1.06.2009

Just another manic Tuesday

I wake up and walk out of the bedroom. The tv has been left on, but no one is watching it. I walk into the kitchen and immediately notice every cupboard door open, a pot of brewed coffee, the lid off the sugar canister with spilled sugar all around it. I look out to where Scott's computer is set up and see trash on the floor all around his desk, papers everywhere, I notice the van is not in the driveway (wonder where he went) and then I notice something strange sitting in the front window...it's a webcam. I look on his computer screen to see that he has a program running a live stream of him filming the traffic outside of our house. Why? Because he's manic and he can.

I feel my spirit tighten into a knot and a nearly instant headache hit me like a brick and I wonder... what's going to happen next. I had let Scott come back to stay at home a short time ago until he leaves for truck-driving school, which was supposed to be the 29th, then it was January 5th, now...who knows. Not thrilled about the situation but not sure what the next move will be, I'm weighing my options in my head. Do I give him until February 1st to either be in school or have a good paying job? Maybe. That way he'll have his disability checks he can use to do whatever he needs to do and I don't have to worry or feel guilty. Not sure if I'll be able to hang out that long, so it may be sooner. I guess I'll just be taking it day by day. And just as an aside, I am NOT looking for advice here. NOT, NOT NOT. I don't do well with unsolicited advice and feel judged when I get it. This blog is about me venting to the universe, not about saying please judge me.

How does anyone dealing with a bipolar spouse make it? Now don't get me wrong, there are so many different levels of severity with bipolar that some people may be technically bipolar and you'd never really know it unless they told you. That's not what I'm talking about....I'm talking about really, really, really bipolar. How do people deal with that? How do family members hang on and be supportive? I think that would definitely be advice that I would welcome. So if you have any, bring it on!

He's home now. Actually, he's been home a few times and gone again (m-a-n-i-c). At one point, I was trying to talk to him about something and he kept talking over me, looking in all directions, fidgeting, interrupting me some more... finally I snapped at him and told him to shut up while I was talking and he actually clenched his fists and jaw and started shaking with his eyes closed! He was SO frustrated that it was spilling out of every part of him! I then calmly added that unless he wanted to end up where he was a month ago, that he'd better find some way to deal with that frustration and energy--because if he thinks I'M dealing with it, he's crazy. He calmed down and is making dinner and now I'm as much on edge as he is. I can't stand being around that energy. I'm trying to hang on and be nice, but not sure how long that will maintain. At least when he's depressed, I don't have to deal with the craziness because he's withdrawn and leaves me alone.

2 comments:

Gail said...

I would never judge you! I can hear your pain. I have no answers. Only you can decide what you will do. That wasn't advice was it?

Allison said...

I can't even imagine the anxiety that you all must feel within the walls of your home. Praying so hard that God will bring resolution and healing and peace and CHANGE to all of you!!!!

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