4.27.2006

So fresh and so clean clean

Why do I feel the need to be friends with everyone? Why do I feel the need to keep relationships going that certainly should not be. They aren't healthy or they aren't benefiting me and I really have no business being there. Well, just because that's the way I'm made, unfortunately. I'm a nurturer and I'm fiercely loyal...to an absolute fault. There's certainly no problem with "weaving and cleaving" for me that's for sure! lol If I like you enough to become your friend, then I will usually have a spot reserved for you in my heart and thoughts forever. Unless you do something really hideous that is....like abuse me or hurt my children (I threw that in there because I honestly think that the evil one is the ONLY person in my entire life that I've absolutely burned a bridge to...and rightfully so!). If I care for you I will stand there with my arms open to you even if it is hurting me to look in your direction. Stupid. Sure is.
Well, in the last few days I have done a sweeping spring cleaning of sorts. I'm the kind of person that never deletes a contact, or email address. I figure you're never too far away if you're in my address book or on my buddy list. Well lately I've been thinking about this and I've had an epiphany. Here it is:
Why should I be so loyal to people who could give a crap about me???
Sounds like rocket science huh? lol Well believe me, it is for me! So I went through my address book and my buddy list and I deleted soooo many people. All ex-boyfriends...OUT! People that were not contributing to me in a positive way...OUT! I only blocked a few people that I don't want to hear from again but I figure that it all goes back to what I was feeling a year or so ago....I'm tired of one-sided relationships! If there's going to be contact going on...let them contact me! I'm not going to pursue anymore. And even if I'm not pursuing, I'm not going to be so available. Maybe I'm being selfish, but oh well!
One person in particular lately has truly hurt my feelings ALOT. I won't mention any names... oooooooh, I almost did anyways! lol But no, I'm too nice. lol It's almost like he holds whether or not he's available to talk to me over my head. Like he can't decide if he wants to be my friend. I can always tell when he has me blocked because you can't block someone who's on your list...and he keeps requesting to re-add me...so putting 2 and 2 together there must've been a reason he keeps deleting me. Being the nice person I am I allow him to re-add me every time...but no more! You don't get to talk to me anymore! Move on! I've never done anything to you and you are totally undeserving of my friendship. You shit on me! Screw you buddy! Can you tell I'm tired and heading to bed? haha (Megan is always surprised whenever she calls at just how cranky I am when I wake up. lol Well, I can be that way when I'm heading to bed too! lol)
It feels like a load has been lifted off! It nearly killed me every time I hit "delete" and the box would pop up asking if I'm sure I want to delete this contact and I had to click "yes." But I did it and now I'm already starting to feel lighter. No more ghosts clinging to my leg like a toddler who doesn't want mommy to leave. Actually, that's not totally true. I left a couple of addresses there where there's guaranteed to be nothing but a ghost on the other end. There will never be anyone there again.
As stupid as it sounds Scott and I each had our own goofy email addresses for fun... "lolalovespepe" and "pepeloveslola" (obviously our nicknames). I tried several times to delete them and I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Just like I couldn't bring myself to delete Pastors email address. This June will be the third anniversary of his death and I just can't do it. Of the most important relationships in my life those are both on the short list. And they're both gone now. Maybe someday I'll be able to hit the delete button. For now I guess I have to settle for babysteps.

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