4.22.2006

Girl, interrupted


A funny thing happened last night. I clammed up. I know this sounds crazy but I did. lol I worked with someone whom I had never met before named M., and she would not shut up. It wasn't just that she wouldn't shut up, whenever I or anyone else would start talking she would talk right over us! She would cut you off, talk right over you...whatever she had to do. If you tried to ignore her and just keep talking, she would come stand in front of you, or she would wave her arms and call your name until you stopped talking and she had your attention. Then she would just totally change the subject and go on with what she wanted to say. She was so rude I was flabbergasted! Normally if someone is being that rude I don't have any trouble saying something to them. My mouth gets me in trouble way too often. lol But she was SOOOOO rude that I didn't even say anything to her! I just sat and watched her in amazement. For eight of the twelve hours I was there this went on. We had plenty of conversation through the night but most of it consisted of her asking me questions, me answering them, then her cutting me off at the quick the instant she had heard what she thought was enough.

I kept growing more and more irritated as the time went on and then I started to notice something else. My alarms bells kept going off about her and I could feel my distrust and dislike of her growing minute by minute. And the louder my alarm bells got the quieter I became, trying to let her do all of the talking. She was fishing for information! Why? What was she up to? What was her motive? I felt like I was in the movies and I wanted to grab her and say, "WHO SENT YOU???" lol Jill, a nurse I was working with, noticed it too and when the first girl walked away for a minute Jill said to me "I've never heard you this quiet! You thinking what I'm thinking? She's not to be trusted!" Yep, exactly.

The funny thing is that I really don't care who knows what about me... to a point anyways. Some things are private, but for the most part I'm like the old man who tells his stories to anyone who wants to hear them. lol I have this blog for crying out loud! And despite all the people that I've learned have read my blog....ex's. Ex's of ex's. Not so ex's of ex's. Etc. I refuse to make it private. It's just something that comes with the territory. Being exposed. Feeling wide open. I'm sure it's something that every blogger feels from time to time. But this was different. This was like conversation rape.

I'm someone who wants to be pursued. I like someone to woo me and win me over. But the thing about me is that it has to be subtle. I can't stand aggressiveness. I prefer assertiveness. lol You need to know what you want and go after it, but it can't be too obvious. Well, this woman was anything but subtle! I think she thought she was, but she was failing miserably. I felt violated and naked after talking to her....and I didn't like that at all.

I'm not sure what I learned from this yet, I'm still processing and analyzing it. I know it's all part of the life lesson I'm getting lately about trust and vulnerability. I've been at a fork in the road and have been praying for guidance with my writing, my thoughts, my spirit, my emotions....with basically everything. There is a time and place for everything and a season to everything under the sun. The time to be very "out there" was necessary for my growth because I was soooo repressed and locked up that I was afraid and hesitant to write anything. I had to learn to just let it go in order to get used to the feeling of being vulnerable and possibly judged. But that season has passed. I've conquered that issue for the most part and now it's time to rein it in a little bit. Now it's time to tame it and control it. It's the process. I've given into it and have been trying to go with the flow. I'm just not totally sure what I need to take away from this particular experience.

How do you put yourself out there openly and honestly without feeling emotionally slutty? To be a conversational flirt without conversationally sleeping with everyone. That's the balance. That's the goal.

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