Veronica: Doing it wrong since 1973

I have so much going on in my mind these days. I'm not ready to talk about it too much here yet, but rest assured that you will hear all about it eventually. There are changes coming and part of me is sad about it and the other part is excited. What both parts of me have in common is the recurring stream of consciousness that continually asks myself when am I ever going to get this right? And by this I mean life.

I'm actually not beating myself up too bad right now because I've had some amazing people by my side through everything who take their turns talking me down off the ledge from time to time. Those people also don't hesitate to remind me that I'm not a bad person. A person who has made some poor decisions perhaps and definitely a person who has had some pretty shitty things happen to her, but overall a pretty good person.

Isn't it easy to lose that perception though? I mean, we can spend so much time looking at our choices and bad decisions that before we know it, all we can see when we look at ourselves is this big ball of messy wrongness. At least I know that I do. Sometimes I think that the only thing I've consistently done since I was born is get it wrong.

I really do know that's not true though and I'm tired of beating myself up. If I do have any major faults (who me?? have faults?? I think not!;) ), they would have to be loving too hard, being too passionate, trusting someone else over my own gut and staying too long when it's time to go. Those are the things that I need to work on...and although they've led to a lot of mess in my life, those aren't really horrible things. I'd rather have those crosses to bear than a lot of other ones I can think of, wouldn't you?

Comments

Gail said…
First, let me say I have no idea what you are talking about
but I have the main idea...it's all about choices.
Choices we make affect us from that moment of choice and on. Life is sorta like a rubic's cube...our choices make the picture whole.
Awarnes and knowledge help with those choices.
Sorry...this is not advice, just an observation.
Hey sweetheart, isn't it amazing how easy it is to feel like our life is a liteny of mistakes. I'll have to admit your blog got me thinking a lot. I feel like a screw up myself. I do the whole compare my self to my sisters or someone who I "think" has it all made. Truth is they've screwed up too. God doesnt' measure us by the number of screw ups. Thank goodness we are saved by faith, yeah faith, not works, not screw ups, faith. We make mistakes and it feels like that is all we do, but the thing He wants us to do is rise up from it. Learn from it, think on what is true, and move forward with what He has taught us. There will be many times where we can't see initially what he's trying to teach us, but later in life we will. We will look back and suddenly we'll get it.
Love you friend!
Gibby said…
Remember...you are human. Humans make mistakes. I gave you a shout-out on my blog, come see.
Mary Moore said…
I think it's great that you realize this about yourself. I think it's terrible that some of us have to go through so much crap. I think you're going to be just fine, and please know you have many people who care about you.

Been in this place myself many times, and it's very hard and a very lonely place. Don't knock yourself down, even though I know how easy it is to do.

If you can learn from any mistakes you may have made, that's all that matters.

Take care.
Collin said…
You're almost on the other side of the forest V. Smile, know that you're awesome and today is the day!