Thank you

Well, God is good! Let me tell you about some of the amazing things he has done in the past few days. First, I can finally share a little bit about what's been going on.

Most of you are all aware of the mess that has been my marriage. You're also all familiar with the struggle that I have had with what to do about it. I want to have a marriage that is capable of being worked on and stuck through, but I know that it is just pointless. There is just too much. Scott has pretty severe bipolar disorder and even on the best days, things are unstable. Because of all this, things have been on some thin ice for quite some time. Last month I had actually kicked him out and let him come back a few weeks later after he got pretty sick and because I thought I would be kind for Christmas. I had every hope that he would be convinced of the seriousness of the situation and would really change for the better. Well, I wanted to have hope. Really, I didn't figure it would work out, but was willing to give him a month or so to find out.

Well, about a week and a half ago or so, I found out that he had done something really horrible. I won't go into it, but I was furious. He continues to this day to deny he did this thing, but the proof is overwhelming. So with that alone, he was bound for divorce court, but that night I also happened to discover a huge, empty bottle of vicodin in his trashcan. He has been forbidden (by me, his psychiatrist and the courts) to take ANY pain meds because of how manic and sick they make him. With just one vicodin or percocet, he will wreak havoc on our family and usually ends up in the hospital. Well, this explains why he'd been so out of hand and sick recently. I had even confronted him about it and he denied (of course) having taken anything he shouldn't be taking. But yet, he just keeps on finding new pain doctors and getting perscriptions for pain pills behind my back. He has been told multiple times that if he ever does this again that he would instantly be out of the house...and he's done it twice in the past few months.

So, after finding this, I tell him that he needs to pack his things and go. HE REFUSES. He gets nasty and says, "I'm not going anywhere and you can't make me. What are you going to do? Call the police? I haven't touched you or anything, they won't make me leave." I was torn up because he was right. I needed this unstable force out of my home and yet I felt powerless to do anything about it. So I decided to pull my trump card.

Last year when he became so unstable that he trashed the house and then tried to kill himself twice, he was placed on probation. I let his probation officer know everything that Scott has been up to and they issued a summons for him to appear before the judge on Tuesday. I have to drive him up there (four hours away) and make my case before the judge. Chances are he will get a little jail time. This was definitely NOT my intention, but he needs some consequences and I need him out of my house. As much as I hated it, I knew that if they put him in jail, I was going to leave him there and not come back for him. In the state he's in, he would have a very difficult time making it back here and most likely would have to stay right where he is. My concern, though was mostly what would happen if they didn't put him in jail?

This HAUNTED me for days and I have been so distraught about this. When I say he has no one but me, I'm not kidding. He doesn't have even one family member that will take his call and not one friend. He literally has no one. So I knew that if I left him, he would feel desperate and not want to let me go and I was afraid of what would happen. So, I knew that in order to break free, I was literally going to have to leave him somewhere. Run when he wasn't looking or pretend to go to the bathroom and not come back. I can't even put into words how much the thought of this was tearing me up inside. It's not in my nature to be deceitful like this and and I felt so horrible about the thought of abandoning him with absolutely nothing and no one in a cold Cleveland winter. I was going to do it if I had to, but it was going to be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

Well, fast-forward to yesterday. The night before I had written my last post, which was basically a prayer begging God for his mercy with this situation. I just did not know how I was going to be able to do this and was begging God to fix it....and because our God is such a faithful, merciful God...he fixed it. :)

Yesterday morning I woke up kind of cranky because the phone had been ringing off the hook all morning and I went out to ask Scott who in the world he had calling all morning. He said that after thinking about it, he heard the way I was feeling and wanted to give me some space to work on things like I had asked and was going to respect my wishes. THEN he says that not one, but TWO of his friends had finally called him back for the first time in a few years and agreed to give him a place to stay and a car to use until he gets on his feet! Now, ask me if I believe he'll ever actually get on his feet and I'll say probably not. But I do know that it won't be my problem anymore. It's his. He's responsible for his own life and if he screws his friends over, that's on him. BUT, God not only changed his heart so that I don't have to be dishonest, but he also provided so I don't feel guilty about leaving him homeless.

I can't tell you the weight that is lifted off of my shoulders and how much lighter I feel. I still feel sad about the fact that my marriage has failed, but I am so much more peaceful that this can happen calmly and somewhat amicably. Thank you so much Lord for hearing my cries. Thank you a hundred times over. Thank you.


Gail said…
Renewal of hope, what a wonderful blessing.
I'm praying for God's peace to wash over you tonight! I love you sweety!
Fedupgrrl72 said…
Hang in there sweetheart. I may not know your exact pain, but I can surely sympathize. Someday we're gonna have to commiserate over a bottle of wine together.

Hugs Momma!

- Mel
megan said…
I'm so glad that his friends are stepping up and helping out. I can only imagine what relief that is to you. I am praying for you all that you will get the stability that you need and deserve..