4.02.2006

Taking care of "Veronica"

Well, I'm doing somewhat better. I'd say my intensity of hurt has gone from a ten to maybe a five. Much better. Not too shabby if you ask me. Work last night, however, did not fare as well. What is wrong with people that they don't want to sleep at night? Jeeeeesh! And let me tell you friends....I got a dose of my own medicine. lol I had a patient who is normally sweet as pie, but (because she became confused yesterday) she decided yesterday that she was just gonna be PIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSED OFF! lol And boy was she ever. No one could touch this normally positive and upbeat sweet as a peach woman with a ten-foot-pole! Right before I got to work she kicked one of the day shift nurses square in the chin and scratched the crap out of another one. She was just hurting over something and mad as hell and if you got within a hundred yards of her you were going to know it. Guess what her name was??? VERONICA!!! HAHAHAHAHA So yeah, I dealt with "myself" the last few days all night long last night. She was restrained by then, thank God, but she could still dish it out. It was like walking into a wasps nest anytime you came near her.

It's amazing what hurt can do to a person isn't it? It turns the sanest of people into raging monsters and it takes any positivity and flushes it down the toilet. I know I don't like feeling that way. I know I have to be pretty hurt to strike out and take a swing, but when I'm hurt enough to do that....look out. That's the part of me I'm not proud to admit is there. I'm 99% a positive person....but when that 1% comes out....yikes! I'm sorry if anyone took anything I said personally. Nothing was meant to be hurtful...really it wasn't. It was meant as a big barf of the emotions going on inside of me.

This blog has saved my life. And I'm not being flippant when I say that. I mean literally, it has saved my life. When I didn't have an outlet for these feelings and a way to express myself it was like poison inside of me every single day....and just like poison those feelings almost killed me. Last year, for example, I was in one of the deepest, darkest, blackest depressions I've ever experienced. I never would've gone through with hurting myself....please know that....because I love my children. They are my reason for living. Them and only them. Suicide is the ultimate in selfish acts and there's no way I would've done it. But man oh man I can't tell you I didn't think about it. And it lasted for MONTHS. And, by the way, depression itself is like a walking death...I was no use to anyone. It was only after I started blogging on a regular basis that those demons got exercised. And now when something knocks me down it's taking days or weeks vs. months to get back up and running again. And besides helping me, perhaps someone reading all of these will be helped too. Even if it is to see that you can have really shitty things happen to you and you can feel really horrible....but you don't have to stay there. You CAN feel better. And you can forgive. And you can move on without bitterness or anger. And you can be happy and peaceful.

This morning I was thinking about where my life is going, and I was talking to the Lord about it. And yep, it's still there. The hope. I swear, the hope inside of me is like a freakin cockroach!!! lol There is nothing that can squash it and it will be here long after everyone else is gone.....except my hope is a good thing. LOL I have no idea where my road is leading, but God does... and I trust him.

Now where did I put those rose-colored glasses? I just look naked without them!

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