4.25.2006

Blah


Lately I just haven't been feeling it. And by "it", I mean pretty much everything. I've been trying to figure it out. Get to the bottom of it. It's a feeling that's familiar to me, but I haven't been able to figure out from where. I just can't put my finger on it. It's not depression...at least not like I normally experience. I mean, I'm not sad. I'm not having horrible thoughts. As a matter of fact, I'm not really unhappy at all. I'm just.....BLAH. I could care less about anything. I sleep all the time just because I'm so bored with everything. I don't feel like talking to anyone and pretty much could care less about blogging. I don't want to go anywhere. I was thinking for a minute that I should take a vacation, but then I figured I would get to some exotic location and just sleep the whole time or sit there and stare at the water because I could care less where I was. lol I just have no enthusiasm for ANYTHING. Oh, and I've noticed that I'm taking things WAY TOO PERSONALLY. Someone can hurt my feelings at the drop of a witty one liner. Or like today someone asked what I was doing and I said "just blogging" And they said "Is that all U do??" Normally that wouldn't even catch my attention, but today it hurt my feelings. I haven't been like that for years. Like I said, I'm not sad. My life is actually going pretty good lately. So what's up with that?

What's going on in my life that's different from three years ago? Three years ago I was so different. I never live it down at work that my supervisor said to me "You used to be so effervescent...what's happened to you?" Everyone thinks it's the funniest thing that she called me "effervescent" because most people associate that word with stuff like alka seltzer. LOL But actually it means "to show high spirits or animation". I remember one time a few years ago someone made a comment about how people were drawn to me because I had a "glow". Now I'm not in any way saying these things to ring my own bell, only to contrast where I am today. I don't feel like I'm any of those things anymore. I feel like an empty shell. I'm absolutely not the same person I was a few years ago. I feel......like I did when I lived with the evil one. Ewww, I can't believe I even said that out loud! I'm certainly not as miserable as I was then, but the emptiness...that's the same.

The whole thing has really been bugging me lately and so I've been kind of grasping at straws to find something to help or to figure it out. I've been praying more, and a little differently. I like to listen to Joyce Meyers sermons while I'm at my computer and have been doing that more lately. I've been trying to watch my mouth more. Been trying to stay away from people that aren't so good for me. Do better with my finances, etc. It's almost like the annointing is gone from my life. Ecclesiastes tells us that God not only gives us the blessings in our lives but gives us the ability to enjoy them. If he removes that annointing from your life you're not going to enjoy ANYTHING.

So I was just going through a binder that I have for all of my notes, etc. from different sermons and conferences and I came across a paper from years ago. It's from a Joyce Meyer conference I went to and I'm guessing it's from like 2001. Can't be sure. What struck me was a list that I jotted down at the top.

God's dealing with me today:1. Finances2. Cussing3. Leaving [the evil one] 4. Quick to anger5. Laziness (too much sleep)6. Health/wt/eating/exercise (discipline)


I just stared at that list for a minute because aside from #3, I could've written that list today! Alot of those issues I haven't had to deal with for several years now, but they're all back now. I have gone full circle from all of the victory God had given me back to the exact same situation I was in before. Wow... backslidden! I'm a backslider! lol Everyone likes a title I guess. However, that one I could do without.

The short list of things that I can figure out is as follows: I've gotten out of the church habit that I've had my whole life...I hardly ever go anymore. I've started cussing more...which actually is more of a symptom than a cause but the fact that usually I don't even try to stop myself makes it a cause for further downward spiral. I participate in gossip more often. Ok, so basically so far garbage in/garbage out. Then there's the thing with Scott. I have no doubt that changed me. The other thing that definitely affected me was the episode that happened with an ex-friend's husband last fall. He is a psychotic douch-bag of a person with no boundaries whatsoever. That was a horrible night (although it was fun to see Shawnda go off on someone lol). One thing's for sure is that it changed who I am. I've been through so much that I'm not sure why that particular event changed me so much. But it did. I've gone into my shell more. The natural flirt I once was? Nope, gone. It broke my heart and it made me question the "effervescent" person I once was. I guess I was all of a sudden afraid to be her. Almost embarrassed to be her. If just being myself could be misinterpreted that badly by someone...I'd better not be her anymore. I guess it's almost like what a rape victim goes through. They start wearing heavy sweaters to cover themselves up, they avoid people, etc. Maybe it's because I've allowed the devil to get that foothold in my life making me ashamed of the beautiful creature that God had made me. Because believe me, the "effervescence" had nothing to do with me! It's alllll him! I've got to get past this somehow. I guess just being aware of it and fixing the things in my life that I have control over...that's about the only thing I can do.

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