've lost seven pounds??? Amazing to me how quickly things change having that out of my body! Maybe my face will get back to "normal" too. It's been much fuller and rounder. Most people don't even notice it, but I do. I doubt anything will be permanent though once the dr. sees these lab results. I'll probably be back on that med that I love to hate full-time. I really am blessed, I have no right to complain after what I see almost every day. But tonight I am. I'm giving myself permission to grieve...over everything...even for just a couple of hours. Even the strongest warrior is a child who needs to fall at the father's feet sometimes.

Have you ever felt that the world was so tight around you that you had no air to breathe?
Yet that you were as alone as a solitary reed…
On the shore of an island unknown to man,
With your soul so far removed that no one could understand?Alone in the crowd…
They don’t understand, but He does…
They don’t forgive, but He does…
They don’t care, but He does…
They don’t love, but He does…They don’t. He does. Psalm 34:18 "The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit."

If you don't like my apples, don't shake my tree


Boy I'm in a foul mood today! I woke up just as pissed off as I could be. I was thinking about last night and how sad I was and how a whole night out (and yet another evening out of my LIFE) was wasted being sad over this. I'm determined that this will be the last day that I will allow myself to spend energy on this. Because this isn't normally me and it's so frustrating that I seem stuck to this big wad of gum on the floor and can't take a step forward. Oh sometimes I manage to pry my foot loose and take a step, but the gum is still on the bottom of my shoe and it's one or two steps forward and I'm stuck again. Where is the normally positive, hopeful, forgiving girl that I know that I am? Where did she go this week? She's made a couple of appearances but she hasn't stayed for very long...the evil twin keeps making her appearance. And that ticks me off too. I think this is because I seem out of my control right now....and that's not cool with me. The capricorn in me is wiggin out right now! lol


Last night I was sad but today I'm definitely going through a "fuck 'em" phase. I can certainly sympathize with the person who said,


"It was just that kind of day, the kind that makes you want to drink seven glasses of wine and scream random obscenities at innocent passersby."



RESPECT!! I give PLENTY of it...why in the world can't I get any??? I'm just so tired of being betrayed by the people in my life (and this ISN'T all about the issue I'm facing this week). It's about the fact that every single person I've been with in my adult life except for Jesus (who had his own issues) has gone for other women! What the hell??? I'm not Quasimodo!!! Actually, I know it's not about me. That was just a moment of insanity bursting forth. The real problem is that just as women have innate feminine desires and drives instilled in them by their creator...so do men. They have the natural need and desire to CONQUER. Hunt and gather. The problem is that most men are still so immature in this area that they haven't figured out how to keep it in their pants...and the ones who have figured it out get snatched up right away and live happily ever after. And I'm not just talking literally and physically. I think this is something most men still don't get:


"Affairs of the heart" can be even more hurtful and powerful to women than having sex with someone else (which is bad enough).


Sharing intimate details and feelings with another person cuts a whole lot deeper to a woman than purely physical acts. You've gotta remember...men are 10% emotion and 90% ego...and women are just the opposite. And when a woman feels that her partner has been emotionally intimate with another person....OUCH! That is a wound that's going to cut deep. I remember how I first found out that Kim wasn't Scott's soon-to-be-ex, that they were very much still together. He had come over to spend the evening with me and she kept calling his phone. He finally decided to call her back and went out on the deck off of my bedroom. I was laying on my bed right inside the door (what? does he not think sound travels???) and I wasn't listening to what was being said (because like the polyanna fool I am I believed him)....until I heard his tone change. It turned from matter-of-fact conversation into a more intimate, lovey-dovey tone and I heard him say "oh, I miss you too." You better believe my ears perked right up at the first sign of intimacy! All of a sudden HE was the fool....for thinking he could walk back in my door after just having that conversation! Bullshit! And the rest is history. And that's what hurt the most. Not the fact that they still had sex...but the fact that I just heard him speak to her like he speaks to me. That is a cut that went so deep and hurt so bad I don't know how long it's going to take to heal.


So really that's what my feelings right now are mostly about. Familiarity. Seeing someone treat someone else the way they've treated me. Ouch...knife through the heart. That shook my jug and got all the old pain stirred up as well. So in all fairness, yes...maybe you were right...to a point. Perhaps some of this is exaggerated because of old wounds. But I warned you about that going into it! From jump I've told you thats the most vulnerable and sensitive spot you could do damage....and all the apologies in the world won't change the fact.


So honestly, if you don't like my apples...don't shake my tree.


