Swiss Army Knife

"Breath will fog glass, waiting for glass to fog will stop time."

How do I know if I'm seeing the fog or merely waiting for the fog that will never come? I take every little sign and signal and interpret....and misinterpret. How do I learn how to get myself, my desires and my personal agenda out of the damn way and see things for what they really are? Is he capable of changing? Or is he just blowing smoke? His words and his intentions always seem authentic, but they are never followed up with any results; and the proof is in the pudding.

Tonight I'm having a rough night. I don't want to get too deep into the reasons why, because they don't matter. What matters is: WHAT AM I DOING? Should I be attempting to trust again? There is always hope. That's what I've always believed anyways. No, I still do believe that. There is always hope. But there comes a point when you realize that people opening an envelope full of white powder HOPE it's not anthrax, the same way I'm staring at my situation wondering if it's manthrax. Sometimes you just don't want to have to hope anymore...you want to get the hell away from it.

This rough night I had has just made me angry at everything. I'm angry at him and at his history. I'm angry that he has taken and wasted such unconditional love. I'm angry that I don't have a freaking job. STILL. I'm angry that I haven't been able to pay my rent yet because of it. I'm just angry tonight. I was born a swiss army knife--multitasking and ready to adapt. Normally, I bounce right back and just transform for whatever the current situation calls for...but I'm tired.

I'm shouting this out to God and the universe as if it will make any difference--- I'm tired! I just want to stand still for once and not have to keep adapting to everyone else's situations. Why can't anyone adapt to me for once? Why can't they come to me? Take care of me? Make sure my needs are met? I really, really, really don't care if that sounds selfish or unevolved. I deserve to be loved and taken care of. I deserve to be appreciated and even to have someone laugh at my dumb jokes. And honestly, even if there never is anyone to do any of those things and I find myself alone...that's okay too. I just don't feel like adapting to anyone else. At least not right now. If I'm alone then okay, but if not...let the other person do the adapting for a while. I'm kind of tired of being Miss Dependable.

Comments

Gail said…
Ditto! Here's the shovel you used to dig me out. This condition seems to be moving through blogland. Do not take his shortcomigns personal, you are responsible only for yourself.
If you are not comfortable with his progress, that is your right. Happiness does come from within and not from our surroundings. Make him get a job! Sell something of his to pay the rent!
If this is a partnership, then he too, must share in the responsibilty.
Hang in there, pray for an answer or read some cards, whatever works!
Can you get temporary assitance with rent, even though it goes against all you are about?
There is a solution and a reason, it will show itself to you.
Hang on and Hang in there. It ain't over til the fat lady sings!
I love you V!!!!