The end of an error

It's done. I feel kind of crappy but not nearly as crappy as if I'd had to leave him standing on a street corner, like I thought I may have to. He's in jail for the next 28 days and would have gotten 40 days if he didn't agree to have no contact with me.

Even through speaking to the judge, he had this confident/I can't be touched attitude. Lord knows that it wasn't my intention to trash-talk him and have him thrown in jail, but I did think it was time to tell my side of the story and make sure the judge understood exactly what hell I've been through in just the last year alone. Yes, Scott was doing better in the past week or so...but hello? A week? No, today was about way more than a freakin' week. And I have been through enough.

The judge remembered us and knew immediately when he saw Scott who he was and then let me know that he remembered me too. He asked me to share with him what has been going on for the past year and what I had to say about things and the whole time I was telling him, Scott stood behind me saying, "thanks a lot! thanks for throwing me under the bus! thanks a lot!" The judge said that even though he thought I was going out on a limb last year by being willing to help Scott and give him a year to prove himself, he was very "inspired" by it and my "hope springs eternal" attitude and the way that I was willing to work on my marriage instead of just walking away from it. He gave me a long speech about how I had also inspired him to look at things a little differently this year and he has often wondered how things were going for us. He then reminded Scott of how last year he told him that he was lucky to have a woman like me standing by his side and being so supportive and he was angry that he took advantage of me as well as the courts by not being compliant with even one area of his probation or treatment.

He then told him that he had left him with no option but to reinstate his 40 days of jail starting immediately. Scott started crying and yelling, "No! Please don't put me in jail! I don't want to go to jail!" as the bailiff hauled him out. The judge had motioned for me to stay and after Scott was out of the room, he said "I had him drug out like that mostly for effect. I want it burned into his mind that I won't hesitate to throw those cuffs on him and lock him up if he doesn't comply. However, I'm not sure that I'm going to give him the full 40 days, I'm considering lowering it if he will agree to have no contact with you. What do you say about that?" I told him that sounded like a good idea and he said, "Then I want you to get your things and go before I bring him back out to talk t him. This is me helping you out of this. Your job here is done, you've done your work. Now go have a good life. He won't bother you anymore." I turned back to look at the judge and mouthed "Thank you so much" to him and he said, "You're welcome Ms. Baum. Keep that hope alive."

I felt bad that he had to be locked up, but he really needs to learn the consequences so that he can finally be productive. It will also do him good to have meds in his system for an entire month before he's released.

I finally feel like I can exhale. A 300 pound weight has been lifted from my chest and my life and while I will always love him, this just isn't a life that I can live. This may be his life, but it isn't mine. And it's amazing to me that even with just meeting me for a few minutes a year ago, that judge had me so pegged...hope springs eternal...those three words can definitely be used to sum me up. No matter what I've been through in my life, I still have this inherent seed of hope that is rooted so deeply in my spirit that nothing has been able to crush. I have seen a lot of darkness and yet have still come through on the other side with this wild hope that everything will be alright.......

Wild Hope
Mandy Moore


"Your job here is done, you've done your work"


Praise the Lord!

Enjoy the exhale! I love you my sweet and wonderful girl! You are so precious! Live your life! Breath! Move! Dance! SLEEP!!!