All I want is to heal before the scab gets pulled off again. Okay, I'm done. I'm letting it go, putting it down, leaving it alone. Letting it pass, letting it drop, leaving it be. It is weighing me down and robbing me of my freedom to think about lighter, brighter matters. I may have been wronged but I am now wrong to dwell on this...two wrongs do not make a right. Never again to be addressed.

4.04.2006

I enjoy being a girl!!


I do love being a girl! I wouldn't be a man even if I was offered by God to switch. Well, maybe for a couple of hours so I could see what sex feel like for a guy, but beyond that...nope! :) I was getting ready to go out to dinner today with my mom, Joshua & Jennifer and was also thinking about tonight. Planning what to wear, how to do my hair, what shoes to wear, etc. **and just an aside on the shoe thing... I wore my new black boots I got a month or so ago on sale for the first time today...and I now know why they were on sale! I'm getting blisters after just a few hours! They look good, but you definitely get what you pay for!!! bummer :(**

Anyways, back to my love of being a girl. :) I think what I love most is the versatility that comes with being a girl. I can wear sweatpants and a sweatshirt with my hair in a ponytail one minute and the next I can either vamp it up really sexy with a push up bra and heels or dress demure and sweet. I can be the girl next door out in public and a complete freak in the bedroom. And I love it. I know this isn't the most progressive/modern comment....and if you don't agree keep it to yourself cause I don't really care! lol But I enjoy the thought of being taken care of and protected. I don't want to burn my bras and insist that I'm the same as a man. Now don't get me wrong...women deserve equal pay for equal work, we deserve to vote, deserve not to be harrassed, etc. Absolutely. But we are not the same as men....THANK GOD! lol

Some women are so ashamed of their feminine qualities. Honey, God made you a woman and he instilled in you certain feminine qualities. They are inherent to your nature. You are supposed to want to feel pretty. You are supposed to want affection, etc. I'm not going to go into them all here, but if you're a girl you know what I'm talking about! So what if no one is ever going to see them....wear those pretty little things under your clothes if they make you feel good! And for crying out loud, flirt a little bit! Nothing will make your spirit come alive like some good old fashioned flirting! Joleen and I call it a "mojo check." LOL

So what does being a girl mean to you? And for all you guys out there...what do you love about women (besides all the naughty bits you're not gonna mention on here! lol)? Please...COMMENT!

I guess to me it all boils down to this.... what I love about myself as a woman is my mix of sugar and spice. Sweetness, kindness, charm, friendliness mixed with just enough spice now and then to keep it interesting and keep 'em guessing. How about you all?

4.03.2006

Ambulance chaser


I can count on my fingers how many times I've talked to J. since Caroline's wedding in July. We had already been broken up for about four months at that point but wedding plans are what they are come hell or high water and so we were still expected to be "partners" in the wedding. Isn't it funny that NOT ONE picture from the entire wedding of the two of us together turned out? LOL Actually, I think it was divine intervention. Don't get me wrong...I have a BLAST with J. We laugh and laugh. We wrestle. We dance. We have the best time. Or used to anyways. But that was only because we didn't talk. There were no deeper issues. There were no talks about family or religion or politics or our childhoods. It was only surface. Our relationship in a year and a half never blossomed past fifth or sixth date behavior. That wasn't the only problem though. The real problem was that he had difficulty "keeping it in his pants"...figuratively and literally.

I felt really bad at the wedding when his daughter (whom I still adore) leaned over and said quietly into my ear, "You know my dad loves you don't you? I've never seen anyone get to him like you. And he dances with you! I've never seen my dad dance...but for you he'll dance." Wow. I didn't have the heart to tell a beautiful seventeen year old girl that her dad was a commitmentphobe/skirt-chaser. I don't doubt for a minute that J. loved me...in the only way he knew how to love someone, he loved me. But it wasn't the kind of love I needed. So I had to walk away. Realizing at the wedding that he wasn't going to get me back, he left early with a pout on his face and since then he's only spoken to me a handfull of times at work. He did call me on sweetest day which I thought was nice. Every now and then he'll crawl out of his hole to hit on me, get shot down nicely and then skulk away not to be heard from for a while.

Well, all that background to lead to this....somewhere, somehow J. learned that I was unattached in the last few days. Don't ask me how because this is the ONLY place I've said anything about it. MOST people have gotten the message loud and clear that I wanted to be left alone and they respected that. I hadn't even talked to my friends about it. And I know he's a total dinosaur and computer illiterate so I know he didn't read about it himself. It's becoming obvious that there is a traitor in our midst. I don't know who you are...but you know who you are! I didn't think anyone at work even knew about my blog. Who knows. Doesn't really matter. Somehow he knew about it and decided to take this terribly sad opportunity to offer to "comfort" me. Whatever player! Answer me this...why do men think that we will never see right through them??? Why do they all think they are Rico Suave? Give me a freakin break! Offer one time...that's thoughtful. You know, "if you need anything I'm here for you." ......then let it go! If not then you come across as a damn ambulance chaser! An opportunity seeker. He called me THREE times at work last night! And every time he got shot down he became more f***ing blatant! Listen to a sample of our conversation and judge for yourself:

Hey, I heard you're having a rough time right now.

