4.05.2006

Alone in a crowd


I'm finally home. I went out tonight and really should've had a great time but from the minute I walked into the place this wave of sadness flooded me. The only thought that kept going through my mind is, "how soon can I go home?" I had my game face on of course...never let 'em see you sweat right? More for privacy than anything else...it's no one's business what I'm going through and I don't feel like answering questions. Alot of people think I'm an open book, and in all fairness for the most part that's true...but only after I decide what I'm putting out there. If I'm still feeling vulnerable or hurting too bad...nope. It's mine and I usually don't want bothered. (And even on a normal day, believe it or not, I draw the line at some things I will and won't discuss...especially on here.) So I did good, I stayed for about four hours. Tried to be sociable. But the whole scene just felt pathetic to me. Losers hell-bent on "expiration dating"...you know, dating someone when they have no intention on it lasting or turning into anything more than a hook-up or something temporary. I felt totally alone in a huge crowd. I just kept looking around thinking "can anyone here tell that my heart is broken?" I just wanted to go home, crawl in my bed and go to sleep. I kept looking around at people's faces wondering if I was feeling this way, how many other people were? How many people were out here trying to cheer themselves up and were totally faking it?

You know what's funny though? Normally I get irritated that people think Carl & I are a couple but tonight I found myself standing extra close to him so that people would think it so that they would leave me alone. How ironic. And while we're on this topic, we should really have a few words about pick-up lines....BOYS, THEY ARE A HUGE DON'T!!!

"Do you believe in love at first site or should I walk by again?"

"Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got fine written all over you." .....okay, are you freakin kidding me??? Has that ever worked my friend???

and the smoothest one of all (NOT)... "You wanna get with this?" ....um, no. (Yeah, he's got game! lol)

A couple of them were really cute but I just couldn't even look them in the eyes after the fiascos coming out of their mouths! Where are the sincere, genuine guys? I know, I know...not in a bar, that's for sure. A guy with quiet confidence who would never even consider stooping to the level of the pick-up line? Someone willing to dance....and lead. Someone who is witty and charming, who can hold a conversation with me. Let me tell you, "George Clooney" was very handsome, but he couldn't hold a conversation to save his life! It was the kiss of death for him! Scott said it's because I got so spoiled by him (self-righteous brat!) What's the worst is he's probably right to some extent. But needless to say, I don't want to be on the phone with someone and hear crickets chirping because they have nothing interesting to say.

By the time we left it was full-on blizzarding outside (thank God I didn't wear my new strappy heels!)....which you can imagine only made me feel better. Carl rode with me to the hospital so I could have the secretary print out some of the labs I got drawn the other night. And that was my third strike....now I really wanted to go home! They haven't changed. My "ANA" is still 1:1280 .... which is very high and the same as it was. I'm afraid to see what the doctor is going to say now. Please continue to pray for me. Last Friday was my last day of prednisone. So we'll see what happens. Can you believe in four days I've lost seven pounds??? Amazing to me how quickly things change having that out of my body! Maybe my face will get back to "normal" too. It's been much fuller and rounder. Most people don't even notice it, but I do. I doubt anything will be permanent though once the dr. sees these lab results. I'll probably be back on that med that I love to hate full-time. I really am blessed, I have no right to complain after what I see almost every day. But tonight I am. I'm giving myself permission to grieve...over everything...even for just a couple of hours. Even the strongest warrior is a child who needs to fall at the father's feet sometimes.

Have you ever felt that the world was so tight around you that you had no air to breathe?
Yet that you were as alone as a solitary reed…
On the shore of an island unknown to man,
With your soul so far removed that no one could understand?Alone in the crowd…
They don’t understand, but He does…
They don’t forgive, but He does…
They don’t care, but He does…
They don’t love, but He does…They don’t. He does. Psalm 34:18 "The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit."

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