4.05.2006

If you don't like my apples, don't shake my tree


Boy I'm in a foul mood today! I woke up just as pissed off as I could be. I was thinking about last night and how sad I was and how a whole night out (and yet another evening out of my LIFE) was wasted being sad over this. I'm determined that this will be the last day that I will allow myself to spend energy on this. Because this isn't normally me and it's so frustrating that I seem stuck to this big wad of gum on the floor and can't take a step forward. Oh sometimes I manage to pry my foot loose and take a step, but the gum is still on the bottom of my shoe and it's one or two steps forward and I'm stuck again. Where is the normally positive, hopeful, forgiving girl that I know that I am? Where did she go this week? She's made a couple of appearances but she hasn't stayed for very long...the evil twin keeps making her appearance. And that ticks me off too. I think this is because I seem out of my control right now....and that's not cool with me. The capricorn in me is wiggin out right now! lol


Last night I was sad but today I'm definitely going through a "fuck 'em" phase. I can certainly sympathize with the person who said,


"It was just that kind of day, the kind that makes you want to drink seven glasses of wine and scream random obscenities at innocent passersby."



RESPECT!! I give PLENTY of it...why in the world can't I get any??? I'm just so tired of being betrayed by the people in my life (and this ISN'T all about the issue I'm facing this week). It's about the fact that every single person I've been with in my adult life except for Jesus (who had his own issues) has gone for other women! What the hell??? I'm not Quasimodo!!! Actually, I know it's not about me. That was just a moment of insanity bursting forth. The real problem is that just as women have innate feminine desires and drives instilled in them by their creator...so do men. They have the natural need and desire to CONQUER. Hunt and gather. The problem is that most men are still so immature in this area that they haven't figured out how to keep it in their pants...and the ones who have figured it out get snatched up right away and live happily ever after. And I'm not just talking literally and physically. I think this is something most men still don't get:


"Affairs of the heart" can be even more hurtful and powerful to women than having sex with someone else (which is bad enough).


Sharing intimate details and feelings with another person cuts a whole lot deeper to a woman than purely physical acts. You've gotta remember...men are 10% emotion and 90% ego...and women are just the opposite. And when a woman feels that her partner has been emotionally intimate with another person....OUCH! That is a wound that's going to cut deep. I remember how I first found out that Kim wasn't Scott's soon-to-be-ex, that they were very much still together. He had come over to spend the evening with me and she kept calling his phone. He finally decided to call her back and went out on the deck off of my bedroom. I was laying on my bed right inside the door (what? does he not think sound travels???) and I wasn't listening to what was being said (because like the polyanna fool I am I believed him)....until I heard his tone change. It turned from matter-of-fact conversation into a more intimate, lovey-dovey tone and I heard him say "oh, I miss you too." You better believe my ears perked right up at the first sign of intimacy! All of a sudden HE was the fool....for thinking he could walk back in my door after just having that conversation! Bullshit! And the rest is history. And that's what hurt the most. Not the fact that they still had sex...but the fact that I just heard him speak to her like he speaks to me. That is a cut that went so deep and hurt so bad I don't know how long it's going to take to heal.


So really that's what my feelings right now are mostly about. Familiarity. Seeing someone treat someone else the way they've treated me. Ouch...knife through the heart. That shook my jug and got all the old pain stirred up as well. So in all fairness, yes...maybe you were right...to a point. Perhaps some of this is exaggerated because of old wounds. But I warned you about that going into it! From jump I've told you thats the most vulnerable and sensitive spot you could do damage....and all the apologies in the world won't change the fact.


So honestly, if you don't like my apples...don't shake my tree.


All I want is to heal before the scab gets pulled off again. Okay, I'm done. I'm letting it go, putting it down, leaving it alone. Letting it pass, letting it drop, leaving it be. It is weighing me down and robbing me of my freedom to think about lighter, brighter matters. I may have been wronged but I am now wrong to dwell on this...two wrongs do not make a right. Never again to be addressed.

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