How'd you hear that?

Little birdie told me.

Well your little birdie needs to check their sources cause I'm fine.

So that means you're still seeing whats-his-name?

No, but that doesn't mean I'm not fine.

Oh you bet you're fine! That's what I've been telling you for years! You're not just fine, you're BEAUTIFUL aaaannnnnnddddd fine!!! hahahaha

Give me a break J. ... Did you call just to hit on me when you thought I was miserable?

No! I called to see how you're doing! If you need anything....because I care about you.

Well, that's very nice but I'm fine...thank you.

So you don't need any "comforting"?

(**warning...this is where all decorum was gone and "strike-back" Veronica came out**)

YOU SHADY MOTHER FUCKER...what do you think I'm going to do???? lay down and spread 'em for you and say "please make me feel better"????

Of course not!!!.....but you could if you wanted to....it's been a while for us you know!

Not a while J.! Over a year. And there are reasons for that! And if you thought I was hurting I can't believe you would call and ask me something like that! You are one tactless bastard.

I am not, I'm thinking about you! Some people work out their problems like that! hahahaha

Well then you should tell me more about that cute new guy you're working with tonight J.!

Oh hell no! He's way too young for you!

He is not, We aren't all old like you !

Oh that's nice! Besides that he's gay!

He is not!!! You're just jealous and can't stand the thought of me being with anyone else!

I'm not kidding, his boyfriend was here to visit just a little while ago!

Bullshit. He is not gay.

Okay, so he's not gay....but he is only 25 and you're how old again?

We dated for a year and a half and you don't know how old I am???

Well, those aren't the things I chose to keep track of!

Screw you. Maybe little things like that are the reason that I'm not giving you the time of day today. You can't even be bothered to know how old I am??? J., I have feelings for someone...and the last thing I want to think about right now is being "comforted" by someone else. How does hearing that turn you on???

I'll let you know. I gotta go.

Then he called me two more times to keep trying. Unbelievably shady! I HAD to vent about this because I am almost offended that he would even ask! Or offer. Or whatever the hell that was. Does he think I have no class? Does he think I'm a whore? I mean what the hell was that???

Na na na na, gonna have a good time

This is going to be a GREAT week! :) First of all, I'm off work till Thursday...yeehaw! Tonight I'm just maxin and relaxin. Exactly what I need after that hard weekend. I'm getting frustrated though because I keep getting booted off of my network. That hasn't happened for a few months and it's getting really irritating. The weather is bad here, wonder if that has anything to do with it?

Then tomorrow I GET TO GO OUT DANCING!!!! Yeah baby! First, we're thinking about going to "gong show karaoke"....which sounds like the funniest thing in a long time. LOL Carl is trying to get one of the girls from work to go that thinks she is the best singer ever (reality check...um no....HORRIBLE). The worst part is that she really gets into it. I mean she's up there breakin it down people. And meanwhile everyone else is sitting there with their fingers in their ears until she's done. But it IS funny as hell. I told him that would be really mean to set her up that way...but that just made it sound even better to him. He wants to see her get gonged.

After that we're going dancing. Yay! I haven't been dancing in MONTHS! I'm due! Get your booty on the dance floor...shake that thang! :) I wonder if Carl will cook for me after we go out like he normally does??? He called me at work this morning because he was too busy to come up and visit me. He was joking that I need to stop complaining about what J. did because he (Carl) never gets the privelege of getting hit on. lol I told him that if he wants to get hit on he has to stop taking me (his platonic girlfriend) on dates. LOL The last time we went out someone thought we were a couple. HAHAHAHAHAHA Anyways, hopefully a bunch of our "gang" will be going out....gonna be a blast. If you're in the warehouse district tomorrow night look for us! :)

Then on Friday I get to go out of town for two days. Who's the lucky girl??? :) Not sure where we're going yet. Our reservations fell through when we tried to reschedule them. But we're gonna work something out. Finally a great week! :)

4.02.2006

Taking care of "Veronica"

Well, I'm doing somewhat better. I'd say my intensity of hurt has gone from a ten to maybe a five. Much better. Not too shabby if you ask me. Work last night, however, did not fare as well. What is wrong with people that they don't want to sleep at night? Jeeeeesh! And let me tell you friends....I got a dose of my own medicine. lol I had a patient who is normally sweet as pie, but (because she became confused yesterday) she decided yesterday that she was just gonna be PIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSED OFF! lol And boy was she ever. No one could touch this normally positive and upbeat sweet as a peach woman with a ten-foot-pole! Right before I got to work she kicked one of the day shift nurses square in the chin and scratched the crap out of another one. She was just hurting over something and mad as hell and if you got within a hundred yards of her you were going to know it. Guess what her name was??? VERONICA!!! HAHAHAHAHA So yeah, I dealt with "myself" the last few days all night long last night. She was restrained by then, thank God, but she could still dish it out. It was like walking into a wasps nest anytime you came near her.

It's amazing what hurt can do to a person isn't it? It turns the sanest of people into raging monsters and it takes any positivity and flushes it down the toilet. I know I don't like feeling that way. I know I have to be pretty hurt to strike out and take a swing, but when I'm hurt enough to do that....look out. That's the part of me I'm not proud to admit is there. I'm 99% a positive person....but when that 1% comes out....yikes! I'm sorry if anyone took anything I said personally. Nothing was meant to be hurtful...really it wasn't. It was meant as a big barf of the emotions going on inside of me.

This blog has saved my life. And I'm not being flippant when I say that. I mean literally, it has saved my life. When I didn't have an outlet for these feelings and a way to express myself it was like poison inside of me every single day....and just like poison those feelings almost killed me. Last year, for example, I was in one of the deepest, darkest, blackest depressions I've ever experienced. I never would've gone through with hurting myself....please know that....because I love my children. They are my reason for living. Them and only them. Suicide is the ultimate in selfish acts and there's no way I would've done it. But man oh man I can't tell you I didn't think about it. And it lasted for MONTHS. And, by the way, depression itself is like a walking death...I was no use to anyone. It was only after I started blogging on a regular basis that those demons got exercised. And now when something knocks me down it's taking days or weeks vs. months to get back up and running again. And besides helping me, perhaps someone reading all of these will be helped too. Even if it is to see that you can have really shitty things happen to you and you can feel really horrible....but you don't have to stay there. You CAN feel better. And you can forgive. And you can move on without bitterness or anger. And you can be happy and peaceful.

This morning I was thinking about where my life is going, and I was talking to the Lord about it. And yep, it's still there. The hope. I swear, the hope inside of me is like a freakin cockroach!!! lol There is nothing that can squash it and it will be here long after everyone else is gone.....except my hope is a good thing. LOL I have no idea where my road is leading, but God does... and I trust him.

Now where did I put those rose-colored glasses? I just look naked without them!

4.01.2006

Somewhere over the rainbow

Well my morning started off with Tim commenting on my blog that he was surprised that I would put such personal things on here. So I deleted it. Why? Because I'm the NICE girl. Always the nice girl. Well, fat lot of good being the nice girl ever gets me....guys usually stick around for a couple of months and then take off for some chick that is more rough around the edges. I just need to be more of a bitch.

Then I get a message from another friend, who I know was only meaning well when he said " U need to put your blog back to what it was!! some guys get a sick injoyment out of seeing people hurt!!!." Well screw it. I'm not changing another damn thing. I deleted things for Scott because they gave too much detail and Kim might find out we were friends again...well, didn't work did it FRIEND??? She still saw on your phone bill that you drunk-dial me in the middle of the night and now you can't talk to me because you got in trouble anyways right??? (Or did you throw me under the bus like you did last time and try to make it look like it was all MY fault?) And now I deleted this for Tim when there wasn't even anything bad in there. Nothing that put him in a negative light.

Maybe this is the blog I should post on here and then just re-post it everyday....

Today was a PERFECT day!!! I woke up feeling well-rested and made my perfect children a well-balanced breakfast. Then the weather was so beautiful I took them on a picnic! We had the best time and nobody fought or argued the whole time. I never have that problem with my children....they get along perfectly all the time. I've never been so happy. I have no feelings to get out or issues to deal with. Know why? Because I'm perfect! And my hair and makeup always looks great by the way. So then we came home and I tucked the kids into their beds in their clean rooms and got to go to bed myself...because I'm rich and I never have to work again! :)

No people...this is a blog. It's for celebrating, sharing, venting and occassionally BARFING all over. It is the only venue I have to get my feelings out before I explode from obsessing on them. Sometimes it's nasty stuff on here. Don't read it if you don't want to see it. And by the way...I NEVER put anything too personal on here. Especially when it's about someone else. There is alot I could've put on here Tim....but I do censor myself without yours or anyone elses help. But don't worry...it's gone. You're a great person and I'm sorry if I put anything on here that you considered too personal.
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